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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be still be seething that DH got me a PEN for my 50th birthday?

220 replies

UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames · 12/11/2021 09:53

Birthday was last month and I got really nice presents from friends and family and he got me that.

What does that say about how he feels about me I wonder?

He said he got it as I’ve just started retraining so am studying part time but it was only about £20 and he could have given me it separately if he really wanted to give me something for that.

For his birthday. I stayed up to make sure I got tickets for something he loved as soon as they were released online, booked a posh hotel as the event was some distance away and gave up my time to go with him when it wasn’t something that interested me. Came to around £350 and it wasn’t a milestone birthday for him. I also got cards and presents from younger DC for him. He didn’t take them to get anything for me.

This has just compounded the fact that he has little care for me at all and I feel quite sick actually.

OP posts:
modgepodge · 12/11/2021 10:00

The thought behind the pen is actually quite nice and personal. But if you usually spend hundreds on birthdays and he spent £20 then yes that’s rubbish. Not taking children to choose presents (or at least ordering some chocolates or flowers or something from them!) is also pretty crap. I’d be pissed off too.

BootsScootsAndToots · 12/11/2021 10:01

A £20 pen for your 50th 🤯

Honestly OP, that takes 'couldn't care less' to a new level.

Did you tell him what an incredibly crap present that was?

I'm pretty bad with presents, I feel I do so much all year round, I just sometimes don't have much left to come up with the surprise ultimate present, but dh always gets what he wants (I make him spell it out, and tell me at least 3 decent presents!).

This really is shit 😕

frazzledasarock · 12/11/2021 10:02

This has just compounded the fact that he has little care for me at all and I feel quite sick actually.

Seems like this is normal for him. Why do you expect any different?

ItsSnotFair · 12/11/2021 10:04

I'm usually in the be grateful camp. A pen sounds lovely, but it has to be a special pen
Grasping at straws- could he be planning something else too?

Whereismumhiding3 · 12/11/2021 10:05

Go online and find yourself a nice present for £330 and spend it. Or spend that going away for a spa weekend with treatments with a friend.

Tell DH you got yourself a 50th present as he couldn't be arsed

Next year buy him 20x bic pens 🤣

Tell him unless he starts making an effort you'll be cutting back in his birthday and Xmas presents after then

TotallySuper · 12/11/2021 10:05

@UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames

Birthday was last month and I got really nice presents from friends and family and he got me that.

What does that say about how he feels about me I wonder?

He said he got it as I’ve just started retraining so am studying part time but it was only about £20 and he could have given me it separately if he really wanted to give me something for that.

For his birthday. I stayed up to make sure I got tickets for something he loved as soon as they were released online, booked a posh hotel as the event was some distance away and gave up my time to go with him when it wasn’t something that interested me. Came to around £350 and it wasn’t a milestone birthday for him. I also got cards and presents from younger DC for him. He didn’t take them to get anything for me.

This has just compounded the fact that he has little care for me at all and I feel quite sick actually.

Aw nothing from the kids either? YANBU I'd be considering my relationship and how he really feels. 50 is a big deal!
LookItsMeAgain · 12/11/2021 10:08

I'd give him a Bic biro for Christmas.

Make sure it's beautifully wrapped with a bow on the box. Or wrap it in a box, in a box in a box so he starts with a huge box and ends up with a shitty pen for his Christmas present.

Don't buy him anything else.

Happy birthday by the way.

girlmom21 · 12/11/2021 10:09

Have you asked him why he feels like you deserve 0 effort?

starrynight87 · 12/11/2021 10:09

I would really resent that. Even if it was the world's best pen!

Butchyrestingface · 12/11/2021 10:12

How old are your younger children?

Pumpkinsonparade · 12/11/2021 10:12

Seems fitting if you keep it for the day you need to sign divorce papers.. As a lover of a particular brand of chocolate my now exh had never seen me eat any other in 8 years. One day he gave me a huge bar of a different brand. Apparently he thought I might like it... A true reminder he never listened or knew me at all.
Exh.

dreamingbohemian · 12/11/2021 10:13

That is really rubbish

I don't know if you want to reconsider your relationship but at the very least I hope you will not make any effort for his Christmas gift

CatsArePeople · 12/11/2021 10:14

I think we can pretty much conclude that men are bloody useless at shopping for gifts.

solution - demand money/go shopping for a specific thing together.

Because if you expect thought or a nice surprise, you may just get a pen or a toaster.

My OH, sometime ago, when i pointed at a perfume i wanted, bought something else entirely, saying "well, it was a bigger bottle for the same price!" Confused can you even argue with that sort of logic?

Megan2018 · 12/11/2021 10:18

I’d spend the £330 on some legal advice and his next gift can be divorce papers.
He can’t love you and treat you like that.

Original poster
UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames · 12/11/2021 10:19

I made my disappointment very clear and he tried to make out I was ungrateful!

I had said I wanted a diamond necklace. not that he asked, but I’d told him. Not a really expensive one but we could afford a few hundred quid for one for my 50th. The necklace I currently wear was £29.99 in Argos and bought by myself.

OP posts:
Endeavour1971 · 12/11/2021 10:19

I turned 50 this summer; my husband got me some lovely jewellery, took me for a long weekend away and generally spoiled me. If he had only got me a pen I would have hit the roof and wouldn't be buying him anything ever again for Xmas and birthdays.

frazzledasarock · 12/11/2021 10:21

@CatsArePeople

I think we can pretty much conclude that men are bloody useless at shopping for gifts.

solution - demand money/go shopping for a specific thing together.

Because if you expect thought or a nice surprise, you may just get a pen or a toaster.

My OH, sometime ago, when i pointed at a perfume i wanted, bought something else entirely, saying "well, it was a bigger bottle for the same price!" Confused can you even argue with that sort of logic?

Really?

I'd conclude that the husbands and partners who give rubbish are thoughtless and uncaring.

I forgot my religious wedding anniversary last year as we had gotten legally married, DH didn't though, he presented me with the sweetest most thoughtful gift, it was not expensive at all but he'd clearly thought about it. He got nothing because I'd forgotten.

But neither of us is usually thoughtless or careless about the other usually, so no feelings were hurt. Although DH does take great delight and reminding me of the time I forgot our anniversary (and he didn't)!

Sciurus83 · 12/11/2021 10:22

Buy yourself the necklace immediately

UniBallEye · 12/11/2021 10:22

@CatsArePeople - that's just not true! Not all men are rubbish at buying presents. Not all men don't give a shit about their wives / partners.
Saying it's all men is just a cop out and let's them off the hook.

OP that is just horrible and I would be having a SERIOUS conversation with my dh if he did that to me. I'm sorry that happened and I'd be seething too. And I wouldn't be making ANY excuses for him, tell everyone how he treated you.

Also, buy yourself something indulgent and tell him it's your present to yourself because he failed so spectacularly. And have that conversation with him

Sciurus83 · 12/11/2021 10:24

Men aren't useless at it, they are lazy because they have been conditioned to not have to because women take on the emotional labour of gift buying. It is learned not innate, don't make excuses for them.

Sciurus83 · 12/11/2021 10:24

*some men of course....

madisonbridges · 12/11/2021 10:24

Personally, it wouldn't bother me. Presents are nice but I don't care if I don't even get any. But I do expect to be treated well on the other 364 days of the year. That would be the deal breaker for me.
So is this solely about the present? Or is it about the other 364 days?

plantingandpotting · 12/11/2021 10:27

I can see the sentiment, but it's a pretty weak gesture. Particularly for your 50th.

Definitely go buy that necklace for yourself today and treat yourself to a great lunch.

Pumpkinsonparade · 12/11/2021 10:28

I got revenge the Xmas before I had planned to move out... Dh knew I had declared our marriage over. He never actually believed I would leave.. That Xmas he got me a car sound system.
Prob a few hundred quid.... I got him nothing!! He was agast! Not even socks!!
Made me feel a bit better!
Not as fucking fabulous as the day I left though!

hangrylady · 12/11/2021 10:37

@CatsArePeople

I think we can pretty much conclude that men are bloody useless at shopping for gifts.

solution - demand money/go shopping for a specific thing together.

Because if you expect thought or a nice surprise, you may just get a pen or a toaster.

My OH, sometime ago, when i pointed at a perfume i wanted, bought something else entirely, saying "well, it was a bigger bottle for the same price!" Confused can you even argue with that sort of logic?

This isn't true. My DH enjoys buying presents and thinking about things I would like. Sometimes he gets it wrong but he genuinely puts a lot of thought in.