AIBU to ask about the life experiences of unattractive women

[Iamnotattractive]

Was impressed by the recent thread about pretty privilege, and stories there. Was so different to my experience, it sounded like a different planet.

So, I am an unattractive woman, and have been all my life. No obvious single disfigurement, I just look weird, overall badly put together.

I've been asked out only twice in my life (once at 17, once at 27) - had children with the second guy, despite having serious misgivings, but he was really the only option (it did not last). Men never notice I even exist - even the ones I work with for a year or so struggle to recall my name (I don't mean the immediate team members, but someone further out). I remember all the compliments I was given in my life, as the total number is under 10 . If a guy offered to buy me a drink or offered to carry something heavy for me, my first thought would be that they have some criminal intentions - hypothetically, of course, it never happened in reality.

On the positive side, I have never experienced any inappropriate sexual attention or harassment. I don't also have to worry about losing my looks as I age - if nothing helped me at 16, nothing will help me at almost 40.

So wanted to ask other unattractive women, how does life look for you? Similar to mine?

When I was a teen I was with my then boyfriend and his friend and partner at a do. She said to my boyfriend, why the fuck are you hanging around with that thing, don't you have standards. Yes, that thing was me. Decent, kind and honest but treated like that.

We also at work had a stupid guess your age game over a Christmas meal. They put me as being over 10 years older than I am.

I’ve always found when I was younger that the girls with issues around their attractiveness were generally more attractive. One of my circle of friend in my 20s was (still is) conventionally beautiful and she got so much hassle and aggression from men, much more than the rest of us.

@3scape

I am unattractive but I have experienced avariety of sexual harassment and harrassment. Sexual harrassment is after all about power and putting down women rather than sexual appeal. Daring to be in the world and not attractive as a female a lot of men and women take exception to with me. I "should" make an effort and other such shit from my parents and some older relatives. Please don't think sexual harrassment is part of being attractive - it's getting close to saying making an effort is then somehow asking for it. I don't owe anyone looking a certain way. But it's taken a lot of pain, street humiliation and akward conversation s to accept how I look isn't to anyone's taste.

I agree with this. You certainly do not need to be attractive for pathetic men to try to exert power over you and show off to their mates. Being shouted at or having men loudly tell each other 'I wouldn't touch her with yours' (for example) is also sexual harassment.

similar story here. Been asked out only a couple of times. Ridiculed for weight. Just feel like a different species. Being clever in school saved me in many ways, but also meant that I was seen as different/nerd. Huge shyness alos doesn't help.

I've seen this from both sides of life. I was always told I'm pretty in my younger years. Kinda took my looks for granted. Lots of boyfriends and attention. Really didn't think much if it. Took it for granted maybe.I'm in my 40's now and up until last year was still referred to as attractive. Then I became unwell and now have a facial droop. I thought I'd had a stroke at the time but I actually have a neurological disorder. So I've been like this for a while and wow what an eye opener. It's the actual nastiness from people who point, laugh and make comments. Like why!!!. Men definitely treat me differently. I'm completely ignored now lol. I'm ok with that.

I am not at all attractive. I have one of those faces that maybe could be attractive but somehow everything's just off. I've had my fair share of sexual harassment from men who seem to think that being ugly means I should just be grateful for the attention. Only ever had two boyfriends, the first boyfriend was my first kiss at age 18, second boyfriend I've now been happily married to for 10 years and I have no idea how I've been so lucky. But I've been out with my husband when other women have tried to flirt with him as if I'm completely invisible, then when they realise I'm with him look at me like dirt, as if I'm so ugly I'm totally unworthy of him (which I am, I know I am, but he wants me so 🤷‍♀️)

I have been asked out by other men who I didn't feel even the tiniest amount of physical or emotional attraction to, and had "friends" tell me I shouldn't be so picky or I'll always be single. Well excuse me for feeling I'd rather be on my own than force myself into a relationship with someone who bores me silly because I'm too ugly for anyone else.

I can relate to a lot of this thread. I made peace with it long ago. I find there are certain advantages to being invisible and it doesn’t stop me being happy.

I'm not attractive and I'm not ugly. I'm sort of average. I am however out condition and overweight because I don't look after myself as I'm a carer and have been since being 8 years old first to gran (with mum) , then grandad who was... Difficult (with mum who was getting gradually more ill and disabled herself through this) , then mum and grandad and finally now just mum. I domt have time to focus on me and I have a health condition where even the slightest stimulus makes me sweat profusely all over my body. It happens when thin and happens when big, nothing to do with weight. I can hide most of it but not my face and hair that drip like I've just got out the shower and flush bright red for the entire time until I manage to cool off. Bringing in three bags of shopping this morning made my hair wet like I'd just washed it all over and my tshirt is soaked through in places. Cannot wear make up as it would just drip off so have to just continue abiut, even using fans in winter and no coat etc.

The anxiety about it makes it worse... People stare and comment all the time. I keep getting told if I just lost weight it would go (it wouldn't... It happened as a stick thin child, it happened as a curvy teen and it happens now as a plus size adult. It's incurable and there's no medicine for it, just 3 meds that treat other things that have the side effect of drying up sweat. One worked but I became immune 18 months later, 1 did nothing and the final is hit and miss and has incredible side effects ). Add onto the abuse I get just for daring to be out in public and walk down the street from children, teens, people passing and people in cars... It's no wonder I won't go anywhere without headphones in 🤔

I've got to say I think a lot of attractiveness is down to self confidence.

I have been out with some very unusual looking people that I wasn't remotely attracted to to start with but very often they won me over due to a great sense of humour, lovely personality etc.

Myself, I'm not typically beautiful by a country mile. My teeth are incredibly crooked and my mouth is full of fillings due to a terrible child hood diet. I've always been a bit overweight but very firmly obese since mid twenties. I'm ginger with lots of freckles (and not the gentle sprinkle, the extra bold tsunami that l looks like I'm more freckles than pasty white skin).

But I was raised to be fiercely independent, taught electronics and engineering and I rode horses and did gymnastics. My dad pretty much raised me as a typical boy but with access to girls activities as well as well. And whatever I did I did pretty well. My confidence and resilience was through the roof. I was raised talking to adults like equals and asking questions so I can often come across as arrogant. Plus I have a huge bank of trivia stored in my brain. This meant that I would insert myself into situations, correct teachers when they were wrong, talk with people that would never normally have entertained a mere teenage woman who had just started an entry level job etc. some people absolutely hated me and that's fine.... but men? I was never ever short of male attention. I have had dozens of proposals from the laughable to the one I actually accepted.

Im certainly not overly attractive but I DO have presence and that comes from having the self assurance of walking into a room and knowing that even if I'm out of my depth I can take it till you make it. And people either love or loathe me. Not really any in betweens🤷🏼‍♀️.

I've never been told by even a boyfriend that I'm pretty - I once flat-out asked my then-boyfriend if he thought I was pretty and his reply was an awkward pause and then a careful "why do you ask?".

It is hard seeing attractive people dance into relationships as soon as they want them, have people rush to do them favours and give them presents etc, but on the flipside I am never harassed in the street or prevented from doing something I want to because its not "feminine".

I've always considered myself to have a very stereotypical Male life experience in that I just exist in my body and do what I want with very little tedious appearance upkeep admin (although the middle-aged beard is a little upsetting now!), I simply can't imagine giving up hours of my day choosing an outfit or doing makeup.

@StormTreader

I've never been told by even a boyfriend that I'm pretty - I once flat-out asked my then-boyfriend if he thought I was pretty and his reply was an awkward pause and then a careful "why do you ask?".

It is hard seeing attractive people dance into relationships as soon as they want them, have people rush to do them favours and give them presents etc, but on the flipside I am never harassed in the street or prevented from doing something I want to because its not "feminine".

I've always considered myself to have a very stereotypical Male life experience in that I just exist in my body and do what I want with very little tedious appearance upkeep admin (although the middle-aged beard is a little upsetting now!), I simply can't imagine giving up hours of my day choosing an outfit or doing makeup.

I don't do overly feminine either unless it's a formal event and then I may concede to put on a dress. But I've never struggled for sexual or romantic attention despite looking like a more ginger version of Karen Mathews on a bad day. Unless my hair is going through a short cropped phase then I'm more Ed Sheran without the musical talent 😂

"My face is asymmetrical, and I have had total strangers in the street feel the need to tell me how ugly I am"

That is awful. So sorry you had to experience that abuse.

I've always considered myself to have a very stereotypical Male life experience in that I just exist in my body and do what I want with very little tedious appearance upkeep admin (although the middle-aged beard is a little upsetting now!), I simply can't imagine giving up hours of my day choosing an outfit or doing makeup.
Yes, same. I started reading some things from the manosphere / red-pill areas of the internet (not the toxic stuff) and was surprised as to how much it had resonated with my life.

I don't like to think of myself as unattractive or ugly, there's nothing repellent about me - or you, I'd wager.

I'm just plain-looking. I have a husband who thinks I'm beautiful and tells me so all the time and that's nice, but once I reached the age where grown men didn't try to groom and abuse me anymore (around 16?), I've been quite left alone, and I much prefer it to the alternative.

A lot of these experiences are heartbreaking. Particularly total strangers feeling the need to tell someone they think they are ugly. To act so appallingly is all to do with them and their own insecurities, the same as other bullying. It is an expression of power, used to make themselves feel stronger, in exactly the same way that sexual harassment or assault is about power, not sexual attraction, So unkind, but not about the ones who suffer it. Everyone has something to be glad of/proud of to give self-worth. If we can find those things we will carry ourselves with more confidence, and perhaps be less prone to bullying. Bullies pick on those they sense are vulnerable, but responsibility is always with the bully, never the bullied. to all who have had to put up with this.

@NotPersephone

What an awful experience. You may yet find someone mature enough to be worthy of being your partner though.

@DeJaDont

I've got to say I think a lot of attractiveness is down to self confidence.

I have been out with some very unusual looking people that I wasn't remotely attracted to to start with but very often they won me over due to a great sense of humour, lovely personality etc.

Myself, I'm not typically beautiful by a country mile. My teeth are incredibly crooked and my mouth is full of fillings due to a terrible child hood diet. I've always been a bit overweight but very firmly obese since mid twenties. I'm ginger with lots of freckles (and not the gentle sprinkle, the extra bold tsunami that l looks like I'm more freckles than pasty white skin).

But I was raised to be fiercely independent, taught electronics and engineering and I rode horses and did gymnastics. My dad pretty much raised me as a typical boy but with access to girls activities as well as well. And whatever I did I did pretty well. My confidence and resilience was through the roof. I was raised talking to adults like equals and asking questions so I can often come across as arrogant. Plus I have a huge bank of trivia stored in my brain. This meant that I would insert myself into situations, correct teachers when they were wrong, talk with people that would never normally have entertained a mere teenage woman who had just started an entry level job etc. some people absolutely hated me and that's fine.... but men? I was never ever short of male attention. I have had dozens of proposals from the laughable to the one I actually accepted.

Im certainly not overly attractive but I DO have presence and that comes from having the self assurance of walking into a room and knowing that even if I'm out of my depth I can take it till you make it. And people either love or loathe me. Not really any in betweens🤷🏼‍♀️.

This made me think of a recent interview with Claudia Winkleman where she talks about her upbringing: 'I learned that what you look like is the least interesting thing about you'.

I am an obese woman. I have always struggled with my weight. When I was younger I always assumed this would insulate me somewhat against sexual harassment. Maybe I would experience more if I were conventionally attractive, but experience has taught me I’m not immune and I agree with previous posters who say it is about power.

I also occasionally receive abuse in the street from complete strangers (generally men) because my appearance is so abhorrent to them. I have a theory that these are the same men who harass attractive or normal looking women. They see women as objects and so instead are angry that I don’t fit their ideals of what a woman should look like.

Only last night cycling home from work I had McDonalds rubbish thrown at me from a passenger in an overtaking car. It could have been because I’m a cyclist, or a fat woman, or perhaps a combination of the two but either way it made me feel like shit.

I think there is a difference between being conventionally good looking and attractive.

I am not the former but have been led to believe I am the latter - but have never tested it out as met my other half two decades ago at 24! Over the years, the (innocent) crushes I have formed have always been on women with asymmetrical faces, idiosyncratic looks and cracking personalities. When people are pretty they can sometimes just look generic to me...

As for the feeling worse when you make an effort, do you think it is because you look less authentically you. When I wear very feminine clothes it feels drag, when I wear clothes that make me feel like the best version of myself then I feel more confident and visible

Can relate to a lot of your own experiences, OP. I’m in shape but have a below average face.

I think one slightly frustrating thing is that when attractive women talk about their struggles (which I’m not invalidating, it’s heartbreaking hearing how sexual assault is a regular occurrence - similar to you OP I don’t really experience it) some may presume us ‘invisible’ women have an easier life, but I feel like they’re thinking about plain/average rather than below average/unattractive women (I fit in this category).

When you’re actually unattractive, people do treat you horribly too but in different ways. I can get on fine with most women as I’m never seen as a threat, whereas it is very rare men will like me. I’ve also noticed generally women are less judgemental when befriending unattractive people (men or women).

Now I’m not complaining about men not seeing me as attractive or being uninterested romantically but what many people don’t realise is men (even the politically correct, happily married guys at work) don’t even want to respect or befriend me. Whereas they’ll befriend other attractive women even if they’re loyal to their partner… as pp rightfully said sometimes men, specifically at work treat you differently if they don’t find you attractive? Bare minimum communication, like you aren’t worth speaking to?

The worst is public insults and bullying about my appearance, which has funnily enough nearly always been by men (at school, work, or in public by grown men who were strangers). Now I know some women will read this and say “not all men are like this” but I feel like one benefit of being an unattractive woman I see which men are genuinely nice or which are good at faking it if that makes sense. Some of my more attractive friends will say “Steve is such a funny/lovely guy” whereas the same Steve guy will have mocked my appearance.

Sometimes I feel like when I make an effort I look worse, I look like me but also with an extra layer of looking crap. Make up never seems to look right and neither does my hair.

Same here. I never like to make it obvious that I’ve put lots of effort in my appearance because I still look bad. When you’re generally unattractive, makeup can’t help that much it feels like putting lipstick on a pig.
I still wear makeup because I do look slightly better with concealer and neutral makeup but avoid bright colours and shimmer as don’t want to draw more attention which will invite even more hurtful comments. My ultimate wish is to blend more into the crowd

I also dress very “neutral” (I follow fashion trends etc, dress well but will never wear anything daring because it looks silly on me)

@IntermittentParps

I absolutely agree with Claudia Winkleman then!

I know I'm unusual in a sense.... I'm a woman with a man's confidence and I treat absolutely everybody as equals and with the same amount of respect. People in higher up positions of power can often accept me in a conversation as an equal despite my looks/contrary clothing presentation - but then you would be surprised by how they react when they see me treating people lower than them with the same respect. It's a very complex and divisive thing. If I had to define myself I'd say I'm super strong marmite and that's absolutely fine with me.

My old nan used to say that it's absolutely none of your business what other people think of you. The only thing that matters is what YOU think of you. And if you would be embarrassed by your own behaviour being splashed across the tabloids then it's a sign you are doing something wrong and need to reassess. Both of those have certainly shaped my self identity since a small child. Add in my ability to talk about really vast and unusually varied subjects (thanks bipolar special interests in random things like breeding exotics, cultivating orchids, silversmithing, learning python, cake decorating, Saxon history, Vikings, anthropology, linguistics,Green keeping etc etc) and I know absolutely it's my knowledge and approach to talking to people that makes me attractive to other people. I'm an absolute mine of random stuff and can join in most conversations easily. I'm not invited, I see a chance and I take it. I think people that are typically walk flowers take much less risk and so by default get much less in way of rewards?

Plus when I'm hypomanic people are drawn to me like flies, I must give off hormones or something?