AIBU to ask about the life experiences of unattractive women

[Iamnotattractive]

Was impressed by the recent thread about pretty privilege, and stories there. Was so different to my experience, it sounded like a different planet.

So, I am an unattractive woman, and have been all my life. No obvious single disfigurement, I just look weird, overall badly put together.

I've been asked out only twice in my life (once at 17, once at 27) - had children with the second guy, despite having serious misgivings, but he was really the only option (it did not last). Men never notice I even exist - even the ones I work with for a year or so struggle to recall my name (I don't mean the immediate team members, but someone further out). I remember all the compliments I was given in my life, as the total number is under 10 . If a guy offered to buy me a drink or offered to carry something heavy for me, my first thought would be that they have some criminal intentions - hypothetically, of course, it never happened in reality.

On the positive side, I have never experienced any inappropriate sexual attention or harassment. I don't also have to worry about losing my looks as I age - if nothing helped me at 16, nothing will help me at almost 40.

So wanted to ask other unattractive women, how does life look for you? Similar to mine?

I don't know if I'm unattractive, but I'm stocky and square jawed and Roman nosed and would certainly never be called pretty. I seem to be invisible to street harrasers (why I don't know) but also have been glad to not have too much attention from men. I think I attracted boyfriends in my youth with my manic pixie attitude.

Interestingly, I found a different experience with men. I'd say I'm of average appearance, but always been heavy so always the 'ignored friend', plus didn't have any confidence or self-esteem as a teen.

For a long time I've worked with a lot of male scientists, and I've found they're much more willing to talk to me, maybe as they're talking to me as a [person], not as an [attractive female]. I've also found similar in the hobbies I choose, which tend to be male dominated. It may help that I'm married, so it's obvious that I'm interested in the hobby or science, not potential partners, so we get straight to the interesting part of the conversation.
For colleagues in a more commercial role (who do tend to be more attractive & charming), yes the ignoring is more obvious.

I went to the work Christmas party the year I lost all the weight in a size 10 dress and didn’t get a single compliment yet all the women around me were oohing and aahhing over each other’s dresses- I have to say I’ve never forgotten how shit I felt. I tried so hard to look nice for the first time in my new slim self and failed miserably.

they werent nice people.

I agree that being a plain Jane doesn’t mean someone won’t experience sexual harassment of any sort. In some ways it could make the situation worse, as if a guy gets rejected by a woman he deems not attractive, that could make him turn nasty and I guess that’s where the power comes. ‘How dare you not fancy me, I’ll show you etc…’

I do think overall though, being deemed particularly attractive will get more unwanted attention. I don’t mean by wearing make up etc… just some people have a naturally attractive faces

I'm married to the the only bloke whose ever asked me out. I was 18 the first time he asked me, but because of low confidence I said no. Finally got together when I was 30. Been married 18 years now.

As someone who is ‘average’ looking I just wanted to post to say I’m so sorry to hear that people have been called ugly. Why oh why would anyone be so nasty? My heart breaks for people having to be at the receiving end of such abuse

@nettytree

I'm married to the the only bloke whose ever asked me out. I was 18 the first time he asked me, but because of low confidence I said no. Finally got together when I was 30. Been married 18 years now.

Almost the same story with me.

I am always amazed by when on MN threads posters advise to quit the relationship as there are hundreds of worthier men just around the corner. Not because I think that relationships have to be maintained at any cost, just surprised that it is so easy for so many people to just walk straight into a new one.

I have a very dear friend who is unusual in looks, she has always considered herself ugly (I think she is unique but she's not outwardly conventionally attractive I would agree). As a young woman she deliberately set out to break up the relationship of a man she fancied, who had flirted with her and made it clear he would be happy to have an affair. This was because he was the only man who had ever expressed an interest in her, she was successful in her plan and felt validated that she had "stolen" the man away from his pretty fiancee - in her opinion it meant that she wasn't too ugly to have a relationship. She married him and he cheated regularly, but she stayed with him because she has no confidence that she could attract anyone else.

I find it really sad, that her self worth is completely tied up with being married to someone with a conventionally attractive appearance, despite the fact he is a total shit. It is quite refreshing to read the accounts in this thread, of women who know that they are enough and are liberated enough to not tie themselves to bastards.

I prefer being ugly as it does lend me a certain amount of invisibility but that doesn't work so well around judgy people who love looking for flawed humans so they can feel better about themselves (It's true). My mum set me straight on the matter when I was little when she said "Richer, you'd be almost pretty if you just lost the weight" and I've been obese ever since. Unfortunately it really doesn't protect you from harassment or sexual assault!

I'm horrified that some of you have been stopped in the street to be told how ugly you are 😥 People can be so cruel.

This is heartbreaking. Society makes women think their self-worth is tied to their looks. That’s why a lot of women cannot handle getting older. Looks fade and it is not something to hang your self worth on.

Black woman are generally regarded as unattractive and undesirable. Imagine what that has meant for black girls and women.

We must reject these narratives and labels about all women.

@Walktothewall

Same here op. It’s amazing how being unattractive gives you a cloak of invisibility

Never had a proper partner until age 39 (now married with DC), virgin until 32, never asked out on a date ever, very rare to get a compliment on my appearance and always overlooked at work.

I lost weight and went from a size 20 to a size 8-10 and was still invisible. I went to the work Christmas party the year I lost all the weight in a size 10 dress and didn’t get a single compliment yet all the women around me were oohing and aahhing over each other’s dresses- I have to say I’ve never forgotten how shit I felt. I tried so hard to look nice for the first time in my new slim self and failed miserably. I know you mustn’t base your self-worth on what others think but it hurt anyway. Having self-confidence is very difficult at times.

On the positive side I have also never experienced sexual harassment of any sort.

God some people are just dicks. They were probably jealous of your new look. There’s nothing stranger than folk

In the past two years I’ve managed to get from 14 stone to 9 stone.. really thought that would make a difference to how others see me, sadly it hasn’t at all.
I find it’s a worse feeling on the days I properly make an effort to look a lot nicer yet still don’t get noticed/ a second glance/ talked to more at all.

It’s why I’ve not gone for Botox or anything, I think of the phrase making a silk purse out of a sows ear.. it’s pointless, if anything I’d feel others would judge me more, as in “why on earth is she even trying to look better, what a waste of money she still looks crap!”

This is heartbreaking. Society makes women think their self-worth is tied to their looks. That’s why a lot of women cannot handle getting older. Looks fade and it is not something to hang your self worth on.
Actually, I don't have any issues with self-worth, having never based my self-worth on my looks. Strangely, a lot of people assume that I must have issues with self esteem, but I honestly just don't. And when they discover I don't, it is almost like an insult to them - something that always shocked me.

I’m reading through these posts and it’s incredibly sad. I don’t know anyone who is unattractive physically. Perhaps i have rose tinted glasses but I truly believe that there is something attractive in the vast majority or people. As cliche as it maybe, it’s who you are that makes you attractive, not what you look like. If men ignore you, are rude etc, it says an awful lot about them, not you.

What I dislike is the way that your other merits have to be ten times what more conventionally attractive people have. For example, I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty funny, I can come up with smart remarks pretty quickly. Used to drive me mad when I would come out with gold only for a 8/10 with a midriff top was told she was 'hilarious' for re-spouting a line from Friends. It's almost like some men feel like if they compliment you in any way you'll get the wrong idea and latch onto them like a lost puppy.
Also, the pity shags and lying about it afterwards. Started in secondary when the hot boy from school took my virginity and would not admit to it afterwards. Then there's the guys who try to kiss you at the work do and then don't even acknowledge by the printer on Monday. Dicks.

As someone who is ‘average’ looking I just wanted to post to say I’m so sorry to hear that people have been called ugly. Why oh why would anyone be so nasty? My heart breaks for people having to be at the receiving end of such abuse

I agree. I'm no oil painting but I have never experienced any of this cruel nasty behaviour, it's shocking to read. I don't think of anyone as being ugly and find it very sad to read so many posters saying that they are.

Me too. Sad to read. Very average looking, couldn't get a boyfriend, but never been called ugly, or not to my face at least.

@Glitterblue

I'm horrified that some of you have been stopped in the street to be told how ugly you are 😥 People can be so cruel.

I used to be obese, was a size 24. I frequently got abused and insulted by total strangers in the street, people who took time out of their days to mock the fat woman. It was awful.

I bet you are attractive op. Imo everyone has something attractive about them...we don't all look like Claudia Shiffer but the media makes us feel bad if we don't so they can sell us products.

At school all the boys called me ugly. When i look at old photos i was actually pretty but didn't fit the sloane ranger private school ideal.

Anyway..ive never been overrun by male attention but dp loves ne and fancies me.

I do think men are also fed an unrealistic view of female beauty. They expect to land a gf who looks like a model when model types are rare and often heavily airbrushed.

I bet you are attractive op. Imo everyone has something attractive about them...we don't all look like Claudia Shiffer but the media makes us feel bad if we don't so they can sell us products
I understand that comments like that and "I don't know any unattractive people" come from a good place, but no. Throughout the history of mankind there have always been ugly people. Children blurt out "look, mum, that woman is so ugly!" before they are brainwashed by the media. I have seen plenty of unattractive people in my life myself, I am amazed that there are people who haven't.

I am not comparing myself to models in glossy magazines, I am not 12 . And I don't have any issues with self esteem, the intention of the thread was not to seek validation. I was just interested in lived experiences of others like me - experiences that are yes, sometimes unpleasant. Saying, indirectly, we must have imagined it all is... less kind than it seems.

I've read this thread with interest as I've never actually thought about whether I'm attractive or not. I've never taken much interest in what I look like, or worn much make up, or thought carefully about what I wear (I wear things that are comfortable, or that I see on other women and think looks nice). I genuinely have no idea if I'm attractive or not. Maybe that means I'm bang average.

I think there are guys also who think they are below average too. Me and DH would both have thought of ourselves as not v attractive. V few dates with other people between us before getting together in our 20s. Fortunately we both find each other attractive (though I am sometimes a bit surprised!). I guess we were both happy to find someone - though I’m sure there are horror stories about people who seem ‘nice’ (attractive or not) but then turn out to be horrible people.

From adolescence onwards I got a lot of bullying about my appearance. Add to that a dad who, whilst a sweet soul, never said a word to support or validate me as a woman, and it was a recipe for just accepting the first relationship that beckoned regardless of whether it was good for me or not. I had the sort of sexual harassment which consists of sad inadequate men shouting comments out of cars and openly laughing at me. I completely get that subtle sense of knowing a man is talking to me on the basis of not really seeing me as a woman, regardless of how courteous he is being - and the same man lighting up like a Christmas tree the minute a more attractive female happens along.

I have a friend who was the exact opposite to me in youth and had lots and lots of attention. What she is finding tough now is losing that ability to command attention with her looks.

I’ve reached the point of deciding that the past doesn’t have to be the future and that, whatever it takes, I intend to have a good relationship with my looks and body - whether that meets with male approval or not. I think both my story and that of my friend just illustrate how damaging it can be to find oneself objectified.