AIBU to ask about the life experiences of unattractive women

[Iamnotattractive]

Was impressed by the recent thread about pretty privilege, and stories there. Was so different to my experience, it sounded like a different planet.

So, I am an unattractive woman, and have been all my life. No obvious single disfigurement, I just look weird, overall badly put together.

I've been asked out only twice in my life (once at 17, once at 27) - had children with the second guy, despite having serious misgivings, but he was really the only option (it did not last). Men never notice I even exist - even the ones I work with for a year or so struggle to recall my name (I don't mean the immediate team members, but someone further out). I remember all the compliments I was given in my life, as the total number is under 10 . If a guy offered to buy me a drink or offered to carry something heavy for me, my first thought would be that they have some criminal intentions - hypothetically, of course, it never happened in reality.

On the positive side, I have never experienced any inappropriate sexual attention or harassment. I don't also have to worry about losing my looks as I age - if nothing helped me at 16, nothing will help me at almost 40.

So wanted to ask other unattractive women, how does life look for you? Similar to mine?

emmsyj37 Sorry for the delay in replying; today has been exceptionally busy. Yes, I AM saying that, in spite of feminism - which I've campaigned for since my 20s - I think that several things for young women today are much, much worse than they were in the 1960s or 1970s or 1980s.
I was trying to put the OP remarks in a long-term context, and say - tactfully - the following things:

• Don't let yourself be judged by the male gaze. Who the hell has the right to say that you are unattractive? Certainly, not men who are not attracted to you.Just ignore them. You might not be attracted to them. So what? Don't let them waste your time. They have no right to comment.

  • Looks don't tell anyone what the person inside them is like; secondly, anyone who judges you by your looks alone is not worth bothering about. Of course, physical attraction is important, but it's probably one of the least important things in many long- lasting relationships. And it absolutely does not have to be based on false Internet 'looks'; it can be triggered something as simple as pretty eyes or a kind and lovely smile. I had a lovely, lovely friend. She was very nice to look at - though not conventionally pretty - but she had the most wonderful intelligent and understanding - and reassuring - personality. I once said to her husband - "x is such a good friend; she makes one feel as if everything is going to be all right." The friend's husband replied " but why do you think I married her?" He was joking, but only slightly. We can ALL fulfill our husbands'/wives/partners' needs in so many different ways. To repeat myself, way back, many of us did really did believe that men who could not see further than superficial appearance were not worth bothering about.

• Just be proud - or at least - respectful of who you are. This is where my other comments about what happened when I was young fit in. I KNOW this might seem hard to believe, but (because the consequences then for women were serious) young women then were on the whole MUCH, MUCH more choosy about who they had any kind of physial contact with. This made sex a fairly scarce commodity; market forces (much as I dislike them) gave women more scarcity, more desirability, more power.

• Feminism them was so much less about appearance or dating or the right to do this/that/the other to one's appearance, but so much more about politics, self respect and female empowerment.

I may be unrealistic, but if the OP could believe that the fault lay with the shallow men who are horrible to her, then just perhaps this might be helpful.
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emmsy I was not wanting to say that the past was wonderful or that we shoud turn the clock back. What I was wondering was whether there was anything we could earn from it.

What seems so sad today is the objectification of male and female partners. Women are people but so are men, too, and in so many contexts, they seem to have been socialised out of recognising this.

Like others I have had people - strangers and friends - tell me I'm very unattractive and need to accept that. It does make me sad

Cambag that’s awful that strangers have said that and even worse that friends have said that to you.
They don’t sound like very nice friends.

@LaMadrilena

I agree being dismissed as someone interesting or worth talking to is really hard.

@LaMadrilena obviously I meant being dismissed that you are not worth talking to. Have had it on many occasions.

@Andante57 that is awful that friends have said it to you, I am so sorry. I think if people have never experienced it they can't begin to really understand how it undermines your confidence.

@walktothewall just wanted to say well done that's an amazing achievement and I'm sure you looked absolutely lovely at that party

@allscottishnames

I do not define myself by the amount of male interest I have, probably my post came across as too whiny. I have a good career, excellent salary, feel confident in public - often lecturing to several hundred strong audiences. Great home, great children, solid friends.

But, by the very definition of "attractive", you need to have people to be attracted to you. Yes, it is shallow. I was just surprised by all the stories on the other thread about how much easier it makes one's life.

@ShortnStout87

I’m in my 30’s now and I think I’m starting to appreciate the positives in my life rather than focus on what may never happen, building my self esteem to a point where the comments don’t bother me so much.

I worked towards this point for years. Then the day my boss said something carelessly insulting about my looks and I genuinely found it funny and laughed in his face I realised I’d got there!

I am not I don't define myself by the general male gaze, either. But surely, there's not one rule that says 'x' is always attractive and 'y' always isn't? That's really one of the main things we can all learn that can help give us confidence. People can and do attract in all sorts of ways and for all sorts of reasons.

@scottishnames

I am not I don't define myself by the general male gaze, either. But surely, there's not one rule that says 'x' is always attractive and 'y' always isn't? That's really one of the main things we can all learn that can help give us confidence. People can and do attract in all sorts of ways and for all sorts of reasons.

I think its difficult for heterosexual women not to define their attractiveness by the male gaze, as the only barometer we have of how (sexually) attractive we are is whether potential sexual partners find us so. Obviously our level of sexual attractiveness doesn't define our whole selves, or our value, but the fact is, men decide whether women are attractive to them or not. I agree that there isn't one definition of attractive, but there are some fairly universally agreed characteristics that if you have them, mean the pool that would be attracted to you is either larger or smaller.