AIBU to ask about the life experiences of unattractive women

[Iamnotattractive]

Was impressed by the recent thread about pretty privilege, and stories there. Was so different to my experience, it sounded like a different planet.

So, I am an unattractive woman, and have been all my life. No obvious single disfigurement, I just look weird, overall badly put together.

I've been asked out only twice in my life (once at 17, once at 27) - had children with the second guy, despite having serious misgivings, but he was really the only option (it did not last). Men never notice I even exist - even the ones I work with for a year or so struggle to recall my name (I don't mean the immediate team members, but someone further out). I remember all the compliments I was given in my life, as the total number is under 10 . If a guy offered to buy me a drink or offered to carry something heavy for me, my first thought would be that they have some criminal intentions - hypothetically, of course, it never happened in reality.

On the positive side, I have never experienced any inappropriate sexual attention or harassment. I don't also have to worry about losing my looks as I age - if nothing helped me at 16, nothing will help me at almost 40.

So wanted to ask other unattractive women, how does life look for you? Similar to mine?

as an alternative perspective, being ugly, far or both, can be a good twat test.

You often see the truth of a person's character i find,if you are not conventionally attractive,, and as a result I know my perception is good.

@FrenchToasty

Ugly, lumpy and given up on the possibility of meeting anyone. I hate it when people say it’ll happen when you least expect it or there’s someone for everyone. Neither statement is true if you’re not attractive.

Oh yes, it reminds me of what was a popular phrase online at one time when everyone would encourage people to leave bad partners by saying "remember, d*ck is abundant and low-value". Every time I saw that, I couldn't help thinking "that's certainly not my experience!"

I have normal weight but I am very short -1.52m so that makes me technically unattractive to some people. I have good skin and wear makeup- tried out the zoom beauty filter on myself the other day and realized that it made no difference to my unmade face (but then I am fairly young in my 20s). But I have bad hair (and teeth). I used to wear glasses in school and was quite an unattractive child as a result but I wear contacts now and my eyes are quite large. I think all in all, I would probably be quite normal looking or even above average in a small town or a outer london suburb where people are older, poorer (less money to spend on their appearance and tend to be disproportionately fatter) or simply more low key. But I live in London and everyday I see young beautiful girls and I feel very unattractive in comparison.

I married my DH at 22 (we met at university) and so I guess I am lucky in the sense that I didn't spend a lot of time worrying about whether men liked me. Sadly I do get harassed on the streets but usually by racist men who make sexual remarks so I think it's more racism than that they find me attractive. But yeah you know how some women claim that men keep hitting on them despite them being attached (I had friends who used to carry fake promise rings to fend off would be suitors). I do not relate at all (not that I want to have that experience as I am happy with my DH but #justsaying)

Well hello, long lost twin!

Ha ha! It does sound like we have a similar inverted triangle body shape too, but I'm a bit shorter at 5'4 so I always look stocky and top-heavy even when I'm at a healthy weight. My chest is six inches bigger than my hips.

@onlychildhamster

I have normal weight but I am very short -1.52m so that makes me technically unattractive to some people. I have good skin and wear makeup- tried out the zoom beauty filter on myself the other day and realized that it made no difference to my unmade face (but then I am fairly young in my 20s). But I have bad hair (and teeth). I used to wear glasses in school and was quite an unattractive child as a result but I wear contacts now and my eyes are quite large. I think all in all, I would probably be quite normal looking or even above average in a small town or a outer london suburb where people are older, poorer (less money to spend on their appearance and tend to be disproportionately fatter) or simply more low key. But I live in London and everyday I see young beautiful girls and I feel very unattractive in comparison.

I married my DH at 22 (we met at university) and so I guess I am lucky in the sense that I didn't spend a lot of time worrying about whether men liked me. Sadly I do get harassed on the streets but usually by racist men who make sexual remarks so I think it's more racism than that they find me attractive. But yeah you know how some women claim that men keep hitting on them despite them being attached (I had friends who used to carry fake promise rings to fend off would be suitors). I do not relate at all (not that I want to have that experience as I am happy with my DH but #justsaying)

No, you wouldn't. You would look exactly the same wherever you live. Don't punch down to older, fatted or poorer women. It doesn't help and its a bit offensive.

I’m in this boat. I’ve never been attractive have an odd looking face, big nose, unattractive moles and a weird mouth. Haven’t ever been hit on till Covid when I’ve wearing a mask and have had several guys ask for my number, I imagine they’d be horrified by what’s underneath it. Any false confidence I might have got from that has been smashed away by discovering my partner has been texting his ex telling her she is beautiful. He has never said that to me.At least he’s not a liar I guess.

I find it strange that the very attractive people are admired and aspired too as if they have achieved something when how we look is pure chance.

@onlychildhamster

I have normal weight but I am very short -1.52m so that makes me technically unattractive to some people. I have good skin and wear makeup- tried out the zoom beauty filter on myself the other day and realized that it made no difference to my unmade face (but then I am fairly young in my 20s). But I have bad hair (and teeth). I used to wear glasses in school and was quite an unattractive child as a result but I wear contacts now and my eyes are quite large. I think all in all, I would probably be quite normal looking or even above average in a small town or a outer london suburb where people are older, poorer (less money to spend on their appearance and tend to be disproportionately fatter) or simply more low key. But I live in London and everyday I see young beautiful girls and I feel very unattractive in comparison.

I married my DH at 22 (we met at university) and so I guess I am lucky in the sense that I didn't spend a lot of time worrying about whether men liked me. Sadly I do get harassed on the streets but usually by racist men who make sexual remarks so I think it's more racism than that they find me attractive. But yeah you know how some women claim that men keep hitting on them despite them being attached (I had friends who used to carry fake promise rings to fend off would be suitors). I do not relate at all (not that I want to have that experience as I am happy with my DH but #justsaying)

Eh?

At least it's one upside of having to wear a mask - it hides all my worst features!

Take heart! I look like a literal cave troll in a wig, and I managed to land a lovely, very attractive (I think!) man at 29.

I totally own that I'm weird looking (people have coughed the word "ugly!" at me in the street) but I nonetheless have a comfortably high opinion of myself. I'm smart, I love learning, I'm fun to talk to sometimes! I can carry myself well in a number of situations. I dress snappy too. I even modelled alternative fashion/art photography for years.

I'm so sad to hear about people who've developed low self esteem because the world tells them they're not pretty. I really hope you find ways to feel worthwhile, interesting, compelling, beautiful!

@Greedymum

I find it strange that the very attractive people are admired and aspired too as if they have achieved something when how we look is pure chance.

Its no stranger than admiring intelligence or the the achievements that can be traced back to wealth or class though, which are also often accidents of birth. I don't think people will ever stop admiring beauty, its a natural human instinct. Yes, its unfortunate if you don't possess it, but its only one aspect of life amongst many that significantly influence your opportunities, and very few people have it all.

@5128gap looks are relative, just like earnings. It's like how someone who earns £25k would feel poor in London but it might be an ok wage in other parts of the UK. I am size 10 with normal bmi of 23 and that is chubby where I come from (east Asia), but it's considered a normal weight in the UK, though no one I know personally is overweight (yet UK stats say 60% of people are overweight)

I have read this thread this morning and the thing that stands out to me is that I cannot ever imagine a group of men having this conversation about their looks. I have dated very good looking men, average looking men and I would even say one (possibly) quite ugly man. They were all charming and fun in their own ways and none of them ever spoke to me about their own appearance. It just wasn’t on their radar.

I feel very sad that so many women have experienced such awful, shitty behaviour from men, friends and family because of their appearance. Who on earth gives anyone the right to treat another human like this because they don’t like the way they look?

For me, I’m overweight but I think with makeup, good clothing and hair I scrub up pretty well. Without, on a bad day, I’m a real minger! As I am nearing 50, I think I am growing invisible and that’s OK. If it means I am free of unwanted attention (negative and positive) then that suits me.

As an aside I don’t think I really know of anyone who is properly ugly. Even my previous boyfriend was attractive to me. I also don’t think I know of anyone truly naturally beautiful. I have one friend who is stunning but take out her boob job, cheek bones op, nose straightening op and I think she’d be pretty but certainly not amazing.

Overall, I’m saddened that so many people have had such negative experiences because they don’t fall into the narrow margin of what is acceptable for looks.

onlychildhamster

Not sure why you're on this thread exactly?

I definitely feel as though I can relate, I’ve been short and dumpy looking since my teens and on 3 separate occasions been asked if I’m my friends mum all of them who were actually slightly older than me. This was all in my 20’s and I had made an effort of dressing up so was a real confidence blow. I’ve also been ghosted by multiple people on OLD, it always felt like I was on a different website to some of my friends that have had great success. I feel the invisibility cloak that others have described both in work and socially, it probably doesn’t help being an introvert in this situation either.

What I do know is that I have great friends that stand up for me as on the last occasion of being called my friends mum, my friend poured a glass of water over his head.

I’m in my 30’s now and I think I’m starting to appreciate the positives in my life rather than focus on what may never happen, building my self esteem to a point where the comments don’t bother me so much.

[quote onlychildhamster]@5128gap looks are relative, just like earnings. It's like how someone who earns £25k would feel poor in London but it might be an ok wage in other parts of the UK. I am size 10 with normal bmi of 23 and that is chubby where I come from (east Asia), but it's considered a normal weight in the UK, though no one I know personally is overweight (yet UK stats say 60% of people are overweight)[/quote]
Attractiveness is not relative for people who are truly ugly or truly beautiful, as their features will be those more or less universally agreed to be so. You are talking about people with ordinary, average looks who can look better or worse by comparison with others. I was primarily disagreeing with your view that people who are older, fatter or poorer and who outside of London are automatically less attractive. As a 52 year from a small town who spends a lot of time in London, I can assure you that my attractiveness, as judged by the level of attention and feedback my looks receive, varies not at all based on my location.

I have read this thread this morning and the thing that stands out to me is that I cannot ever imagine a group of men having this conversation about their looks.

@Wishihadanalgorithm

Oh gay men do, believe me.

@PlausibleSuit

I have read this thread this morning and the thing that stands out to me is that I cannot ever imagine a group of men having this conversation about their looks.

@Wishihadanalgorithm

Oh gay men do, believe me.

Straight men too. Particularly young ones who often place great importance on looks ime. They just seem to focus less on facial features and more on height, body shape and the amount of hair they have. Maybe because there is more tolerance for quirky facial features in men (if the rest of them is ok) than in women.

@5128gap That's probably because they're not targeted by makeup companies - "how to fix droopy/small/deepset eyes", or fix "uneven lips". Women are forced to take apart every single cell of our appearance, not just generalities, we are conditioned to look at our chins/eyebrows/space between our eyes and compare ourselves negatively. It's ridiculous. Men just don't receive this level of hypercriticism.

I'm not going to describe my face too much because I don't want to add to this tyranny of features but I relate to so much of this thread. I did have terrible skin though (very bad psoriasis right on my face) and people treated me like I was diseased. I was disgusted with myself too. So much criticism came from my mother, I really think to this day she would have been kinder to me/loved me more if I was pretty. I really think she was ashamed of me and would make comments about other daughters and how pretty/amazing they were. I went to a girl's school and the bitchiness I received was off the scale, I've realised that girls don't like other girls if they're too pretty to compete with, but also if they're too ugly, because then you "bring down" the group's attractiveness as a whole. At least that's what it was like at my school. But I'm still glad I didn't go to a unisex school because at least I didn't have to deal with boys at that age. Girls can be extremely mean/catty but boys can be loud/obnoxious/violent and I know I would have been bullied to death.

I think women are attracted to men based less on looks and more on other factors (height being one of them, that is also a characteristic that is unchosen). I think men's attraction to women is very much driven by appearance. Lots of women here saying that they've never met an ugly woman. I think we'd get a different answer if the question were put to a group of men.

Don’t know why women are deemed “bitchy” I have heard men be unutterably cruel about women they do not deem attractive. Also don’t see women who struggle to attract men grouping together on the internet festering with resentment ending in ultimately physically attacking men.

Has anyone else on this thread noticed that sometimes men, specifically at work treat you differently if they don’t find you attractive? Bare minimum communication, like you aren’t worth speaking to?

Yes, I’ve lost 10st this year and started to get my confidence back, had my hair cut, wear make up more often, have my nails done etc, and two of my colleagues are like flies around shit. I can see them getting huffy with each other if one of them is getting more of my attention than the other. It’s so random as the most huffy one is old enough to be my dad, and the other one is younger, my age and just chats to me completely normally as a peer, but it’s obvious he can’t stay away, he’ll come and chat to me every time he finishes a job or come and sit at my desk on his breaks. While the older guy gets quietly madder and madder from his desk which is in much closer general proximity.

A year ago pre weight loss the older guy barely even spoke to me, and the younger guy was entirely formal and professional. These days I know the ins and outs of his divorce, when he’s been to court, his custody agreement, that his ex wife is pregnant by her new partner and all about the new property he’s just bought and they ins and outs of his conveyancing. Sometimes I go outside on my break for a vape (terrible habit) and he’ll come out and I’ll ask if he needs something (I’m in charge of the shift” and he’ll say “no, I just came to hang out”.

This whole situation has been observed and joked about by other female colleagues.

Yes, I’ve lost 10st this year
Could not even focus on reading after this. God, you are a superwoman with a will of steel.

Thanks OP, I won’t say that it was easy, it’s a complete lifestyle change and saying goodbye to enjoyment of food in the same way, ever again. But I’ve had weight loss surgery, so that’s mainly what has stopped me going back to old ways of eating, I can’t physically binge or overindulge anymore.

I'm no oil painting. I have a big forehead and a moon like face. Cleft chin and big deep lines between my nose and mouth. I look v much like my dad 😂

When I first started going out with exh, we went to a dinner party for one of his friends where his ex was. Bear in mind she was in her 40s/50s so not young.

The minute I walked through the door she shrieked and said 'omg that makes me feel so much worse that he's going out with you!'. I said err what do you mean. She said 'well you always want to feel your exes are going out with women more attractive than you, not those whose face looks like a frog!'

I can't remember what I said, I suspect swear words were involved!

Bizarrely I've actually found I've always had a lot of male friends and I've really valued them. When I was younger, I often felt attractive women haven't wanted to be friends with me in case I bring them down! I'm v comfortable in my own skin though.