AIBU or would you also find this too much?

[anniegetyourgoat]

I have a very longstanding friend who I have known since 6th form.

She moved to another country in her early 20s and we are still in touch now. I have visited her (US) in total 5 times in that time, specifically for the purpose of flying to see her (apart from on one occasion I took a boyfriend and we saw her for a weekend then had a longer holiday in the rest of the US).

Since having DC I no longer have the money to visit her, we have had one foreign holiday since DC1 was born in 2008. I have visited my friend in the US only once since having children, for a weekend when she got married.

She did also fly to the UK for my wedding (combined with the usual family visits).

Now, every time she comes to the UK she asks me to visit her at her parent's house - they are an hour away and I have always driven to see her whenever she is over. She doesn't get a great deal of holiday but she does have a big family in the UK and is over frequently.

My AIBU is this. When she is over in the UK she asks me to see her and I am usually given a time slot (say 8-11 on a Sunday morning) during which I visit her and her entire family and we sit in her parent''s house surrounded by her family.

I like her family they are nice, I have known them since I was 16 but some of them do have a tendency to tease me as though I am still 16. I am 47 and I find it tiring and overwhelming at times. I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running. And I don't mind doing that.

What I do find difficult is that I get literally ZERO time to catch up with my friend on my own as we are surrounded by her family the whole time and I am expected to slot in with that. We never go out for coffee, for a drink, for dinner, nothing.

She is over in a couple of weeks and I've been issued with my 'slot' an awkward 2 hour slot on a weekend morning which will require a 2 hour round trip to attend.

I have been having a difficult time lately and I don't feel up to socialising with her entire family. I would love to see her, but not like this. We've been doing it this way for years and I feel guilty at the thought of missing out on seeing her. But....if feels too much. AIBU not to go?

You don't spend money flying to another country to see a friend who doesn't know anything about your life. That would be crazy.
I'm glad you've said no.

My God...if she won't make time to see you alone, then she doesn't really value the friendship. She sees you as a pleasant part of her memories. Something she shoves in alongside family.

Tell her no.

I wouldn’t have sent a message like that, as it’s cringey and unnecessary. But you did, and you backed her into a corner, and got a response that you didn’t like. OTT to delete her IMO.

You said she’s over regularly. I don’t see why you just didn’t go and meet her this time. Just said the dates don’t work for you and you’re sorry to miss her. Next time, she could’ve made an effort to meet somewhere else, or you may have felt up to your usual meet-up.

Now it’s a big deal, you’ll delete her number, and you’ll probably both stop speaking to each other, and the friendship dies. Seems extreme

Please dont reply to her awful message @anniegetyourgoat
Hope you're ok

I read through. Sorry you got such a bad response to a really good message. It's rather odd not to be staying for lunch to be honest, I can't imagine my family being so rude either. As you say, perhaps you were being brought in to show you they still function; a photo would show you as much with a lot less effort from you as the witness. Keep your time for yourself, your children and day to day friends until she's ready to put some effort into asking how you are. Sorry to hear about the divorce, it sounds like it was very hard; if you need to talk about it then here works too?

I expected this to be far more dramatic, given the number of posts.

She doesn't care. You don't care. Why are you even pretending to still be friends? Say "Lol, yeah, when I visit the US we'll catch up" and give it up. Honestly, if she valued you as a friend she'd make an hour or two for a coffee while she was in the area. She hasn't bothered.

I think you have it on the nail with your observation of you being a prop for the family stage. I have a very old friend who moved to the other side of the world years ago. Over time, she developed a habit of simply emailing all her friends with a "I will be in this bar at this time, it'd be lovely to see you all". I understand that this is the easiest way for her to catch up with her friends but I stopped going because I didn't know most of the other people invited and hardly got to speak to her.

I'm an immigrant and get very little time back in the UK. Plus I've got several very young children who are almost always with me. I know exactly what it's like to try and squeeze in several years worth of catching up with everyone into a few days. It's bloody hard and I always come back more stressed out than I was when I left.

If a very close friend confided in me in the way that you have in your OP, I would absolutely try my best to find the time for a 1-2-1 meet up. Even if all I could manage was sharing a cup of tea in a Cafe around the corner, or a short walk around the block. I really would try.

I think you should just ask.

The reply sounds like a jokey message. I’d go along with it and reply back along the lines of ‘yep, but next time, let’s have a lunch/night out/ stay over at mine to make up for it’.

I am in the position of your friend. And with the best will in the world, most people don’t understand how difficult it is to maintain transatlantic friendships and family relationships when you’re so far away. The time difference alone makes things complIcated. My UK friends have no idea about some of the problems I’ve had lately, and when I see them, I won’t go into details, because the friendship has evolved. And that’s okay. I don’t expect them to spend time with me for the first time in a couple of years and have to listen to my problems.

Also, when you return to the UK, it can actually be pretty stressful. Jet lag is brutal at the start. Everyone wants a piece of your time, and although it’s lovely to see people, it’s virtually impossible to fit everyone in and someone usually ends up being missed out. If you have to travel around to see people, that reduces the remaining time available to see others. If you don’t have access to transport and are relying on lifts from family members that’s a further complication. You are constantly ‘on’ - folk always ask if you’re enjoying your holiday- it’s great, but it’s not a holiday and it can be exhausting!

Your friend clearly values you if she’s hosted you multiple times in the past and expects to do so again in the future. It would be a shame to let a long friendship slide over something minor.

Was she jealous of you growing up? My thought (before you said you feel as though you’re being asked to witness how far the family has come) is that she has you around as some kind of mascot to take the piss out of and reflect upon how her life could have been had she not been so clever and brave to move away. Perhaps it is both.

I get how hard it is to cram seeing a lot of people in such a short space of time. Dh and I have lived in a few different countries and therefore have been the people, who moved away. When we were childless, we still did pretty much all the running when we went to our respective home countries. The way I am reading this is that she doesn’t have any children. It sounds as though she has had no consideration for the fact you are a parent and a single one now.

I’m shocked that she has never found time to see you 121 and never invited you to eat at her parent’s home. This is terribly rude. I imagine the friendship has lasted this long because you’ve been too kind and are perhaps a bit of a people pleaser. Anyway now you know. You’re an option and someone to entertain her and her family rather than a person in your own right.

She's not your friend.

She's someone you knew a quarter of a century ago, for a few years.

A friend would keep in touch, chat, make time for you. Not act like you don't exist save for your two hour time slot in front of their family what? Once a year?

When you went to visit her, how much time did you spend together? Just the two of you? was she a friend to you on those visits?

It's hard for you I know but you finally know exactly where you stand.

It just. It doesn't work. It feels like the friendship isn't actually there. Just a ghost outline of it and it always makes me feel sad and frustrated when I come away

This is exactly what I was thinking. You can't maintain a friendship if you see each other a couple of times a decade in a room full of other people.

I think if you want to keep up the friendship you will need to chat to her about at least starting having a few phone calls.

It's not really a friendship otherwise, it becomes a bit tokenistic.

I feel for you though, it's really hard when good friends live such a long way away.

I don't understand why you don't message/speak in between visits? It's so easy to keep up communications overseas these days!

Firstly (and I am aware she probably needs to be quite stringent) I would feel being given a 'slot' is rather formal, not friendly. I would expect "can you come spend the day here, have lunch/dinner etc" you'd certainly get a opportunity for a little chat if you were there for the day? It all seems so impersonal, and her response is very blasé (bloody rude actually) totally inflexible. I can't get over them getting the lunch ready and you having to leaveffs that is damn rude!
You've moved the boundaries, she doesn't like that, she's not considered your reasons, she's only read you're not 'fitting in' with her arrangements.
It doesn't sound like you've lost much to be honest, you are certainly NBU!

I voted YABU just because you should be honest with your friend and suggest to grab a coffee just the two of you. If you’ve said that to her clearly and she ignores it, then yes, ditch the event.

Even sitting around with your own extended family if you don't see them much can be awkward in a crowd. In fact discussing much of interest in any crowd memories of crowded staff rooms is pretty boring becuase it is a guarded conversation.

Dsis is abroad and is the opposite when she comes home - exhausts herself visiting everyone, she arranged a get together with 3 old school friends - they sat gossiping and catching up all evening and she was left out

I'm with @Derbee and @BoredZelda here. This is a classic case of only getting one side of the story IMO. Clearly the way you've presented it, she sounds massively unreasonable, but her reply to your message is out of step with your message to her, which is strange.

That combined with the way you have really gone on about this is what makes me think "theres resentment on both sides". I don't think you're alone in feeling frustrated with this friendship. Her actions towards you suggest the feeling is mutual, but it doesn't sound like you feel up to reflecting on things you might have done wrong in your friendship either. You followed unrealistic advice on MN and sent her a very intense message that left her little space for manoeuvre. If she hasn't been texting you, then you have no idea what kind of hard time SHE might be going through. Things are rough for you at the moment, but you wouldn't know whether it might be the same for her.

From her perspective, she has come over from the States. She only has a few days to see people. Her family live rurally which means that once she gets to her home, it's harder for her to get out and about, from your posts it sounds difficult even to walk to a local pub. Her family history is quite fragile.

You sent her a message specifically designed to make a statement and get her probing about you, instead of just saying "such a shame, I can't make it this time:-(", end of story. She has kept this (frail) friendship going for the same reason you have: nostalgia, a sense of duty. But it has always been dependent on two things:

• Her flying out from the States
• You driving to the family home

In terms of effort, it sounds fair. Except now you are saying you dont want to do the second part aka your side of the deal. Thats totally fair enough and friendships die. But judging from how quick you have been to bristle at posters here who havent wholeheartedly backed you on this thread, I dont believe we are getting a true snapshot of both sides of the story here.

Good luck OP.

Suggest you go for a walk with her from the parents’ house? 2 hours drive time to sit for 2 hours with her is a lot of sitting - it’s a good excuse to suggest stretching your legs.

So- you specifically said in your message you are having a tough time and she replies not even acknowledging that and saying that you can go visit her in the US? That;s not a friend. You have done enough.

My DSis lives abroad and it is hard for her when she comes back here- she is expected to parade among family and our parents friends and it leaves little time for some freedom and I know she finds it hard for her to get a break to see her own friends so I can see both sides, but I think you have gone above and beyond.

Enjoy your time with your family.

I think she’s being unfair @anniegetyourgoat. She isn’t bothered to see you I find it hard to believe that all her friends visit at her parents house, and that she doesn’t go out for any one to one catch ups when she’s home. She just doesn’t care really when it comes down to it especially as you told her you’re having a crap time! Sorry op.

It just. It doesn't work. It feels like the friendship isn't actually there. Just a ghost outline of it and it always makes me feel sad and frustrated when I come away.

This was the feeling I got from reading, OP. You are granted an audience to bear witness to the return of the prodigal, to see how successful she is. If she has told you she won’t text or call between visits then there is no friendship there - I spend more time with my dentist than the two of you do with each other! I think it’s time to accept that you know nothing meaningful about each other now and it’s not worth keeping up with this for the sake of nostalgia.

Use that time to do something which makes you feel good about yourself. That’s what she does, after all.

YADNBU - I think she is with her response. I’d have to reply I think! Something like “hardly being a slackarse driving 2 hours to see you lol 🤪 just would have appreciated having a one-on-one chat this time as going through some stuff! Still would have loved to have seen you. Have a great visit over though and safe travels xxx”

I think she likes you but can take or leave.

I wouldn’t be interested in being squeezed in before being cheerfully waved off so they can have lunch or whatever. Awful.

Sorry it turned out this way but at least you won’t waste any more petrol or free time putting yourself out for her.

I’m so disappointed by your friends response - she doesn’t even acknowledge that you said you’re having a hard time and wish you well etc.

Not really a friend….

Sorry if this had already been said and missing the point slightly, but I’m actually really shocked that her family never invite you to eat with them - pretty rude considering that you’ve travelled especially, are a long standing friend etc

@Suspiciousmind20

I would be honest.... ‘Actually, to be honest, I am having a bit of a hard time at the moment and don’t feel up to socialising with a group, even your lovely family. I’d love to see you though and I could do with a good catch up with you. If you are able to, any chance we could meet on our own, may be at X? I know how strapped for time you are and that you want to see family while you are here so if you can’t get out to meet me then I’ll totally understand.’

This is a great response