AIBU or would you also find this too much?

[anniegetyourgoat]

I have a very longstanding friend who I have known since 6th form.

She moved to another country in her early 20s and we are still in touch now. I have visited her (US) in total 5 times in that time, specifically for the purpose of flying to see her (apart from on one occasion I took a boyfriend and we saw her for a weekend then had a longer holiday in the rest of the US).

Since having DC I no longer have the money to visit her, we have had one foreign holiday since DC1 was born in 2008. I have visited my friend in the US only once since having children, for a weekend when she got married.

She did also fly to the UK for my wedding (combined with the usual family visits).

Now, every time she comes to the UK she asks me to visit her at her parent's house - they are an hour away and I have always driven to see her whenever she is over. She doesn't get a great deal of holiday but she does have a big family in the UK and is over frequently.

My AIBU is this. When she is over in the UK she asks me to see her and I am usually given a time slot (say 8-11 on a Sunday morning) during which I visit her and her entire family and we sit in her parent''s house surrounded by her family.

I like her family they are nice, I have known them since I was 16 but some of them do have a tendency to tease me as though I am still 16. I am 47 and I find it tiring and overwhelming at times. I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running. And I don't mind doing that.

What I do find difficult is that I get literally ZERO time to catch up with my friend on my own as we are surrounded by her family the whole time and I am expected to slot in with that. We never go out for coffee, for a drink, for dinner, nothing.

She is over in a couple of weeks and I've been issued with my 'slot' an awkward 2 hour slot on a weekend morning which will require a 2 hour round trip to attend.

I have been having a difficult time lately and I don't feel up to socialising with her entire family. I would love to see her, but not like this. We've been doing it this way for years and I feel guilty at the thought of missing out on seeing her. But....if feels too much. AIBU not to go?

@anniegetyourgoat

Thank you, I have made that suggestion before that we go elsewhere but am always told it 'doesn't fit'. The parents live rurally so it would involve a bit of driving to get anywhere else to be fair.

the same amount of driving you have to do to visit them?

Thanks so much for all the replies, I have really appreciated all of them.

I can see now with the extra information I’ve given this perhaps was too sensitive for an AIBU thread so I really appreciate how kindly so many of you have replied.

That said, I’m glad it’s in AIBU because experiences like I’m going through right now really mess with your head. I find it’s a constant battle to make sure I don’t just disengage from life and hide away, yet at the same time I need to monitor my own personal limits and resources because I can’t afford to get burnt out with extra commitments.

It’s a balancing act and it’s only in the last few years that I’ve begun to put my needs before other people’s, if only to keep myself healthy for my children!

My friend’s response is upsetting but some of you are bang on here, it’s a bit of a re enactment of my own family dynamics. Everyone is fine with me when I’m voiceless and never express needs of my own. The minute I do I’m ousted. And she’s just done the same thing.

I do also think she could have been more sensitive. It’s really, really hard having no family. And especially hard when an old friend expects you to spend part of the festive season with your nose pressed up at the window of their family Christmas (albeit she didn’t know at the time of the prosecco Christmas about the estrangement). But it was hard for to do, I did it for her and felt ‘othered’ in the process.

I can’t do it anymore and I won’t.

Thank you so much for all the insights on this thread I am going to be very busy this afternoon so won’t be able to reply but I really appreciate them.

Thank you also the poster who offered for me to PM them (so sorry I don’t have time right now to scroll back and find your name) I really appreciate that and thank you for the offer I may take you up on it.

Her loss, not yours.

Onwards and upwards, to find worthy people who appreciate you.

I’m overseas in Europe OP but I have a group of lovely WhatsApp friends and so I keep up with what’s going on back in Blighty, having said that I am aware it will be me taking time and cash to see them for various reasons. All I can say is whatsapp and texts are free and if anyone cares that much they will use them. With regard to the states which I know well, it’s a strange culture in some ways and there’s a tendency to enjoy bragging and the ‘arent I doing well’ — hence it’s the only place I’ve ever received round robin Christmas messages from. If someone can’t make time for the odd thoughtful text or WhatsApp, when you are going through a tough time, then they aren’t worth your time. You sound lovely, she I am afraid sounds pretty self centred

I'm sorry it sounds like your friend doesn't deserve you. You sound thoughtful and strong and self aware.

She sounds quite selfish.

Take care of yourself OP.

OP you sound lovely.

She sounds exactly like a relative of mine that moved to the US from the UK. She's selfish, entitled and thinks the world revolves around her when she visits. It's tiresome.

You say your friend doesn't do calls or texts, so are you really missing out on someone that you speak to for an hour or so every few years? I think it's her loss not yours.

I'm so sorry I missed your update. She is a massively SHIT friend and you deserve so much better. So sorry you're dealing with this shit storm and you are so right to put yourself and your own family first. That's the way it should be. I don't think she is good for you. She is part of that 'put up and shut up' dynamic and seems to me that she enjoys being centre stage and having everyone hold court. Fuck that.

I was thinking about this thread, and thought that every so often you get a rude awakening that you are not that high up a friend’s list as you thought you were.

OP, you have visited your friend in the US. You have visited her on her trips home. You have initiated online chats. And she has? You have to ask yourself, if I didn’t get in touch, would she?

I went to visit a friend - well, a best friend really - in her new flat some years ago. She had a (naff) photo frame bearing the legend, “The women in my life”. It had eight slots. I had not made the cut. I went hot and cold with hurt - and embarrassment too - that I had been so oblivious to the fact that I was at best no. 9th friend, and possibly a lot lower!

Since the "slacker" comment has upset you, I'd find it hard not to reply something like :

"The slacker is the one who couldn't be bothered going outside in the garden for a 10-minute private chat Maybe see you next time you're back, for one-on-one time."

Passive-aggressive smiley to match hers. And no mention of going to visit her in the US, but making it clear that next time she's back, you'll only meet if it's private.

Oh gosh yes Dotty, I had a bit of an epiphany when I wasn't invited to my sister's 40th. We still have a cordial relationship but I don't prioritise seeing her any more.

The poster who suggested meeting her at airport and going for coffee before she moves on to family had good idea.

@caringcarer

The poster who suggested meeting her at airport and going for coffee before she moves on to family had good idea.

Except she has a husband and a child.

Thank you everyone.

I'm more reflective than upset now. Ive put her number back in my phone and I can see she's messaged me.

Ive not opened it but can see it's a photo with no text. WhatsApp has saved it my camera roll, it's a photo of her DC.

I'm not going to cut her out of my life but I'm also not going to perform the role she wants me to on this occasion which is to gush over her dc.

Just going to leave the message and stop trying.

Good luck Op - sounds like a good approach.

It's cathartic to break the mould

I think that's a good idea. If you stop putting much effort into the relationship you'll feel much better at the lack of effort on her part.

It may fizzle or it may stay at a lower level of interaction. Either way I think you'll find peace with it.

but I'm also not going to perform the role she wants me to

Good insight Annie :)

& you won't need to cut her out - all you need do is calmly & quietly hold to your boundary - what ever you decide that is - & I reckon this friendship will simply fade away.
Because this 'friend' sounds like she can't conceive of a relationship which doesn't consist of everybody else dancing attendance to her wishes.
Let her & her rude family crack on - you're too good for them.

I can not envisage an old friend visiting one of my dds and not offering them something to eat or to join us for lunch/ dinner depending on the time if the visit.

The apple didn't fall far from the tree re your friend and her family. Selfish.