AIBU or would you also find this too much?

[anniegetyourgoat]

I have a very longstanding friend who I have known since 6th form.

She moved to another country in her early 20s and we are still in touch now. I have visited her (US) in total 5 times in that time, specifically for the purpose of flying to see her (apart from on one occasion I took a boyfriend and we saw her for a weekend then had a longer holiday in the rest of the US).

Since having DC I no longer have the money to visit her, we have had one foreign holiday since DC1 was born in 2008. I have visited my friend in the US only once since having children, for a weekend when she got married.

She did also fly to the UK for my wedding (combined with the usual family visits).

Now, every time she comes to the UK she asks me to visit her at her parent's house - they are an hour away and I have always driven to see her whenever she is over. She doesn't get a great deal of holiday but she does have a big family in the UK and is over frequently.

My AIBU is this. When she is over in the UK she asks me to see her and I am usually given a time slot (say 8-11 on a Sunday morning) during which I visit her and her entire family and we sit in her parent''s house surrounded by her family.

I like her family they are nice, I have known them since I was 16 but some of them do have a tendency to tease me as though I am still 16. I am 47 and I find it tiring and overwhelming at times. I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running. And I don't mind doing that.

What I do find difficult is that I get literally ZERO time to catch up with my friend on my own as we are surrounded by her family the whole time and I am expected to slot in with that. We never go out for coffee, for a drink, for dinner, nothing.

She is over in a couple of weeks and I've been issued with my 'slot' an awkward 2 hour slot on a weekend morning which will require a 2 hour round trip to attend.

I have been having a difficult time lately and I don't feel up to socialising with her entire family. I would love to see her, but not like this. We've been doing it this way for years and I feel guilty at the thought of missing out on seeing her. But....if feels too much. AIBU not to go?

It just. It doesn't work. It feels like the friendship isn't actually there. Just a ghost outline of it and it always makes me feel sad and frustrated when I come away.

Well her reply has confirmed your suspicions OP. I’ve been in similar friendships where if I don’t do all the running and abide by ‘the rules’ there’s no effort put in. It IS hurtful. You deserve better. It’s hard to know why she behaves like this but that’s not your problem and not something you’ll ever really know. Do you have some good friends in your life? If so enjoy them. She is/was not a good friend. 💐

Sorry - should rtft. OP, I’m sorry about your friend but you sound perfectly reasonable and i think you deserve more from your friends than this one has given.

So your message to her said you'd been having a hard time.

You'd think she'd at least ask how you are etc!

Oh @anniegetyourgoat I'm so sorry you got such a hurtful message from your friend. I do think her family are rude for not inviting you to lunch when you visit, and I can quite understand why you don't want to visit her family en masse if you're feeling fragile.

FWIW (and you know your friend's situation so you can judge if this might be true), I think she might be carrying more damage from her childhood than perhaps even she realises, and she's covering up hurt/dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics which make her inconsiderate of you (perhaps even jealous of the stability you had in teenage years that she didn't). I'm also wondering if she's not really allowed out when she's at her parents' but doesn't want to admit it, and that's why her reply doesn't really make sense and comes off a bit cruel. I think you're going to have to distance yourself from her because you need to protect yourself from hurt, but don't shut the door completely. This might not be her fault.

@Honeyroar

I’d almost be tempted to reply “gosh I tell you I’m having a hard time and you call me slacksrse??” But silence is probably the best policy.

Same here, but dignified silence is probably best.

Friendships require effort when lives change and become busier. You made all the effort. She didn't even have the decency to ask if you were okay. That tells you a lot. YANBU.

Your function might well be to witness how well it’s going with her family - but also to show her family how well she has maintained friendships, and how they are not her only support?

It does sound like it has been more for show than sincerity, op.

Sometimes friendships have run their course. Good idea to mute or hide her message so that you don’t reply. Let her make contact if she wants.

she sounds rude and entitled. You didnt loose anything by letting this one go. Toxic friendships no no, You have better people in your life who dont judge you and and warm your heart.... concoentrate on them...

Say you will pick her up at the start of the slot and go for whatever ths appropriate meal is at that time of day.

It sounds as if you are very honoured to be one of the fee people she prioritises to get a slot of her time and if I were you i would hesitate to just not go to see her. Friendship is so very important and by not making the effort you could be signalling that she isn't important to you. Why don't you go to America to see her? Is that an option if you like more one on one time with her.

@billy1966

OP,

I honestly cannot believe you have gone along with this for 20 years.

I think she is extremely presumptuous to give you a slot....for 20 years.

Send a text to meet on your own or definitely leave it go.

This, exactly my thoughts too, 20 years! Definitely time for a change OP.

Few not fee

Ah just filtered to just op and see it has progressed

Not sure the slackarse comment was meant as it has been taken. Tbh it sounds like you don't have or want a true friendship anymore anyway, it sounds like it has become more like an obligation if you don't talk in between these visits.

I sympathise, we had a similar situation with a friend of DHs. They'd been friends before the started school, mothers were friends. DH had supported him with a few things over the years and when he went to live in the US DH took on keeping an eye on his elderly mum. When she was close to dying DH would be at the home every day, we put him up when he got here just after she died. DH drove him round to solicitors/funeral directors etc. A couple of years later he announced he was coming for a visit to europe and could we meet him in Paris!!!

My DH is disabled, our youngest children were primary school age and I was the wage earner/carer so no we couldn't just pop over to Paris for a few days. Time wise, health wise, money wise it wasn't possible.

We had a couple of emails off him after that and haven't heard from him in nearly 20 years. I tell a lie he did contact us once to ask for my help in sorting something out for him about his pension from a previous employer, I ran a payroll so had some knowledge/contacts. That was the last contact.

Friendships fizzle out and I think yours has probably reached that stage. It is hurtful but put it behind you and move on, she isn't a great loss.

@Joystir59

It sounds as if you are very honoured to be one of the fee people she prioritises to get a slot of her time and if I were you i would hesitate to just not go to see her. Friendship is so very important and by not making the effort you could be signalling that she isn't important to you. Why don't you go to America to see her? Is that an option if you like more one on one time with her.

I've explained my financial circumstances and that I can't afford to visit. Why do you make the assumption that holidays in the states are within everybody's budget?

I've also explained that I've flown to see her five times, the last in 2019 for her wedding.

I'm so sorry, I didn't read the whole thread. I have now and my feeling is that she is really missing out by not honouring you! You sound great and I can't imagine not inviting you to eat when you go and visit her. She will miss your friendship. Well done for how you've handled this. Perhaps in time you might write an old fashioned letter to her telling her all about yourself, all the stuff you never get a chance to share with her. Perhaps to actually post to her but perhaps just to process how you feel about a very long standing friendship ending.

@Evilcountspatula

Sorry if this had already been said and missing the point slightly, but I’m actually really shocked that her family never invite you to eat with them - pretty rude considering that you’ve travelled especially, are a long standing friend etc

I don't know what to say about that, I guess she doesn't live there so it's not up to her to invite me to stay.

I do remember one Visit in the afternoon before Christmas when her sister and family arrived and they all cracked the prosecco and I wasn't offered anything. I mean I was driving but it's nice to be offered or to have a soft drink.

That's what I mean about it being awkward it's bloody awkward!

@Hellolittlestar

I voted YABU just because you should be honest with your friend and suggest to grab a coffee just the two of you. If you’ve said that to her clearly and she ignores it, then yes, ditch the event.

Yes I have done this and I've written all about it earlier in the thread.

@deplorabelle

Oh *@anniegetyourgoat* I'm so sorry you got such a hurtful message from your friend. I do think her family are rude for not inviting you to lunch when you visit, and I can quite understand why you don't want to visit her family en masse if you're feeling fragile.

FWIW (and you know your friend's situation so you can judge if this might be true), I think she might be carrying more damage from her childhood than perhaps even she realises, and she's covering up hurt/dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics which make her inconsiderate of you (perhaps even jealous of the stability you had in teenage years that she didn't). I'm also wondering if she's not really allowed out when she's at her parents' but doesn't want to admit it, and that's why her reply doesn't really make sense and comes off a bit cruel. I think you're going to have to distance yourself from her because you need to protect yourself from hurt, but don't shut the door completely. This might not be her fault.

Thank you.

I'm actually estranged from my family, which she knows (though never asks about) so she definitely has the happier family situation, no need to show it off for my benefit.

@lothermand

I don't understand why you don't message/speak in between visits? It's so easy to keep up communications overseas these days!

Firstly (and I am aware she probably needs to be quite stringent) I would feel being given a 'slot' is rather formal, not friendly. I would expect "can you come spend the day here, have lunch/dinner etc" you'd certainly get a opportunity for a little chat if you were there for the day? It all seems so impersonal, and her response is very blasé (bloody rude actually) totally inflexible. I can't get over them getting the lunch ready and you having to leaveffs that is damn rude!
You've moved the boundaries, she doesn't like that, she's not considered your reasons, she's only read you're not 'fitting in' with her arrangements.
It doesn't sound like you've lost much to be honest, you are certainly NBU!

I try to message her she just doesn't reply. If I FaceTime her kids just take over and she has to hang up to see to them.

She had a child about 4 years ago and finds it very hard. I've got 2 children so I do understand!

OP,

I think the friendship drifted into history shared rather than real friendship which can happen with distance.

You sound like you really put yourself out for her.

Don't take it personally, it is a part of life.
People drift through distance.

You out yourself out hugely IMO, far more than I would over 20 years.

Try not to be sad.
Just accept it as an obligation you have ditched.

Mind yourself.
You sound like a really lovely woman.

The intention here isn't to drip feed I just didn't add this information as it's a whole other thread.

I'm having a difficult time currently because I have a case in the criminal justice system. I'm the victim and the other party is a family member who abused me.

It's really, really difficult. I do find it hard travelling back to my childhood village because of the memories it triggers. Last time I saw her (the prosecco Christmas occasion) I wasn't able to speak to her about any of this. I whatsapped her in the end afterwards explaining I don't see my family anymore and why (I basically got thrown out of the family for 'telling').

She replied one line of sympathy and has never brought it up since.

As I said at the start of the thread I feel completely overwhelmed this time by the idea of a visit because I am having a difficult time.

I haven't 'bristled' at anyone but I have been frustrated with the few posters who have either made things up or intimated that I'm lazy for not having the money to fly to the states.

Thank you for all responses they've definitely clarified that it's not worth putting myself through a visit this time.

You're very brave and I'm really sorry that person hurt you. A real friend wouldn't send just one line and leave it at that, you need to focus efforts on friends who put more effort into looking after you.

@Derbee

I wouldn’t have sent a message like that, as it’s cringey and unnecessary. But you did, and you backed her into a corner, and got a response that you didn’t like. OTT to delete her IMO.

You said she’s over regularly. I don’t see why you just didn’t go and meet her this time. Just said the dates don’t work for you and you’re sorry to miss her. Next time, she could’ve made an effort to meet somewhere else, or you may have felt up to your usual meet-up.

Now it’s a big deal, you’ll delete her number, and you’ll probably both stop speaking to each other, and the friendship dies. Seems extreme

The friendship died years ago and it wasn't op's doing

I'm sorry @anniegetyourgoat. You are very brave and it is absolutely the right thing to stay away at this point. There is clearly immense sadness for you there and you very much have to protect yourself.

I just want to say I still think there may (possibly) be happier, better times for this friendship in the long term future, but it would be very much your friend's loss if she ends up pushing you away with her current behaviour.

I hope you have other friends and expert support too as you navigate the court system and reprocess the trauma.

@OffRoadFozzyBear

The reply sounds like a jokey message. I’d go along with it and reply back along the lines of ‘yep, but next time, let’s have a lunch/night out/ stay over at mine to make up for it’.

I am in the position of your friend. And with the best will in the world, most people don’t understand how difficult it is to maintain transatlantic friendships and family relationships when you’re so far away. The time difference alone makes things complIcated. My UK friends have no idea about some of the problems I’ve had lately, and when I see them, I won’t go into details, because the friendship has evolved. And that’s okay. I don’t expect them to spend time with me for the first time in a couple of years and have to listen to my problems.

Also, when you return to the UK, it can actually be pretty stressful. Jet lag is brutal at the start. Everyone wants a piece of your time, and although it’s lovely to see people, it’s virtually impossible to fit everyone in and someone usually ends up being missed out. If you have to travel around to see people, that reduces the remaining time available to see others. If you don’t have access to transport and are relying on lifts from family members that’s a further complication. You are constantly ‘on’ - folk always ask if you’re enjoying your holiday- it’s great, but it’s not a holiday and it can be exhausting!

Your friend clearly values you if she’s hosted you multiple times in the past and expects to do so again in the future. It would be a shame to let a long friendship slide over something minor.

The friend is happy for op to make the expense and effort to go visit her in the country and moved to, not much effort for the friend. The friend is happy for op to make the effort to visit her at her family's home where she'd be anyway regardless, zero effort for the friend. The friend doesn't care op is going through a difficult time. The friend does not clearly value op.