DH watching porn while I’m trying to sleep

[OctopusGame]

Namechanged as don’t want to be linked with past posts.
Bit of backstory…For the last year DH has been falling asleep on the sofa, fine to start with as I was breastfeeding ds and bringing him into bed with us. Ds now sleeps in his own bed all night but dh still sleeps on the sofa. I had a chat with him a few months ago about how this bothers me and I don’t feel like a married couple, since then he’s made more of an effort to come to bed.

Last night we both go up to bed at 10:30, dh showed signs of wanting sex but I told him I was too tired, said our goodnights and turned over to go to sleep. Within 5 minutes I start hearing noises from his phone and realise he’s watching porn. Right next to me! I said to him “Can you not watch that now please” he replied with something about the volume being low, he got up and went downstairs. I eventually dropped off to sleep and woke up this morning to him asleep on the sofa.

He called me on his way to work to ask what the matter was (I was distant with him before he left), I told him I felt hurt after last night and he said he doesn’t feel welcome in his own bed. He’s completely turned it around and made me feel like I’m at fault for him sleeping on the sofa!
I feel disrespected and hurt but I don’t know how to tell him this without him getting defensive and turning it around on me.
WIBU to ask him to turn off the porn?
After all this I actually feel like I don’t want him in bed with me!!

People will probably come in and tell you they're fine with it but it would bother me, I mean people wank yes but I'm sure one night not wanking wouldn't have killed him.

So let him sleep on the sofa then !
What is your sex life like ?

@ohtwatbollocks

People will probably come in and tell you they're fine with it but it would bother me, I mean people wank yes but I'm sure one night not wanking wouldn't have killed him.

I know he watches porn when I’m at work, I work a few evenings a week. I haven’t got a huge issue with this but to do it next to me, in bed, while I’m trying to sleep just didn’t sit right with me.

That’s grim.

Absolutely call him out on turning it back on you, because he did that on purpose to deflect from the grossness of watching porn (and presumably having a wank) right there beside you.

I've got the ick just reading that.

@GoodnightGrandma

So let him sleep on the sofa then ! What is your sex life like ?

Our sex life is fairly good, a couple of times a week. Sometimes we have lulls but we both work long hours and have 4 dc.

It sounds like since your child arrived that you've become increasingly distant from each other. To me the porn in bed next to you (which is disrespectful at best) is a symptom of that, rather than your main problem.

When was the last time you talked properly about your relationship or spent any quality time as a couple?

Tell him to put the sound on mute or wear some earphones, your sleep won't be disturbed then.

Errgh that’s disgusting. He really doesn’t give a shit does he.

Even if it were random TV, not porn, it’s rude to do it in bed when you’re trying to sleep! Watching porn is next-level ick.

Tell him he’s not welcome in his bed if he wants to watch porn on his phone there while you’re sleeping, it’s rude and gross and disruptive. Every time he tries to turn it around on you, turn it back to this: stay calm and repeat, “I understand that, but right now we’re talking about you watching porn while I’m trying to sleep, which makes me feel disrespected.”

@Lockheart

It sounds like since your child arrived that you've become increasingly distant from each other. To me the porn in bed next to you (which is disrespectful at best) is a symptom of that, rather than your main problem.

When was the last time you talked properly about your relationship or spent any quality time as a couple?

I honestly can’t remember. We’re always saying we need to make more of an effort with each other but never seem to get round to it. Something to work on, thank you.

Tbh even if he’d been watching something not-porn it’s ridiculously rude and disrespectful to have anything on when someone is trying to get to sleep next you.

Do you think he watches porn every night on the sofa? Was he planning on having a walk next to you as you didn't want sex?

Wank not walk

I would now assume he has a nightly porn wank and that’s why he has been on the sofa and didn’t want to return to the bed. Sounds like he thought he would replace the porn wank with you and when you declined he needed the porn instead!

Bleurgh

I think porn aside maybe he’s feeling annoyed he’s effectively been told to come to bed with you, when you don’t want sex and just want to sleep so he doesn’t see why he can’t just stay downstairs and do his own thing?

Dh and I never go to bed together. We’ve been married 15 years. I like having the bedroom to myself and I fall asleep better. He likes to stay up late watching crap on tv and falls asleep in front of the tv. Doesn’t impact our sex life as we don’t really have sex in bed much anyway- tends to be in the living room late evening as the dc are light sleepers! (To be honest we don’t have sex all that much anyway, both too tired)!

I would now assume he has a nightly porn wank and that’s why he has been on the sofa and didn’t want to return to the bed. Sounds like he thought he would replace the porn wank with you and when you declined he needed the porn instead!

My thoughts exactly. Yuck.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I would now assume he has a nightly porn wank and that’s why he has been on the sofa and didn’t want to return to the bed. Sounds like he thought he would replace the porn wank with you and when you declined he needed the porn instead!

Bleurgh

Yeah I reckon that’s what’s going on. I couldn’t get worked up about it though, I’d just let him stay downstairs and wank…!

@hassletassle

Do you think he watches porn every night on the sofa? Was he planning on having a walk next to you as you didn't want sex?

He possibly watches it when I’m at work 3 evenings a week. I can’t say for sure about the other nights, he definitely doesn’t watch it on the few nights he comes up to bed. I’d assume that he was planning to wank next to me (not envy) but I haven’t asked him. I’d prefer not to ask him.

He generally is a very good man, an excellent dad to our children. He works hard to provide for us, can be loving, caring and we live a quiet life. He has a hobby that gives him a break from home life every now and then.
It’s just the sleeping on the sofa that bothers me and, obviously, the porn next to me.
He’s now text me saying “I’m sorry if I was out of order”.

We don’t always go to bed at the same time. If I’d have gone up and he came up 20 minutes later, I’d be none the wiser and it would be fine! Even if, after I said no, he went back down and then returned to bed. I wouldn’t have got worked up about that. But to do it in bed, while I’m trying to sleep….not on.

Was he actually beating off next to you whilst watching porn or just watching porn?

Both are very disrespectful but one more so

@traka

Was he actually beating off next to you whilst watching porn or just watching porn?

Both are very disrespectful but one more so

He didn’t have chance to go any further as I heard his phone within minutes.

I think you just need to talk about what's acceptable and what's not and be respectful of each other.

Whatever he does on his own, watching porn while you are lying next to him is incredibly disrespectful. Almost as if he did it to spite you for not being on the mood.

I think he'd be more disrespectful by badgering you for sex.
He asked for sex, you said no. He had a wank while watching porn. Yes he did it next to you but so what. Its really not a big deal.

The big thing is he doesn't feel like his bed is his. You both need to work on getting him back In to your marital bed.