AIBU or would you also find this too much?

[anniegetyourgoat]

I have a very longstanding friend who I have known since 6th form.

She moved to another country in her early 20s and we are still in touch now. I have visited her (US) in total 5 times in that time, specifically for the purpose of flying to see her (apart from on one occasion I took a boyfriend and we saw her for a weekend then had a longer holiday in the rest of the US).

Since having DC I no longer have the money to visit her, we have had one foreign holiday since DC1 was born in 2008. I have visited my friend in the US only once since having children, for a weekend when she got married.

She did also fly to the UK for my wedding (combined with the usual family visits).

Now, every time she comes to the UK she asks me to visit her at her parent's house - they are an hour away and I have always driven to see her whenever she is over. She doesn't get a great deal of holiday but she does have a big family in the UK and is over frequently.

My AIBU is this. When she is over in the UK she asks me to see her and I am usually given a time slot (say 8-11 on a Sunday morning) during which I visit her and her entire family and we sit in her parent''s house surrounded by her family.

I like her family they are nice, I have known them since I was 16 but some of them do have a tendency to tease me as though I am still 16. I am 47 and I find it tiring and overwhelming at times. I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running. And I don't mind doing that.

What I do find difficult is that I get literally ZERO time to catch up with my friend on my own as we are surrounded by her family the whole time and I am expected to slot in with that. We never go out for coffee, for a drink, for dinner, nothing.

She is over in a couple of weeks and I've been issued with my 'slot' an awkward 2 hour slot on a weekend morning which will require a 2 hour round trip to attend.

I have been having a difficult time lately and I don't feel up to socialising with her entire family. I would love to see her, but not like this. We've been doing it this way for years and I feel guilty at the thought of missing out on seeing her. But....if feels too much. AIBU not to go?

Wow, she's a shit friend. You don't need her

Well I can see her side, in that if she's only there for 5 days, so one weekend, she has a lot to fit in with that one weekend. However I don't think sitting around with a load of people is 'connecting'. She could just meet you for a coffee for an hour somewhere. She's literally making no effort whatsoever.

The time slot thing is unbelievably rude. Extremely rude. So you're ok to entertain them all while they prepare lunch but then you must fuck off? Seriously I WOULD NEVER treat a guest like that. That is so awful.

So on balance, I would be hurt too and I probably wouldn't make too much effort in the future. In fact I'd say I'm happy to meet her, but not happy to drive an hour to be treated so badly.

@BrunoJenkins

Her family pick her up from the airport and take her back to it so that wouldn't be an option.

Could you offer to pick her up from the airport and drop her off at her parents house? That'd give you one-on-one time during the drive.

picking her up from the airport could be good, but hasn't she (the friend) got a husband and children who would be there too? Doesn't make for a cosy chat with a car full of flappy ears, negotiating roundabouts and trying to talk over engine /traffic noise.

OP, perhaps just tell her how sorry you are that you can't make those dates at her family home - no details - but you'll catch up next time she visits.

I don’t understand anyone who is giving the OP a hard time. It sounds like she has behaved impeccably throughout, including with the latest text message. OP, you are very sensible to step back from this ‘friendship’ and reset the boundaries in such a quiet, non-confrontational way

OP, don't overthink the 'slackarse' comment. It sounded like a teasing comment to me; perhaps it's a way of gentle ribbing in Americanese.

Also, I have now read on a bit more and seen that you weren't invited to lunch, which is very rude of them. How hard is it to put an extra plate on the table for an old friend. Weird family.

Anyway, you've managed to avoid the trip so well done, and enjoy your weekend off.

Given the very difficult time you are experiencing, it is a blessing you did not just go as usual. Under the best of circumstances her family sounds tiresome and rude. I’m sure it’s a shock but you’ve dodged a bullet.

@BoredZelda

Given you can’t do any of the reasonable suggestions, and you are pissed off with her message which accurately points out you haven’t visited her for a very long time, and you call that “playing her game”, I think it is safe to say the friendship doesn’t mean a whole lot to you and it’s time to move on.

Oh look it's BoredZelda putting the boot in to an upset OP, what a surprise

She sounds selfish, insensitive and rather unpleasant (as do her family). Totally understandable that you feel hurt by her rude message but I hope in time you start to recognise that you are better off without her. You come across as kind, reasonable and thoughtful. Others are much more deserving of your friendship.

What an ignorant bunch of dicks, passing round the Prosecco and preparing meals but not including you, despite you having travelled to them to see her.
Fucking muppets.

@Phobiaphobic

OP, you sound like you've had a horrible time with your family, and that in many ways you've been groomed to play nice and not rock the boat. And your friendship dates back from the time when you accepted a lot of that treatment without question. Our friendships reflect our self worth at the time we make them.

I came from a dysfunctional narcissistic family and most of the friends I made from that time were also dysfunctional. It's not surprising, given I didn't know any better. Now I would never accept the kind of treatment from them that I accepted as normal back then.

Gosh this is the nail on the head thank you so much for this it really helps.

Thanks for all responses I am checking between lessons so intermittent replies!

Yeah I have an ex-friend who would come over to where I live once a year, message me she was here on her last day and what a shame we couldn't catch up.

We were always willing to drive to wherever she was staying. She was happy to catch up if we go home. I got the shits last time and deleted her from my phone and from facebook. Friendship is a two-way street and your friend is parked somewhere a long distance away from that street.

Just give her a time slot for her to be at your house. Word your text like she does!

And also, YANBU.
Time to knock the 20 year get together time slot with family on the head!

You could reply with an equally pointed reply to hers @anniegetyourgoat.
Something like "Listen slackarse, anytime you're visiting, I have to travel to you to be able to see you and catch up. This time, out of all of the times that we've caught up, travelling to you doesn't suit me, so why not get your boney ass down to visit me for a change?"

Then, depending on whether the 'slackarse' comment was some gentle ribbing from her or not, you'll know where you stand. You could throw in a few laughing emojis or whatever at the end.

She really doesn’t sound much of a friend at all. She didn’t even ask how you are!!

Sorry you are having a hard time. I hope you’re court case is not too traumatic for you and the outcome is in your favour.

@BrunoJenkins

Her family pick her up from the airport and take her back to it so that wouldn't be an option.

Could you offer to pick her up from the airport and drop her off at her parents house? That'd give you one-on-one time during the drive.

Except the friend's partner would also be in the car...

@pictish you have put things so much better than me, spot on

Yeah but that message literally said "if you can’t get out to meet me then I’ll totally understand" which isn't the case at all.

I would've sent a very simple message saying is it OK if we go for a walk from yours during the time slot. Is it too late to send that?

To give her the benefit of the doubt (not that she deserves it) but she may have been busy when she got your message and skipped read it. I would reply just with a sad face emoji. It may make her reread your message and see how callous her reply was.

If she's made no attempt to keep the friendship alive in between visits, she's not entitled to make such demands of you, so you were more than reasonable to push back. Her response was really horrible, though. Guess you know now (and she's taken care to ensure she didn't accidentally get lumbered with your troubles in case you decided to forgive her!).

Hopefully, you you can have a good day that day, instead of a stressful commute to and from a miserable "slot".

@driftcompatible

Honestly her reply makes her sound like a bad friend anyway. You said that you're having a bad time and could you meet privately. A decent friend would be concerned and made it work. A great friend would have called you or messaged back immediately asking what's up etc.

Hard time could mean anything from 'my fav tv show ended' to 'I've had a miscarriage' to 'X is dying'. She's not even asked!

Fuck her.

I agree with this.

So sorry Op as she's not a good friend at all and it's sad when you finally realise that the relationship is over. Hope you're ok

@pictish is right, fuck all that, the Prosecco Incident tells you what you need to know. OP, take care of yourself and move on.

I'm really sorry to hear this OP. I don't know why you couldn't have met near her parents' house/gone for a walk away from her annoying relatives.

Anyway you have prompted me to email my long-neglected friend in Australia so thank you for this thread.

@ColinTheKoala

I'm really sorry to hear this OP. I don't know why you couldn't have met near her parents' house/gone for a walk away from her annoying relatives.

Anyway you have prompted me to email my long-neglected friend in Australia so thank you for this thread.

This! It doesn't take much to let stay in touch with faraway friends, but it does take something!

@Phobiaphobic

OP, you sound like you've had a horrible time with your family, and that in many ways you've been groomed to play nice and not rock the boat. And your friendship dates back from the time when you accepted a lot of that treatment without question. Our friendships reflect our self worth at the time we make them.

I came from a dysfunctional narcissistic family and most of the friends I made from that time were also dysfunctional. It's not surprising, given I didn't know any better. Now I would never accept the kind of treatment from them that I accepted as normal back then.

OP, @Phobiaphobic's post is great because it bring the focus back where it needs to be - on you, the hard time you are currently managing, the awful family dynamic behind the cause of that hard time, & how you are going to take best care of yourself going forward.

PP's are getting over-excited about "she said/she said" & focusing on the friendship & who's in the wrong.
The friendship is a dead duck - it's been a dead duck for years, you just hadn't smelled the corpse yet.
Whatever a few PP have invented about mutual motivations, the fact is you would never have seen your friend again had you not done all the running to America or the drive to the curiously inhospitable family home. Yet you still felt she was your good friend ... were still prepared to accept this dynamic ... that's pure People Pleasing, innit?

It's absolutely clear to me where that came from.
But here is your watershed moment.
Our friendships reflect our self worth at the time we make them.
Forget about the friendship, but look at what this final episode of it has taught you. I don't mean jump dwell on it ... but recognise that you likely had the same people-pleasing tendencies around not just the person specifically responsible for your hard time, but your other family members.

This is your chance to put all that behind you. You could view this friendship as the sacrificial lamb which gives you the insight you need - explore how that the dynamic of "humble courtier visits queen bee" is likely similar to some dynamics you engaged with in order to keep yourself 'safe' or 'small' as a youngster, from what happened back then.

It will do you so much good to just step away.
Are you engaging in therapy now?
btw - I understand the specific loneliness of being cut off from family as a punishment for telling the truth about CSA. It is a raw & brutal pain (DARVO - so cool to be labelled a "twisted fantasist" by the perp!!) & you are doing brilliantly just managing to keep you & the kids going day to day right now.
This is all linked, & I so hope you can spend some time exploring how to start looking forward, with a therapist who truly understands CSA & toxic families.

Best wishes as you get through your case, & if you wish to pm me, please feel free