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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed DH is going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam?

926 replies

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 18:57

DH is going on a stag weekend after Christmas to Amsterdam and too be honest, I am not too happy about it. I have heard what really goes on and why men go there, i.e. sex shops, brothels, live sex shows etc.

The blokes he is going with are a bunch of knobs. I have heard the majority of them frequent these types of places (only from what DH has said).

DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam .

AIBU to be annoyed about him going? I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today and keep thinking all sorts about what they will get up too.

Whatever happened to guys going for a few beers at the local? It seems the norm for stag weekends to be held abroad nowadays. WHY is that?

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 22:14

Message withdrawn

frostythesnowmum · 10/12/2007 22:16

Women are as bad as some men one girl I know shagged a stranger standing up by a wall in a local bar on her hen do - if they are going to stray they will where ever they are.

Blondilocks · 10/12/2007 22:19

I agree with those that have said that if he's going to be unfaithful he doesn't need to go abroad in order to do it & to be honest I doubt he would've told you if he was intending to be unfaithful.

I went to Amsterdam with my OH a few months ago. & yes we went to the red light district because I had never been anywhere like that & was curious, and in my opinion it wasn't that sleazy considering what goes on there. Most of the people there were couples & hardly any groups of men.

I've also been to a rather posh area of Portugal this year & there the prostitutes could just be seen along the side of the road into town!

Has he ever given you reason not to be trusted? I think whatever his friends say or want to do they're unlikely to be able to persuade him to do things if he didn't want to do them.

Ubergeekian · 10/12/2007 22:22

If he's going to stray, would you rather it was a brief, sordid, financial transaction in a different country ... or as an emotional entanglement nearer home?

That said, I think you're being entirely reasonable to feel hurt and apprehensive, and entirely reasonable to tell him that you are, and why.

WestCountryLass · 10/12/2007 22:22

JinglyJangly, DH and I have been together for ten years and have been to Amsterdam together before he went for his stag do. Other than me saying 'did you have a good time, what clubs did you go to and what drugs did you take' and him telling me, I didn't ask him whether he shagged any prositutes because it has never occurred to me to ask him Likewise, when I went on my hen night he never asked me whether I shagged anyone either.

CloudAtlas · 10/12/2007 22:23

People always post the "your problem is with your relationship, not Amsterdam/the weekend away/the lad's night out" whenever these types of posts come up. The point is that yes, that might well be the case, but what are we to do about the lack of trust in our relationships? Should we realise that a relationship with a lack of trust in this way is destructive, and end the relationship, or do we accept that perhaps we could have married someone we trust more, but that DH is a great father, a good husband (mostly) and fire fight the problems regarding trust when they arise. This is all op is doing, she isn't asking for advice on how to deal with her lack of trust for her DH or the friends he choses to spend time with, she isn't asking for a lonely planet guide to Amsterdam, she is merely saying; I don't necessarily trust my OH, I don't want him to go to Amsterdam (which like it or not is notorious for being somewhere it is easy to find prostitutes) for a stag do where he is with lots of other men who will intersted in sleeping with prostitutes. How should I handle it?
All you lucky people with men you can trust, fantstic, I envy you, you are lucky, the alternative is unimaginable for you, but in a parallel universe it could have been you posting the op. In a parallel universe it is me posting the "your relationship is the problem, how could you possibly stay with a man you don't trust? I trust my OH implicitly" type reply.

Should say iykwim at this point

JodieG1 · 10/12/2007 22:25

The difference is why they go there in the first place. Let's not get all defensive about the place it's just the reasons why men go there that is the general problem. Most stag parties go there for the red light district/sex shows etc and not for the culture. Yes the city has culture etc etc but that's not why men go there on stag dos is it.

A lot of men that go on stag dos end up being naughty with women in one way or another and rarely tell their partners.

JodieG1 · 10/12/2007 22:28

I trust my dh totally but I still feel what I said in recent posts. I've seen from experience what men get up to.

JodieG1 · 10/12/2007 22:29

Experience being with friends etc and not with the men btw!

PortAndLemonaid · 10/12/2007 22:29

I thought the question was "AIBU to be annoyed about him going?"

MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 22:31

Message withdrawn

mrspnut · 10/12/2007 22:31

Don't tar all men with the same brush - I know my OH went there and didn't do anything I would disapprove of because he's the most honest and upfront bloke in the world. Some of the other blokes who were on the same stag do also restrained themselves. In fact the minority were the men who indulged, but they were all the ones who'd try to chat up women in bars in the uk, and wouldn't be adverse to cheating anyway.

Only you know your partner well enough to be able to tell whether the problem is yours or his.

MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 22:36

Message withdrawn

ExDhsNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 10/12/2007 22:38

I think dh has been on so many stag dos I am an expert on the subject!

The thing that bugs me most is this 'what goes on on tour stays on tour' bollocks mentality. It's infidelity whether people are on tour or not.

Anyway I digress. Believe me there have been times I would have loved to have banned dh from going on a stag but you can't do that. Amongst other reasons he will be made to feel really stupid with the other guys if he is banned by his dw and this could just make him resentful.

Dh went on a stag to Amsterdam and frankly two of the guys did visit prostitutes and I'm sure they all went to sleazy clubs. Only you know whether your dh is the type who would be swayed by peer pressure if all the others are getting sleazy in a brothel.
I know my dh would actually say no he didn't want to even if the others all did - he is his own man....well that's my best guess anyway!

ExDhsNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 10/12/2007 22:39

and ps. if he did ever do anything naughty and I found out as my name suggests I'd roast his nuts on an open fire!

CloudAtlas · 10/12/2007 22:42

true MF, if they are going for a lovely wholesome drink and drug fueled weekend, and then at some point in the night decid that they'd like to pay for sex, then yes, it could happen anywhere. The point is that the stag do is in Amsterdam, and judging by the sorts of people that are going on the stag do, imo it looks like they are going with the intention of paying for sex. The fact it is Amsterdam makes little difference to what actually happens, but it gives a lot away about what the stag's intentions.

mistletoehangingFromtheGirders · 10/12/2007 22:45

Not sure whether you're being unreasonable or not. It's difficult if you're not sure how trustable your dh is.
Maybe I can make you feel a little better.
DH went on a stag week to Las Vegas last year. In principle I didn't have a problem with it, but as the costs mounted up, it got difficult not to be a little resentful. We had to save up for a long time. But I did get my own share afterwards, and i had two hen nights on consecutive weekends earlier this year.

MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 22:57

Message withdrawn

CloudAtlas · 10/12/2007 23:02

No, you've either missed my point or I've waffled, most likely to be the latter! I mean, yes, it may be Amsterdam, I've been to Amsterdam, and I didn't sleep with anyone nor did I intend to. (I went for a girlie weekend on a riverboat. We ate well, went to nice bars and sat up until 7am snorting coke and playing think while you drink.) It was a million miles away from the intention to sleep with a prostitute, my point is that it seems that the intention of some of the people in the party OPs OH is travelling with may actually have booked Amsterdam with the intention of sleeping with prostitutes whi9le they are there. Not that necessarily everyone who goes to Amsterdam has the same intention. Hmmmmm.

PortAndLemonaid · 10/12/2007 23:14

But the same people apparently had the same intention when they went to Edinburgh. Presumably they'd have the same intention if they went to Bognor Regis, or East Grinstead, or Wolverhampton. So the issue isn't really "going to a stag weekend in Amsterdam" as "going to a stag weekend with this particular group at all".

MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 23:19

Message withdrawn

CloudAtlas · 10/12/2007 23:28

was fab!!! would love to do it again!

agalch · 11/12/2007 07:04

Sorry was ds2s bday yesterday and wasn't online after my one and only post.

Have had loads of blokes telling me what really goes on on these stag do's and guys holidays(dh and db told me some horrible stories)

The blokes who behaved badly eg shagging prostitutes etc were the married/or had a partner and or kids.

They all cover for each other and wifey knows nothing of what goes on Well usually until one got an STD. So for every wife who swears blind that their dh would never misbehave,how do you really know??

I think that your average dh/dp who wouldn't do anything naughty at home could be daft when away with the lads boozing,add in a bit of peer pressure and you never know what might go on.

Minum · 11/12/2007 07:16

My DH went to a stag weekend in Amsterdam, and I am totally and utterly confident he did nothing that I would be unhappy about. I trust him in all circumstances. I go away a lot on my own, and I know he trusts me too.

The only thing that disappointed me was that I wanted us to go together for the first time to Amsterdam, but now hes been there without me.

Bouncingturtle · 11/12/2007 07:16

I wouldn't stop my Dh going to Amsterdam.
In fact he was invited to a stag do there earlier this year but couldn't go because we already had plans for that weekend.
But he would have gone with my blessing and I would be not in the slightest bit concerned. The men that went on the stag do had a great time, visited the red light district but didn't go to any brothels, spent most of their time drinking very expensive beer. None of their other halves had any concerns about them, And the photos were highly amusing .
I'm with Haylstone. I trust my DH implicitly. If you don't then there is something seriously wrong in your relationship. You can't have a long lasting relationship without trust I'm afraid.
And I wouldn't dream of forbidding my DH from doing something like this - any more than he would have tried to stop going to Dublin for a friend's hen night!