AIBU or would you also find this too much?

[anniegetyourgoat]

I have a very longstanding friend who I have known since 6th form.

She moved to another country in her early 20s and we are still in touch now. I have visited her (US) in total 5 times in that time, specifically for the purpose of flying to see her (apart from on one occasion I took a boyfriend and we saw her for a weekend then had a longer holiday in the rest of the US).

Since having DC I no longer have the money to visit her, we have had one foreign holiday since DC1 was born in 2008. I have visited my friend in the US only once since having children, for a weekend when she got married.

She did also fly to the UK for my wedding (combined with the usual family visits).

Now, every time she comes to the UK she asks me to visit her at her parent's house - they are an hour away and I have always driven to see her whenever she is over. She doesn't get a great deal of holiday but she does have a big family in the UK and is over frequently.

My AIBU is this. When she is over in the UK she asks me to see her and I am usually given a time slot (say 8-11 on a Sunday morning) during which I visit her and her entire family and we sit in her parent''s house surrounded by her family.

I like her family they are nice, I have known them since I was 16 but some of them do have a tendency to tease me as though I am still 16. I am 47 and I find it tiring and overwhelming at times. I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running. And I don't mind doing that.

What I do find difficult is that I get literally ZERO time to catch up with my friend on my own as we are surrounded by her family the whole time and I am expected to slot in with that. We never go out for coffee, for a drink, for dinner, nothing.

She is over in a couple of weeks and I've been issued with my 'slot' an awkward 2 hour slot on a weekend morning which will require a 2 hour round trip to attend.

I have been having a difficult time lately and I don't feel up to socialising with her entire family. I would love to see her, but not like this. We've been doing it this way for years and I feel guilty at the thought of missing out on seeing her. But....if feels too much. AIBU not to go?

Suggest meeting her elsewhere??

As nice as it is to keep these long standing friendships going, maybe it's time to call it a day on visiting. You'd get far more out of a Zoom meeting with her! If you don't feel up to explaining, just tell her that you/DC have an appt you can't miss. It doesn't have to be this hard.

We have a similar issue with my SIL. She can only get back to the U.K. for about 10 days a year and understandably wants to spend all of that time with her elderly parents. She was actually a good friend of mine before she introduced me to her brother and I married him so it would be great to catch up one on one but I totally understand it's not doable. She is actually over for Christmas this year but we won't see her at all as she wants to spend the whole time with her parents at their care home. It's disappointing for us but again, I totally get it. She will hopefully have years to catch up with me, her brother and our D.C.

It's tough OP. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but I can understand how you feel sidelined because you are being sidelined but what else can she do? Be honest with her. Tell her that the suggested time/venue doesn't fit in with your plans that week and suggest an alternative. If she can't make that alternative date, tell her you will miss seeing her and hope you can meet for a proper catch-up soon.

for you @anniegetyourgoat and I hope that you get some closure soon with your case. The prosecco occasion is unspeakably rude - I appreciate it’s not her house but I cannot ever imagine my child/sibling/parent having even a casual acquaintance (never mind an old, long standing friend) in the house without offering up whatever refreshment was being passed around. You are well rid of the lot of them.

@Valeriane

I'm with *@Derbee and @BoredZelda* here. This is a classic case of only getting one side of the story IMO. Clearly the way you've presented it, she sounds massively unreasonable, but her reply to your message is out of step with your message to her, which is strange.

That combined with the way you have really gone on about this is what makes me think "theres resentment on both sides". I don't think you're alone in feeling frustrated with this friendship. Her actions towards you suggest the feeling is mutual, but it doesn't sound like you feel up to reflecting on things you might have done wrong in your friendship either. You followed unrealistic advice on MN and sent her a very intense message that left her little space for manoeuvre. If she hasn't been texting you, then you have no idea what kind of hard time SHE might be going through. Things are rough for you at the moment, but you wouldn't know whether it might be the same for her.

From her perspective, she has come over from the States. She only has a few days to see people. Her family live rurally which means that once she gets to her home, it's harder for her to get out and about, from your posts it sounds difficult even to walk to a local pub. Her family history is quite fragile.

You sent her a message specifically designed to make a statement and get her probing about you, instead of just saying "such a shame, I can't make it this time:-(", end of story. She has kept this (frail) friendship going for the same reason you have: nostalgia, a sense of duty. But it has always been dependent on two things:

• Her flying out from the States
• You driving to the family home

In terms of effort, it sounds fair. Except now you are saying you dont want to do the second part aka your side of the deal. Thats totally fair enough and friendships die. But judging from how quick you have been to bristle at posters here who havent wholeheartedly backed you on this thread, I dont believe we are getting a true snapshot of both sides of the story here.

Good luck OP.

You've decided op is making stuff up so you're going to make stuff up?!

The friendship was actually dependent on
OP flying to the US (her effort, her money)
OP driving to her friend's family house (her effort)
The friend hasn't made any specific effort. She is going about her life doing what she would be doing anyway. So I wouldn't say in terms of effort it sounds fair no.

I think YABU. She prioritises seeing you every time she comes over for a short trip. That's saying something. It's just the nature of international friendships that quality time together is limited.

The friendship was actually dependent on
OP flying to the US (her effort, her money)
OP driving to her friend's family house (her effort)
The friend hasn't made any specific effort. She is going about her life doing what she would be doing anyway. So I wouldn't say in terms of effort it sounds fair no.

Absolutely agree!

It is difficult when you go "home" and friends live nearby (relatively in this case of course). When I visit my mum and dad, who live in the same village as my best friend from school, it's a 5 hour drive for a weekend so I can't really swan off for a day shopping like we used to do. However I will happily go for a couple of hours lunch or similar. The problem is said friend is also busy and will turn up for a coffee with fiancé in tow who I barely know, because that's their weekend too (she works Saturdays). One on one long distance friendships require time off work and money which I can't spare with a toddler. It only works because we really genuinely love each other to bits!

@ChalfontPark

I think YABU. She prioritises seeing you every time she comes over for a short trip. That's saying something. It's just the nature of international friendships that quality time together is limited.

What do you mean by prioritises?

Your friends reply was really shitty but it sounds like to me there is deep rooted resentment on both sides.
Are you quite open in your friendship where you could ask her if there's anything wrong and tell her how you feel? I'm quite open with my friends so I wouldn't be able to leave it. Unless you just don't care about the friendship anymore?
To tell her you're going through a hard time and for her to just ignore it is not being a friend.

I can totally understand by you are hurt by that message. Not even asking if you are ok . Or if there is some other way you could make the visit work.

I too would not reply.

Just say no to her, tell her that she can meet with you elsewhere as you don’t want to go to her family . If she doesn’t agree then she obviously doesn’t care .

I think you l’ve done absolutely right thing. I’m similar to your “friend” in a way that I moved to different country and visit my home town only once a year for a short visit to see my family. I saw one of friends a few times during my visits and it was always at a cafe not at my relative’s place. She knows my relatives really well and there is enough space for us to go a separate room but I just can’t imagine how you can talk and catch up with a friend with your family present. It’s just not natural! I can’t see another friend as she lives in a different place, I phone her usually but only if I’m on my own. Some time ago something happened in my life and I didn’t want to share it with anyone so I just stopped contacting my friends on my visits.
I’m sure all these years your friend could do something: go to another room just with you or outside, meet up somewhere. It feels like she was scared that you could ask her personal questions and she wouldn’t be able to pretend with you alone. She couldn’t say “no” to you openly but was hiding behind her family to have this light conversation no one cared about. And her response to you is very immature. How old she thinks she is? 15?

@anniegetyourgoat

The intention here isn't to drip feed I just didn't add this information as it's a whole other thread.

I'm having a difficult time currently because I have a case in the criminal justice system. I'm the victim and the other party is a family member who abused me.

It's really, really difficult. I do find it hard travelling back to my childhood village because of the memories it triggers. Last time I saw her (the prosecco Christmas occasion) I wasn't able to speak to her about any of this. I whatsapped her in the end afterwards explaining I don't see my family anymore and why (I basically got thrown out of the family for 'telling').

She replied one line of sympathy and has never brought it up since.

As I said at the start of the thread I feel completely overwhelmed this time by the idea of a visit because I am having a difficult time.

I haven't 'bristled' at anyone but I have been frustrated with the few posters who have either made things up or intimated that I'm lazy for not having the money to fly to the states.

Thank you for all responses they've definitely clarified that it's not worth putting myself through a visit this time.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, I read this yesterday and didn't think you were but didn't comment but today I definitely don't. Finances are an issue for you so you can't go visit much-that's fine, you shouldn't have to stretch yourself if it isn't doable. Although you have visited her before. She is also the one that moved. You travel to her and her family to see her-then get treated as a child and get no 1 on 1 time with your friend. That's unusual, having family around changes the dynamics, and she might be short on time but your time is valuable too. It sounds like she's usually over a couple of times a year so I assume an hour for a coffee wouldn't be that hard? She can't be bothered to text/FaceTime/phone. She hasn't been interested in the difficulties in your life She has sent a message back that just basically says she doesn't really care that much. I don't think you're unreasonable, I would write the friendship off.

When I first read this I thought your friend sounded like she was holding court like the Queen. 😆

But reading on, she's just not your friend is she? She doesn't do text messages or phone calls. This is your chance to see her but it's all about her 'look I'm here like a celebrity, come adore me'

Her taking no interest in what had happened to you is just horrible.
I'd be honest and just tell her what's bothering you - the fact she's a self involved narcissist who has no interest in what is happening with you and your life despite you telling her. Though not in that language!

@Valeriane the OP did tell her why she was struggling, this friend knows.

So maybe respond and say you have a lot going on as she knows, you'd would appreciate some support hence the request for a walk and talk?

I'd like to think she will rethink but I'm betting more she just wants to whitewash this so all is sunny and rosy on her body as she hadn't got the depth to get involved the way you would like. 😔

*All is sunny and rosy on her Visit not body!

Ouch. That's hurtful OP. This friendship has run its course.

It's really sad but your friend, for whatever reason, only wants a superficial friendship with you now.

You've handled it absolutely fairly so don't have any doubts about that.

I couldn't factor in even one trip to the States financially unless I gave up 3-4 years' holiday budget to it. Some people just don't get this.

I think this relationship has run its course. I also think this is an opportunity for you to evaluate what you give to friendships and other relationships compared to what you get back. Your friend sounds completely self centred and entitled. You have been doing nearly all the running in this friendships for decades, and she has given very little back. It's taken a long time for you to get to the point where you have enough clarity to challenge the status quo. In your place, I wouldn't contact her again, and I'd make sure that any new friendships I embarked on in the future were more reciprocal.

Oh Lordy.
You messaged her saying you were going through a difficult time and wished to meet on a one to one basis this time.
Her response was to say that you wouldn't meet up this time.

She didn't ask why you were feeling low. She showed no concern for you.

Reminded of the wise words of a Mumsnetter : If someone shows you who they are, believe them.

OP, you sound like you've had a horrible time with your family, and that in many ways you've been groomed to play nice and not rock the boat. And your friendship dates back from the time when you accepted a lot of that treatment without question. Our friendships reflect our self worth at the time we make them.

I came from a dysfunctional narcissistic family and most of the friends I made from that time were also dysfunctional. It's not surprising, given I didn't know any better. Now I would never accept the kind of treatment from them that I accepted as normal back then.

She's not your friend OP. Sorry, but she simply doesn't give a toss about you. I can't imagine not offering support to a friend going through a divorce, let alone a horribly traumatic, historic abuse criminal case.

It's not impossible to keep in touch these days, even with kids and time differences. She just doesn't care and to be honest the more you've said about her and her family, the worse they sound.

Drop her like a hot rock, OP and move on. You deserve much better friends!

That is hard, OP. But at least she has given you a definitive answer: she cannot spare time for you. The fact that she doesn’t message either… it does sound, I’m afraid, as if she has been accommodating you, rather than actively wanting to see you.

Additionally, not inviting you to stay for lunch/whatever is very rude. Shows that you were certainly given a “slot” and were not expected to overrun.

I don’t think she is your friend either. She could prioritise one morning or evening or something to see you for a few hours.
Sitting with her parents isn’t seeing you, it’s fitting you in. She doesn’t have to make a huge effort everything but she should occasionally. The fact you have no contact otherwise speaks volumes.

Seeing people alone is important to friendships. It’s like when you have friends and you only see them as a couple, it’s not the same at all.

I’ve distanced myself from friends where all the effort had to be on my side. I’ve met people at uni in the north (where I now live) and the expectation is I now should travel to see them always (London and south coast) and I won’t now. It’s the same distance/effort both ways.

YANBU to say you cant do it this time. Can you do a zoom with her at some other time to catch up properly - that is what I do with my friend in California.

That is a really shitty reply from her OP. She hasn't even asked about the hard time you mentioned or checked if you are OK.
And the fact she knows about the reasons you are estranged from your familly. I'm afraid its coming across as she just doesn't care.

I understand she is probably pushed for time, but if an old friend had messaged me that I certainly wouldn't be just dismissing them, I'd be sorting out how I can see them. As would most people.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, but I don't think this friend is someone you can rely on or talk to even.

Don't reply to her message. And assume she won't contact you further. if she does and apologises for being an insensitive idiot, then you can take it from there, but I don't think you'll hear from her again.

She sounds rude - and it's not like she is travelling from America just to see you. I'd not like sitting with someone's whole family either