AIBU or would you also find this too much?

[anniegetyourgoat]

I have a very longstanding friend who I have known since 6th form.

She moved to another country in her early 20s and we are still in touch now. I have visited her (US) in total 5 times in that time, specifically for the purpose of flying to see her (apart from on one occasion I took a boyfriend and we saw her for a weekend then had a longer holiday in the rest of the US).

Since having DC I no longer have the money to visit her, we have had one foreign holiday since DC1 was born in 2008. I have visited my friend in the US only once since having children, for a weekend when she got married.

She did also fly to the UK for my wedding (combined with the usual family visits).

Now, every time she comes to the UK she asks me to visit her at her parent's house - they are an hour away and I have always driven to see her whenever she is over. She doesn't get a great deal of holiday but she does have a big family in the UK and is over frequently.

My AIBU is this. When she is over in the UK she asks me to see her and I am usually given a time slot (say 8-11 on a Sunday morning) during which I visit her and her entire family and we sit in her parent''s house surrounded by her family.

I like her family they are nice, I have known them since I was 16 but some of them do have a tendency to tease me as though I am still 16. I am 47 and I find it tiring and overwhelming at times. I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running. And I don't mind doing that.

What I do find difficult is that I get literally ZERO time to catch up with my friend on my own as we are surrounded by her family the whole time and I am expected to slot in with that. We never go out for coffee, for a drink, for dinner, nothing.

She is over in a couple of weeks and I've been issued with my 'slot' an awkward 2 hour slot on a weekend morning which will require a 2 hour round trip to attend.

I have been having a difficult time lately and I don't feel up to socialising with her entire family. I would love to see her, but not like this. We've been doing it this way for years and I feel guilty at the thought of missing out on seeing her. But....if feels too much. AIBU not to go?

Gosh if you sent that message almost word for word and she replied with such a vague message I would be fuming.
Sorry OP but she really doesn't sound like a great friend to me.
You on the other hand sound far too nice.
I think you should give this friendship distance now sadly.
On the plus side.. At least you no longer have to endure those tedious visits.

Given you can’t do any of the reasonable suggestions, and you are pissed off with her message which accurately points out you haven’t visited her for a very long time, and you call that “playing her game”, I think it is safe to say the friendship doesn’t mean a whole lot to you and it’s time to move on.

Wow I was not expecting her reply at all. You text saying you were having a hard time and wanted to see her alone and she just blew you off? That is not what a friend would do.

I'm in her position, in that when I go back to my home country I have to schedule timeslots with everybody I want to see so I can fit them all in, but I always meet my friends individually and try to meet them in a central place that's easy for them to get to. Her response really shocked me.

However, if she doesn't call and doesn't send long messages then maybe this kind of shallow, diluted friendship suits her? It wouldn't suit me, and it doesn't suit you. Sad that she doesn't want to put a little effort into such a long standing friendship. I hope you feel OK annie.

I'm sorry OP - I completely understand why you're devastated by that response. It reads
You: I'm having a hard time
Her: I don't care

Her friend hasn't visited her ever by the sounds of it.

Quite bizarre how anyone could take the friend's side, but actually your username is ringing bells.

@BoredZelda

Given you can’t do any of the reasonable suggestions, and you are pissed off with her message which accurately points out you haven’t visited her for a very long time, and you call that “playing her game”, I think it is safe to say the friendship doesn’t mean a whole lot to you and it’s time to move on.

I visited her in 2019, for her wedding.

Where did you get the 'for a very long time' bit from?

Oh for goodness sake I selected BoredZelda's post to quote what is wrong with this site

Also, BoredZelda, it's not me that relocated to another country. You talk about me not flying internationally as if I should have factored into my future life plans that I should be able to afford international travel to keep her in my life.

She moved to the US. All I did was not move to the US. I haven't built my life and finances around being able to afford visiting this school friend, but despite this when I was young, free and single I felt several times.

I actually find your insinuations that I'm just not trying hard enough rather than acknowledging my financial circumstances extremely classist.

Do you normally speak to people who can't afford international travel in the way you have chosen to speak to me?

I dont think you should feel obligated to visit her out of some sense of loyalty. She makes no effort to keep in touch with you except for inviting to her welcome home party/fanfare every few months. I was going to ask why dont you just talk about personal stuff over the phone or on messenger but if you dont have that sort of friendship anymore then maybe its just a bit one sided.

@anniegetyourgoat

Oh, she has actually replied.

"aaaaah, shame school nickname for me would have been great to catch up, such a slackarse (wink emoji). I'll see you when you finally make it over to X US city."

Well I guess that's that then.

I'd be hurt by this response. No question about how you are and why you're going through a hard time. No offer of support at all.

She doesn't sound like a friend, not a good one anyway.

Personally I wouldn't hang onto it. Friends make you feel good. They lift you up. If she makes you feel bad/uncared for/resentful, then it's just not worth it.

Sounds like a very insensitive reply from your friend OP, what a shame. Hope you are ok.

And @BoredZelda I didn't call it "playing her game' as you've chosen to incorrectly quote me.

I said I've played by her rules.

I'm happy to hear opinions but not misquotes and flippant remarks as if it's as easy as anything for me to chip off to the US without a moment's thought.

Thank you for all posts I am reading and taking them all in.

I don't think there's anywhere to go from here. I'm not going to reply. I guess I'll wait and see if she looks me up next time but I won't be making the journey again.

Honestly her reply makes her sound like a bad friend anyway. You said that you're having a bad time and could you meet privately. A decent friend would be concerned and made it work. A great friend would have called you or messaged back immediately asking what's up etc.

Hard time could mean anything from 'my fav tv show ended' to 'I've had a miscarriage' to 'X is dying'. She's not even asked!

Fuck her.

It sounds like you have been doing more of the running in this friendship OP & have made a lot of effort. Your friend sounds self-absorbed & insensitive. Very poor that she didn’t ask you about how you are. At least you have saved yourself an awkward visit. I would consider whether it’s worth carrying on investing in this friendship. I’ve been in a similar situation & while I haven’t completely lost touch with the friend I make far less effort these days.

Plus you sound lovely & sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time.

Thank you, I'm going to take a big step back.

Sometimes I feel like the family stuff is for show and my function is to witness how wonderful it all is. She was in care for a while before 6th form, her parents really weren't great back then. It's lovely that it's all smoothed over but I'm wondering - now on the basis of that callous message - that I'm there to perform some sort of witness function to their family, to see how far they've come or something.

Either way I don't like it and feel used. So that's that.

OP you sound lovely and I hope you have other decent friends/ rl support x

I said I've played by her rules.

Which is the same thing.

It has clearly run its course.

I’m very sorry. That reply is really harsh and I can see how it’s very disappointing for you to see how casually she decided not to meet up. It sounds very callous from her, she didn’t even ask how you were. I am struck at how much thought you put into going / not going / sending the message, and how casually she replied “ok nevermind”.

It sounds like you have been doing more of the running in this friendship OP & have made a lot of effort.

Yes, how unreasonable of the friend not to want to add a further long drive to her day or two flying from the US, and trying to crowbar in visits from her friends and family.

@BoredZelda

It sounds like you have been doing more of the running in this friendship OP & have made a lot of effort.

Yes, how unreasonable of the friend not to want to add a further long drive to her day or two flying from the US, and trying to crowbar in visits from her friends and family.

You really are being obtuse now. Not ONCE have I suggested she drives to me. Not once.

You seem really overinvested in misrepresenting what I say. Have you thought about why you feel the need to do that?

@EatYourVegetables

I’m very sorry. That reply is really harsh and I can see how it’s very disappointing for you to see how casually she decided not to meet up. It sounds very callous from her, she didn’t even ask how you were. I am struck at how much thought you put into going / not going / sending the message, and how casually she replied “ok nevermind”.

Thank you, it smarts but I think I'll feel better in the long run because it's felt for a while like she's never really bothered and now that she's clarified it I don't have to find childcare and waste half a day on something I'll come away feeling weird about.

I think you might be onto something with what you say about her needing you to witness her success.

I think it says a lot that you don't talk or message in between the true friendship died some time ago and history just kept it ticking along almost out of habit.

I have long distance friends and I see them 1-4 times per year but we message/chat in between maybe not loads but if I know they're having a hard time I would be consciously dropping a message asking if they wanted to chat etc.

Her response is so hurtful