To be still be seething that DH got me a PEN for my 50th birthday?

[UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames]

Birthday was last month and I got really nice presents from friends and family and he got me that.

What does that say about how he feels about me I wonder?

He said he got it as I’ve just started retraining so am studying part time but it was only about £20 and he could have given me it separately if he really wanted to give me something for that.

For his birthday. I stayed up to make sure I got tickets for something he loved as soon as they were released online, booked a posh hotel as the event was some distance away and gave up my time to go with him when it wasn’t something that interested me. Came to around £350 and it wasn’t a milestone birthday for him. I also got cards and presents from younger DC for him. He didn’t take them to get anything for me.

This has just compounded the fact that he has little care for me at all and I feel quite sick actually.

@UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames

Oops posted too soon.

He bought it from the place he works at so he would have got a 10% discount so paid £4.50.

Omg he's really taking the piss

When I read the title I assumed the pen would be a Mont Blanc and came on here to vote YABU because I'd love one and that would be a thoughtful present, but no, it's a £4.50 cruddy pen he got from work.

And for him to call you ungrateful?! I am appalled, he should be ashamed of himself.

All you want is a little thought. You made his birthday special and he doesn't even bother helping the kids to get something for you. He thinks he doesn't have to put any effort in to making you happy anymore. I'd be reading him the riot act for this.

What does HE have to say about it?

For his birthday, say you have a surprise for him but it's online. Then send him a link to this thread.

So for when your 'D'H reads this:

You are a tight bastard and she's well rid of you

That's shit. You suggest that he is uncaring in general, so I would be considering whether I wanted to spend my remaining years with someone who was so unconcerned about me.

@DerektheGoose

That's really crappy of him OP I got nothing for my 50th from DH - not even a card. It's his 50th next year and I just know he'll expect the moon on a stick

I hope you get him exactly what he got you.

I'm so sorry. That is shit. DH did this once to me. Got me a shrub he wanted for the garden. (He's the gardener.) I said very pointedly, 'Thank you so much for my shrub. I know how much you wanted it.' And left it at that. He got the message. Now he makes an effort.

Initially I thought it was a bit rubbish as a 50th birthday present but if it was an expensive one then ok, not ideal but ok. But it cost £4.50! Wow!

Not all men are useless at gift giving. My bf KNOWS I would rather not have than have rubbish and if he is getting something a little off script he will say "is this a shit idea?".

You told him what you wanted and he still got you rubbish ...

Tell him, though. Make it very clear that you feel completely overlooked and neglected. Point out what you got him, the effort you put in from yourself and on behalf of DC for what wasn't even a milestone birthday. How he reacts when you make it very clear it's not OK will tell you what you need to know.

On the plus side, it’s Christmas soon. Give him a jar of expired mayonnaise from the back of the fridge. Or, if you want to put more effort in a divorce petition would fit nicely in a Christmas card.

Serve him divorce papers for Christmas and a cheap pen to sign them with.

In the short-term, he'd be getting something worth precisely £4.50 for Christmas. How about:

• an apron
• a car charger
• a door stop?

You could put any change from your £4.50 in an envelope for him.

Meanwhile, I'd buy myself a Christmas gift around the £330 mark.

In the long-term, I'd be thinking about whether the greatest gift to myself might be not to have to wake up next to him.

A pen is a perfect gift for a 50th birthday if it’s a lovely Mont Blanc pen and you know the person really likes and appreciates nice pens. Otherwise, it’s at thoughtful and relevant as buying someone a 10 pack of Asda pens. What’s worse is that he actually knew what OP did want, a necklace, and bought her a crappy pen instead. Lump of coal for him for Christmas.

How very shit. How is the rest of your relationship?

Once an ex DP bought me nothing for my birthday, not even a card because ‘he didn’t believe in them’, after I put lots of effort into his. That was the icing on top of a very large cake for me and I broke up with him. It wasn’t about the birthday at all but it put a lot of things into perspective for me about how shit he is. He loved telling people I broke up with him over a birthday present though.

@UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames

Oops posted too soon.

He bought it from the place he works at so he would have got a 10% discount so paid £4.50.

I am sorry OP, but I did laugh.

Oh my god!!

I am forgiving of people who buy awkward birthday presents because I generally think presents are a huge waste of money, think people put too much store by them (so much oneupmanship), and try as I might (and believe me, I really really do) I struggle to buy great presents myself. I also think that unless you have married very recently, you can't really be surprised by this man. Why not help him very specifically in future? Why not say to him now, look I really wanted a diamond necklace, please could you sort that out for me because I'm genuinely upset about this and the symbolism attached to it? Help him get it right if he can't manage on his own. Unless of course he deliberately doesn't want to get it right (a possibility) in which case you have to be far more challenging about it. Either way, don't fester, don't stay silent - communicate.

How ungrateful to think along these lines, when someone gives you a gift. no matter what the price was.. It is cringeworthy,to hear about folks, who say,well I paid a lot for someones presents, and all I got is cheapo.. quite shameful ! So you think that paying less for something, means that a person doesn't think about you, or care for you, what tosh!

@1forAll74 this isn't about the OP being grabby, it's about her fear that such a lame and thoughtless gift may be indicative that actual her dh doesn't care a jot for her.
Making her feel ungrateful for such a stingy present is manipulative and uncalled for when the presents he receives are generous, well planned and individual.

Does he have form for this? I find some women excuse or minimize shit gift giving until it's a landmark birthday and then expect him to raise his game. You need to start the training early (and yes, it is a shame to compare men to dogs who need training, but it is what it is.)

Buy yourself the necklace. Go top of budget. And remember this when it comes to his birthdays.

How ungrateful to think along these lines, when someone gives you a gift

You heard the troll OP. Get him a pack of lard for his next birthday. And LTB if he's not on his knees with gratitude.

You need a cathartic moment. Bring your beautiful necklace home, put it on, then ceremonially bin the biro. Ideally while he is there.

So now you know how much you'll be spending on him for Christmas. And actually do it.

Serve him divorce papers for Christmas and a cheap pen to sign them with.

nah, give him the papers and the pen he gave you to sign them with

@1forAll74

How ungrateful to think along these lines, when someone gives you a gift. no matter what the price was.. It is cringeworthy,to hear about folks, who say,well I paid a lot for someones presents, and all I got is cheapo.. quite shameful ! So you think that paying less for something, means that a person doesn't think about you, or care for you, what tosh!

For his birthday the OP got her husband lots of thoughtful gifts and events that cost £350, and organised presents for him from the children so everyone in the family could celebrate his birthday together.

For her birthday he got her a £4.50 pen from work and didn't help the kids to get her a card.

This is a huge disparity of effort and care. One party is putting in a lot more effort than the other but is never allowed to complain because it's 'ungrateful' to expect someone to make more than the bare minimum effort. I hate how women are conditioned to react like "for my birthday my husband gave me an elastic band he found on the pavement and some new Asda own brand laundry liquid. I'm so grateful, it's the thought that counts!".

Well said @FlowerFlour

@1forAll74

How ungrateful to think along these lines, when someone gives you a gift. no matter what the price was.. It is cringeworthy,to hear about folks, who say,well I paid a lot for someones presents, and all I got is cheapo.. quite shameful ! So you think that paying less for something, means that a person doesn't think about you, or care for you, what tosh!

Way to miss the point... It isn't the value of the gift, it is the complete lack of care, effort, thought and love that is the issue.