Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH watching porn while I’m trying to sleep

135 replies

OctopusGame · 02/11/2021 07:37

Namechanged as don’t want to be linked with past posts.
Bit of backstory…For the last year DH has been falling asleep on the sofa, fine to start with as I was breastfeeding ds and bringing him into bed with us. Ds now sleeps in his own bed all night but dh still sleeps on the sofa. I had a chat with him a few months ago about how this bothers me and I don’t feel like a married couple, since then he’s made more of an effort to come to bed.

Last night we both go up to bed at 10:30, dh showed signs of wanting sex but I told him I was too tired, said our goodnights and turned over to go to sleep. Within 5 minutes I start hearing noises from his phone and realise he’s watching porn. Right next to me! I said to him “Can you not watch that now please” he replied with something about the volume being low, he got up and went downstairs. I eventually dropped off to sleep and woke up this morning to him asleep on the sofa.

He called me on his way to work to ask what the matter was (I was distant with him before he left), I told him I felt hurt after last night and he said he doesn’t feel welcome in his own bed. He’s completely turned it around and made me feel like I’m at fault for him sleeping on the sofa!
I feel disrespected and hurt but I don’t know how to tell him this without him getting defensive and turning it around on me.
WIBU to ask him to turn off the porn?
After all this I actually feel like I don’t want him in bed with me!!

OP posts:
gcgirlsrock · 02/11/2021 09:30

It is massively disrespectful and there is way on earth I could be with a man like that, it made me feel sick just reading your post.

What a disgusting man.

sociallydistained · 02/11/2021 09:30

Disgusting!

hotmeatymilk · 02/11/2021 09:31

I think he'd be more disrespectful by badgering you for sex.
He asked for sex, you said no. He had a wank while watching porn. Yes he did it next to you but so what. Its really not a big deal
Confused It’s a big deal to the OP. And would be to me, too. She was trying to sleep!

Why are the two options “badger wife for sex” or “stealth wank to porn next to her”?

gcgirlsrock · 02/11/2021 09:31

I would kick him out. I couldn’t stand to live with him.

NoYOUbekind · 02/11/2021 09:32

Having a non-consensual porn wank while lying next to your sleeping partner is as boundary pushing as it gets. Eeugh. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking this is OK.

I have huge problems with porn, but even if I didn't I'd still say that.

gcgirlsrock · 02/11/2021 09:33

Put the sofa and porn in the garden and leave him to it.

roarfeckingroarr · 02/11/2021 10:15

That's really really grim OP

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 02/11/2021 11:03

The point is that this is most certainly part of a bigger picture eg that her husband has to have a nightly porn wank. I would bet money on that being the case, it being a growing addiction and OP not knowing the extent of his usage.

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 11:06

@Christmasisnear

I think he'd be more disrespectful by badgering you for sex. He asked for sex, you said no. He had a wank while watching porn. Yes he did it next to you but so what. Its really not a big deal.

The big thing is he doesn't feel like his bed is his. You both need to work on getting him back In to your marital bed.

It’s a big deal to be a twat and disturb your wife when she’s trying to sleep. Never mind having a sulky wank while watching porn while she’s trying to get to sleep.

He could try treating his wife needing sleep with a bit of respect and not acting like a sulky brat and he might find his wife enjoys his company in their bed more.

Some people really do have low standards.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 02/11/2021 11:49

Having a non-consensual porn wank while lying next to your sleeping partner is as boundary pushing as it gets.

I've read some things on MN over the years but this comment is batshit.

Fair enough OP didn't like him watching porn next to her in bed. That's her prerogative. But a 'non consensual porn wank'?? It's a bit extreme to expect someone to ask their partner for their consent to them wanking over porn!! Christ.

gcgirlsrock · 02/11/2021 12:06

Porn addiction leads to erectile dysfunction, lower respect for women and in some cases violence and skewed expectations of sex, intimacy and the female body.

You have a big problem on your hands op.

MargaritaPie · 02/11/2021 12:22

He prefers porn over you.

Divorce.

CaptSkippy · 02/11/2021 12:23

he said he doesn’t feel welcome in his own bed.

Isn't it the other way around? Porn is at best cheating, but if you watch a few Gail Dines lectures, you'll know what goes on in porn and it's so disrespectful. It's sexualized abused acted out on women's bodies who are paid for the "privilege" of letting men do that to them.

Any porn use would be a huge dealbreaker for me, but next to me while I was trying to sleep. I'd be putting his stuff out on the front lawn.

Wavypurple · 02/11/2021 12:24

I know people have differing opinions on this which I respect but if my partner did this I would seriously consider leaving them.

magicstars · 02/11/2021 12:25

Very unpleasant & disrespectful behaviour on his part.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2021 12:28

I would now assume he has a nightly porn wank and that’s why he has been on the sofa and didn’t want to return to the bed. Sounds like he thought he would replace the porn wank with you and when you declined he needed the porn instead!

This entirely

I wouldn’t be happy with him watching any TV in bed when I’m trying to sleep, but watching porn there is another level. Having a wank while lying next to you is just off the scale

girlmom21 · 02/11/2021 12:39

@MargaritaPie

He prefers porn over you.

Divorce.

Well no. He wanted sex with OP and she wasn't up for it. Porn was his second choice.

However, OP this is really pushing the boundaries IMO. I don't have a huge issue with DP watching porn or wanking but doing it in bed next to your partner while they're trying to sleep, after they've made it clear they're not interested in sex, is disgusting.

bloodyhoodedeyes · 02/11/2021 12:41

Basically that was like two fingers up to you for refusing to have sex with him.

So it was either you or a porn wank.. that's where you are inhis brain, the lack of respect is what episode upset me.

Carboncheque · 02/11/2021 12:42

It sounds like you need to reconnect with each other but that you both want to - you want him back in bed and he’s aware that he crossed a line. With 4DC and him working days and you working evenings it’s easy to drift apart and end up as co-parents and housemates rather than a couple. Hopefully this will lead to you having a talk. You obviously miss him - unless you just get really cold feet and that’s why you want him back in bed!

Also, clean the sofa. Thoroughly.

Chasingaftermidnight · 02/11/2021 12:44

Why are the two options “badger wife for sex” or “stealth wank to porn next to her”?

Because some people have incredibly low standards for male behaviour, clearly!

BurntO · 02/11/2021 12:48

I’d be so fucked off. You’re a married couple and the choices he is given you is he either watches porn in bed with you (as you expressed a desire to sleep together) or he sleeps on the sofa so he can watch porn in piece there…? Does he have a clue what a marriage is?

If porn is okay in your relationship then he needs to find an appropriate time to do it. Leaving you to go to bed alone every night so he can do that and then sleep on the sofa isn’t a partnership. Can he not go to the bathroom and then return to bed? I’d still prefer more discretion than that tbh, it leaves a bad rate in my mouth.

BurntO · 02/11/2021 12:52

Do you think it’s acceptable for someone to perform a sex act next to you without being asked first? @KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods I think it would make most women feel uncomfortable. If I had expressed I don’t want to have sex for someone to then start pleasuring themselves immediately next to I’d feel sickened tbh. Husband or not. Boundaries don’t disappear just because they are married

JudgementalCactus · 02/11/2021 12:54

@bloodyhoodedeyes

Basically that was like two fingers up to you for refusing to have sex with him.

So it was either you or a porn wank.. that's where you are inhis brain, the lack of respect is what episode upset me.

Yep, he was being passive aggressive to her and having the last word. "See what I have to resort to because you won't meet my needs?"

It's disgusting disrespectful behaviour and I would not tolerate it

LaikO · 02/11/2021 12:55

YANBU. That's grim.

difficultdayahead · 02/11/2021 12:57

Am I the only one who would find that erotic? Confused