Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH missing my 20 week scan because of work, would this upset you?

225 replies

bollocksthemess · 22/11/2021 22:22

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins and my scan is on Wednesday. I’ve known the day/time since my 12 week scan, and let DH know then.
I checked three weeks ago that he’d put it in his diary, he hadn’t, but he did then.
I reminded him again last week, as he does have form for booking work things in verbally and not putting it in his diary, and then double booking himself. Then yesterday he announced that he was going away today and would be back Wednesday night. When I said that I had my scan Wednesday, he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day.

He missed my 12 week scan too, but we paid for a private scan and a NIPT the week before so I felt ok about going on my own. He nearly missed that scan as he started working with a client and he forgot to leave until I rang him to ask if we were meeting at the scan place or if he was picking me up from home. Luckily I was able to ring the scan place and reschedule for the last appointment of the day.
We also had a private scan at 17 weeks (on a Saturday, I’d learned my lesson at this point) to find out what we were having, everything was fine then and I can feel the babies move now.

I stopped working at my very physical, slightly dangerous job when I was 10 weeks pregnant, at his encouragement, so he is the sole earner now, apart from my side business that brings in about £10K a year. He earns about ten times that, and although when we planned for one child I was always going to go back to work, with twins I’ll be at home with them for the foreseeable future as childcare costs will be extortionate.

I can sort of see why he feels like he has to work so hard, he runs three related businesses and feels a bit of pressure to be the provider now we’re having the twins. We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.
I think all the above has made him a bit blinkered when it comes to work.
He’s very, very kind hearted and I don’t think he meant to upset me, but I am upset. I haven’t told him I’m upset, because I don’t want to add to the above pressure.
I felt a bit crap at my 12 week scan looking at everyone with their partners and I was the only one on my own, and I’m at home alone now thinking about how it’ll be the same on Wednesday. AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 23/11/2021 14:41

If they are giving scans to everyone on a routine basis, which did not used to be a thing, then I see no purpose for a husband to be there. It's just scaremongering.

saleorbouy · 23/11/2021 14:55

Work cannot always run around or daily lives and unfortunately he has an important meeting that his client can only fit in at this time.
Surely you can bring a friend with you if necessary.
Personally I would be happier that your DH has a good work ethic to provide for your family. I'd be encouraging him to work more now so that he might have some time off when your DC arrive.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/11/2021 15:05

@PrincessNutella

If they are giving scans to everyone on a routine basis, which did not used to be a thing, then I see no purpose for a husband to be there. It's just scaremongering.
Well it didn't used to be a thing but then a lot of conditions that could be better dealt with were missed or women continued with pregnancies they wouldn't have chosen to complete. I assume you also disagree with cervical as smears, routine checks for testicular and breast cancer etc as we didn't used to have them and just accepted more people would die. B
Dixiechickonhols · 23/11/2021 15:40

princessnutella 20 week anomaly scans aren’t a new thing. They’ve been a thing for at least 20 years to my knowledge. As a mum of a disabled child and someone who has a volunteer role speaking to other parents whose 20 week scan has picked up their baby has a serious physical disability I accept I’m probably in the mindset of what if scan detects an issue but personally I think it’s sensible to err on side of caution and have husband there if you can.

wouldthatbeworse · 23/11/2021 15:50

I’d be furious. Having babies is ideally meant to be a joint project and he’s giving a message that it’s just not that important to him. I know he doesn’t NEED to be there but if my latter was growing my children I would do everything I could to be there. Sometimes life gets on the way, in which case I’d be genuinely sorry to miss it and telling my partner that. OP please stress to your partner that he will need some lengthy time off when your babies arrive and he needs to plan accordingly (to the extent you can with a twin arrival) . All the best for your scan.

Fernando072020 · 23/11/2021 15:51

You've had a 17 week scan and he was there. I'm sorry but YABU. He doesn't NEED to be at every single scan.

SmellyOldOwls · 23/11/2021 15:55

DH never showed much interest in scans with my DD and I didn't have much interest in him going with me tbh, I see them as my medical appointments and I've had bad news alone at scans before but having someone there with me doesn't make the bad news any less bad if you know what I mean. He's been devoted to her since the second she was born, utterly besotted. Some men just don't really get the fact that they have a baby even before it comes into the world.

Chasingaftermidnight · 23/11/2021 16:39

I’d be quite upset about him not being at the scan but I’d be more upset about his general attitude.

pigcon1 · 23/11/2021 16:45

I understand how you feel OP, I was in a situation where my husband was not able to get to the scans for our children. It’s not ideal, but it is common so please don’t feel like you stand out.

Nanny0gg · 23/11/2021 16:47

@2bazookas

I think you should relax. Enjoy your exciting scan but it's not the centre of the universe, honest. In the old days, we didn't get scans at all and I promise we still popped babies the oldfashioned way.

As for the work on house, trust me, he's right to do it now and get it out of the way. You will have no time or energy once the babies are here. You will be really, really glad you made the house as convenient and comfortable as possible BEFORE they arrived.

Boy /girl twins are going to be absolute bliss and joy (slightly biased granny here). This is YOUR time to get in training to relax, take slow deep breaths, let stuff go. Practise not sweating the little stuff :-)

What 'Old Days'?

I had scans 40 years ago. And isn't it great that they're available?

In the old days, we didn't get scans at all and I promise we still popped babies the oldfashioned way.

And you really should think very carefully about what you put there. What was sometimes (too frequently) the outcome when things weren't known beforehand?

Notonthestairs · 23/11/2021 16:59

Did the 17 week scan check for anything other than sex?

If it didn't then I'd absolutely expect him to be at the 20 week scan.

Can you take someone with you this time?

Good luck tomorrow.

HeyFloof · 23/11/2021 17:19

@PrincessNutella

If they are giving scans to everyone on a routine basis, which did not used to be a thing, then I see no purpose for a husband to be there. It's just scaremongering.
Scaremongering? There are no words for how ridiculous of a statement this is. It's basic healthcare for both mother and infant.

Presumably you are also fortunate enough to have never received devastating news at an anomaly scan.

Anomaly scans have been a thing for at least 35 years as my DM had one when pregnant with me.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/11/2021 17:46

No. My ex could not come to my 20 week scan because of work. I wasn't bothered in the slightest.

EllaVaNight · 23/11/2021 17:53

It wouldn't bother me but that's because I know, sadly from a lot of experience, that I'd rather and process bad news alone, it's just how I am.

It clearly bothers you though and it doesn't seem like he's interested. Some people just aren't! I know women who were bored at their own scans!

One piece of advice I'd give is go back to work Even if it's a day a week!

AndBabyMakes3 · 23/11/2021 21:55

@HeyFloof and @Tigger85 Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 23/11/2021 22:06

Enjoy your exciting scan but it's not the centre of the universe, honest. In the old days, we didn't get scans at all and I promise we still popped babies the oldfashioned way. with worse outcome for mothers and babies and higher mortality rates. Presumably you're also against routine cervical smears and routine checks for breast and testicular cancer because the hood old fashioned way is to just have more people die.

SnackSizeRaisin · 24/11/2021 03:18

I went to my scans alone due to Covid and didn't mind. However I'd think it poor if I specifically asked my partner to come, he agreed, and then he decided not to come after all, without even telling me. It's disrespectful and rude to let someone down at the last minute, even more so without even telling them or apologising, and especially given that this is supporting the op with a medical appointment. Can't believe so many claim they'd be happy to be let down in this way.

SnackSizeRaisin · 24/11/2021 03:26

Enjoy your exciting scan but it's not the centre of the universe, honest. In the old days, we didn't get scans at all and I promise we still popped babies the oldfashioned way.

What a stupid and patronising thing to say! Did you know a 20 week scan is to look for defects in the baby? It's not an "exciting" consumer experience. Do you go along to mammograms and smear tests with an air of merry excitement?

NewlyGranny · 24/11/2021 03:58

If he was at the 17 week one, I would relax about it. With twins there will be loads more scans! Just make certain he's at the next one.

PinkCheetah · 24/11/2021 04:06

I would be upset OP. I've just come home from my 20 week scan and been told bad news. And like you had an early private scan at 16 weeks was told everything was fine so came as a big shock. I wouldn't know what to do if DH wasn't there for support. He really ought to go, but if he doesn't is there anyone else you can take with you?

urbanbuddha · 24/11/2021 04:35

Would it help if you recorded the scan on your phone to play back to him?

urbanbuddha · 24/11/2021 04:37

I mean sound only. Make sure your phone is fully charged.

Suzi888 · 24/11/2021 04:51

My DM came to mine, DH had work and my mum was SO excited and I wasn’t bothered either way. He was there for the birth and that was the main thing (for me).

Rosiiiiie · 24/11/2021 05:02

I’d be upset too but in the grand scheme of things you’ll be fine.

I’m in Ireland and DH hasn’t been to a single scan or a single fertility clinic appt. He also wasn’t allowed in when I miscarried at 12 weeks last year and needed surgery.

So although you have a right to be upset, it’s all about perspective. Deep breaths. It’ll be ok.

MyOtherProfile · 24/11/2021 05:11

It really does say more about his attitude. I hope you got to speak to him yesterday and perhaps he has changed his mind and will be with you today.