AIBU to ask about the life experiences of unattractive women

[Iamnotattractive]

Was impressed by the recent thread about pretty privilege, and stories there. Was so different to my experience, it sounded like a different planet.

So, I am an unattractive woman, and have been all my life. No obvious single disfigurement, I just look weird, overall badly put together.

I've been asked out only twice in my life (once at 17, once at 27) - had children with the second guy, despite having serious misgivings, but he was really the only option (it did not last). Men never notice I even exist - even the ones I work with for a year or so struggle to recall my name (I don't mean the immediate team members, but someone further out). I remember all the compliments I was given in my life, as the total number is under 10 . If a guy offered to buy me a drink or offered to carry something heavy for me, my first thought would be that they have some criminal intentions - hypothetically, of course, it never happened in reality.

On the positive side, I have never experienced any inappropriate sexual attention or harassment. I don't also have to worry about losing my looks as I age - if nothing helped me at 16, nothing will help me at almost 40.

So wanted to ask other unattractive women, how does life look for you? Similar to mine?

When I was younger I had quite a pretty face but I've always been overweight and was brought up to think of myself as fat and ugly. I think there's a certain percentage of men who only notice women in terms of sex. If they wouldn't want to have sex with you, they do not even notice you exist. That's insulting for EVERY woman, but when you have to work with men who have this attitude, it's impossible. You cannot get through to them on any level. The maybe ten per cent of men who talk to you as a person are so refreshing.

The amount of people here that think they’re unattractive is sad, just because men don’t ask you out or harass you doesn’t mean that makes you unattractive.

If you think you’re not not pretty or plain then you’re already putting that energy out there for people to feel, how you feel about you is what matters. Every person has something about them.
I have a niece that is stunning and such a lovely person but men don’t give her attention, she’s shy and anxious. Other girls her age 18 have had multiple boyfriends ect she’s never kissed a boy, when I say she’s stunning she’s the double of Shakira and the body, boys never approached her still don’t, she’s so awkward and the girls around her are easy going, I found that boys don’t always go for pretty ones, a lot go for ones they know that they can get what they want from or easy going personalities.
Maybe a lot of people including OP are making yourselves unapproachable because you feel like you’re not pretty, how you view you isn’t how others do.

I really don’t think it’s to do with confidence at all! When I was slim I always got attention even though I was terribly shy and lacked confidence then , so no not buying “it’s about how you feel about yourself😑” there’s lots of studies that have proven that attractive people get better treatment

I agree that a lot of attraction is about personality and, for want of a less airy word, aura. People can feel more attractive when they have a brilliant personality and the opposite is true.

However I think we have to be realistic that some people are just very attractive and others aren’t. Sadly I do think that physical attractiveness does feature into how men in particular interact with women in a fairly wide ranging way.I also think things about our appearance in general (like clothes/make up etc) lead people to make assumptions about who we are and what we’re like as people. In turn affecting how they interact with us.

In college I was The Duff- the designated ugly, fat friend. My friends would be okay until some bloke showed up to chat them up and if in a group I would be the punchline to all the tossers jokes, my friends would laugh along and I was expected to laugh it off, eventually I walked away from the lot of them. I have very few friends, trust very few people and my partner never told me I'm beautiful, pretty or even that l look nice when dressed up for a night out. When I found out he cheated, by seeing messages to the ow, every other message was how beautiful she was and how she was worth so much to him. So I've spent my life as The Duff and am the first person people turned to if they needed help, as one of life's shit shovelers it was expected that I would be grateful to be doing others dirty work, to always be on call for a CF. I'm mainly invisible in life, last on the list for parties or fun events, it can be lonely at times but I'm trying to cultivate a better relationship with me. Sorry but that's long and depressing.

I genuinely can't think of any "ugly" people I know - this is really sad to read.

@TurnUpTurnip

I really don’t think it’s to do with confidence at all! When I was slim I always got attention even though I was terribly shy and lacked confidence then , so no not buying “it’s about how you feel about yourself😑” there’s lots of studies that have proven that attractive people get better treatment

@TurnUpTurnip I do get what you’re saying but how many absolute minging men do we see that cheat on pretty girls and think how’s he even managed to get one girl let alone cheat 16 times… Iv been out with some frights and people say what was you thinking. It is confidence mainly abs if a man has something about them, I think it’s mainly arrogance or confidence I dunno but they have the gift of the gab that works. They cheat and it leaves everyone confused.

Like I said I got loads of attention when I was slim even though I still didn’t have any confidence so we will have to agree to disagree, I think men are generally more attracted to slim pretty women regardless of confidence or not

The amount of people here that think they’re unattractive is sad, just because men don’t ask you out or harass you doesn’t mean that makes you unattractive.

@Hertsgirl10

I mean yeah, I guess I kind of agree - just because men don’t ask you out or treat you badly doesn’t automatically mean you’re unattractive.

I’m sure someone as stunning as Margot Robbie wasn’t the most asked out girl at her school because many guys would have been too intimidated.

But I know I’m unattractive because I also have self awareness and own a mirror
This thread specifically asked for unattractive women to share their experiences so there’s going to be more posters who think they’re unattractive.

You also mentioned “minging” men who still cheat in your other post, so surely you do agree it’s not just about personality - some people just aren’t physically attractive (but that includes us women!).

I can understand you mean well and agree some women are ”negged” by men into thinking they’re less attractive than they actually are. But think you’re still slightly missing point of thread asking for unattractive women’s experiences (who do exist and not the same as women who think they are less attractive than they are)

Sadly, seems being an unattractive woman seems to affect you harder than being an unattractive man. I do agree with parts of your post though, much more likely to see couples where the man is less attractive than the woman

@drumandhake

What I dislike is the way that your other merits have to be ten times what more conventionally attractive people have. For example, I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty funny, I can come up with smart remarks pretty quickly. Used to drive me mad when I would come out with gold only for a 8/10 with a midriff top was told she was 'hilarious' for re-spouting a line from Friends. It's almost like some men feel like if they compliment you in any way you'll get the wrong idea and latch onto them like a lost puppy. Also, the pity shags and lying about it afterwards. Started in secondary when the hot boy from school took my virginity and would not admit to it afterwards. Then there's the guys who try to kiss you at the work do and then don't even acknowledge by the printer on Monday. Dicks.

This really resonated. I lost my virginity to a boy I really liked, only to find out he had a bet with his friends as to how many girls he could sleep with last summer.

I've also been the funny fat friend, no-one ever really paid me attention or asked me out. I went out with one guy who I didn't fancy, just to have a boyfriend.

But somehow I seemed to blossom after 40. I think losing weight helped but then so did starting new hobbies and becoming friends with people who shared similar interests.

how many absolute minging men do we see that cheat on pretty girls and think how’s he even managed to get one girl let alone cheat 16 times

In a few words - it's different for men. Women are far more likely to look beyond a man's appearance because he's got a great sense of humour or he's intelligent or he's simply a decent bloke in a sea of players. Aside from that, if a man is wealthy enough he'll always be able to attract some women - often openly on a transactional basis (think the 'Sugar Daddy' websites and so on).

How often do you see an ugly woman with a stunning bloke? I'm not saying it never happens, but it's very rare.

I have experienced both sides of this. When I was younger I wasn’t exactly stunning perhaps but I was rather beautiful - very pretty would likely have been the consensus although it feels cringeworthy to say it myself. But a lot has changed in the last twelve years - I’ve gained a lot of weight, my teeth have gone wonky, my skin isn’t faring well and it was only youth and slimness that gave my face definition - I don’t have much bone structure like jawline or cheekbone so my face is like a moon now. I don’t highlight my hair anymore so it’s a dull brown and I’ve never been great at make up so largely don’t bother. I haven’t kept up with the times in terms of fashion either. I’m a tired mum of four and that is exactly what I look like. I’m not ugly but I am a plain Jane these days, completely nondescript and lacking any sex appeal. I remember how I used to be treated by men - occasionally sleezy unwanted attention which I’m glad to be shot of but mostly it was good experiences - men of all ages and walks of life were lovely to me, just lovely. There are still men out there who are just plain nice and treat everyone nicely but generally, I am more invisible these days. I didn’t used to get the blank looks and brief responses I get now. It’s ok though, I think it’s natural.

@Jakarta

The amount of people here that think they’re unattractive is sad, just because men don’t ask you out or harass you doesn’t mean that makes you unattractive.

@Hertsgirl10

I mean yeah, I guess I kind of agree - just because men don’t ask you out or treat you badly doesn’t automatically mean you’re unattractive.

I’m sure someone as stunning as Margot Robbie wasn’t the most asked out girl at her school because many guys would have been too intimidated.

But I know I’m unattractive because I also have self awareness and own a mirror
This thread specifically asked for unattractive women to share their experiences so there’s going to be more posters who think they’re unattractive.

You also mentioned “minging” men who still cheat in your other post, so surely you do agree it’s not just about personality - some people just aren’t physically attractive (but that includes us women!).

I can understand you mean well and agree some women are ”negged” by men into thinking they’re less attractive than they actually are. But think you’re still slightly missing point of thread asking for unattractive women’s experiences (who do exist and not the same as women who think they are less attractive than they are)

Sadly, seems being an unattractive woman seems to affect you harder than being an unattractive man. I do agree with parts of your post though, much more likely to see couples where the man is less attractive than the woman

@Jakarta You’re right, after I commented I realised that I haven’t actually experienced what people have experienced on this post and was sharing from my point of view, things Iv seen and I can see where I contradicted myself my saying minging men.. I meant it by meaning no matter what anyone looks like it’s how a person makes others react to how they feel about themselves. But I realise it’s not as simple as that and ironically am probably using this whole ‘privilege’ as I am presuming things can be this simple I haven’t been through anything like this.

I still find it all so sad and I suppose I have always been a fixer and never want others to feel bad, but I see where I went wrong here.

I have always been the unattractive one in the family and in my teens was a chunky monkey. People have used me for sex and that’s all my fault as I was craving attention . I’ve been abused and mistreated all my life.
I can’t remember my mum or dad saying they love me, ever!
I’ve always struggled with my weight but the only person that has said he loves me for me is my husband of 18 years. He’s the only person who has consistently been nice to me.

@ArchwizardTVampirebat

how many absolute minging men do we see that cheat on pretty girls and think how’s he even managed to get one girl let alone cheat 16 times

In a few words - it's different for men. Women are far more likely to look beyond a man's appearance because he's got a great sense of humour or he's intelligent or he's simply a decent bloke in a sea of players. Aside from that, if a man is wealthy enough he'll always be able to attract some women - often openly on a transactional basis (think the 'Sugar Daddy' websites and so on).

How often do you see an ugly woman with a stunning bloke? I'm not saying it never happens, but it's very rare.

Completely agree - women will date unattractive men because they are kind/funny/geeky/clever, whereas men will talk about how they love "geeky/clever girls" with the unmentioned caveat that those girls must also OF COURSE be attractive.

The trope of the cute geek girl must be cute first, as that's what makes the geek part a bonus. A fat unattractive geek girl generally doesn't even register as "dateably female" in my experience, shes just random fat person scenery.

I got told once that I looked quite pretty when I looked down! Thanks for that . I have a crooked big nose, fat cheeks, fat arse and fat thighs , small tits. Hillocks to it all I’d rather me than have a face full of fillers and Botox and look like every other duck face sour puss

Hillocks to it all I’d rather me than have a face full of fillers and Botox and look like every other duck face sour puss

Yes. I'd love to be naturally beautiful - even quirkily beautiful - but I wouldn't want an artificially created identikit instagram hot-babe look.

Plastic surgery wouldn't in any case work for me - much of my unattractiveness is in my huge, square jaw, coupled with small, deep-set eyes and a heavy brow, and nothing's going to change my bone structure.

Interesting thread.

I have been overweight at various times in my life (including now)and it is interesting to note how men will literally not talk to you or only talk to you if they have to when you're fat.

My friend is very pretty and when we used to go to a hobby club together, the men would fall over themselves to talk to her and she would be full of how nice and friendly or generous a certain man was etc etc. And I would think WTF as the same man had blanked me earlier.

This thread reminds me of a university friend of mine who was very plain with a huge nose. She used to get insulted in the street by strange men. Happily she is now married to a lovely man and has a great life as far as I know.

I've actually been physically attacked by a stranger for being ugly. I mean, the girl was drunk, but in vino veritas and all that. Also had comments from randoms. What really grinds me down though is what some other posters have mentioned, which is that some people just don't acknowledge my existence. I'd rather have the physical attack - at least them I can defend myself, and it's clear to others what the attacker is like. If I ever complained about subtle dismissiveness or unfriendliness, people would think I was silly.

I agree your personality can make you sparkle and be vivacious but it is incredibly hard to be confident and outgoing though when people have called you ugly.I spent years walking round looking down because I didn't want to offend people with my ugliness. I stopped smiling because I was told I looked worse when I smiled. I stopped wearing makeup because as someone else said it was like putting lipstick on a pig. I could never actually believe it when some people seemed to like me, how could they, when I was so ugly, I think you stop expecting it. I am now older and it really doesn't matter. During my 30s and 40s I sort of grew into my face and made the best of myself and learned what suited me and emphasised my best bits and they were my happiest times. I had children who thought their mum was beautiful. But I agree so many times I was the friend who people talked to to get to know my other friends. I was even told I was a much nicer more interesting person but it made no difference. It is hard.

I’ve been harassed and called ugly in the street. Only in the UK, mind, and I don’t live there any more. I’m short and fat and bespectacled and have impossible frizzy hair, also an unusual face that at least seems memorable for people. With the aid of a hairdryer and a make up bag and a bit of care in my attire, I can scrub up decently and just kind of forget about it all. On the other side, I don’t care about getting older because I was not a great looker anyway and at least staying out of the sun means my skin is in good nick for my age. I have a lovely DP and our circle of friends is largely made up of very geeky people into history and archaeology, we’d rather have Mary Beard than Claudia Schiffer come round for dinner.

Oh - honestly - has the world really come to this? I'm older than a lot of Mumsnetters, and it seems to me that so much of what we fought for in the 20th cent has completely disappeared. Things have gone backwards, in fact. Badly backwards.

When I was younger, we we not generally attacked or insulted because of our looks. Perhaps some of us might be ignored - but there are much worse things than that. We also had (and I don't mean to be impolite) a lot more self respect. If a man wanted sex with us, he jolly well had to show that he was worth us bothering about. WE chose, not him. (We might be flattered, bullied, cajoled etc into saying yes. But still -unless rape - it was not a male decison. At least for many of us.) It's really tragic that this situation has been reversed.

Of course - and this shows oppression of a different kind, and in part explains our attitude way back then - there was no morning after pill, and women who had babies out of wedlock were not well treated.

In the 17th cent, a famous French philosopher said that 'if a plain woman is loved she is truly loved' - in other words, she is loved for all her characteristics and qualities APART from her looks. Her looks are there, and they matter, but they are NOT the most important consideration. And I really do think that is true. Even today.

Really, really want to stress that I'm not criticising, and feel so sad to hear some of your experiences.

I don't know whether we can ever turn the clock back. But sometimes I think it might perhaps be good - at least in some senses - if we could.

With respect maybe it's not the way you look, but the way you come across as in victim mentality, and negative vibes.
I know many ordinary looking women, l won't use the word unattractive as beauty is not just skin deep, but they just shine, they have this glow, and energy and vitality that makes them attractive, and attractive to be around.
We.have all been through shit, life makes no allowances for the beautiful ones. Illness, bereavement, financial worries, problems with kids, work,.partners, family, friends, etc affects us all,.It how you respond to it, that makes the difference.

It's not so much the way you look, but your mentality and attitude that defines you,.looks are only fleeting.