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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or would you also find this too much?

218 replies

anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:13

I have a very longstanding friend who I have known since 6th form.

She moved to another country in her early 20s and we are still in touch now. I have visited her (US) in total 5 times in that time, specifically for the purpose of flying to see her (apart from on one occasion I took a boyfriend and we saw her for a weekend then had a longer holiday in the rest of the US).

Since having DC I no longer have the money to visit her, we have had one foreign holiday since DC1 was born in 2008. I have visited my friend in the US only once since having children, for a weekend when she got married.

She did also fly to the UK for my wedding (combined with the usual family visits).

Now, every time she comes to the UK she asks me to visit her at her parent's house - they are an hour away and I have always driven to see her whenever she is over. She doesn't get a great deal of holiday but she does have a big family in the UK and is over frequently.

My AIBU is this. When she is over in the UK she asks me to see her and I am usually given a time slot (say 8-11 on a Sunday morning) during which I visit her and her entire family and we sit in her parent''s house surrounded by her family.

I like her family they are nice, I have known them since I was 16 but some of them do have a tendency to tease me as though I am still 16. I am 47 and I find it tiring and overwhelming at times. I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running. And I don't mind doing that.

What I do find difficult is that I get literally ZERO time to catch up with my friend on my own as we are surrounded by her family the whole time and I am expected to slot in with that. We never go out for coffee, for a drink, for dinner, nothing.

She is over in a couple of weeks and I've been issued with my 'slot' an awkward 2 hour slot on a weekend morning which will require a 2 hour round trip to attend.

I have been having a difficult time lately and I don't feel up to socialising with her entire family. I would love to see her, but not like this. We've been doing it this way for years and I feel guilty at the thought of missing out on seeing her. But....if feels too much. AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
hamsterchump · 08/11/2021 20:22

Can you not just say that you'd love to see her but would she like to grab a coffee or something so you can have a proper catch up and talk about everything just the two of you, maybe mention you're happy to pick her up from home and take her somewhere?

MatildaTheCat · 08/11/2021 20:22

Of course YANBU but if you haven’t actually suggested meeting alone and have gone there pretending to be happy about it then it’s understandable that she’s asking again.

Message her saying you’ve been a bit under the weather and would like to meet up quietly together.

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:25

Thank you, I have made that suggestion before that we go elsewhere but am always told it 'doesn't fit'. The parents live rurally so it would involve a bit of driving to get anywhere else to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:27

Just to say I DO know that they have very limited annual leave in the US so this comes from a place of her needing to cram as much in as possible. Which I've always been happy to do.

But right now I just don't have the resources for it, I feel overwhelmed at the idea of the whole performance right now.

OP posts:
Lasair · 08/11/2021 20:27

Explain that you’re having a hard time and ask to see her one on one.

Valeriane · 08/11/2021 20:27

Why cant you just text back saying "love to, I'll see you at 10 at [place local to her that does a great fry up], breakfast on me"

Valeriane · 08/11/2021 20:28

If her parents live rurally then just get her to drive to a nearby town/village and meet you there (her parents can drop her off if she doesnt drive)

stripetop · 08/11/2021 20:29

She's your friend, tell her the truth. I just need to see you, let me know when best suits.

SoniaFouler · 08/11/2021 20:30

Does she do anything else while she’s over here apart from visit her parents? Does she have quite a few friends she issues these slots to? Does she go and see her extended family or do they come to her? Because I’m just wondering, factoring in how little time off a lot of people in the USA gets, whether she simply doesn’t have the time, factoring in the actual journey and jet lag etc. How long does she stay here for each time?

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:31

Thanks for all the responses. I genuinely thought I was being unreasonable.

I really don't think she will make time to see me separately. I guess that's why I'm really wanting to be sure whether I'm BU, because I think I won't get what I've asked for and then I'll have to say well I'm not coming and she'll think I hate her family or something.

OP posts:
41sunnydays · 08/11/2021 20:32

Can you not meet her for your slot and if she lives rurally go for a walk near her home ?

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:33

@SoniaFouler

Does she do anything else while she’s over here apart from visit her parents? Does she have quite a few friends she issues these slots to? Does she go and see her extended family or do they come to her? Because I’m just wondering, factoring in how little time off a lot of people in the USA gets, whether she simply doesn’t have the time, factoring in the actual journey and jet lag etc. How long does she stay here for each time?
She visits her parents in one city and often her sister in a city about 90 minutes from there, but more often than not the sister and her family come to her. So it's me, my friend, her partner, their DC, my friend's parents, her sister ,his wife and their DC. Cosy!

Yes, she is pushed for time due to US holiday allowance as I mentioned above.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 08/11/2021 20:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:34

(sorry to amend above parents are not IN the city but in the countryside miles out of it but distance from her to her sister is about 90 minutes in the car).

OP posts:
SoniaFouler · 08/11/2021 20:35

Does she stay for a week, or ten days, or less?
@anniegetyourgoat

forrestgreen · 08/11/2021 20:35

But you're not there to see her family. I presume you don't pop to see them when she's in the USA.

Hi df, I'd prefer it if we could have a proper catch up with just us two. I've found x place that should work.

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:36

@SoniaFouler

Does she stay for a week, or ten days, or less? *@anniegetyourgoat*
I think it's usually about 5 days, it tends to be based on when their national holidays are as they get quite a lot of those I believe. Tbh I'm not sure I just get told "I'm at my parents 2nrd-5th (or similar) please come and see me at theirs".
OP posts:
Valeriane · 08/11/2021 20:38

You are assuming a lot without directly telling her. Why dont you try and catch her in transit before she heads off to family, so for example if she arrives at manchester and then normally travels on to her parents from there, arrange to meet her for a drink or two in manchester before she journeys on

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:39

@Valeriane

You are assuming a lot without directly telling her. Why dont you try and catch her in transit before she heads off to family, so for example if she arrives at manchester and then normally travels on to her parents from there, arrange to meet her for a drink or two in manchester before she journeys on
Sorry what am I assuming?

Her family pick her up from the airport and take her back to it so that wouldn't be an option.

OP posts:
SoniaFouler · 08/11/2021 20:41

I think it's usually about 5 days, it tends to be based on when their national holidays are as they get quite a lot of those I believe. Tbh I'm not sure I just get told "I'm at my parents 2nrd-5th (or similar) please come and see me at theirs".

Tbh I think that makes quite a bit of difference. Depending what part of America, one of those days could be taken up just by travelling. And then jet lag. And depending on the time of the end flight that could shave a day off at the end to. So really it could be something like 3 days. I’d want to spend it with my family too. I’d like to see my friends too of course, but my family would come first. I think you’ll either have to say no, and explain why, and be prepared for her to feel upset because she’ll feel like she’s travelled all the way arround the planet and you’re not willing to drive for 2 hours to see her (and Americans see a 2 hour drive as a short journey, tbh) or miss out on seeing her and arrange to see her over there (but that means shelling out money and having to fly there each time and you might not want to do that).

Piggy42 · 08/11/2021 20:42

YANBU but then neither is she if she’s only home 5 days and wants to see family too. Is there anywhere nearby her parents you could take her for breakfast:lunch/dinner?

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:44

@SoniaFouler

I think it's usually about 5 days, it tends to be based on when their national holidays are as they get quite a lot of those I believe. Tbh I'm not sure I just get told "I'm at my parents 2nrd-5th (or similar) please come and see me at theirs".

Tbh I think that makes quite a bit of difference. Depending what part of America, one of those days could be taken up just by travelling. And then jet lag. And depending on the time of the end flight that could shave a day off at the end to. So really it could be something like 3 days. I’d want to spend it with my family too. I’d like to see my friends too of course, but my family would come first. I think you’ll either have to say no, and explain why, and be prepared for her to feel upset because she’ll feel like she’s travelled all the way arround the planet and you’re not willing to drive for 2 hours to see her (and Americans see a 2 hour drive as a short journey, tbh) or miss out on seeing her and arrange to see her over there (but that means shelling out money and having to fly there each time and you might not want to do that).

Well I see this point of view myself. It's why I'm asking the question and why I've specifically mentioned how little holiday she gets. I really am not oblivious to this fact, it's why I want to know if AIBU.

I've been going along with it for twenty whole years now. But I'm tired and not feeling up to it on this occasion. Thank you for clarifying that her family come first so I won't be missed.

OP posts:
Suspiciousmind20 · 08/11/2021 20:47

I would be honest.... ‘Actually, to be honest, I am having a bit of a hard time at the moment and don’t feel up to socialising with a group, even your lovely family. I’d love to see you though and I could do with a good catch up with you. If you are able to, any chance we could meet on our own, may be at X? I know how strapped for time you are and that you want to see family while you are here so if you can’t get out to meet me then I’ll totally understand.’

BrunoJenkins · 08/11/2021 20:47

Her family pick her up from the airport and take her back to it so that wouldn't be an option.

Could you offer to pick her up from the airport and drop her off at her parents house? That'd give you one-on-one time during the drive.

ViceLikeBlip · 08/11/2021 20:48

I would say "that souds great! Why don't we treat ourselves to brunch/lunch etc at XXX?" Or if she's a very good friend, be more honest and say that you're in a bad place and you'd love to see her but you her whole family would be too much right now.