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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH missing my 20 week scan because of work, would this upset you?

225 replies

bollocksthemess · 22/11/2021 22:22

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins and my scan is on Wednesday. I’ve known the day/time since my 12 week scan, and let DH know then.
I checked three weeks ago that he’d put it in his diary, he hadn’t, but he did then.
I reminded him again last week, as he does have form for booking work things in verbally and not putting it in his diary, and then double booking himself. Then yesterday he announced that he was going away today and would be back Wednesday night. When I said that I had my scan Wednesday, he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day.

He missed my 12 week scan too, but we paid for a private scan and a NIPT the week before so I felt ok about going on my own. He nearly missed that scan as he started working with a client and he forgot to leave until I rang him to ask if we were meeting at the scan place or if he was picking me up from home. Luckily I was able to ring the scan place and reschedule for the last appointment of the day.
We also had a private scan at 17 weeks (on a Saturday, I’d learned my lesson at this point) to find out what we were having, everything was fine then and I can feel the babies move now.

I stopped working at my very physical, slightly dangerous job when I was 10 weeks pregnant, at his encouragement, so he is the sole earner now, apart from my side business that brings in about £10K a year. He earns about ten times that, and although when we planned for one child I was always going to go back to work, with twins I’ll be at home with them for the foreseeable future as childcare costs will be extortionate.

I can sort of see why he feels like he has to work so hard, he runs three related businesses and feels a bit of pressure to be the provider now we’re having the twins. We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.
I think all the above has made him a bit blinkered when it comes to work.
He’s very, very kind hearted and I don’t think he meant to upset me, but I am upset. I haven’t told him I’m upset, because I don’t want to add to the above pressure.
I felt a bit crap at my 12 week scan looking at everyone with their partners and I was the only one on my own, and I’m at home alone now thinking about how it’ll be the same on Wednesday. AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/11/2021 22:49

People do realise that the 20 week scan isn't just for taking pretty pictures?

It's the anomaly scan and quite important. Especially when it's twins I would have thought

user0176 · 22/11/2021 22:53

My DH could only make one of our NHS scans over 2 pregnancies, we booked private scans on weekends so he could see them both. In my DH's case it really couldn't be helped.

user0176 · 22/11/2021 22:55

But yes if it's down to his own poor diary management completely agree YANBU, scans are exciting, even if you've seen them 3 weeks ago, doubly exciting with twins!

dorothygaleandtoto · 22/11/2021 22:55

My 20 week scan was, for many reasons, an absolutely life changing experience for me and my husband. This is my first pregnancy and I was completely in awe of what I saw on the screen - it was a huge moment for both of us and I'd have been so sad to experience that without him.

Tailendofsummer · 22/11/2021 22:57

He won't take paternity leave will he.
Or take a day off when they get chickenpox.
But he won't need to as he'll have you at home.
Sorry if I am being unfair to him, and I hope I am wrong. It doesn't sound very positive though.
Time off for 12 and 20 week scans is pretty standard for fathers. Might be petty but I wouldn't be in a rush to text him the news.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/11/2021 23:00

Yanbu to be upset, but I think you need to just accept it and move on. You'll be having lots of s and with twins so whilst this is the "big" one he has opportunity to be there again and in reality its hard for partners to attend every one. I attended many on my own and never felt I was being judged

Original poster
bollocksthemess · 22/11/2021 23:00

These are my first, I’ll be 38 when they’re born and if all goes well this will be my only pregnancy.

I have explained that this is the anomaly scan, and they will measure all sorts of different bits of the babies insides and outsides and check for anything wrong. I also explained that he’d need to take the whole morning off as it would take a long time with twins, and my girl twin is lying below and a bit behind my boy twin and can be awkward to see. I actually don’t think he was listening.

I am very capable and self sufficient generally, so I think he just expects me to be fine and cope with anything. I agree that a conversation laying out expectations for when the twins arrive would be important.

I have said that they may well come early, and he must not travel abroad from the beginning of February in case they do. I’ll more than likely have a c section so he knows he has to take a proper paternity leave to help me at first. However I might need to say it again as he doesn’t appear to be listening to me when I’m telling him pregnancy related things!

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 22/11/2021 23:00

I can see why you're annoyed if he was asked to put it in his diary some time ago but my DH didn't come to any of my scans and I had to have a conversation with him about what to do if he was out of the country when I went into labour with No2. Unless there is a backstory about miscarriages etc ( in which case I am sorry as I have had those and know how hard they can be) I am slightly bemused about why he has to hold you hand at every appointment.

ikeepseeingit · 22/11/2021 23:04

Tell him you're not happy with this setup OP, he doesn't get to decide that you're a SAHM and he's the sole provider! Don't fall into the role because you feel mean or like you're putting pressure on him. Do you not see the pressure he's put on you to fall into a role you did not want?

A good rule is to never agree to anything that you do not agree with. Fight for yourself OP! You deserve to have what you want too. Your right to choose your work in a relationship does not disappear because you're a mother.

When you talk to him if he's halfway decent he'll apologize for not taking the scan seriously, not taking responsibility, and putting pressure on you to be a SAHM.

Goneblank38 · 22/11/2021 23:05

I understand why you're annoyed. Some father's have really good reasons they can't make scans - inflexible work commitments or looking after older children. He could have been there if he'd managed his time properly. I'd just be honest with him about what you'd like from him for the rest of the pregnancy. It's also a good time to chat about your respective expectations once the children are born. I agree with a previous poster that it's sounding a bit like you'll be 100 per cent responsible for the house and children while he's out working. If that's what you want, no worries but if it's not you guys need to talk about that now and have a plan to get you back to work.

Nancydrawn · 22/11/2021 23:06

I think he’s sort of decided in his head that it’s my job to grow the kids/sort the house out and his job to pay for it.

@bollocksthemess, that is not his decision to make.

starrynight21 · 22/11/2021 23:06

Not everyone can get time off work. My DH wasn't at any scans and he missed our first child's birth because he was in the military and was away . It isn't necessary to have the father there for everything - you can do it on your own just this once, surely.

PuttingOutFires · 22/11/2021 23:07

It's really frustrating for you that he isn't prioritising you/ the twins.
I'd try as best you can to nip that in the bud.
However I would say I was about 6 weeks pregnant with DS2 when the first lockdown happened and my DH missed every scan and it was actually OK. I would have loved him to be there of course, but there was something lovely about me bonding with him during those times too.

littlebilliie · 22/11/2021 23:09

My DH didn't come to any of mine

Embracelife · 22/11/2021 23:09

Dont give up your side business
Between you you can pay for childcare cleaners your pension contributions etc

SingingSands · 22/11/2021 23:14

Can you rearrange your scan? If it's a few days later, maybe he can attend then?

newrubylane · 22/11/2021 23:27

I would have been a bit frustrated at his lack of organisation / willingness to rearrange. As a previous poster said, he is going to have to start taking your new family situation into account with work. As a twin mum, I can tell you that you are going to need a lot of hands-on support from him, especially in the first few months. He simply can't just hand this over to you, and he needs to be on board with the reality of having two newborns in the house. I'd take this as an opportunity to talk to him about how you both foresee things working and what compromises might need to be made on all sides - certainly if you're going to sacrifice your career (in the medium term) then he should be making some short-term work sacrifices too - no overnight travel, no overtime etc. You need to be a team, and him being just the breadwinner isn't going to cut it.

Capferret · 22/11/2021 23:33

I only had a 20 week scan with dd. This was the 90’s.
Dh decided he couldn’t miss work so I went on my own.
It never occurred to me to worry about potential bad news.

It’s more important that your dh is there for the birth and paternity leave OP, so I would concentrate on ensuring he has sorted work out then.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/11/2021 23:33

I'd be annoyed, not so much at missing the scan on my own as it seems to be a bit of a formality after the other ones but more his general attitude.

You stopped your physical and dangerous job at his insistence- unless you work for yourself your work would have had to do a risk assessment and make adjustments for your pregnancy so it is unlikely to have been as physical or dangerous for the remainder of your pregnancy.

You arent going back to work because of childcare costs when your combined household income is over 100k. Which implies he wouldnt be paying his proportionate share of those costs

He commits to scans and then forgets. He doesnt listen to you talking about the pregnancy. He has given you building work to project manage. You are having doubts he will remember to take parental leave.

It is all sounding a bit 1950s like his job is to provide and that's his sole contribution and yours is everything else...he has given you his sperm and now its over to you and everything house and child related is on you. Have you spoken to him about how you're going to split household chores when you're on mat leave with twins? I have a nasty feeling he will expect you to do it all and you wont be able to

Frannibananni · 22/11/2021 23:37

Meh tbh I would miss them myself if I could,

OppsUpsSide · 22/11/2021 23:38

I appreciate it must be shit having a high earning husband who can’t be present due to work, but scans without fathers present are very normal, and often for reasons that might make your situation appear comparatively rosey.

Couchpotato3 · 22/11/2021 23:40

You're having twins, so chances are you'll be having quite a few more scans before you're done, and he will hopefully make it to some of those. Is there anyone else who can go with you for moral support - a friend or family member?

DeepaBeesKit · 22/11/2021 23:44

you can clearly afford a nanny as a family.

You don't know their expenses inside out so you don't know what they can afford.

He earns 100k and she only brings in 10k. They will be heavily taxed on that, so will only keep about 70k after tax, nics and c 10% of pension contributions/student loan type deductions. A nanny costs around 25k minimum to employ - that's a huge proportion of their net income.

The only people I know with nannies have household incomes double theirs.

Kisskiss · 22/11/2021 23:44

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel disappointed with him. It seems that he prioritises work way above participating in the baby related things… what will this translate into when the babies arrive? Probably worth having a chat about it now, rather than holding it in and feeling resentful

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 22/11/2021 23:45

How much do you think childcare will cost OP? He earns £100k- that will more than cover it. Even for twins.

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