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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask about the life experiences of unattractive women

210 replies

Iamnotattractive · 27/10/2021 22:02

Was impressed by the recent thread about pretty privilege, and stories there. Was so different to my experience, it sounded like a different planet.

So, I am an unattractive woman, and have been all my life. No obvious single disfigurement, I just look weird, overall badly put together.

I've been asked out only twice in my life (once at 17, once at 27) - had children with the second guy, despite having serious misgivings, but he was really the only option (it did not last). Men never notice I even exist - even the ones I work with for a year or so struggle to recall my name (I don't mean the immediate team members, but someone further out). I remember all the compliments I was given in my life, as the total number is under 10 . If a guy offered to buy me a drink or offered to carry something heavy for me, my first thought would be that they have some criminal intentions - hypothetically, of course, it never happened in reality.

On the positive side, I have never experienced any inappropriate sexual attention or harassment. I don't also have to worry about losing my looks as I age - if nothing helped me at 16, nothing will help me at almost 40.

So wanted to ask other unattractive women, how does life look for you? Similar to mine?

OP posts:

3scape · 27/10/2021 22:13

I am unattractive but I have experienced avariety of sexual harassment and harrassment.

Sexual harrassment is after all about power and putting down women rather than sexual appeal. Daring to be in the world and not attractive as a female a lot of men and women take exception to with me. I "should" make an effort and other such shit from my parents and some older relatives.
Please don't think sexual harrassment is part of being attractive - it's getting close to saying making an effort is then somehow asking for it.

I don't owe anyone looking a certain way. But it's taken a lot of pain, street humiliation and akward conversation s to accept how I look isn't to anyone's taste.

SuPerDoPer · 27/10/2021 22:15

I guess I'm a bit similar. Not unattractive really but always struggled with my weight so have felt pretty invisible most of my life. I probably found that difficult in my teen years but I'm very happy now. I have two kids and am now happily single and plan to remain so. I also give off a "don't approach me vibe" generally and have never encouraged the opposite sex. I deliberately wear old clothes, no make up etc. I realise now that what I struggled with in my teens was not feeling like everyone else and preferring to be left alone, rather than not bring attractive (although that was the case). I felt like I needed to go through the motions I guess. I'm very pleased that I have my children and a good relationship with my ex so no complaints about how my life has turned out. I feel quite sorry for people who worry about fashion, make up, diets and dating and aren't comfortable to just "be".

Original poster

Iamnotattractive · 27/10/2021 22:16

Please don't think sexual harrassment is part of being attractive - it's getting close to saying making an effort is then somehow asking for it.
No, absolutely not what I implied. Was just sharing my own experiences.

OP posts:

MrsWooster · 27/10/2021 22:17

It feels like being a very slightly different species, to be honest. Lots of overlaps with normal people but different.

NotPersephone · 27/10/2021 22:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

bestcattoyintheworld · 27/10/2021 22:17

I've been shouted at and abused in the street. People assume I'm stupid and treat me dismissively. I'd definitely say the way I look puts me at the bottom of the pile, but I'm not really bothered. I like being invisible.

XenoBitch · 27/10/2021 22:18

Sexual harrassment is after all about power and putting down women rather than sexual appeal

This, absolutely! I am horrendous. My face is asymmetrical, and I have had total strangers in the street feel the need to tell me how ugly I am. But I have had male colleagues aggressively try to grab my boobs when no one was looking.

Walktothewall · 27/10/2021 22:18

Same here op. It’s amazing how being unattractive gives you a cloak of invisibility

Never had a proper partner until age 39 (now married with DC), virgin until 32, never asked out on a date ever, very rare to get a compliment on my appearance and always overlooked at work.

I lost weight and went from a size 20 to a size 8-10 and was still invisible. I went to the work Christmas party the year I lost all the weight in a size 10 dress and didn’t get a single compliment yet all the women around me were oohing and aahhing over each other’s dresses- I have to say I’ve never forgotten how shit I felt. I tried so hard to look nice for the first time in my new slim self and failed miserably. I know you mustn’t base your self-worth on what others think but it hurt anyway. Having self-confidence is very difficult at times.

On the positive side I have also never experienced sexual harassment of any sort.

Original poster

Iamnotattractive · 27/10/2021 22:24

@XenoBitch

Sexual harrassment is after all about power and putting down women rather than sexual appeal

I absolutely did not want it to come out like that, was a bad phrasing on my side. On the other thread about experiences of pretty women, sexual harassment was mentioned as a many-times-a-day occurrence, with completely unfamiliar men trying to touch / grope / wolf whistle etc. I was just trying to say that it is not something that I had even to ever consider in my life, and now feel grateful for it.

OP posts:

Cervicalflop · 27/10/2021 22:25

I'm a very unattractive plain jane. I remember at university guys would talk to me but it was always to ask if one of my numerous attractive friends was single. Nobody was ever interested in me and I had very low self esteem.

I used to try the whole doing my hair and make up thing as I was always so self conscious about my looks but I'm nearly 40 now and for the last ten years I've come to accept myself as I am, its quite liberating.
I have a partner and children, they don't know how I feel about myself. Having been through those emotions I am very careful to teach my children about self worth and liking themselves for who they are.

Original poster

Iamnotattractive · 27/10/2021 22:26

And yes, as a couple of PPs I also had people on the street telling me how ugly I am. Mainly groups of young men. I could never understand what they get out of it.

OP posts:

MushMonster · 27/10/2021 22:26

I am not sure I would prefer to be pretty to be honest. Few attentions thrown my way, but almost 100% success! I am on my second marriage, and very happy.
Harrassment, yes, unfortunatelly it happens.
At work, and life in general, I was picked on when I was young, but once I got my confidence and stood my ground, I found that I would get help when needed, and be treated quite the same, at work, queues, venues. I never had a drink bought by an stranger, but I would never ever want that. And I do not like chatting to strangers, though I am getting better at it with age, that used to be the definition of torture for my young self.
In all, being unattractive or plain is not that bad. What you really need is confidence being yourself, and being comfortable in your shoes. That is what does the trick.

DDUW · 27/10/2021 22:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Ahhbiscuits · 27/10/2021 22:29

Do you have a link to the other thread OP please? I’ve not seen it but as a person that feels like they wear a cloak of invisibility, I’d be really interested to read others experiences on being attractive and the differences it brings!

MushMonster · 27/10/2021 22:30

DDUW, you were surrounded by the wrong people.
Try again!
Wear things that make you feel well and happy.

XenoBitch · 27/10/2021 22:31

@DDUW

Never been asked out, never been on a date.

Have any of you been ridiculed for trying to make an effort with your appearance? I used to try to wear nice clothes but I was humiliated by people finding it funny so I stopped.

Yes, I have. The nasty comments were from other women.

Original poster

Iamnotattractive · 27/10/2021 22:31

@Ahhbiscuits

Here it is

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4384603-Pretty-privilege-do-you-have-it

OP posts:

Original poster

Iamnotattractive · 27/10/2021 22:32

@DDUW

Never been asked out, never been on a date.

Have any of you been ridiculed for trying to make an effort with your appearance? I used to try to wear nice clothes but I was humiliated by people finding it funny so I stopped.

Yes, mainly by other women tbf. I don't think men noticed anyway.

OP posts:

JaceLancs · 27/10/2021 22:32

I’ve never felt pretty or thin enough etc
Sadly hasn’t stopped me being sexually abused as a child or hit on as an adult
I have managed relationships and marriage/children but am now long term single and have zero confidence to even consider a relationship or even casual sex despite being confident in my career etc

clatterclatter · 27/10/2021 22:33

I’m here for this thread OP. I’m a plain Jane and I was tubby in my teenage years and early 20s. Never got chatted up, never had a boyfriend, wasn’t kissed until I was 19. In a bit of a crap marriage now with no affection. Even now I’m slimmer I’ve not found it makes much difference.

JaceLancs · 27/10/2021 22:34

Just reading other responses
I dress well (to suit me)
Manage female friendships ok
Am seen positively on the whole
Just don’t attract the opposite sex

BoarOnTheFloor · 27/10/2021 22:36

I’m quite confident and secure in myself and people are often surprised by that - I think a lot of women get a chunk of confidence from how they look/the attention they get from men so don’t understand why I am confident despite not getting that.

I remember a barman flirting with me once (never happens which is why I remember!) and my friend being a bit put out, as she was much prettier than me and so didn’t expect it that way round.

clatterclatter · 27/10/2021 22:36

Sometimes I feel like when I make an effort I look worse, I look like me but also with an extra layer of looking crap. Make up never seems to look right and neither does my hair. I do enjoy fashion but don’t have the wages to spend much on it.

Original poster

Iamnotattractive · 27/10/2021 22:38

Has anyone else on this thread noticed that sometimes men, specifically at work treat you differently if they don’t find you attractive? Bare minimum communication, like you aren’t worth speaking to?
Yes, this is the feeling I was trying to describe. I don't even think that they do it consciously, to be honest. Those famous first seven seconds, which are often mentioned in "make the right first impression" business trainings... I think (heterosexual) men spend five of them estimating whether you are attractive or not. If not, you just don't register with them anymore as a person at all, as if you just don't exist.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iamnotattractive · 27/10/2021 22:40

@clatterclatter

I could have written that word by word

Makeup seems to make other women prettier, for me it is just a different, more colourful version of ugly. And I used some quite talented make up artists too, not all diy!

OP posts:

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