DH missing my 20 week scan because of work, would this upset you?

[bollocksthemess]

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins and my scan is on Wednesday. I’ve known the day/time since my 12 week scan, and let DH know then.
I checked three weeks ago that he’d put it in his diary, he hadn’t, but he did then.
I reminded him again last week, as he does have form for booking work things in verbally and not putting it in his diary, and then double booking himself. Then yesterday he announced that he was going away today and would be back Wednesday night. When I said that I had my scan Wednesday, he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day.

He missed my 12 week scan too, but we paid for a private scan and a NIPT the week before so I felt ok about going on my own. He nearly missed that scan as he started working with a client and he forgot to leave until I rang him to ask if we were meeting at the scan place or if he was picking me up from home. Luckily I was able to ring the scan place and reschedule for the last appointment of the day.
We also had a private scan at 17 weeks (on a Saturday, I’d learned my lesson at this point) to find out what we were having, everything was fine then and I can feel the babies move now.

I stopped working at my very physical, slightly dangerous job when I was 10 weeks pregnant, at his encouragement, so he is the sole earner now, apart from my side business that brings in about £10K a year. He earns about ten times that, and although when we planned for one child I was always going to go back to work, with twins I’ll be at home with them for the foreseeable future as childcare costs will be extortionate.

I can sort of see why he feels like he has to work so hard, he runs three related businesses and feels a bit of pressure to be the provider now we’re having the twins. We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.
I think all the above has made him a bit blinkered when it comes to work.
He’s very, very kind hearted and I don’t think he meant to upset me, but I am upset. I haven’t told him I’m upset, because I don’t want to add to the above pressure.
I felt a bit crap at my 12 week scan looking at everyone with their partners and I was the only one on my own, and I’m at home alone now thinking about how it’ll be the same on Wednesday. AIBU to be upset?

I would probably be annoyed with him for putting me and the babies right down the bottom of his priority list. My gut feeling is that this is a pattern that that is going to be repeated time after time over the coming years. I think you need to be very clear with him that this isn't the 1950s and earning money is not where his responsibility to the family ends. Also I would not give up work if I were you, it's not just about money.

@SuPerDoPer

I would probably be annoyed with him for putting me and the babies right down the bottom of his priority list. My gut feeling is that this is a pattern that that is going to be repeated time after time over the coming years. I think you need to be very clear with him that this isn't the 1950s and earning money is not where his responsibility to the family ends. Also I would not give up work if I were you, it's not just about money.

^^ This.

Personally, I was not bothered about DH attending the scans, if anything I think having partners in the room makes it more of a jolly family outing rather than the medical check up it's supposed to be and I don't really like to mix the two. But it was something you wanted and he had agreed to. It seems your DH has consistently failed to put you first, letting his job dominate. He didn't even inform you he couldn't make it it until you pointed it out to him. This is a really bad sign in a partner when you're having kids, especially twins.

Have a talk with him. See if he bucks up. But plan for if he doesn't. You don't want to have to be constantly nagging him to take an interest in his family.

I think you would be wise to rethink staying home with them, or at least have a negotiated back up plan ready to swing into action if you find yourself unhappy with how it works out. Sometimes that "lowering of the family's standard of living" when you return to work and end up paying all your wages in child care and still having housework at the weekend is really just a recalibration with his standard of living going down and yours going up. Especially if you take the long view rather than just the pre-school years.

💐@PinkCheetah

I think if you're going to have a set-up where DH is the self-employed main earner then you do need to expect him to prioritise work at times. As you know as a self-employed person, if you don't work, you don't earn. If the big fish client says Wednesday morning, you meet on Wednesday morning.

You need to be honest and have a sit down chat about what your expectations are re support in this pregnancy. Twin pregnancies usually involve more monitoring, do you expect him to be at each appointment? Do you expect him to attend antenatal classes?

He has a lot on his plate at the moment and whilst a lot of that is his own doing ultimately it is for you and your children. Is this an acceptable balance for you? What about when the twins arrive will he be able to take much time off? Where will you get that initial support and you will need some from somewhere?

Tbh I really think it is important to have these kind of conversations pre kids. My bil works 2 jobs and has a newborn after sil suffered many miscarriages. She wants support from her dh but he is busy working two jobs, life isn't all about money and she feels incredibly unsupported and increasingly resentful as this was a much wanted baby on both their parts. As she isn't wonderwoman and needs help from somewhere she is overly reliant on my mil who is over 60 and knackered. She wouldn't need to do this if bil stepped up and managed work and family better.

I have had high risk pregnancies and have had many scans. They were a source of great anxiety for me and I wanted my dh there each time and made him aware. Thankfully he wanted to be there of his own accord and would jig his diary to make sure he could be there and we were lucky to get morning appointments where our other children were at school or nursery. It is harder if you are self employed but then you need to be all the better at prioritising.

Yanbu x

My DH didn't come to my scans either, we didn't even think about it.

@Dixiechickonhols

princessnutella 20 week anomaly scans aren’t a new thing. They’ve been a thing for at least 20 years to my knowledge. As a mum of a disabled child and someone who has a volunteer role speaking to other parents whose 20 week scan has picked up their baby has a serious physical disability I accept I’m probably in the mindset of what if scan detects an issue but personally I think it’s sensible to err on side of caution and have husband there if you can.

If there is any issue seen then undoubtedly there will be further additional scans for the dh to definitely attend. So not being there for any initial bad news is just that...there would surely be follow up to discuss what next or implications

Op could take some one else?
Seems op will need to rely on other support anyways now and in future

end up paying all your wages in child care and still having

The your is plural
And the dh earns 10x the op
So pays 10x the share of childcare

I would be upset, and in fact was when my husband had to miss my 20 week scan due to work. I arranged for my mum to come instead, and she was v excited...but then was late and missed it! He couldn't come to scans of our second because of the pandemic.

Anyway I think it is hard because it is everything to the pregnant partner but i think for partners it can be hard to 'get' it in the same way, and my husband (also self employed) definitely also felt the huge burden of responsibility of providing for us. I have to say he was still a workaholic for first year of our first but thanks to lockdown and wfh he actually has now realised the importance of balance.

Basically, I can see why you're hurt, and it's worth addressing, but I don't think it will have been as intentionally thoughtless, the priorities are just different, and it can take until holding a baby (or two!) for them to feel that importance and bond.

@Embracelife

end up paying all your wages in child care and still having

The your is plural
And the dh earns 10x the op
So pays 10x the share of childcare

That's very true Embrace. I should have worded that better.

@Embracelife

end up paying all your wages in child care and still having

The your is plural
And the dh earns 10x the op
So pays 10x the share of childcare

The thing is with this argument, that it comes out of both wages, is its still a net loss. If one warns £100k and one earns £20k and childcare costs £25k - regardless of how its split its still a loss.

@SleepingStandingUp

It is still a net loss for the family at that time. But the way I worded that makes it seem like it's all on the OP to cover that cost. And that normalises the idea that mothers alone should eat that cost, screwing over their earning potential while fathers reinforce theirs.

A net loss is not taking into account pension contributions NI paid and paid leave

If there is any issue seen
then undoubtedly there will be further additional scans for the dh to definitely attend.
So not being there for any initial bad news is just that...there would surely be follow up to discuss what next or implications

You've never had bad news at an anomaly scan, have you?

I have. I was alone. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I have PTSD from it.

And quite often the "follow up" is days later, it's not immediate.

And in the interim you have to get yourself home whilst your world is spinning. And then you have to tell your partner. Which, according to dh, was one of the worst experiences of his life. Watching me fall apart whilst trying to make sense of what I was saying.

Prior to this happening, I was fine with going to scans alone too. Now, I'm on the edge of a panic attack every time.

How did today go?

Warning - might be a trigger for some
If there is any issue seen
then undoubtedly there will be further additional scans for the dh to definitely attend.
So not being there for any initial bad news is just that...there would surely be follow up to discuss what next or implications

You've never had bad news at an anomaly scan, have you?*

Yes, it's about being there together to receive potentially bad news. The sonographer does their thing, but instead of turning to screen round to you with a smile and a 'there's your baby', they're silent whilst you watch their face desperate for a sign of what's going on.

Then they'll say something like 'I need to get a colleague to look at this', and off they go, and then someone else like a doctor comes, looking serious, and they redo the scan, and all the time you are lying there wondering what is going on and beginning to panic.

Then they either tell you the worst news or they'll tell you there's something wrong and they think baby has a birth defect, or a genetic issue, or isn't growing, or there's twin-twin transfusion. And as the PP says, you've got to take all this in, get yourself home from the hospital, call your DP, break the awful news to them too,

It is a REALLY long time to be lying there alone whilst serious-faced medical professionals pore over your scans.

I'd be annoyed. It's not something arranged last minute.

@HeyFloof

*If there is any issue seen then undoubtedly there will be further additional scans for the dh to definitely attend.* So not being there for any initial bad news is just that...there would surely be follow up to discuss what next or implications

You've never had bad news at an anomaly scan, have you?

I have. I was alone. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I have PTSD from it.

And quite often the "follow up" is days later, it's not immediate.

And in the interim you have to get yourself home whilst your world is spinning. And then you have to tell your partner. Which, according to dh, was one of the worst experiences of his life. Watching me fall apart whilst trying to make sense of what I was saying.

Prior to this happening, I was fine with going to scans alone too. Now, I'm on the edge of a panic attack every time.

I hVe actually, was alone. Not ideal If the dh really cannot ho Take someone else There were many follows ups though

I hVe actually, was alone.
Not ideal
If the dh really cannot ho
Take someone else
There were many follows ups though

Then I'd expect someone who has had the same horrific experience to have a little more empathy for another women who was concerned about going to her anomaly scan alone.

The fact that there were follow ups doesn't negate the fact that I was alone when hearing the worst news I've ever had to digest. Not ideal is an understatement.

So yeh I was told there was,something wrong with the brain fluid at 20 weeks. Not fun.

But op did haVe private scan 3 weeks ago
With no major obvious issues so chances are good.

@Embracelife

So yeh I was told there was,something wrong with the brain fluid at 20 weeks. Not fun.

But op did haVe private scan 3 weeks ago
With no major obvious issues so chances are good.

So I'll just repeat what I said, that I'd expect someone who has had that horrific experience, to extend some empathy to another woman worried about attending her anomaly scan without her partner there.

I had a scan at 14 weeks and everything was perfect. Bloods all fine, low risk. Anomaly scan showed huge issues and he died. One good scan doesn't mean anything.

I've been to most scans alone as dh is usually working away, he spent 5 months of my 1st pregnancy away and big chunks during the others too.

I went to my anomaly scan alone because of hospital rules at the time. It was horrendous. I would be very upset if my DP had chosen to miss it because it wasn't important enough to him to keep in the diary. Private scans are all very well for fun, but they very seldom pick up the actual important things you have scans for: that isn't their purpose. He needs to rethink his priorities, and also understand that this is a medical appointment.

Yeh , he is showing to be failing to understand...
Or maybe he is thinking , well he went to two scans already which they paid and all was fine

So what's the big deal? In his mind. He just isn't getting it
So some naivety on his part too

Being first time parents maybe he doesn't get it yet
So yes of course op has every right to be upset

Is he going to change?
Is he going to realise?
That he may need to take loads of time off and reset his (their) priorities?
Maybe he will
Maybe op needs serious talk with him
Op also needs to look around for other support if he does not step up or if it s not feasible financially for him to drop clients... what savings and contingency is in place?

A bit late now.

I take it he's self employed? ( he runs three related businesses)

he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day
Tell him you really want him there and would rather he put of the client and be with you. Depend on the client they may be ok with it they may not.