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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed DH is going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam?

926 replies

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 18:57

DH is going on a stag weekend after Christmas to Amsterdam and too be honest, I am not too happy about it. I have heard what really goes on and why men go there, i.e. sex shops, brothels, live sex shows etc.

The blokes he is going with are a bunch of knobs. I have heard the majority of them frequent these types of places (only from what DH has said).

DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam .

AIBU to be annoyed about him going? I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today and keep thinking all sorts about what they will get up too.

Whatever happened to guys going for a few beers at the local? It seems the norm for stag weekends to be held abroad nowadays. WHY is that?

OP posts:

JodieG1 · 10/12/2007 20:37

On a stag do a lot of men will be going to get pissed and probably perv, more so in Amsterdam imo. I also think a lot of men won't be telling the truth when they come home and no matter how much you trust them, noone really knows if someone else is lying or what they've been up to. Yes that works for everywhere but I do think it's easier to get more into the "lads" mentality when you're surrounded by naked women and drunk friends.

Original poster

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 20:45

That made me laugh MotherFunk. Yeah, a gang of 20 lads chose Amsterdam as a stag destination for its art, culture and architecture .

OP posts:

VanillaPumpkin · 10/12/2007 20:47

I am afraid I think YABU. If you don't trust him to go off on a stag weekend with his mates then there are bigger issues there. I would never be annoyed with my DH for going (in fact I would encourage him to get out more but that is another issue .)

Original poster

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 20:50

Jodie - I second that.

What worries me I guess is a few years ago DH went on a stag w'end to Edinburgh & the guy who's stag party it was couldn't wait to get to a brothel (and he did) and boasted about what he got up to.

This same guy is going on this particular stag party unfortunately (I can't stand him), he is always sleazing onto women when he's out. The others aren't much better.

I am going to have to talk about this to DH tomorrow.

OP posts:

lizandlulu · 10/12/2007 20:55

just let him know how worried you are that he my be lead astray. although i know if i said this to my dh, he would turn it in to a big argument about how he thinks i dont trust him.
or maybe just explain how the very thought of him just being in a 'redlight' district upsets you.
you obviously are very upset about the whole thing, so should tell him how you feel.

poppy34 · 10/12/2007 21:04

Jingly can see why you feel this way.

tbh what would worry me was not going to amsterdam (I've been on a girly weekend and as lots of people have said altough this goes on its not compulsory .) I can;t comment on whether you are worried re dh being faithful (it doesnt sound like it )but as others have said there is a major health issue there as well as a trust issue.

What woudl really bother me was that my dh was so sadly pathetic and such a lad that he thought that this was a sensible and appropriate celebration. When did behaving in a sub loaded/nuts way that revolves in a large way around objectifying or harassing women and binge drinking become a good way to "celebrate" marriage ? I would apply this equally to any similar hen do

Sorry but I'd be very disappointed that instead of marrying a grown up who was respectful of the opposite sex and not a kid of about 17 , I'd suddenly woken up married to mr nuts reader who would trade me in for page 3 keeley and a lowered m3 with underlighting...

Amethyst86 · 10/12/2007 21:21

Jingly Jangly, Is it possible that our DH have been invited to the same stag do? because this is currently the main topic of conversation in our house also. DH wishes to go on one in March and i too have the same concerns as you - brothels and friends being complete knobs etc.

I do have concerns but I am not the type to stop him from going so we shall see. What I hate is the idea that I wouldn t know what he got up to anyway so there would be me being all pleased to see him when he got back but not knowing what went on. I would not want to ban it but it makes me feel cool towards him and he is not even decided on going yet.

JodieG1 · 10/12/2007 21:26

Poppy I really agree with you on the marriage comments. How is the stag do celebrating getting married? I don't get how it's the "last night of freedom" as surely that means a last night of sex and doing what they like but also nothing stops them going out when they're married so there's no reason to go out for one last time. They're not single so it's not as if they can/should be getting up to anything.

Seems odd that stag/hen dos are now a weekend affair, sometimes week, abroad and not just a night down the local and a few drinks.

Original poster

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 21:29

This stag do is also in March (first week of March I think).

I am going to have a chat to him tomorrow & tell him I don't want him to go.

I have been to Amsterdam & believe me, it is one hell of a sleazy place despite what others have said on here. Ok, admittedly there are some nice parts of Amsterdam, but 20 men on a stag do are not going for the Architecture or Art.

OP posts:

WestCountryLass · 10/12/2007 21:29

My DH went to Amsterdam for his stag weekend but he just got caned every night and went clubbing.

If you can't trust him to go away for the weekend that is more worrying imo.

paulaplumpbottom · 10/12/2007 21:31

I lived in Amsterdam for a year and I know what its like. I don't mind dh going on stag nights but he can't go there. I have seen what goes on.

frostythesnowmum · 10/12/2007 21:33

My dh goes away with mates at least once or twice a year and has done the usual prague, amsterdam etc. I have no problem with it at all and enjoy the break without him Last year he arranged for me to spend a few days at center parks with a friend and our toddlers whilst he was working as a pay off for his jollies.
Next year he is going to spain for a weekend, I would of gone away again but will be about 7 months pregnant so will stay at home but I'll expect at least a spa day on his return
I don't worry about my dh being unfaithful as I trust him but last time one of his friends did go to a brothel and dh and the rest of them did the usual lap dancing bars - i'm quite lucky in that my bil goes too so I have a spy!!!
I just don't get not allowing your dh to do something he wants, that is fun that he would enjoy. But it works both ways and you should expect the same freedom if something crops up that you want to do.

Original poster

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 21:34

WCL - How do you know this is what he did in Amsterdam? It's only what he told you.

I just don't get why blokes have to go all the way to Amsterdam or Prague knowing these places have a reputation for the live shows and brothels, when they could quite happily have a good time here in the UK. Plus all the expense . I just don't get it.

OP posts:

mrspnut · 10/12/2007 21:39

My OH went on a stag do to Amsterdam a few years ago. The stag and his mates are a bunch of twonks - they all think they're god's gift and spend most weekends taking drugs and getting drunk whilst leering at women.

My OH went to school with the stag and they've stayed in touch so he went and got drunk for most of the weekend.

They did visit a brothel, and he told me that he'd been very pissed and had no money so he managed to avoid the women (they weren't interested once they knew he had no money on him) and he then told me all the rest of the gossip from the weekend.

Even after all that, I'd let him go again tomorrow. When we started this relationship, we decided that we wanted to be together. We said that we'd be monogamous and that we'd trust each other.

I couldn't live in a relationship where there wasn't trust and freedom to be who I wanted to be.

frostythesnowmum · 10/12/2007 21:41

Boys will be boys they like strippers and lets face it a stag night is the only time they can get to see them with out getting some serious shit from us They go away so they don't have to come home back to real life so soon and so we don't see how pathetically leathered they get. But in my experience they are glad to be home when it's all over and they miss us and our lo's when they are away

MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 21:45

Message withdrawn

frostythesnowmum · 10/12/2007 21:47

My bil says watching a sex show is about as personal and as erotic as having a wank with your gran in the room

MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 21:53

Message withdrawn

lizandlulu · 10/12/2007 21:55

IMO, i wouldnt care how many 'sex shows' he went to. as long as he didnt participate!

frostythesnowmum · 10/12/2007 21:55

Last time my dh went away without me on his return he shagged me senseless and I am now expecting no. 2

tribpot · 10/12/2007 22:03

Actually - I don't care what you think you know about Amsterdam! It is 100% not the place you are describing based on one night there when you were inter-railing. If it is everything you fear about what your dh might do, that's not Amsterdam's fault, that will be the case regardless.

You have an issue to deal with. Stop projecting it on to Amsterdam.

MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 22:04

Message withdrawn

JodieG1 · 10/12/2007 22:06

You only have to post on a predominately male forum to find out what they think about Amsterdam and what really goes on there....

MotherFunk · 10/12/2007 22:10

Message withdrawn

tribpot · 10/12/2007 22:11

Or you only have to know lots of guys who live in/go to Amsterdam to know that, whilst a minority of guys go there for one purpose only, most people go there to have a holiday. Before dh and I met, he was invited on a 'holiday' to Russia, which was basically framed as "hey, the Russian ladies are so desperate for currency, we are quids in". This isn't Amsterdam, people. And in Russia they don't have the protection that Dutch prostitutes have.

Of course there are people who see Amsterdam/the Netherlands in this light. If the OP's dh is one, she has an issue to deal with. Stag and hen parties have got seriously out of control and into weekend-long sessions, that's one thing. The legality or not of prostitution is not the deciding factor in what this gang of males get up to this weekend.

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