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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or would you also find this too much?

218 replies

anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:13

I have a very longstanding friend who I have known since 6th form.

She moved to another country in her early 20s and we are still in touch now. I have visited her (US) in total 5 times in that time, specifically for the purpose of flying to see her (apart from on one occasion I took a boyfriend and we saw her for a weekend then had a longer holiday in the rest of the US).

Since having DC I no longer have the money to visit her, we have had one foreign holiday since DC1 was born in 2008. I have visited my friend in the US only once since having children, for a weekend when she got married.

She did also fly to the UK for my wedding (combined with the usual family visits).

Now, every time she comes to the UK she asks me to visit her at her parent's house - they are an hour away and I have always driven to see her whenever she is over. She doesn't get a great deal of holiday but she does have a big family in the UK and is over frequently.

My AIBU is this. When she is over in the UK she asks me to see her and I am usually given a time slot (say 8-11 on a Sunday morning) during which I visit her and her entire family and we sit in her parent''s house surrounded by her family.

I like her family they are nice, I have known them since I was 16 but some of them do have a tendency to tease me as though I am still 16. I am 47 and I find it tiring and overwhelming at times. I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running. And I don't mind doing that.

What I do find difficult is that I get literally ZERO time to catch up with my friend on my own as we are surrounded by her family the whole time and I am expected to slot in with that. We never go out for coffee, for a drink, for dinner, nothing.

She is over in a couple of weeks and I've been issued with my 'slot' an awkward 2 hour slot on a weekend morning which will require a 2 hour round trip to attend.

I have been having a difficult time lately and I don't feel up to socialising with her entire family. I would love to see her, but not like this. We've been doing it this way for years and I feel guilty at the thought of missing out on seeing her. But....if feels too much. AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:49

@BrunoJenkins

Her family pick her up from the airport and take her back to it so that wouldn't be an option.

Could you offer to pick her up from the airport and drop her off at her parents house? That'd give you one-on-one time during the drive.

Not really, she flies into Heathrow, it's 2.5 hours from me and I work full time in a school so I can't take annual leave for things like this.
OP posts:
Valeriane · 08/11/2021 20:50

Its totally understandable that this time you're not feeling up to it, but honestly? This is such a longstanding friendship and shes come from america. I would suck it up and just go personally.

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:50

@Suspiciousmind20

I would be honest.... ‘Actually, to be honest, I am having a bit of a hard time at the moment and don’t feel up to socialising with a group, even your lovely family. I’d love to see you though and I could do with a good catch up with you. If you are able to, any chance we could meet on our own, may be at X? I know how strapped for time you are and that you want to see family while you are here so if you can’t get out to meet me then I’ll totally understand.’
Thank you I think this wording is absolutely perfect. I'm going to send it.
OP posts:
Hairyfriend · 08/11/2021 20:50

I'd be honest and say you'd like to catch up with JUST her, and that you have booked a spa treatment for your both during your 'slot', breakfast, brunch etc.

I'm in a very situation. I moved abroad 18yrs ago, but return to my home country often (pre-covid). I always had to fit around THEIR lives! I have no children, where as they all do, and they were working too.

One friend would always bring her children- even when her DH could mind them for an hour while we caught up. I found it really difficult to talk to her about anything at all and extremely distracting. Years on, she still has no idea about my fertility struggles, IVF and 3 MC's.

I imagine its the same with sitting with your friends WHOLE family! You wouldn't be able to discuss anything personal at all. SHE is being unreasonable to think its normal and not agree to go elsewhere or at the very least, go for a walk or drive together.

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:51

@Valeriane

Its totally understandable that this time you're not feeling up to it, but honestly? This is such a longstanding friendship and shes come from america. I would suck it up and just go personally.
I have been sucking it up for 20 years. I'm not up to it on this one single occasion in 20 years. I know she comes from the US, but not actually to see me. I've visited the US several times purely for the purposes of seeing her. No other reason.
OP posts:
MsAnnFrope · 08/11/2021 20:53

This is so well worded!

SoniaFouler · 08/11/2021 20:54

@anniegetyourgoat
Well I see this point of view myself. It's why I'm asking the question and why I've specifically mentioned how little holiday she gets. I really am not oblivious to this fact, it's why I want to know if AIBU.

I've been going along with it for twenty whole years now. But I'm tired and not feeling up to it on this occasion. Thank you for clarifying that her family come first so I won't be missed.

Shan’t bother replying then next time if you’re just going to be snappy, was just trying to help.

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:54

@Hairyfriend

I'd be honest and say you'd like to catch up with JUST her, and that you have booked a spa treatment for your both during your 'slot', breakfast, brunch etc.

I'm in a very situation. I moved abroad 18yrs ago, but return to my home country often (pre-covid). I always had to fit around THEIR lives! I have no children, where as they all do, and they were working too.

One friend would always bring her children- even when her DH could mind them for an hour while we caught up. I found it really difficult to talk to her about anything at all and extremely distracting. Years on, she still has no idea about my fertility struggles, IVF and 3 MC's.

I imagine its the same with sitting with your friends WHOLE family! You wouldn't be able to discuss anything personal at all. SHE is being unreasonable to think its normal and not agree to go elsewhere or at the very least, go for a walk or drive together.

Yes, this is EXACTLY what it's like. Sitting and having a cup of tea with her and 7 members of her family. I've been through a messy divorce in that time that she knows absolutely nothing about, beyond that I'm divorced, because she doesn't do phone calls or messaging. Just this, with everyone else present.

I also always feel in the way because they're planning meals or whatever and I need to get out the way long before they eat. Or her Dad is taking the piss out of me about that time he caught us smoking.

It just. It doesn't work. It feels like the friendship isn't actually there. Just a ghost outline of it and it always makes me feel sad and frustrated when I come away.

OP posts:
Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 20:55

[quote SoniaFouler]@anniegetyourgoat
Well I see this point of view myself. It's why I'm asking the question and why I've specifically mentioned how little holiday she gets. I really am not oblivious to this fact, it's why I want to know if AIBU.

I've been going along with it for twenty whole years now. But I'm tired and not feeling up to it on this occasion. Thank you for clarifying that her family come first so I won't be missed.

Shan’t bother replying then next time if you’re just going to be snappy, was just trying to help.[/quote]
I'm sorry if you found my response snappy, that wasn't my intention.

OP posts:
VerveClique · 08/11/2021 21:00

Say you’ll meet her at her parents, if they live rurally then plan a nice walk with a flask of coffee and some packed cake. make it really easy for her.

Say as per the above you’d really like to see her alone, but you will of course day hi to her family briefly while you’re there.

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 21:00

I have just sent Suspiciousmind20 message almost word for word (thank you!). It's 4pm where she is, not sure how able she is to check her phone at work so might not get a reply for a while.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/11/2021 21:07

OP,

I honestly cannot believe you have gone along with this for 20 years.

I think she is extremely presumptuous to give you a slot....for 20 years.

Send a text to meet on your own or definitely leave it go.

Flowers
Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 21:09

Oh, she has actually replied.

"aaaaah, shame school nickname for me would have been great to catch up, such a slackarse (wink emoji). I'll see you when you finally make it over to X US city."

Well I guess that's that then.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 08/11/2021 21:16

So not even a suggestion of going for a walk for one on one time? Very odd!

Tilltheend99 · 08/11/2021 21:17

Sounds a bit like she expects you to do all the work to keep the friendship going op Flowers

She could at least have asked about the hard time you are going through.

BessMarvin · 08/11/2021 21:18

She won't talk on the phone to you or message you, you can only talk to her once a year in front of loads of her family? It doesn't really sound like much of a friendship any more.

She's happy for you to go out there with the sole purpose of seeing her, but she only sees you here at zero inconvenience to herself

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 21:26

To be honest I'm quite hurt by her reply and really relieved I've not put myself through a visit this time.

Not sure who said 2 hours isn't far for people in the US, I don''t consider it far myself my commute is 1 hour each way so it's not like I'm not used to driving and an hour there and back.

My time is important, too. That's MY Sunday morning after a full on week at work to go and feel awkward and weird and surrounded by people I half know.

Whoever said I 'might not' want to travel all the way to the US obviously doesn't understand how difficult that is as a single parent with a term time only job who can only travel in school holidays. I can't afford it these days. I went when I could afford it.

OP posts:
Crunched · 08/11/2021 21:30

Sorry , but she sounds a rather selfish 'friend'. That message was perfect and highlighted your situation. Concentrate on yourself and your real mates. Sometimes we hang on to relationships for nostalgia rather than true affection.

Valeriane · 08/11/2021 21:30

Sounds like quite a lot of resentment on both sides

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 21:31

@Valeriane

Sounds like quite a lot of resentment on both sides
I just feel gutted by her response, to be honest. I think this was why I was afraid of asking her if we could meet alone.

Well, thank you everyone for helping me to ask.

OP posts:
whatwasIgoingtosay · 08/11/2021 21:32

Sadly, it sounds like this friendship has just run its course. You've done well to maintain it for so long over such a long distance, but it seems that there isn't anything left now. Flowers

Original poster
anniegetyourgoat · 08/11/2021 21:33

And actually, I'm going to say more than that re: resentment. I don't 'resent' her. I've played by her rules for 20 years.

I cannot afford to visit her. She is extremely wealthy and owns 2 properties in the US and I do not have the means to fly out there. I don't resent her wealth but I resent her implication that I can just magic up the money to go and see her.

OP posts:
HireStarter · 08/11/2021 21:40

"Friend, can we meet for breakfast somewhere? I'd love to catch up properly and it may be hard with the family around. How about (place near you)? Let me know and I'll book a table"

Honestly, if she's 47 and doesn't get that the family cramp the style then 🤨

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/11/2021 21:42

I think you sound really nice OP and like you've gone out of your way for this friend. She has done absolutely nothing to make it easier for you. Your friend is unreasonable - why can't she suggest a walk or something if it's too far from a cafe. Her family don't sound very nice either. Is it worth continuing the friendship?

Libelula21 · 08/11/2021 21:44

It sounds like it’s been too much of a one way street.
In these pandemic times, a good catch up over Zoom or Skype should be more than possible, anyway.
It seems to me that you have been entirely justified in setting down some kind of boundary, at last.
Difficult one, but well done.