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Original poster

DH watching porn while I’m trying to sleep

135 replies

OctopusGame · 02/11/2021 07:37

Namechanged as don’t want to be linked with past posts.
Bit of backstory…For the last year DH has been falling asleep on the sofa, fine to start with as I was breastfeeding ds and bringing him into bed with us. Ds now sleeps in his own bed all night but dh still sleeps on the sofa. I had a chat with him a few months ago about how this bothers me and I don’t feel like a married couple, since then he’s made more of an effort to come to bed.

Last night we both go up to bed at 10:30, dh showed signs of wanting sex but I told him I was too tired, said our goodnights and turned over to go to sleep. Within 5 minutes I start hearing noises from his phone and realise he’s watching porn. Right next to me! I said to him “Can you not watch that now please” he replied with something about the volume being low, he got up and went downstairs. I eventually dropped off to sleep and woke up this morning to him asleep on the sofa.

He called me on his way to work to ask what the matter was (I was distant with him before he left), I told him I felt hurt after last night and he said he doesn’t feel welcome in his own bed. He’s completely turned it around and made me feel like I’m at fault for him sleeping on the sofa!
I feel disrespected and hurt but I don’t know how to tell him this without him getting defensive and turning it around on me.
WIBU to ask him to turn off the porn?
After all this I actually feel like I don’t want him in bed with me!!

OP posts:
SickAndTiredAgain · 02/11/2021 20:13

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons

Will I get flamed for saying that I take part in NSFW rps in DMs on Twitter? I'd never get any sexual release otherwise.
You probably won’t get flamed. But it’s not remotely relevant.
KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 02/11/2021 20:14

@Tailendofsummer

I think it's ok. Why on earth would someone need permission to do something to their own body? So the next time some man on the bus fancies a wank, that's absolutely fine? Some privacy and dignity is a good idea even in (or especially in) a marriage. I don't sit on the couch trimming my pubic hair.
Don't be ridiculous. You can't compare wanking on a bus to doing it in your own bed Confused
Horst · 02/11/2021 20:14

Yeah what’s the point of that? Agin you can do that not in bed next to your wife/husband. Weird

WonderfulYou · 02/11/2021 20:20

He could be watching porn or Disney it doesn’t matter because if either is waking you up/keeping you awake then YANBU to ask him to turn it off or watch it somewhere else.

I’d not have felt hurt or upset over it I’d just think he was being a bit selfish and not thinking.

SparrowNest · 02/11/2021 20:21

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons I don’t understand the relevance, unless you’re saying you do it in bed next to your husband? Less inconsiderate than watching porn “with the volume low” even if so.

Original poster
OctopusGame · 02/11/2021 20:21

@libertyfarmboots

Some of these responses are wretched.

You can ask that your partner doesn’t watch porn next to you. You can ask your partner to sleep in the same bed as you without him watching porn next to you. You can ask him to sleep in your shared bed without the expectation that you will have sex. You haven’t done anything wrong in any of that.

He has however stopped sleeping in your shared bed; returned only in the expectation of sex; and then watched porn next to you in the bed while you were going to sleep without checking if you were ok with it. When it transpired that you weren’t, he again vacated your shared bed because porn was the preferred option.

There may be a bigger picture with your relationship since you’ve had the baby but he’s a selfish pig.

Starting this thread has made me realise that maybe we have bigger issues that I probably chose to ignore for the last year or two. Nothing that can’t be sorted, I’m sure. We just need to be more open with each other like we were before dc4 came along. We’ve always been a team but have definitely drifted apart lately. I think that’s why last night shocked me so much, he’s never been anything but respectful in that department and our sex life has always been good. Obviously I’m only speaking on behalf of myself and will talk to him tomorrow evening to see how he feels. I know I sound like a pushover but I’m not, I’ve made it perfectly clear to him today that he pushed a boundary and he’s accepted that.
OP posts:
libertyfarmboots · 02/11/2021 20:28

Good luck @OctopusGame and I hope you get the massive apology you’re due (not by text).

holibobs12 · 02/11/2021 20:36

Assuming you're female - I'm really sorry if you think this is normal in a loving relationship. Women aren't just convenient sex partners for our partners/husbands, and it's OK not to want sex at all times.

I do t get this. If she's not interested in sex and he backs off, that's good. The issue is watching porn while she's in bed, not that he masturbates at all

WonderfulYou · 02/11/2021 20:48

I'm surprised by the responses here. DH does this quite regularly, including wanking next to me, and I've never thought it was weird

I’ve never masturbated next to my partner when he was trying to sleep. I’d feel that’s me basically saying he is inadequate to do it for me and doesn’t satisfy me sexually. I hate my partner to think that. I have never had a man do it next to me either and I’d feel the same if he did.

It’s very healthy for both sexes to masturbate but it’s rude to do it when someone is next to wanting to sleep or even watch tv etc.

DogsandDungarees · 02/11/2021 20:55

Love this.

DogsandDungarees · 02/11/2021 20:56

Ignore my last comment! Didn’t quote what I selected.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/11/2021 21:04

I know I sound like a pushover but I’m not, I’ve made it perfectly clear to him today that he pushed a boundary and he’s accepted that.
You don't sound like a pushover, you've had the discussion it showed you things have drifted and your readytosort it.
It's not easy with 4DC.

BurntO · 02/11/2021 21:11

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

Tailendofsummer
I think it's ok. Why on earth would someone need permission to do something to their own body?
So the next time some man on the bus fancies a wank, that's absolutely fine?
Some privacy and dignity is a good idea even in (or especially in) a marriage. I don't sit on the couch trimming my pubic hair.

Don't be ridiculous. You can't compare wanking on a bus to doing it in your own bed

Both include subjecting un consenting individuals to witnessing your sexual activities, or does consent not matter when you marry?

BrilliantBetty · 02/11/2021 21:26

I would hate this.
If DH did this I would feel like my space was being invaded. He is doing a sexual act right beside you when you don't want sexual activity. It's disrespectful.

I would be very put off and be wondering who the fuck he thinks he is to be putting his need for a wank above respect and common curtesy for the person beside him. Who is the mother of his child. Probably got a porn addiction..

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 02/11/2021 21:39

[quote BurntO]@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

Tailendofsummer
I think it's ok. Why on earth would someone need permission to do something to their own body?
So the next time some man on the bus fancies a wank, that's absolutely fine?
Some privacy and dignity is a good idea even in (or especially in) a marriage. I don't sit on the couch trimming my pubic hair.

Don't be ridiculous. You can't compare wanking on a bus to doing it in your own bed

Both include subjecting un consenting individuals to witnessing your sexual activities, or does consent not matter when you marry?[/quote]
Consent to do something sexual to someone else is essential, of course it is!!

But permission to masturbate in your own bed?? That's just ridiculous. You don't get to control your partners sexual urges.

He didn't pester her, he just set about pleasuring himself while she slept. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that imo. Could he have been more discreet? Yes, definitely. But it's hardly the end of the world.

But then I'm not all strung out about porn so.. I know most on MN think it's a dealbreaker and that's their prerogative, but don't try to compare masturbating in your own bed to performing a sexual act in a public place. One is perfectly legal. The other isn't.

Tailendofsummer · 02/11/2021 22:39

Of course consent still matters. The similarity between the bus and the bed is that both scenarios involve someone being an unwilling witness to your sexual activity. The fact you're married to one of them doesn't make it ok.
If it's the bed that confers permission - would you do it in a twin bedded hotel room with a friend awake in another bed?

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 02/11/2021 22:50

@Tailendofsummer

Of course consent still matters. The similarity between the bus and the bed is that both scenarios involve someone being an unwilling witness to your sexual activity. The fact you're married to one of them doesn't make it ok. If it's the bed that confers permission - would you do it in a twin bedded hotel room with a friend awake in another bed?
Once again another ridiculous comparison.
Tailendofsummer · 02/11/2021 22:53

Is that the best response you've got?
It is coming down to, you're my wife so however I act in front of you is ok. You agree with this, most people on this thread do now. I have given no implicit consent to being exposed to someone else's sex acts by getting married.

Concestor · 02/11/2021 23:01

@PollyPepper

I'm surprised by the responses here. DH does this quite regularly, including wanking next to me, and I've never thought it was weird Confused Sad
Ewwww. I don't understand how you can think it's ok, it's so grim.
BurntO · 03/11/2021 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

eeek88 · 03/11/2021 01:02

This is gross.

I’m actually ok with people watching porn involving consenting adults. I think it’s horrible and disgusting and a huge turn-off but each to their own. I understand some people like it so who am I to stop them?

I’m pro wanking, though rarely do it myself, but it’s like picking your nose or shitting: you do it in private.

I’m deeply anti watching anything while someone in the room is trying to sleep.

I’m deeply anti sulking because you didn’t get laid.

His behaviour was disgusting, not so much because of the porn per se but the fact he had to do it in bed while you tried to sleep next to him. Only a porn addict would be able to persuade themselves this is ok.

CtrlU · 03/11/2021 01:19

Whilst I’m not condoning his behaviour I do think you are sounding a little selfish

-you were fine for him to sleep on the sofa for months whilst you were in bed with your DC. I’m not saying this is a bad thing; but did you think how your DH might be feeling being isolated and having an uncomfortable sleep on the sofa alone?

-He initiated sex and you fobbed him off. Again. I get your tired and probably overwhelmed with a young baby; but I can imagine he is feeling quite similar. Also I may be in the minority here but sometimes you have to make time for intimacy and to reconnect.

-He decided to self relief, instead of pester you for sex (which I have read numerous threads on here about partners/ husbands doing this pointing out how wrong it is) and again you seem to be annoyed with him for doing that? So because your not feeling sexy or in the mood for sex; you expect him to feel the same. And clearly if he doesn’t; you think his disgusting?

-You mentioned that you go downstairs to see if he wants to come upstairs but by the time you go down his already asleep and you don’t feel like you should ask him to come up; you expect him to use his initiative and come up when YOU want him to come upstairs, and just ‘know’ what you want?

-YOUR missing him and so your arranging a chat with him to discuss YOUR feelings. But again- what about him? Sure you will talk about your feelings together but again - this chat is happening because YOUR unhappy with the dynamics and distance between each other since the new baby.

Seriously?
I hate to sounds like the bare of bad news but this is all I picked up on reading through your thread.
Sounds like you need to make more of an effort aswell. The problem definitely isn’t all him.

I’m sure the pressures of the new baby is affecting everyone. Husband included. Not just you.

JudgementalCactus · 03/11/2021 05:44

Oh Lord, is it only me who feels the thread has slowly been invaded by the usual buuut-what-about-mens-feelings brigade? Just ignore them @OctopusGame, it's ok for you to have boundaries and demand a little more respect than what he's showed you.

OhDear2200 · 03/11/2021 06:19

I’m horrified that people’s response to this is “what’s your sec life like”

Even if their sex life isn’t great this does not mean that OP has to accept him watching porn and wanking next to her.

Seriously is this where we are at now? That women just accept this shit?

Christ I would rather be single any day!

PhiOmicron · 03/11/2021 06:26

Christ I would rather be single any day!

Me too.

It's not anyone's place to tell OP to leave him. That's not why she posted. But I hope she has taken from the thread reassurance that she is NOT overreacting here and that what he did is not normal or in any way OK.

It is the kind of incident you look back on after a relationship has ended and you are amazed at yourself for having tolerated.