AIBU or would you also find this too much?

[anniegetyourgoat]

I have a very longstanding friend who I have known since 6th form.

She moved to another country in her early 20s and we are still in touch now. I have visited her (US) in total 5 times in that time, specifically for the purpose of flying to see her (apart from on one occasion I took a boyfriend and we saw her for a weekend then had a longer holiday in the rest of the US).

Since having DC I no longer have the money to visit her, we have had one foreign holiday since DC1 was born in 2008. I have visited my friend in the US only once since having children, for a weekend when she got married.

She did also fly to the UK for my wedding (combined with the usual family visits).

Now, every time she comes to the UK she asks me to visit her at her parent's house - they are an hour away and I have always driven to see her whenever she is over. She doesn't get a great deal of holiday but she does have a big family in the UK and is over frequently.

My AIBU is this. When she is over in the UK she asks me to see her and I am usually given a time slot (say 8-11 on a Sunday morning) during which I visit her and her entire family and we sit in her parent''s house surrounded by her family.

I like her family they are nice, I have known them since I was 16 but some of them do have a tendency to tease me as though I am still 16. I am 47 and I find it tiring and overwhelming at times. I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running. And I don't mind doing that.

What I do find difficult is that I get literally ZERO time to catch up with my friend on my own as we are surrounded by her family the whole time and I am expected to slot in with that. We never go out for coffee, for a drink, for dinner, nothing.

She is over in a couple of weeks and I've been issued with my 'slot' an awkward 2 hour slot on a weekend morning which will require a 2 hour round trip to attend.

I have been having a difficult time lately and I don't feel up to socialising with her entire family. I would love to see her, but not like this. We've been doing it this way for years and I feel guilty at the thought of missing out on seeing her. But....if feels too much. AIBU not to go?

Wow, a couple of lines message and she didn't even ask what was up or if you were okay. I would consider that friendship over. TBH it just sounds like you have been going through the motions with it anyway .It doesn't seem to impact your life positively. Delete and move on x

@anniegetyourgoat

Thank you, I'm going to take a big step back.

Sometimes I feel like the family stuff is for show and my function is to witness how wonderful it all is. She was in care for a while before 6th form, her parents really weren't great back then. It's lovely that it's all smoothed over but I'm wondering - now on the basis of that callous message - that I'm there to perform some sort of witness function to their family, to see how far they've come or something.

Either way I don't like it and feel used. So that's that.

Listen, sometimes even the best of friendships fade away or suffer a 'sea change' and not into 'something rich and strange'. Perhaps that's what's happening with your friend. Time will tell.

I had a 'long distance' (1700 miles) BFF of almost 50 years (yes I'm old) and a few years ago I finally realized how one sided our friendship had become. She talked, I listened. She stayed home, I traveled to her. And I realized that just didn't work for me anymore. So I started doing as you did, backing off the travel which for us meant me flying to her for each visit. I also started changing the subject to other than her/what interested her during her phone calls. Once she realized I wasn't going to fly to hers every year and that I wanted to talk about myself too, she gradually just dropped off the radar. I was sorry that such a long standing friendship had fizzled out, but to be honest I don't miss her as much as I thought I would.

Jesus that was a shitty reply from your friend annie I was actually somewhat sympathetic to her travel arrangements as I watched my sister do something similarly hectic for years but after that message my sympathy is entirely with you.

It isn’t that she could find an alternative way of meeting up, given the short duration that was almost excusable, but her inability to even try to empathise with the difficulties you alluded to in your message that shows somewhere along the way her ability to “human” has gone off kilter.

I'd suggest you meet up outside of her family home and grab a cuppa without family. If she says it doesn't fit then say 'oh ok, hopefully we'll have chance to catch up next time you're in the uk'

@RandomMess

I think it says a lot that you don't talk or message in between the true friendship died some time ago and history just kept it ticking along almost out of habit.

I have long distance friends and I see them 1-4 times per year but we message/chat in between maybe not loads but if I know they're having a hard time I would be consciously dropping a message asking if they wanted to chat etc.

Her response is so hurtful

Thank you.

If I'm honest it's the "slackarse" bit that has really fucked me off like, we'd say that about a mutual friend because she was really flaky. But I've never been flaky.

I mean, I know my 5 international visits in 20 years is nowhere near enough by BoredZelda's impeccable standards (but I'm quite proud of my carbon footprint so I won't lose any sleep on that) but I've visited more than anyone outside of her family have.

I have done my best to keep in touch. I really don't appreciate being called slack over it.

I'm going to delete her from my phone just for a bit so I'm not tempted to reply.

@BoredZelda are you actually reading the same thread as the rest of us?!

OP I don’t blame you not wanting to go anymore. It reminds me of a queen holding court.
What happened at the end of your time slot? Did you know to get up and go or were you told your time was up?

AcrossthePond55 thank you for sharing that, it's so interesting. I've had experiences like this with other significant people in my life where I try to reset the boundaries a bit so it's not all me giving and it's ended in some really nasty responses.

I think I've just been a bit head in the sand about this one, didn't fancy a re-run.

I think you did exactly the right thing with your friend, her response is very sad after 50 years :(

[quote PinkiOcelot]@BoredZelda are you actually reading the same thread as the rest of us?!

OP I don’t blame you not wanting to go anymore. It reminds me of a queen holding court.
What happened at the end of your time slot? Did you know to get up and go or were you told your time was up?[/quote]
They'd be making lunch or dinner and I knew I wasn't included so I'd just kind of get up and go when they started laying the table and making 'lunch soon' type noises.

@BoredZelda

It sounds like you have been doing more of the running in this friendship OP & have made a lot of effort.

Yes, how unreasonable of the friend not to want to add a further long drive to her day or two flying from the US, and trying to crowbar in visits from her friends and family.

The 'friend' was the one who decided to move to the US, so the onus is on her to put the effort in to visit people.

You see her as a big part of your life, a ‘top tier’ friend, she sees you as someone she knows and likes but won’t go out her way for OP, I’ve been there. If she is that wealthy in the US, whilst ‘paid’ holiday is poor, plenty of people take unpaid leave if they need more holiday and if she’s that wealthy and you matter that much why not take a bit extra for a few days with you— I’m really sorry but she matters more to you than you do her— and I’ve been there and yes it hurts a lot!!

That message does sound hurtful, no attempt to make any considerations so she can meet up and see how you are. To be honest I'd question how good friends you are; you say she doesn't do calls or texts, and when you do meet in person it's with a large crowd of her family, then you try to ask to catch up alone and it's a no - how well does she actually know you, or what's going on in your life?

I'm sorry OP, but I think you've learned a hard lesson here that she doesn't think as much of you as you do of her.

OP, I have a very similar dynamic with a longstanding friend who moved to a different city and visits once or twice a year. When she visits, I'm given a couple of timeslots and I usually go visit her at her family home which is a long drive for me. The last time I visited it was me, her parents, her sister, her partner and kids and her cousin! Although I was happy to see her, we couldn't really have a good conversation and I felt awkward being the only non-family member present.

Having also been the person who's moved away I know it can be tough to fit people in, especially in a short timeframe. I really appreciated the people who made the effort to come see me but I'd at least go for a walk or something so we could have a private conversation, or my parents would leave us alone and go to a different room. If a friend wanted to have some alone time I definitely wouldn't have responded the way she did. Her response shows a real lack of care and I think you're certainly justified in taking a step back from this friendship now.

Thank you for all the responses, they are really helping.

deathonthenile that sounds so eerily familiar, I'm sorry you've had that experience too! To me it's just not actually 'catching up'.

Sadly - and completely understandably - last time I flew to the US it was for her wedding, her family were all there and I didn't catch up with her there either! That was purely circumstance and I loved the wedding and was happy to be invited.

Maybe this is what friendship is to her these days. She is very much into group socialising, which I'm really not. Maybe it's as simple as we are mismatched these days.

Look, I hate to be so blunt but she doesn't phone or message and when she meets up she has the rest of her family there so you can't speak openly.

Unless you visit there is no friendship really. I would be absolutely fed up of making all of the effort.

I’d almost be tempted to reply “gosh I tell you I’m having a hard time and you call me slacksrse??” But silence is probably the best policy.

It just. It doesn't work. It feels like the friendship isn't actually there. Just a ghost outline of it and it always makes me feel sad and frustrated when I come away.

Bearing this in mind, I wonder how much of your friendship is still there at all and how much of these visits are just habit? A supposed good friend who knows nothing about your divorce because she doesn't do calls or messages and only sees you at the same time as all of her family? That's not a good friend. Does her friendship bring anything to your life? Is it worth the effort? I'd be tempted to pass on the allocated two-hour slot, explaining that you're going through a difficult time, and instead suggest perhaps you can chat on zoom instead. Even someone who doesn't do calls should care enough about their friend to pick that up.

I know my friend is very much of the frame of mind that she has done the leg work in getting to the UK so I should do the rest of the running.

Fine. Except for one thing. She doesn't contact you in advance to check when you are free, does she? She expects you to drop everything and jump when she says jump, so if you want to see her, then you have to fit in with her pre-existing plans.

It would be nice if once in a while she actually tried to fit in with your availability instead, wouldn't it?

I have a family member who also lives in the States, and also expects us to do this when they come over here - can you tell?

It is really strange I coordinate with a few friends (not always the same ones tbh) and then ask around whether people are free and want to meet up.

Always see people on a one to one basis! It's a proper catch up 4-6 days of being a lady what lunches!

They'd be making lunch or dinner and I knew I wasn't included so I'd just kind of get up and go when they started laying the table and making 'lunch soon' type noises

You can see where she gets her manners from!

I'm sorry that someone you thought was a good friend, really isn't. It hurts, a lot.

Hopefully you will feel better for having done this, in the long run.

Why not plan something for that day that you will enjoy. Is there someone you'd like to get to know better? Or someone you can meet up with, with your kids?

I hope other things get better for you soon too 💐

I've been through a messy divorce in that time that she knows absolutely nothing about, beyond that I'm divorced, because she doesn't do phone calls or messaging.

Oh OP that is hurtful. She sounds rather self-absorbed.

It doesn't work. It feels like the friendship isn't actually there. Just a ghost outline of it and it always makes me feel sad and frustrated when I come away.

She doesn't make any effort for you at all. Of course you feel this way.

I'll see you when you finally make it over to X US city.

OUCH

No she won't, because I'm sure that even when you are back in a position to make substantial cash outlays, you won't be wasting money on running after someone so selfish.

Sorry you have been given such a brutal dismissal OP. At least you haven't wasted further time & money on visiting her, or being patronised by her family.

@Valeriane

Sounds like quite a lot of resentment on both sides

What on earth has the "friend" got to resent about OP, @Valeriane?

@BoredZelda

Given you can’t do any of the reasonable suggestions, and you are pissed off with her message which accurately points out you haven’t visited her for a very long time, and you call that “playing her game”, I think it is safe to say the friendship doesn’t mean a whole lot to you and it’s time to move on.

Whereas the friend has not visited OP at all.

OP's done all the running. Friend didn't even bother asking what OP's hard time is about. She's no loss.

Sometimes I feel like the family stuff is for show and my function is to witness how wonderful it all is.

Funnily enough, that was my gut feeling OP.

You are just a prop & audience member.

@BoredZelda

Given you can’t do any of the reasonable suggestions, and you are pissed off with her message which accurately points out you haven’t visited her for a very long time, and you call that “playing her game”, I think it is safe to say the friendship doesn’t mean a whole lot to you and it’s time to move on.

That's not fair. Sounds like the friend has been calling the shots and the op has reached their limit.

Friend could be more flexible - they could go for a walk, or at least sit separately from the family!

Yes, how unreasonable of the friend not to want to add a further long drive to her day or two flying from the US, and trying to crowbar in visits from her friends and family

Where are you getting that from?

OP asked if she could meet up locally to friend's family home, just not actually do the whole sitting-in-your-family routine.
Friend wasn't being asked to make any long drive for OP.