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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DH being awful?

206 replies

CBB2021 · 19/10/2021 19:35

DH and I have had our fair share of problems. DH grew up in an abusive home and we’ve both worked hard to help him work through his issues. I have forgiven a lot.

We have a beautiful DD who is 14 months and I’m current pregnant again, but early days so exhausted and feeling sick. DD is ill again tonight with a bad cough and fast breathing. We’ve been debating since 4 whether to take her to hospital. DH persisting with see how she goes, we can monitor her. In the end I said no she’s going to hospital I know this isn’t right. Only one parent allowed in at the moment so I said, shall I drop you off? He said why wouldn’t you go in?!

I said look I’m trying to keep this baby OK, can you take DD, I’m not sure I can cope with that at the moment. He then goes into a rant how ever since I’ve been pregnant I’m constantly ‘taking the easy option’. We have had three rows on this so far with him basically saying I’m a cop out at the moment.

I’m worried sick about DD and of course worried about this pregnancy. I’m so upset at how he’s treated me too. Perhaps I’m tired and hormonal and being unreasonable. I just feel like a good man wouldn’t of done that to their pregnant wife.

OP posts:
WakeMeUpin22 · 19/10/2021 19:42

I would rather go in with my daughter and id still do it if I was pregnant. Your responsibilities don't stop because you are pregnant.

But... he is also being unreasonable because he isn't being supportive

louise987 · 19/10/2021 19:43

I'm with you OP, I'd expect my husband to go with DD if I were pregnant, however, with the raging hormones of pregnancy I'd want him to check with me on my preference as it's likely I may have demanded to be with DD dependent on the situation.

It sounds like the issue here is him assuming things without talking to you, on which I don't think you are BU.

The debating to go into hospital is one I have regularly, it normally results in me calling 111 and letting them decide whether or not we need further assessment.

I hope your DD is alright, and I hope you & baby are doing ok.

NoKnit · 19/10/2021 19:43

As a mother myself if I felt one of my children needed hospital attention there is no way I wouldn't be going into the hospital with them. So your post does confuse me a bit. Are you certain she needs hospital attention? If so regardless of your husbands mood or current situation then take your child to the hospital. I am not sure what posting on the Internet helps with here. Hope your child is better soon.

Whatthefandango · 19/10/2021 19:46

I think it’s ok to expect him to go. Be prepared for the judging though. I think it’s great that you are looking after yourself and the baby and there’s nothing wrong with dad going

CoffeeRunner · 19/10/2021 19:46

Personally I would (and did) go to the hospital with my eldest child whilst pregnant.

But it's also totally not unreasonable to ask DH to go. Why does he feel it has to be you?

WitchyNameChange · 19/10/2021 19:47

I'd absolutely have gone in with her - and I have done. Being pregnant and feeling naff doesn't mean you stop parenting your existing children. Of course your DH could've done it but your reason for not doing so is pretty crap.

FawnFrenchieMum · 19/10/2021 19:48

Doesn’t sound like she actually needs hospital if you’ve spent this much time debating it!

He’s being a bit unreasonable but it is ‘usually’ mums that do the hospital trips. My DH doesn’t know half of the answers to all the medical questions. He’ll take the children now they are teens but wouldn’t have when they were small (unless he was alone and it was an emergency obviously).

SophieHatterPendragon · 19/10/2021 19:51

Pregnancy isn’t really an excuse to just stop being a parent. I agree he could have taken her in but personally I would have gone in (and did on many occasions! When I was pregnant)

Pregnancy is harder when you’ve already got one because you don’t get all the rest you did when it was just you but that’s just life really. Unless you’re suffering with really bad HG or PGP or something

Dishwashersaurous · 19/10/2021 19:51

Who do you think your child will want?

Many children when they are ill want their mother

Original poster
CBB2021 · 19/10/2021 19:53

I just felt like I needed DH to look after DD and for me to look after myself and this baby. My legs are aching and I’ve been sick twice today. I just thought the best strategy would be to do it this way. I know my responsibilities don’t end because I’m pregnant again.

I’m sitting at home worried sick.

OP posts:
NavyNails2 · 19/10/2021 19:54

If your daughter is having issues with her breathing so much so that you are contemplating taking her to A&E, please just get her to a hospital rather wasting time arguing with your husband and writing on Mumsnet. I hope she makes a speedy recovery.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 19/10/2021 19:55

It’s not unreasonable to ask your husband to go, no.

I wonder if he assumed you’d take her since you’re the one wanting her to go now? He personally wants to wait, so thinks that since you made the decision, it would be you that did it.

Or maybe your husband thought he’d be stepping on your toes (silly as that may be. He’s equally the parent after all). Im currently pregnant. But if my older dc needed to go to hospital, I’d want to be the one to go with them. I’d be (irrationally) upset if my husband said I shouldn’t. That’s not to say it should be you, but it’s possible he’s stereotyping.

SylvanasWindrunner · 19/10/2021 19:57

Perhaps he was reluctant because he thinks she didn't need to go in the first place?

SparklyLeprechaun · 19/10/2021 19:59

I found your stance confusing as well. Since you're the one worried enough to insist taking dd to hospital, and he's not, why wouldn't you go in? If you're worried sick about dd, wouldn't you be even more worried if you weren't with her? I know I would.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/10/2021 19:59

I'm not sure. It sounds like you think she needs to go to the hospital and he doesn't, so it does seem a bit unfair for you to unilaterally decide he should take her. It doesn't sound clear cut that she needs hospital at all, have you thought about ringing 111 and seeing what they say?

I think it is unfair to suggest you are more concerned about your unborn child than he is.

Is there any chance you are looking for tangible evidence of his care for you because there are issues elsewhere in the relationship?

MyCatDribbles · 19/10/2021 20:00

I think the thing here is that you’re deciding that she needs to go to hospital, not him, but you decided that he would take her without checking with him, when there’s no real reason it must be him to take her.

2020nymph · 19/10/2021 20:00

I think you staying at home is the best option. There are a lot of viruses including Covid. It seems foolhardy to risk it if your DD is happy to go with her dad.

I would def take her to hospital, my LO has been in hospital twice with breathing issues. Both times it was a virus but needed steroids. We phoned 111 first.

Patapouf · 19/10/2021 20:01

This reply has been deleted

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gindreams · 19/10/2021 20:04

@Patapouf

What a nasty comment, what do you get out of being so unpleasant?

WitchyNameChange · 19/10/2021 20:04

Yeah sorry there's no way I could sit at home when my DC need a trip to hospital, I'd worry myself sick. Plus I know they'd want me not their dad.

I also agree that if you were the one insisting on the trip to hospital then you should be the one taking her.

Original poster
CBB2021 · 19/10/2021 20:06

DD has a viral induced wheeze and anything to do with breathing I don’t think you can take any chances. DH wanted to wait but I didn’t. It’s not that I didn’t want to go with her. She’s a daddy’s girl and I know she’ll be fine with her dad.

It should be that both parents are allowed in and then I would be there but I didn’t feel like I could cope tonight on my own. Perhaps that makes me a terrible mum…

OP posts:
bumblingbovine49 · 19/10/2021 20:07

@WitchyNameChange

I'd absolutely have gone in with her - and I have done. Being pregnant and feeling naff doesn't mean you stop parenting your existing children. Of course your DH could've done it but your reason for not doing so is pretty crap.
It certainly is not a bit crap. If only one parent can go in why not the dad, particularly if the mother is pregnant and exhausted? What is the dad's excuse?Hmm
Goldi321 · 19/10/2021 20:07

Your child has 2 parents, your DH is perfectly able to meet her needs as well as you and he is being an arse. There is so much Covid around at the moment, I would stay well away from the hospital if I were you and get updates via text. Flowers

Namenic · 19/10/2021 20:10

Totally rational for you to stay home OP. Hospital is indoors with people who are unwell, some with covid. So aside from morning sickness, reducing risk of covid would be another reason for you to stay home. You have both your DD and baby to think about.

WitchyNameChange · 19/10/2021 20:10

@bumblingbovine49 That's your opinion. Personally I don't think being pregnant and feeling naff is an excuse to not go to hospital with your child - and I've done it more than once. It was OP who insisted her DD should go, and then voted her husband take her. Of course she'll be ok with her dad, but that's not the point.