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Original poster

DH watching porn while I’m trying to sleep

135 replies

OctopusGame · 02/11/2021 07:37

Namechanged as don’t want to be linked with past posts.
Bit of backstory…For the last year DH has been falling asleep on the sofa, fine to start with as I was breastfeeding ds and bringing him into bed with us. Ds now sleeps in his own bed all night but dh still sleeps on the sofa. I had a chat with him a few months ago about how this bothers me and I don’t feel like a married couple, since then he’s made more of an effort to come to bed.

Last night we both go up to bed at 10:30, dh showed signs of wanting sex but I told him I was too tired, said our goodnights and turned over to go to sleep. Within 5 minutes I start hearing noises from his phone and realise he’s watching porn. Right next to me! I said to him “Can you not watch that now please” he replied with something about the volume being low, he got up and went downstairs. I eventually dropped off to sleep and woke up this morning to him asleep on the sofa.

He called me on his way to work to ask what the matter was (I was distant with him before he left), I told him I felt hurt after last night and he said he doesn’t feel welcome in his own bed. He’s completely turned it around and made me feel like I’m at fault for him sleeping on the sofa!
I feel disrespected and hurt but I don’t know how to tell him this without him getting defensive and turning it around on me.
WIBU to ask him to turn off the porn?
After all this I actually feel like I don’t want him in bed with me!!

OP posts:
JustLyra · 02/11/2021 13:00

@difficultdayahead

Am I the only one who would find that erotic? Confused
You’d find it erotic that your DH, who mostly chooses to sleep separately from you, had a huffy wanking next to you after you turned down sex as you were tired and trying to sleep?
JudgementalCactus · 02/11/2021 13:01

@difficultdayahead

Am I the only one who would find that erotic? Confused
When you'd just turned down sex? Yes, you would be the only one.
girlmom21 · 02/11/2021 13:02

@difficultdayahead

Am I the only one who would find that erotic? Confused
Yep. I could kind of understand it if you regularly involved porn in your sex life, but she'd just told him she didn't want sex.
BringMeTea · 02/11/2021 13:02

Fuck me that's grim OP. I would not be able to accept that. Dealbreaker. Hope he gets it and stops.

JudgementalCactus · 02/11/2021 13:03

@difficultdayahead

Am I the only one who would find that erotic? Confused
Desperate pick-me signaling much? Confused
Original poster
OctopusGame · 02/11/2021 13:04

@Carboncheque

It sounds like you need to reconnect with each other but that you both want to - you want him back in bed and he’s aware that he crossed a line. With 4DC and him working days and you working evenings it’s easy to drift apart and end up as co-parents and housemates rather than a couple. Hopefully this will lead to you having a talk. You obviously miss him - unless you just get really cold feet and that’s why you want him back in bed!

Also, clean the sofa. Thoroughly.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. I do miss him and we have drifted apart in the last year or so. Eldest dc is 15 and youngest is almost 2 so life is busy. I’m not going to kick him out over one mistake after 16 years and 4dc. We’ve spoken and agreed to have a talk tomorrow night. I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. Thanks.
OP posts:
Santastuckincustoms · 02/11/2021 13:05

I'd say he's been watching porn every night and now can't do without it.

Original poster
OctopusGame · 02/11/2021 13:09

@Santastuckincustoms

I'd say he's been watching porn every night and now can't do without it.
I honestly don’t think he has. I’m possibly being naive. Most nights he falls asleep on the sofa and I go up to bed. He’s certainly not watching porn before he falls asleep on the sofa. I’ve given up trying to wake him, he just dozes off again. I know he watches it sometimes when I’m working. I genuinely don’t think he’s addicted to it. It’s never been an issue in our relationship before last night.
OP posts:
Original poster
OctopusGame · 02/11/2021 13:12

@difficultdayahead

Am I the only one who would find that erotic? Confused
I hope this isn’t what he thought he would achieve! It definitely didn’t have that affect on me.
OP posts:
Ugzbugz · 02/11/2021 13:18

Gross, would be totally put off him for good.

ChatterMonkey · 02/11/2021 13:18

Its strange that he falls asleep on the sofa before you actually go up, but you leave him sleeping on the sofa? My dp has a habit of dosing off on the sofa, but when we go up to bed I wake him up, and make sure he comes up to bed. Mainly as he would get a sore back from sleeping all night on the sofa...

The watching porn and wanking next to you is grim though, he could at least make sure you are soundly asleep and turn the sound off if he is desperate to... It seems like an agressive/dominating deliberate gesture to do it with the sound on, while knowing you were still awake.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/11/2021 13:20

He has developed a self soothing habit on the couch.
Does he think he is 16 again.
I wouldn't be happy with that either.

Sparklfairy · 02/11/2021 13:20

"I'm sorry if I was out of order"

What a non-apology Hmm there's no IF about it. Ffs go to the bathroom if you're that desperate to wank. Its the height of disrespect and bloody minded laziness to fire up porn next to you because you knocked him back. Its vile.

5zeds · 02/11/2021 13:23

Turn off the WiFi and engage with your lives.

SickAndTiredAgain · 02/11/2021 13:26

He asked for sex, you said no. He had a wank while watching porn. Yes he did it next to you but so what. Its really not a big deal.

Even if there was no porn involved, I’d have an issue with this. No problem with masturbation, but I wouldn’t do it in bed next to DH after he said no to sex, and I wouldn’t expect him to either.

Notajogger · 02/11/2021 13:27

That is grim. I couldn't be doing with that. To watch anything is rude enough while you're trying to sleep, to watch porn though is just disgusting!

PhiOmicron · 02/11/2021 13:27

I'd find that revolting. It's actually weird that he'd think it was ok. Presumably he doesn't watch porn in front of his boss or his children? So what are you, furniture?

endofagain · 02/11/2021 13:29

That is revolting and disrespectful.

Original poster
OctopusGame · 02/11/2021 13:29

@ChatterMonkey

Its strange that he falls asleep on the sofa before you actually go up, but you leave him sleeping on the sofa? My dp has a habit of dosing off on the sofa, but when we go up to bed I wake him up, and make sure he comes up to bed. Mainly as he would get a sore back from sleeping all night on the sofa...

The watching porn and wanking next to you is grim though, he could at least make sure you are soundly asleep and turn the sound off if he is desperate to... It seems like an agressive/dominating deliberate gesture to do it with the sound on, while knowing you were still awake.

I gave up trying to wake him a few months ago. I think he’s fully awake, I go up and he falls back to sleep. I’m not then going to go back down again. And why should I keep trying to wake him anyway? Yes I want him to come to bed but the effort should come from him, not me. Funnily enough, he suffers with a bad back when he sleeps in bed because he’s so used to the sofa. It used to be the other way round. He claims he wants to come to bed and can’t help falling asleep, he says he tries to stay awake so that we can watch a bit of tv together or whatever but ends up dropping off. I agree, the watching porn next to me is grim. I’m certain it won’t happen again.
OP posts:
KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 02/11/2021 13:52

@BurntO

Do you think it’s acceptable for someone to perform a sex act next to you without being asked first? *@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods* I think it would make most women feel uncomfortable. If I had expressed I don’t want to have sex for someone to then start pleasuring themselves immediately next to I’d feel sickened tbh. Husband or not. Boundaries don’t disappear just because they are married
Wouldn't bother me at all. He wanted sex, OP wasn't in the mood which is fine. It's also fine that he decided to pleasure himself and he doesn't need anyone's consent or permission to do that. What a weird way to live.
Original poster
OctopusGame · 02/11/2021 13:56

Fine that he wants to pleasure himself after I’d said no to sex but to blatantly do it next to me and put porn on when he knows I’m trying to sleep. Not acceptable.
He doesn’t need my permission but it’s more about respect than anything else. He made me feel like shit.

OP posts:
LittleButton · 02/11/2021 13:58

I had a similar experience with my now ex boyfriend.

He would stay up all night ( claiming insomnia) lay in bed next to me, watching porn and masturbating regularly. It made me feel sick as I could hear it, feel him shaking the bed combined with the heavy breathing. He would also do it anytime he went for a bath would take his laptop and be in a bath for 2 hours lounging watching porn and wanking!

Bear in mind we were going through a rough patch but still had sex, maybe not as often but the whole thing put me off! Not so much the watching porn but the need to do it next to me sleeping or lying for hours in the bath! 🤢

I brought it up and he tried to deny it and then tell me it's completely "normal " to do that?!

He stepped it up to one night having sex in his sons bed after having a group of friends round for a get together ( son was away at grandparents also 3 years ago well before covid)

Needless to say I ended things, I couldn't play along and pretend after him sleeping with another woman in the next bedroom while I was asleep ( he had the brass neck to get back into bed beside me, wiped his period blood stained hands all over the bedding and acted as though he cut his hand during the night in his sleep. I found his underwear & socks in his sons bed and staining) I had just cleaned the bedding so it was fresh for his son coming home!

Nobody needs to put up with that

VestaTilley · 02/11/2021 14:00

That is vile. YANBU.

I wouldn’t put up with a man watching pornography at all - it’s exploitative, misogynistic and degrading - but to do it next to you is especially horrible.

I couldn’t be married to a man like that.

BrilloPaddy · 02/11/2021 14:11

That's a very serious level of disrespect.

And I'd say he's got a fair level of dependence on it.

Something that you both need a serious talk about, by the sound of it.

Carboncheque · 02/11/2021 14:26

’I wouldn’t put up with a man watching pornography at all’

I agree with you but that’s not the OP’s view. We all have our own boundaries and hers are to not watch it in front of her. She’s made that clear to her DH.