AIBU to ask about the life experiences of unattractive women

[Iamnotattractive]

Was impressed by the recent thread about pretty privilege, and stories there. Was so different to my experience, it sounded like a different planet.

So, I am an unattractive woman, and have been all my life. No obvious single disfigurement, I just look weird, overall badly put together.

I've been asked out only twice in my life (once at 17, once at 27) - had children with the second guy, despite having serious misgivings, but he was really the only option (it did not last). Men never notice I even exist - even the ones I work with for a year or so struggle to recall my name (I don't mean the immediate team members, but someone further out). I remember all the compliments I was given in my life, as the total number is under 10 . If a guy offered to buy me a drink or offered to carry something heavy for me, my first thought would be that they have some criminal intentions - hypothetically, of course, it never happened in reality.

On the positive side, I have never experienced any inappropriate sexual attention or harassment. I don't also have to worry about losing my looks as I age - if nothing helped me at 16, nothing will help me at almost 40.

So wanted to ask other unattractive women, how does life look for you? Similar to mine?

@Iamnotattractive

Ehhh... I don't think Claudia Winkleman qualifies as unattractive.

it was her quote about how the least intersting thing about a person is the way they look

@Iamnotattractive

I bet you are attractive op. Imo everyone has something attractive about them...we don't all look like Claudia Shiffer but the media makes us feel bad if we don't so they can sell us products I understand that comments like that and "I don't know any unattractive people" come from a good place, but no. Throughout the history of mankind there have always been ugly people. Children blurt out "look, mum, that woman is so ugly!" before they are brainwashed by the media. I have seen plenty of unattractive people in my life myself, I am amazed that there are people who haven't.

I am not comparing myself to models in glossy magazines, I am not 12 . And I don't have any issues with self esteem, the intention of the thread was not to seek validation. I was just interested in lived experiences of others like me - experiences that are yes, sometimes unpleasant. Saying, indirectly, we must have imagined it all is... less kind than it seems.

This. Thank you op. No one talks about this honestly.

Im not attractive and I’ve always been invisible. I’d like to think I’m at peace with this now. I think it affects everything from friendship groups at school to the opposite sex. It can make you feel you are a horrible person but actually it’s something that you have no real control of.

I’m not attractive, but I can still be fairly confident. I was always academic and I think that boosted me and gave me identity. I have unusually bad teeth, acne, no waist and I’m a bit blokey at the edges. I look awkward in photos abs don’t stick out for the right reasons in them.
I was never the woman men zoomed in on when out or the one fancied at school, but I’ve actually met a few pleasant ordinary men in relationships. Men talk to me easily as a friend, and sometimes this develops. I tend to get respect. I’m not threatening, and have female friends. Not the in crowd or the woman who look polished, but decent people I like.
I think I can make an air around me that seems confident, though I can wobble in private. Job wise I have a good memory, qualifications and can make others feel good and that carries you a long way. I’m not confrontational at all, but I can organise and manage.
I sometimes wonder about being pretty, but it’s not over-riding.
I don’t think I’m unique in having an identity not strongly linked to my looks. One good friend is far from the beauty ideals of society. She’s though happy, has children and a loving relationship. Organises a lot locally and has a job that involves presenting to people with confidence.

(I was called ‘Freddy Krueger’ at school and the ‘girl with caved in eyes’ or ‘witch teeth’ btw, Im not pretty!)

At primary school, I was the one that all the boys dared each other to ask out & made jokes about... because I was the least desirable one. It was horrendous and destroyed my confidence I've grown into my looks though, so wouldn't stand out either way now, so largely treated with indifference by both sexes, which is fine by me (and my lovely and fit partner)

I'm dog ugly (apologies to dogs). Always have been. It's not been fun, but I can see myself being much less worried about ageing than people - women, let's face it - who are attractive. If you've only ever been a three out of ten you don't have far to fall. I used to console myself that at least I had an alright body but even that's going now. Meh.

@DDUW

Never been asked out, never been on a date.

Have any of you been ridiculed for trying to make an effort with your appearance? I used to try to wear nice clothes but I was humiliated by people finding it funny so I stopped.

Yes - I've been told that you can't polish a turd 😂

I know it's shallow and vacuous but I'd really like to take selfies. I would never do that in a million years because I hate the way I look and photos of myself nauseate me. Like others I have had people - strangers and friends - tell me I'm very unattractive and need to accept that. It does make me sad.

Always have been ugly. School was particularly bad as my school uniform was always dirty, I didn’t have money to buy my deodorant back then, deaf (and called stupid all the time - I’m not v bright but this statement reinforced my insecurity). Terrible teeth. I was avoided by everyone except when one day I was spat on by group of boys when a teacher went out of the classroom. Now overweight, pretty sad, feel I have nothing to lose in terms of being attractive. Mid fifties now. School days were horrific. I hate being deaf but back then hated more how I looked and fact that basic hygiene was lacking. Use to fantasise about being pretty.

How does one describe unatttractiveness in a person.

I agree that confidence/feeling positive about yourself can make you more attractive to other people... but I can also totally understand that if people have been told horrible things about their appearance this would make it so much harder to feel positive about themselves than for people who have been told neutral or positive things.

This is a thread for me. I was OK and average until about 8, then as I got ilder and hit ouberty, I got very ugly. No facial disfigurement, just my features were not nice at all.
As a result, I became obsessed with my appearance and my self esteem was non existent. I became horrifically shy and a basic mute. Didn't think I deserved anything or was worth anything because I was so ugly.

I was called names, ostracised at school, laughed at if I made an obvious attempt at being pretty like wearing make up or doing my hair differently. It was utterly brutal.

Never been asked out by a guy. Never been complimented by strangers. Never had any sexual harassment.

Everything is so much more difficult when you are ugly. I was utterly crippled by it.

Luckily, after leaving the school environment and getting a job, I managed to build up some dregs of confidence so I'm now only very unconfident rather than horrifically unconfident! Managed to convince two guys to be in relationships with me. Grew a tiny bit into my looks I think so I'm not quite as ugly as I was and I finally found a way to do my hair that is OK.

Also, I utterly hated being told I had body dysmorphia. What a put down. I was genuinely ugly and I hated it.

What I mean is that your ‘blueprint’ or foundation has already been shattered to pieces by horrible comments so to build that back up must be so much harder if that makes sense?

Use to fantasise about being pretty.
Even at my age, I still do sometimes. Not as a burning overpowering wish, more like - it would be really interesting to experience how life looks on the other side of the spectrum.

it was her quote about how the least intersting thing about a person is the way they look

Easy to say if you are beautiful though.

@DancinOnTheCeiling

What I mean is that your ‘blueprint’ or foundation has already been shattered to pieces by horrible comments so to build that back up must be so much harder if that makes sense?

Commenting on my own post here but a similar thing is, there is research that shows if children are neglected/abused ie those that are meant to look after them look at them with disgust/hate/indifference, those children once they can recognise themselves in a mirror look away as they don’t like what they see (as their experience of self, through their parents’ eyes, has been that of disgust/hate). Children who grow up loved and nurtured, once they recognise themselves in a mirror they look at themselves with delight as that’s what they’ve experienced. I know this isn’t about physical attractiveness but more about self worth but I wonder if it works in a similar way for attractiveness/unattractiveness - if you’re told over and over that you’re ugly that’s how you end up seeing yourself. It doesn’t mean it’s true though, in the same way that abused kids are not unworthy

I have quite a nice face but I'm obese so therefore unattractive. I used to be very attractive when I was younger and slimmer. Now I completely understand the feeling of invisibility in society, I never get any attention from anyone in public and on the plus side the sexual harassment in the street has also stopped.

I was called ugly at school. Had glasses and buck teeth followed by glasses and a brace. Did get rid of both eventually but it’s difficult to get out of that mindset. Back wearing glasses now.

I've always felt the ugly duckling and second best all my life. I married my friend who I went through school with and we're still together now. I often wonder what he sees in me as he's quite attractive.
When at college I remember being out with my friend and a group of blokes whistled at her and said oh she's out with her mother (me!). I've always struggled with my weight, which makes me feel unattractive too. I feel like I just appear in the background all of the time and don't really stand out.

I have noticed an interesting thing about two very attractive female friends (one is very pretty, both her figure and face; the other one IMO isn’t actually that pretty but slim, big boobs, blond hair and men stare at her all the time). Both are very kind, loyal, lovely, open minded, just really lovely girls, both are great mums to their dc. (They’re not friends with one another - I know one from work and one from uni). Anyway, both have real problems with friendships - they’ve been bitched about by other girls, left out, been walked all over (and I mean proper nasty stuff). I am 100% convinced it’s because those other girls have been envious (I feel so glad that I don’t have that - I mean I wouldn’t say no to looking like that but I guess I feel secure enough about myself that it doesn’t bother me that they are so much more attractive than me). I almost think it has made life worse for them than for me, for being totally judged unfairly just because they’re unattractive. One of them also seems to seen as unintelligent by people which again is not true at all and I think is because she’s so pretty. My point is, I have much better friendships, nobody judges me or envies me and I believe it’s because I’m average

That should have read because they’re attractive!

There's so much that resonates with me on this thread. I have a decent body (by no means perfect) but my face is ugly, and it's nothing that can be fixed by losing weight/removing glasses (I don't wear them)/getting a brace. I'm just ugly. I have a weak chin, undefined jaw, big nose, large forehead and hollow eyes. No man but my husband has ever shown any interest in me. Virgin till 30. I hate photos of myself and just looking in the mirror can make me cry some days. I admit I'm jealous of people who are beautiful, or even normal-looking. I'm scared my DD will look like me, I'll feel so guilty.

I'm conscious of my looks all the time. I sit with a hand on my jaw/neck to give it a bit of shape. I'm sure I'm overlooked in conversation, whether business or social, because I just don't register with the others involved. I'm aware some of this may just be psychological, but I'm sure not all of it is.

I'd give anything to peek into the heads of other people and see how they see me.

It would hurt when I was younger, especially when men would always want to talk to my friends, but never me. But now that I am well into my 40s, I also feel liberated from the pressure and unrealistic expectations, and I have no need to pander to any man.

I have also noticed people at work definitely treat you different based on appearance. One time I got sick and lost a TON of weight, and suddenly had people talking to me who had not acknowledged me for eight years. I was not impressed.

I’m not unattractive ( that I am aware of), but not stunning.

However I have noticed a difference in how men interact with me since I’ve been 35+ so I’m not sure if that’s just an age thing or linked to attraction too.

I used to find men in the work place jokey and keen to be helpful with me, also oddly kind of protective. Though more and more I am, like you describe, more invisible or treated as though I must be mumsy (dunno how to better describe it).