DH watching porn while I’m trying to sleep

[OctopusGame]

Namechanged as don’t want to be linked with past posts.
Bit of backstory…For the last year DH has been falling asleep on the sofa, fine to start with as I was breastfeeding ds and bringing him into bed with us. Ds now sleeps in his own bed all night but dh still sleeps on the sofa. I had a chat with him a few months ago about how this bothers me and I don’t feel like a married couple, since then he’s made more of an effort to come to bed.

Last night we both go up to bed at 10:30, dh showed signs of wanting sex but I told him I was too tired, said our goodnights and turned over to go to sleep. Within 5 minutes I start hearing noises from his phone and realise he’s watching porn. Right next to me! I said to him “Can you not watch that now please” he replied with something about the volume being low, he got up and went downstairs. I eventually dropped off to sleep and woke up this morning to him asleep on the sofa.

He called me on his way to work to ask what the matter was (I was distant with him before he left), I told him I felt hurt after last night and he said he doesn’t feel welcome in his own bed. He’s completely turned it around and made me feel like I’m at fault for him sleeping on the sofa!
I feel disrespected and hurt but I don’t know how to tell him this without him getting defensive and turning it around on me.
WIBU to ask him to turn off the porn?
After all this I actually feel like I don’t want him in bed with me!!

Ffs, co sleeping with a baby is not a nice experience. I've done it for years, it's uncomfy, cold and painful! The husband had it good on the sofa, trust me.

@CtrlU

Whilst I’m not condoning his behaviour I do think you are sounding a little selfish

-you were fine for him to sleep on the sofa for months whilst you were in bed with your DC. I’m not saying this is a bad thing; but did you think how your DH might be feeling being isolated and having an uncomfortable sleep on the sofa alone?

-He initiated sex and you fobbed him off. Again. I get your tired and probably overwhelmed with a young baby; but I can imagine he is feeling quite similar. Also I may be in the minority here but sometimes you have to make time for intimacy and to reconnect.

-He decided to self relief, instead of pester you for sex (which I have read numerous threads on here about partners/ husbands doing this pointing out how wrong it is) and again you seem to be annoyed with him for doing that? So because your not feeling sexy or in the mood for sex; you expect him to feel the same. And clearly if he doesn’t; you think his disgusting?

-You mentioned that you go downstairs to see if he wants to come upstairs but by the time you go down his already asleep and you don’t feel like you should ask him to come up; you expect him to use his initiative and come up when YOU want him to come upstairs, and just ‘know’ what you want?

-YOUR missing him and so your arranging a chat with him to discuss YOUR feelings. But again- what about him? Sure you will talk about your feelings together but again - this chat is happening because YOUR unhappy with the dynamics and distance between each other since the new baby.

Seriously?
I hate to sounds like the bare of bad news but this is all I picked up on reading through your thread.
Sounds like you need to make more of an effort aswell. The problem definitely isn’t all him.

I’m sure the pressures of the new baby is affecting everyone. Husband included. Not just you.

You’re not the first person to say I was being selfish so I’ll take that on board.

I wasn’t fine for him to sleep on the sofa when ds4 was younger, I accepted it was easier for dh to do this. It was his choice alone to start sleeping downstairs.

“He initiated sex and you fobbed him off. Again.”
I don’t say no to sex all that often, we both have healthy sex drives. Occasionally I, or he, will say not tonight. I agree we have to make time for intimacy but there’s no way I’m going to have sex when I don’t want to.

I have no issue with him masturbating. I can’t repeat this enough. I do take issue with the fact he attempted to do it next to me when he knew I was trying to sleep.

I didn’t mention that I go downstairs to see if he wants to come to bed. I said when I’m ready for bed I will wake him from his sofa slumber to see if he wants to come to bed. He always says yes and then falls back to sleep so I leave him there.

And lastly, I’ve not arranged a chat with him to discuss just my feelings. I’ve literally said in this thread that I’ll find out how he feels when we chat. After briefly talking to him yesterday it became clear that there are small issues on both sides that need talking about.

God it's threads like this that make me even more determined to never bother with men again if Dh and I ever split up.

I agree with you OP. I would be disgusted and feel disrespected.

• Whilst I’m not condoning his behaviour I do think you are sounding a little selfish

-you were fine for him to sleep on the sofa for months whilst you were in bed with your DC. I’m not saying this is a bad thing; but did you think how your DH might be feeling being isolated and having an uncomfortable sleep on the sofa alone?

-He initiated sex and you fobbed him off. Again. I get your tired and probably overwhelmed with a young baby; but I can imagine he is feeling quite similar. Also I may be in the minority here but sometimes you have to make time for intimacy and to reconnect.

-He decided to self relief, instead of pester you for sex (which I have read numerous threads on here about partners/ husbands doing this pointing out how wrong it is) and again you seem to be annoyed with him for doing that? So because your not feeling sexy or in the mood for sex; you expect him to feel the same. And clearly if he doesn’t; you think his disgusting?

-You mentioned that you go downstairs to see if he wants to come upstairs but by the time you go down his already asleep and you don’t feel like you should ask him to come up; you expect him to use his initiative and come up when YOU want him to come upstairs, and just ‘know’ what you want?

-YOUR missing him and so your arranging a chat with him to discuss YOUR feelings. But again- what about him? Sure you will talk about your feelings together but again - this chat is happening because YOUR unhappy with the dynamics and distance between each other since the new baby.

Seriously?
I hate to sounds like the bare of bad news but this is all I picked up on reading through your thread.
Sounds like you need to make more of an effort aswell. The problem definitely isn’t all him.

I’m sure the pressures of the new baby is affecting everyone. Husband included. Not just you.*

You don't think watching porn and beating off next to someone who's trying to sleep is a bit gross and rude ?

I'm guessing from your post,and various comments within, that you're a man.

[quote BurntO]@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

All I am hearing is you can wank in your bed no matter who is in it? Because it’s your bed? Curtains open? Children sleeping in it? No one else matters because it’s your bed and you want a wank and that’s final. Lol ok.

No one here wants to control their partners urges or are you deliberately being dim. Enjoy your pick me vibes and being cool [/quote]
Once again you're being ridiculous. But carry on adding absolutely nothing to the thread. You massively missing the point is entertaining if nothing else.

It is not ok for someone to watch porn in the vicinity of anyone else unconsented and it’s not ok to masturbate in the vicinity of anyone else unconsented.

It’s definitely not ok to suggest that there is something wrong with the OP that she may object to either of these things if she rejects sex.

Ffs, co sleeping with a baby is not a nice experience. I've done it for years, it's uncomfy, cold and painful! The husband had it good on the sofa, trust me.

Absolutely agree!! DP got the winning ticket being uninterrupted on the sofa getting a full nights kip.

@CaptSkippy

he said he doesn’t feel welcome in his own bed.

Isn't it the other way around? Porn is at best cheating, but if you watch a few Gail Dines lectures, you'll know what goes on in porn and it's so disrespectful. It's sexualized abused acted out on women's bodies who are paid for the "privilege" of letting men do that to them.

Any porn use would be a huge dealbreaker for me, but next to me while I was trying to sleep. I'd be putting his stuff out on the front lawn.

This would be me too.

Just grim.

@holibobs12

Assuming you're female - I'm really sorry if you think this is normal in a loving relationship. Women aren't just convenient sex partners for our partners/husbands, and it's OK not to want sex at all times.

I do t get this. If she's not interested in sex and he backs off, that's good. The issue is watching porn while she's in bed, not that he masturbates at all

Well yes, that's what I meant - sorry if it wasn't clear! Watching porn and wanking in bed whilst she's trying to sleep is just not normal.