DH watching porn while I’m trying to sleep

[OctopusGame]

Namechanged as don’t want to be linked with past posts.
Bit of backstory…For the last year DH has been falling asleep on the sofa, fine to start with as I was breastfeeding ds and bringing him into bed with us. Ds now sleeps in his own bed all night but dh still sleeps on the sofa. I had a chat with him a few months ago about how this bothers me and I don’t feel like a married couple, since then he’s made more of an effort to come to bed.

Last night we both go up to bed at 10:30, dh showed signs of wanting sex but I told him I was too tired, said our goodnights and turned over to go to sleep. Within 5 minutes I start hearing noises from his phone and realise he’s watching porn. Right next to me! I said to him “Can you not watch that now please” he replied with something about the volume being low, he got up and went downstairs. I eventually dropped off to sleep and woke up this morning to him asleep on the sofa.

He called me on his way to work to ask what the matter was (I was distant with him before he left), I told him I felt hurt after last night and he said he doesn’t feel welcome in his own bed. He’s completely turned it around and made me feel like I’m at fault for him sleeping on the sofa!
I feel disrespected and hurt but I don’t know how to tell him this without him getting defensive and turning it around on me.
WIBU to ask him to turn off the porn?
After all this I actually feel like I don’t want him in bed with me!!

@MargaritaPie

He prefers porn over you.

Divorce.

How do you draw that conclusion? He turned to porn AFTER the OP had turned him down?

OP, I do think it's disrespectful and I wouldn't like it either. I do think it's part of a wider issue around intimacy and the marital bed and you both need to be more open.

Can you talk to him about stuff like this? I don’t just mean sex and porn but generally hard conversations.

In a marriage there are going to be times where you feel you couldn’t be further apart, or that you cannot bridge the gap between you. Being able to calmly talk to each other and listen to each other’s views is very important.

You felt disrespected. I think you need to find out from him what he was thinking at the time.

There’s a pretty good chance he was thinking he’d be chivalrous and take care of his “needs” himself rather than thinking he’d keep you awake with a revenge wank. Both of those thoughts need a bit of re-evaluation but only one is in LTB territory.

YABU. If you don't want to have sex, you can't demand he doesn't sort himself out on his own. Sorry but your attitude sounds quite selfish.

That's really grim!

That is just awful. I honestly wouldn't mind the watching it but next to you? That was just to piss you off really.

Disgusting and would make my vagina seal shut. I don’t go off and have a wank next to my DP if he doesn’t want sex

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods I’d absolutely argue you absolute do need consent and permission to have a wank IMMEDIATELY next to somebody… who thinks that okay?

I'm surprised by the responses here. DH does this quite regularly, including wanking next to me, and I've never thought it was weird

I genuinely dont think this is a big deal at all...
Although this is mumsnet where men that watch porn are vile and grounds for LTB.

[quote BurntO]@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods I’d absolutely argue you absolute do need consent and permission to have a wank IMMEDIATELY next to somebody… who thinks that okay?[/quote]
I think it's ok. Why on earth would someone need permission to do something to their own body?

@GoodnightGrandma

So let him sleep on the sofa then ! What is your sex life like ?

Assuming you're female - I'm really sorry if you think this is normal in a loving relationship. Women aren't just convenient sex partners for our partners/husbands, and it's OK not to want sex at all times.

Nope, wouldn’t tolerate that (neither would my husband).
He has no respect for you.

@LuciesLawyer

YABU. If you don't want to have sex, you can't demand he doesn't sort himself out on his own. Sorry but your attitude sounds quite selfish.

I didn’t demand this. I demanded he doesn’t watch porn, loud enough for me to hear, while I’m trying to sleep next to him. Which part of that is me being selfish?

@Lockheart

It sounds like since your child arrived that you've become increasingly distant from each other. To me the porn in bed next to you (which is disrespectful at best) is a symptom of that, rather than your main problem.

When was the last time you talked properly about your relationship or spent any quality time as a couple?

This

@PollyPepper

I'm surprised by the responses here. DH does this quite regularly, including wanking next to me, and I've never thought it was weird

He genuinely wanks next to you, and you think it's normal?

It really isn't! Mutual masturbation - totally normal, you can watch each other. Alone time masturbation - also normal. Wanking next to your partner who's trying to sleep - inconsiderate at best.

MrsColon

PollyPepper
I'm surprised by the responses here. DH does this quite regularly, including wanking next to me, and I've never thought it was weird confused sad
He genuinely wanks next to you, and you think it's normal? confused

It really isn't! Mutual masturbation - totally normal, you can watch each other. Alone time masturbation - also normal. Wanking next to your partner who's trying to sleep - inconsiderate at best.“

No, it really isn’t.

Sad about the low bar some women seem to set.

I’d be unhappy with the porn, very unhappy, I have issues if my dh wanted to have a wank/watch porn however I would not be happy that he believed doing these things while I was in bed trying by to sleep.

However at the same time, you and your dh need to talk and go through why your marriage is broken down, not just set bit communication and intimacy.

*Not just sex

@PollyPepper

I'm surprised by the responses here. DH does this quite regularly, including wanking next to me, and I've never thought it was weird

How do you feel it about it? I’d genuinely like to hear your side of it.

I think it's ok. Why on earth would someone need permission to do something to their own body?
So the next time some man on the bus fancies a wank, that's absolutely fine?
Some privacy and dignity is a good idea even in (or especially in) a marriage. I don't sit on the couch trimming my pubic hair.

I think you're right to ask him to take it to another room.

It's just not good manners is it? Noisy and a bit disrespectful.

It’s ok for him to wank yes. It’s ok to watch porn yes.

But to do it in bed after your partner has turned down sex and trying to get to sleep no. You go to the bathroom or somewhere else. It’s only acceptable to wank in front or right behind someone’s back with her consent.

The only time my husband has wanked in front of me has been with mutual consent as part of foreplay pretty much not because I said no.

Some of these responses are wretched.

You can ask that your partner doesn’t watch porn next to you. You can ask your partner to sleep in the same bed as you without him watching porn next to you. You can ask him to sleep in your shared bed without the expectation that you will have sex. You haven’t done anything wrong in any of that.

He has however stopped sleeping in your shared bed; returned only in the expectation of sex; and then watched porn next to you in the bed while you were going to sleep without checking if you were ok with it. When it transpired that you weren’t, he again vacated your shared bed because porn was the preferred option.

There may be a bigger picture with your relationship since you’ve had the baby but he’s a selfish pig.

Will I get flamed for saying that I take part in NSFW rps in DMs on Twitter? I'd never get any sexual release otherwise.