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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be still be seething that DH got me a PEN for my 50th birthday?

220 replies

UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames · 12/11/2021 09:53

Birthday was last month and I got really nice presents from friends and family and he got me that.

What does that say about how he feels about me I wonder?

He said he got it as I’ve just started retraining so am studying part time but it was only about £20 and he could have given me it separately if he really wanted to give me something for that.

For his birthday. I stayed up to make sure I got tickets for something he loved as soon as they were released online, booked a posh hotel as the event was some distance away and gave up my time to go with him when it wasn’t something that interested me. Came to around £350 and it wasn’t a milestone birthday for him. I also got cards and presents from younger DC for him. He didn’t take them to get anything for me.

This has just compounded the fact that he has little care for me at all and I feel quite sick actually.

OP posts:
chocolateicefan · 12/11/2021 12:00

Similar thing happened to me. With the benefit of hindsight, he had clearly stopped seeing me as a desirable woman - his wife to be cherished. The present is the sort of thing you would get a friend.

Capferret · 12/11/2021 12:04

My dh knew I always wanted to go to Italy so for my 50th booked 4 nights in Rome.
It was an amazing surprise but Rome in August is so hot. Our Italian friend was shocked and said we would melt. I nearly did.
The thought was there though.

Zilla1 · 12/11/2021 12:07

Congratulations on your landmark, OP. Did any other fmily make an effort.

I don't want to make you feel worse, OP, but the assymmetry of thought and spend between £20 on a mundane pen for a landmark birthday and £300+ on a non-landmark with the automatic 'ungrateful' would annoy most people. Do you generally feel like he's contributing to the relationship and do you feel appreciated? If you can afford it then choose a diamond pendant you like (you'll get a lot more from a trade rather than a high street jeweller) then perhaps token gifts to your DP for as long as you decide to keep him as a DP.

Good luck.

mrsm43s · 12/11/2021 12:16

I think I must live in a different world to everyone else, or maybe just have different values.

A pen, for someone who has just started retraining and so is studying is a thoughtful gift! It might not have cost a lot of money, but thought has been put into buying you something you can use, and that hopefully you'd get joy out of using.

I would stay that jewellery is generally a thoughtless gift (although there can be exceptions). It's chucking money at something, rather than thinking about something specific to someone's actual circumstances.

In our house, love is not measured by money.

We'd value something more that has been picked out that suits our specific circumstances than something that happened to cost a lot of money, but was generic.

I find the idea of an expensive present being needed to show love as quite shallow tbh.

That said, this gift obviously made you feel bad, and I think it shows that you don't feel happy in your relationship. I also picked up that in your OP you said "...and gave up my time to go with him...", when talking about your gift to him, which I also see as symptomatic of a broken relationship. DH and I really, really don't see accompanying each other to events (even if we're not particularly interested in them) as some kind of chore. We'd actively enjoy being there with each other, and I'd take great pleasure in watching my husband enjoy a show!

If my husband, in your circumstances, bought me a pen, I'd be delighted that he'd thought to get me something I could use when studying, and I'd feel lovely and fuzzy inside every time I used it. You don't feel like that, which points to far bigger issues in the relationship.

He should also have arranged to get something for you with the children. (Unless the children are 11+, in which case, they should really be doing it themselves, but even then he should probably have nudged them.)

batmanladybird · 12/11/2021 12:18

Is his love language different to yours!

RedHot22 · 12/11/2021 12:22

YANBU

I thought you were going to say it was a Mont Blanc or something!

Wishimaywishimight · 12/11/2021 12:28

It's a rubbish, thoughtless, cheap present for any birthday let alone a 50th. I would tell him how hurt and disappointed I was and hopefully he will step up and do something special for Christmas. Also, reconsider just how much effort and money you spent on him in future.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to be disappointed. This is the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world and he has certainly not behaved as though this is the case.

chocolateicefan · 12/11/2021 12:29

Of course he's put some thought into buying you something you need, but that is what friends do. IMO a gift from a husband to a wife should have that extra-special quality to it which sets the woman apart as the centre of his universe. It's actually fairly easy to do - jewellery, lingerie, romantic trips, all those things which make a woman feel like a cherished and desirable partner.

UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames · 12/11/2021 12:30

OMFG It actually cost £5!

Just found the same one online.

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 12/11/2021 12:31

I really hate when people respond to these sorts of posts by saying how rubbish "men" are at buying presents. Utter bollocks. Some men, same as some women, are thoughtless and cheap.

Decent men (and women) who love their partners put some thought into gifts, want to make their partner feel loved and appreciated, and act accordingly.

UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames · 12/11/2021 12:33

We are at a point where we have more disposable income than ever before as well so cost was NOT a factor.

My SIL’s who I am not close to and hardly see put more effort and expense into my presents.

OP posts:
chocolateicefan · 12/11/2021 12:33

@UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames

OMFG It actually cost £5!

Just found the same one online.

What a cheapskate.
UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames · 12/11/2021 12:34

He bought it from the place he works at so

OP posts:
UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames · 12/11/2021 12:36

Oops posted too soon.

He bought it from the place he works at so he would have got a 10% discount so paid £4.50.

OP posts:
NewbieAlert · 12/11/2021 12:37

£5?! And nothing from the kids?
I just don’t know how he has explained this.

Totally thoughtless.

Wishimaywishimight · 12/11/2021 12:37

@UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames

He bought it from the place he works at so
Probably got a discount!

Utter cheapskate/miserable bastard...

I'd bin it (and make sure he saw it there)!

chocolateicefan · 12/11/2021 12:38

Donate it to charity.

Justilou1 · 12/11/2021 12:40

I would be really hurt that he could t get off his arse and put in enough effort to go out and find something from a place outside of his normal workplace, let alone anything of value. I would genuinely be asking “Is that what I’m worth to you?” Sorry you are in this position. Have been there.

FluffyBlueJumper · 12/11/2021 12:41

For my 40th five months ago, DH got me... nothing. He changed the family car. Apparently it counts as my present.
He got a helicopter ride for his 40th.

Onesipmore · 12/11/2021 12:42

Have you said anything to him about it?

WonderfulYou · 12/11/2021 12:44

I think the pen was actually a lovely gift. Most gifts are just run of the mill stuff brought from shops like jewellery, flowers or chocolates but he’s actually out some thought into it which is really nice.

However for a 50th birthday I would hope I would have something to go along with that pen. At the very least a nice notebook!

mrsm43s · 12/11/2021 12:45

@chocolateicefan

Of course he's put some thought into buying you something you need, but that is what friends do. IMO a gift from a husband to a wife should have that extra-special quality to it which sets the woman apart as the centre of his universe. It's actually fairly easy to do - jewellery, lingerie, romantic trips, all those things which make a woman feel like a cherished and desirable partner.
If my husband bought me lingerie, I'd be seriously pissed off. If he bought me jewellery, I'd be happy enough as long as it was something meaningful to me - say cornish glass jewellery from a favourite holiday spot, or antique deco style jewellery because of my interest in that period. Generic diamond necklace/bracelet from a high street jeweller, I'd be pissed off with the lack of thought, regardless of how much it cost. Not sure what a "romantic" trip is? A trip to see a particular exhibition or building or city that I had an interest in, great! A generic lets fly to Paris because it "romantic" despite me having shown no interest in going there - I'd be disappointed.

I really don't get this idea that I need special "romantic" gifts to feel like a "cherished and desirable partner" .

Something that someone has thought about, and that they know meet your specific needs/circumstances/hobbies/interests is what would make me feel loved.

That said, given OPs updates that its a pen for a fiver from where her OP works, I'd say that's not thoughtful and fairly indefensible!

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 12/11/2021 12:45

I spend more than £20 on just friends' "normal" birthdays. Much more for a special one like a fiftieth. And more again on DH's birthdays. 4.50? How insensitive and tight.

Sexnotgender · 12/11/2021 12:47

He’s a cheap lazy excuse for a man.

Buy the necklace and divorce him.

blueberrysundae · 12/11/2021 12:53

Ungrateful?? He is the one that is ungrateful if he thinks £20 is comparable to the £350 you spent on him, and not even a milestone birthday at that.

My ex took me to the top of a mountain and proposed with a ring we had gotten from a vending machine as a joke 5 years earlier. As sentimental as that was, I found it unacceptable and made him take me go ring shopping. I chose a diamond and sapphire ring.

If he won't rise to the occasion the next best thing is to take matters into your own hands.

And mostly, I'm so sorry that this has had you so upset. It's horrid. I hope you had a nice birthday besides this.