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Original poster

To be still be seething that DH got me a PEN for my 50th birthday?

220 replies

UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames · 12/11/2021 09:53

Birthday was last month and I got really nice presents from friends and family and he got me that.

What does that say about how he feels about me I wonder?

He said he got it as I’ve just started retraining so am studying part time but it was only about £20 and he could have given me it separately if he really wanted to give me something for that.

For his birthday. I stayed up to make sure I got tickets for something he loved as soon as they were released online, booked a posh hotel as the event was some distance away and gave up my time to go with him when it wasn’t something that interested me. Came to around £350 and it wasn’t a milestone birthday for him. I also got cards and presents from younger DC for him. He didn’t take them to get anything for me.

This has just compounded the fact that he has little care for me at all and I feel quite sick actually.

OP posts:
TyotyaKlava · 12/11/2021 14:23

That makes me feel crap. My husbands 40th in December and I bought him a pen. It’s personalized and Parker and I spent something like £70.
I have no idea what to buy to him, he says he doesn’t need anything!!!
We are going away to Mexico for his birthday that partially his present too as well as present for my 40th that happened earlier in the year and we were in lockdown.
Other than that I have no clue what to buy to him!

Milliepossum · 12/11/2021 14:28

The point he’s making by giving the cheap pen is that there was no real thought or effort made because to him you’re not worth it. Then he has the nerve to gaslight you. It was hard to accept when this sort of thing was happening to me. Not sure how you are going to deal with this but I hope you end up feeling you are special 🌸

JennyDune · 12/11/2021 14:29

You sound high maintenance tbh.

But a lot of people these days are similar. Apparently getting multiple presents for children is normal for christmas. Growing up, I only got 1 present from my parents and I will only give 1 to my children....

Similarly, even for my birthdays I dont care about the monetary value of gifts, as long as its good/useful. (And it has to be wrapped. I enjoy tearing wrapping paper).

LisforLemon · 12/11/2021 14:30

I know what you mean, OP.

Mine spent quite a lot on mine but nothing to 'keep' or 'show' if you know what I mean? He and the kids got me 50 things beginning with my initial, so it included things like some spirits and wines as well as hand-gel, shampoo (brands with my initial in case you're trying to work it out). But it was all consumable stuff. So I can't complain as certainly a lot of thought and expense went in. But it does feel a bit like he forgot to think what I'd like. He also failed to arrange what to do on the day, but I forgive this more easily (I forgive the present too!) as I was in the midst of something of a breakdown (I wasn't drinking at the time either), was just getting back to work, so I wasn't that easy to read for activities.

But my username is from my lovely birthday card - that really made me smile as it relates to an in-joke from our honeymoon too -and wasn't a 'proper' 50th. I've framed that and consider it my 'gift' too. Makes me smile to look at it.

Hope you can salvage something too!

Isababybel · 12/11/2021 14:30

Dont buy him anything for Christmas

Broadster · 12/11/2021 14:35

No, you’re absolutely not being unreasonable! On my 50th (week day) my partner left my card on the kitchen table when he left for work with an envelope with some cash in it (not a lot!) Just before dinner time he called me to say he could get out for an hour if I wanted to go for something to eat but could I ring round somewhere and book us in. Picked me and our children up, drove to the pub I’d booked like the fucking clappers, wolfed his food down and told us all to ‘hurry up as he’s got to get back to work!’ Its his 50th next year, he’s on about ‘us all going to Australia as it’s his special birthday’ the cheeky wanker!!!

phoenixrosehere · 12/11/2021 14:35

How ungrateful to think along these lines, when someone gives you a gift. no matter what the price was.. It is cringeworthy,to hear about folks, who say,well I paid a lot for someones presents, and all I got is cheapo.. quite shameful ! So you think that paying less for something, means that a person doesn't think about you, or care for you, what tosh!

Ah.. one of those cringey “be grateful” types who thinks anything is acceptable likely even a half empty box of chocolates because it’s a “gift”. Unless there some massive, heartfelt story around this pen, different from the ordinary and engraved with a lovely message and OP’s name it’s a pretty sh*t gift to give a spouse on a landmark birthday.

nomorefrogs · 12/11/2021 14:35

@JennyDune seriously?? She sounds high maintenance for hoping for her generosity and thoughtfulness to be reciprocated? He bought a pen for £4.50 from his place of work for her 50th birthday!

If that's high maintenance then your bar is very low for expectations!

JennyDune · 12/11/2021 14:40

[quote nomorefrogs]@JennyDune seriously?? She sounds high maintenance for hoping for her generosity and thoughtfulness to be reciprocated? He bought a pen for £4.50 from his place of work for her 50th birthday!

If that's high maintenance then your bar is very low for expectations! [/quote]
I thought it was £20?

Platax · 12/11/2021 14:40

Do you normally spend £350 on non-milestone birthdays? I hate to think what you spend on milestones. I'm perfectly happy with DH spending £20 on me. But then, I like good pens.

bofski14 · 12/11/2021 14:41

The pen really is a disappointment. Huge disappointment. But I'd be more hurt that he hadn't thought to arrange something from the children for you. I'm gutted for you OP. It's really not good enough is it?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 12/11/2021 14:41

@1forAll74

How ungrateful to think along these lines, when someone gives you a gift. no matter what the price was.. It is cringeworthy,to hear about folks, who say,well I paid a lot for someones presents, and all I got is cheapo.. quite shameful ! So you think that paying less for something, means that a person doesn't think about you, or care for you, what tosh!
It's not the paying - it's the thought and effort. I don't think buying something from his own place of work quite compares to the OP going to lengths to get those concert tickets and in this case I do think the disparity in financial outlay is significant.
JennyDune · 12/11/2021 14:42

Same, I wouldnt mind a £20 pen or house plant for a birthday. I like both.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 12/11/2021 14:44

@JennyDune

Same, I wouldnt mind a £20 pen or house plant for a birthday. I like both.
And if you like them and you get one that suggests that irrelevant of the financial cost your OH has thought about what gift you would like. That doesn't seem to be the case here.
iklboo · 12/11/2021 14:49

@JennyDune - read the updates.

nomorefrogs · 12/11/2021 14:50

@JennyDune the op has updated the first thread to say it was £5 not £20 and he got his staff discount which took the price paid to £4.50. Does that change things?

agnesflorence · 12/11/2021 14:51

That's so disappointing

A pen. A cheap pen. Not even a pad go go with?

JennyDune · 12/11/2021 14:51

[quote nomorefrogs]@JennyDune the op has updated the first thread to say it was £5 not £20 and he got his staff discount which took the price paid to £4.50. Does that change things? [/quote]
Lol, yea...thats a bit s

EnjoyingTheSilence · 12/11/2021 14:57

It’s not about the pen or the cost, I would hate a pen, whether it was a bic or a mont blanc! One of the most romantic things dh did for me cost very little, but it thoughtful.

Op I’m so sorry that your h is a thoughtless twat. Only you know of this is a one off incident or normal behaviour.

Some people are crap at giving gifts but it’s how they treat your throughout the year that’s more important.

Dh is generally crap at gifts (everyone and then he does brilliantly) but he’s a good kind man and isn’t an arsehole! I’ve had to rethink the whole gift thing, if he gets something dud, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t move me, just nothing inspired him at the time. I’d hate a generic this will do gift no matter what the cost. Saying that, he’s never been as bad as a bloody pen from work.

Op, you’re right to be upset, firstly with the gift and secondly for how he’s reacted to your upset. Are you able to have a conversation with him later to explain how this has made you feel?

RedHot22 · 12/11/2021 15:04

@Platax

Do you normally spend £350 on non-milestone birthdays? I hate to think what you spend on milestones. I'm perfectly happy with DH spending £20 on me. But then, I like good pens.
Yes, we do. Birthdays are a big thing in this house, as is Christmas.

Big birthdays we spend more, a lot more

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2021 15:16

@JennyDune

You sound high maintenance tbh.

But a lot of people these days are similar. Apparently getting multiple presents for children is normal for christmas. Growing up, I only got 1 present from my parents and I will only give 1 to my children....

Similarly, even for my birthdays I dont care about the monetary value of gifts, as long as its good/useful. (And it has to be wrapped. I enjoy tearing wrapping paper).

That's you.

But if you think her husband put any thought, love, care or time into that present you're mad. Wanting those things is not high maintenance

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2021 15:19

@1forAll74

How ungrateful to think along these lines, when someone gives you a gift. no matter what the price was.. It is cringeworthy,to hear about folks, who say,well I paid a lot for someones presents, and all I got is cheapo.. quite shameful ! So you think that paying less for something, means that a person doesn't think about you, or care for you, what tosh!
Way to miss the point
starrynight87 · 12/11/2021 15:20

It's the thought and effort behind it too.

A meal out, even a walk with a coffee would have been better.

sjxoxo · 12/11/2021 15:26

Absolutely buy yourself the necklace. I don’t know what on earth went through his head but I’d be furious. Does he think you are his work colleague celebrating 50 years service at his company? Like a scene out of The Office. Out of interest does/did he make an effort buying his mother any gifts. My DH never bothers putting in any effort with his mum & I think he tries with me for fear of fury but he’s often a bit clueless. Buy yourself the necklace and get him a pen at Christmas and several consecutive birthdays and nothing else. Xo

sjxoxo · 12/11/2021 15:31

God that is cheeky. I hope you are busy and going on a lovely spa trip for a friends birthday that same time!! X

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