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Original poster

To be still be seething that DH got me a PEN for my 50th birthday?

220 replies

UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames · 12/11/2021 09:53

Birthday was last month and I got really nice presents from friends and family and he got me that.

What does that say about how he feels about me I wonder?

He said he got it as I’ve just started retraining so am studying part time but it was only about £20 and he could have given me it separately if he really wanted to give me something for that.

For his birthday. I stayed up to make sure I got tickets for something he loved as soon as they were released online, booked a posh hotel as the event was some distance away and gave up my time to go with him when it wasn’t something that interested me. Came to around £350 and it wasn’t a milestone birthday for him. I also got cards and presents from younger DC for him. He didn’t take them to get anything for me.

This has just compounded the fact that he has little care for me at all and I feel quite sick actually.

OP posts:
LittleDandelionClock · 12/11/2021 11:24

A PEN?! Hmm

Grabmygran · 12/11/2021 11:26

The lack of thought and effort would bother me a lot. DH made me a lovely video featuring all my friends and family for my 40th. It was a lovely surprise and had taken him some time to put together but cost a grand total of nothing. He did buy me some other lovely presents but that was my favourite.

Skeumorph · 12/11/2021 11:27

Well whatever you'd normally spend on him at Christmas can now be put towards your necklace! And every other birthday and Xmas until it's paid for :)

starrynight87 · 12/11/2021 11:28

OP - I have to know, what pen was it!?

Ourlady · 12/11/2021 11:28

He's thoughtless!
And he had the cheek to call you ungrateful.
I wouldn't be happy either.

redastherose · 12/11/2021 11:29

That's a shit present in anyone's book for your 50th! I would suggest that you consider whether this is a relationship you still want to be in for your 51st if he really doesn't care about you and your feelings.

If nothing else I would never bother buying him anything other than a pen or some equally thoughtless cheap gift for his next birthday.

Seriously though it may be that this complete lack of thought for you has opened your eyes about just quite how little he thinks of you and I would imagine it is that which is really making you think rather than the rubbish present. If I were you I would be as hurt by the fact that he didn't bother to help the kids buy something for you (unless they are old enough to buy things on their own).

whoopy1 · 12/11/2021 11:29

I usually would say that you should be grateful for getting a present, or that you shouldn’t feel so entitled, however in your case I think you are right to be upset! Whilst I think the wanting a diamond necklace is maybe “over the top”, I would have expected him to make much more of an effort, plus get present(s) from your young children too.

As others have said, a cheap bic pen (or even a freebie one, with advertising on it), wrapped up beautifully in a large box for his Christmas and absolutely nothing else!

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 12/11/2021 11:33

Honestly, what is it with (lots of) men being thoughtless gift givers? This is the second thread I’ve read today about shit presents gifted to wives.

WrongWayApricot · 12/11/2021 11:33

Does he usually spend much less than you on gifts? At first it sounds like a thoughtful gift but you have mentioned the necklace and spent a lot on his gift, which changes things. If it's every year like this then it's to be expected. If it's just this year what on earth happened this year to make him so thoughtless?

Stompythedinosaur · 12/11/2021 11:36

I don't think a pen is bad really, but perhaps I'm easily pleased. I think it must be a nice pen for £20 and it was thoughtful.

Maybe a discussion agreeing a rough budget for birthdays in future so things aren't so uneven? He might be thinking he'd like less fuss and would welcome a discussion.

19Bears · 12/11/2021 11:37

@UserOfLotsOfDifferentNames I started a very similar thread myself yesterday about receiving a George Forman grill, so I know exactly how you're feeling. I too have been made to feel ungrateful and generally a terrible person. I also know how you feel about booking something special (and expensive) for dh, but getting nothing similar in return. Obviously I don't give to receive, and I don't think you do either, but it's just the lack of thought and effort that is so disappointing. How do you feel about him otherwise? Is this a straw that breaks the camel's back situation, or a flaw in an otherwise happy marriage???

Stompythedinosaur · 12/11/2021 11:37

Also, I would definitely feel entitled to buy something for yourself from joint funds to even things up a bit.

monotonousmum · 12/11/2021 11:38

One year a friend of mine got a pen holder for her bday from her then boyfriend.
He made a really big deal about the lovely present be bought her, she was so confused when she opened it 😄😄
Still makes me laugh when I think about it now

starfishmummy · 12/11/2021 11:40

@Spanielsarepainless

I got a gorgeous fountain pen for my 40th from DH and I use it all the time.
I'm a fountain pen user so I'd love to get one too. (Especially if it had Montblanc on the label, although I'd be worried about losing it).
Irishfarmer · 12/11/2021 11:40

I would not be happy!

RedHelenB · 12/11/2021 11:40

Yabu. You say he doesn't care for you so I'd not expect much from him and I certainly wouldn't be martying myself so he could have a great birthday.

nanbread · 12/11/2021 11:45

@CatsArePeople

I think we can pretty much conclude that men are bloody useless at shopping for gifts.

solution - demand money/go shopping for a specific thing together.

Because if you expect thought or a nice surprise, you may just get a pen or a toaster.

My OH, sometime ago, when i pointed at a perfume i wanted, bought something else entirely, saying "well, it was a bigger bottle for the same price!" Confused can you even argue with that sort of logic?

Um no

My DH always gets me thoughtful and generous presents, cake, gifts and cards from DC etc

Orgasmagorical · 12/11/2021 11:46

I made my disappointment very clear and he tried to make out I was ungrateful!

Does he have form for spoiling your birthdays and blaming you for his failings?

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2021 11:47

@Spanielsarepainless

I got a gorgeous fountain pen for my 40th from DH and I use it all the time.
Oh.

Lucky you.

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2021 11:49

@whoopy1

I usually would say that you should be grateful for getting a present, or that you shouldn’t feel so entitled, however in your case I think you are right to be upset! Whilst I think the wanting a diamond necklace is maybe “over the top”, I would have expected him to make much more of an effort, plus get present(s) from your young children too.

As others have said, a cheap bic pen (or even a freebie one, with advertising on it), wrapped up beautifully in a large box for his Christmas and absolutely nothing else!

It's not over the top if it's within their budget.
Punfreeusername · 12/11/2021 11:50

There's nothing as 'telling' as getting thoughtless, cheap presents from partners. It really does speak volumes and is often a tangible example of all round thoughtless, selfish behaviour.

It is never ' a man' thing, or that someone is rubbish at present buying. It's deliberate. Buying your partner a £20 pen for their 50th birthday is unforgivable if months earlier your present has obviously been worth ten times that and a lot more thoughtful.

I've had similar done to me, and demanded an explanation as to why they had thought so little about the gift. It led to a wider discussion about effort and commitment in the relationship.

I very much doubt that this is the only issue the OP has with their partner.

longtompot · 12/11/2021 11:56

Aww op it reminds me of a line from one of my fave 80s films, Say Anything. "I gave her my heart, and she game me a pen!"

A pen is a good present if it was an expensive one, not a £20 thing you might go and buy yourself. I would be inclined to go and buy the necklace you wanted for yourself.

I was dreading my 50th this year and my dh can be a hit and miss for my birthdays, but he has booked a night away on the coast. After reading the post on here recently where it was the ops significant birthday, her 40th I think, where her 'd'h didn't get her a thing and she actually uninvited him from her birthday meal with friends, I said to my dh I didn't need to do anything as such but I didn't want the day to go by unmarked and just feel like any other day.

GroggyLegs · 12/11/2021 11:57

I declare myself shit at buying gifts, but for my husband's 40th (in fecking lockdown), I forced myself to stop being a tit and think and plan a lovely day for someone I love and appreciate.

It takes effort taào show people they matter & I think that's what was missing, not a gift Flowers

Sandinyourshoes · 12/11/2021 11:58

Not sure I would find this a huge deal provided everything else is ok. If everything else is not ok, a fantastic present won’t fix that situation. I would just get myself the necklace if that’s what I wanted, its what we do anyway - get our own stuff when we want it within reason of course - less scope for error, unwanted tat & less waiting around. Some people just aren’t any good at choosing gifts, and others are difficult to buy for. But then I don’t do birthdays anymore!

Tal45 · 12/11/2021 12:00

Get him a pencil for his next birthday. One of those cheap ones that every time you try to sharpen it the nib breaks.