To be still be seething that DH got me a PEN for my 50th birthday?

[UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames]

Birthday was last month and I got really nice presents from friends and family and he got me that.

What does that say about how he feels about me I wonder?

He said he got it as I’ve just started retraining so am studying part time but it was only about £20 and he could have given me it separately if he really wanted to give me something for that.

For his birthday. I stayed up to make sure I got tickets for something he loved as soon as they were released online, booked a posh hotel as the event was some distance away and gave up my time to go with him when it wasn’t something that interested me. Came to around £350 and it wasn’t a milestone birthday for him. I also got cards and presents from younger DC for him. He didn’t take them to get anything for me.

This has just compounded the fact that he has little care for me at all and I feel quite sick actually.

@BootsScootsAndToots

A £20 pen for your 50th 🤯

Honestly OP, that takes 'couldn't care less' to a new level.

Did you tell him what an incredibly crap present that was?

I'm pretty bad with presents, I feel I do so much all year round, I just sometimes don't have much left to come up with the surprise ultimate present, but dh always gets what he wants (I make him spell it out, and tell me at least 3 decent presents!).

This really is shit 😕

I got a Terry's chocolate orange for my 50th, I don't even like them, there's not much a loathe more than orange chocolate! However I never judged our marriage in fiscal terms, he wasn't good at buying presents, money wasn't the issue! For my 60th I got a digital SLR camera, not because I said I wanted one but because our daughter took over!

What a lazy sod. To reset, you could be assertive about what you require in terms of attention to you and your marriage, and how you want him to put in the effort from now on. And don't let him slide. It is to do with how highly you rate yourself, and he needs to step up to that. People do take others at their own valuation of themselves.

I agree with Sciurus83 that men often hand the emotional labour over to their wives who then do all the presents & cards etc. from them both. This is bad because the other people on the receiving end - relatives etc. will know that he has had no input, and its is actually hurtful as well as lazy (him) and controlling (her). My brother did this - he was brilliant at presents, but since he married his wife does it all and she just gets impersonal job lots and hands them around on his behalf. My DM and I both miss his input with gifts, and found it hurtful.

solution - demand money/go shopping for a specific thing together.

What's the point of going together to buy your birthday present, hardly a surprise, is it? One Christmas, after years of struggling to buy for each other, I decided we would each buy and wrap our own gift from the other one so on Christmas morning the 'surprise' was what you were giving, not what you received. Even then he struggled to buy himself something, apparently was on the phone to daughter for advice! He was staggered at what I bought for myself, a subscription to a magazine I'd bought for years.

You know who this man is, yet you're upset that he did exactly what you knew he would. I'm sorry you're upset but what else did you exactly from a lazy, thoughtless man? Your marriage sounds awful. Get yourself a solicitor for your birthday and set yourself free from this drudgery.

@HyacynthBucket

Same here. My brother was never splashy with presents, but he was good at buying something you'd love.

SIL took over (she's very controlling) & now it's impersonal soap/chocolate.

I miss the gifts from my brother - not because of the gifts/items, but the thought that went into them.

It shows a great lack of thought and care, and to throw the ungrateful thing back at you is disgusting.
I’m assuming there’s more disharmony and resentment in the relationship than just this ?

My DH is better at presents than I am! No excusing based on gender.

That does sound particularly rubbish. Dh now asks me for what I want as he’s absolutely crap at stuff like this. I started photographing a selection of stuff online for when he takes dd out. When she was younger, she didn’t cotton on, which was sweet: oh look, daddy bought that thing you were looking at in M&S!

Could you do something like this in future? But I’m actually reading that you’ve got more issues than just this one. Happy 50th.

SpookyPumpkionPants
Exactly that. I really miss the thought and care that he put into every present, and the fact that he doesn't do it anymore. My SIL is also a control freak

SpookyPumpkinPants
Sorry for misspell just now.

@LookItsMeAgain

I'd give him a Bic biro for Christmas.

Make sure it's beautifully wrapped with a bow on the box. Or wrap it in a box, in a box in a box so he starts with a huge box and ends up with a shitty pen for his Christmas present.

Don't buy him anything else.

Happy birthday by the way.

I’d also do this or even go cheaper than Bic and get him a supermarket own brand version.

The thought behind the pen is nice but it should have been at the side of something more expensive.

That's a crap present and I'm not surprised you were disappointed.

I don't necessarily think it indicates a lack of caring about you, however. Cringey term but google "love languages". Some people use gifts to demonstrate love (not in a shallow way), spend a lot of money and a great deal of thought finding the perfect gift and give it in order to demonstrate their affection. Others just don't, and find such an idea completely baffling. If you are a gift person in a relationship with a non-gift person, it's difficult as it's never going to come naturally to them.

He sounds very disappointing
Is he usually this thoughtless?

That's awful.
I think that's unforgivable.
I'd be telling him he's being divorced in 2022.

There's probably a history of this pattern between yourselves.
So not sure why you expected anything different this year.

No point expecting people to suddenly 'notice' and change their ways if the people around them have accepted their ways for years.
If you constantly put his needs before your own and make a big deal of him, that doesn't mean he will do the same for you.
Because he's an apple and you are an orange.

The dynamic that has grown between you could be that he treats you like a 'mother' so most teenage boys don't go out of their way to buy their mothers something.
Maybe a set of tea towels or something because 'she likes housework because she keeps asking me to tidy my room'.

I'm not saying he isn't a selfish git, I'm saying a pattern of relating is there that won't change overnight.

Has he always been crap at gifts or is this a recent thing? If it's the former then you turning 50 isn't going to change him but if it's a new thing that would be a red flag for me.
I put a huge amount of thought and time into giving gifts but DH doesn't...........in his case it may be something to with his ASD !!!

I got a gorgeous fountain pen for my 40th from DH and I use it all the time.

What's the point of going together to buy your birthday present, hardly a surprise, is it?

I'm not sure what's a point of a surprise if its going to disappoint.
I wouldn't call my OH thoughtless or lazy, just clueless. I like books, and he doesn't read at all. Ditto fashion accessories.
Had the same sort of thing with my dad. He'd just give money.
That said, £20 worth pen for a 50th is really cheap and stingy.

Not good. I bought myself a fancy fountain pen about 20 years ago and it was £100. Something really nice would cost at least twice that now.

think we can pretty much conclude that men are bloody useless at shopping for gifts

No useless men are useless at buying gifts.

solution - demand money/go shopping for a specific thing together

I dont know why someone always comes up with this time after time on these threads its pretty obvious really that irs not the gift or the amount it costs that it is the issue....its the lack of thought. No amount of "demanding" money will make up for that.

It looks like a thoughtless and lazy gesture unless you’d been eyeing up the pen of course! Not getting the DC to get you something was also shabby.

What’s stopping you buying the diamond necklace?

OP,

I think you are correct that you are not a priority.

Instead of wasting time being upset, have a really hard look at your relationship.

Is he selfish?
Does he do his share?
Does he ever do anything nice for you?
Do you do a lot for him?

If you do a lot for him. STOP.

Stop, stop and stop.

I wouldn't mention the present again but I would fully withdraw doing anything that makes his life easier.

I certainly wouldn't be looking to stay long term with someone who clearly has so little regard for me.

He has given you a heads up.
Don't ignore it, because you will regret it.

I'm 50 after Christmas.
My DH had better have something amazing planned.
For his 50th I bought him a private flight lesson in a helicopter and a night away with a really lovely dinner.
If he bought me a pen, I'd be filing for divorce!

OP, you need to tell him this:
I’m not ungrateful. 50th is a big Birthday. I spent a lot of time, thought, care and money on your Birthday, and if you want to show you care about me, you need to at least reciprocate. Please take the pen, which I neither mentioned I wanted, nor want, back, get me the diamond necklace that you knew I wanted, and pay more attention to reciprocating with gifts in future, because that’s what married couples/people that care about each other do.

It's pretty clear that this is just the tip of the iceberg. You put effort in, and spend money, and he doesn't. And now you're tired of it. The pen thing would absolutely annoy and upset me. But actually, what would upset me MORE is that he couldn't even be bothered to find some gifts to give you from the DC? I mean, DH is SHITE at planning etc, but even he can usually take the kids down to Sainsburys or Boots and let them pick out something for me. I've had everything from fancy products from Clarins to a hilarious bobbly hat that DD took a fancy to and was convinced I would love!

I assume there's more to it than this? In which case, perhaps you need to be thinking about the bigger issue.