AIBU or is my DH being awful?

[CBB2021]

DH and I have had our fair share of problems. DH grew up in an abusive home and we’ve both worked hard to help him work through his issues. I have forgiven a lot.

We have a beautiful DD who is 14 months and I’m current pregnant again, but early days so exhausted and feeling sick. DD is ill again tonight with a bad cough and fast breathing. We’ve been debating since 4 whether to take her to hospital. DH persisting with see how she goes, we can monitor her. In the end I said no she’s going to hospital I know this isn’t right. Only one parent allowed in at the moment so I said, shall I drop you off? He said why wouldn’t you go in?!

I said look I’m trying to keep this baby OK, can you take DD, I’m not sure I can cope with that at the moment. He then goes into a rant how ever since I’ve been pregnant I’m constantly ‘taking the easy option’. We have had three rows on this so far with him basically saying I’m a cop out at the moment.

I’m worried sick about DD and of course worried about this pregnancy. I’m so upset at how he’s treated me too. Perhaps I’m tired and hormonal and being unreasonable. I just feel like a good man wouldn’t of done that to their pregnant wife.

[whynotwhatknot]

Ffs the child has two parents one is growin a human being inside her and doesnt feel well

the other is perfectly capable why is it always the mother that has to do every single thing

[PyongyangKipperbang]

These arguments are probably because, unlike in your first pregnancy, your feeling ill actually affects him his time because he has to get off his arse and actually contribute to running the family. He clearly doesnt see any of this as his job but as "womens work" and is angry that he is being made to do it.

I suspect that this is the tip of a very large iceberg and my main worry would be how much worse his attitude is going to get.

Think back to your first pregnancy, was he genuinely supportive? Or did he leave youto get on with it and not be actively unpleasant?

[WitchyNameChange]

@SteppedOnBloodyLego he tried to parent his child by saying he didn't think she needed to go to the hospital and to see how she was overnight, which is a perfectly reasonable parenting tactic that we've all done. His opinion was discarded by the OP who's opinion apparently trumps his.

No wonder so many men don't try and parent their DC with opinions like the harridans on this thread.

[Goldbar]

A child who is having breathing difficulties should be seen in hospital. It's a relatively easy call to make.

[GalaxyPostcard]

To everyone saying that she can't opt out of parenting just because she's pregnant and should go: erm, her DD has a perfectly capable father who does not have an excuse to not take her Surely he is 'opting out' by refusing to take her?

[DeeCeeCherry]

All things considered he's hard work. Simple as that.

You know this - you've mentioned that you've forgiven a lot. He sounds tiring but hopefully since he's your chosen one, you have strategies in place to deal with all that

[StardewMelons]

DH should go, given the fact he isn't going through sickness and pregnancy symptoms. However if he sees it as a none emergency issue at all, its hard to say whos right about even going...(Unless I have missed a comment saying theyve been told to go)..... But if its about Covid.. surely it makes zero odds who goes considering they live together?

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Given that you are the parent who thinks your DD should go to hospital, I think it would have been better for you to have been the one to have taken her. Not because her Father should not be expected to pull his finger out, but because the person believing that medical attention is required is likely to advocate better for the sick child. You are certainly not a terrible mother for not going. But I do think it would have been better for you to have gone (unless there is more going on with the pregnancy that you have stated that is).

What’s most important though is that your DD is getting seen. I hope she is better soon.

[MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly]

@StardewMelons

DH should go, given the fact he isn't going through sickness and pregnancy symptoms. However if he sees it as a none emergency issue at all, its hard to say whos right about even going...(Unless I have missed a comment saying theyve been told to go)..... But if its about Covid.. surely it makes zero odds who goes considering they live together?

Depends if op has been vaccinated, many pregnant women have not been.

For any breathing issues 111 would probably have sent them to A&E, I don't think the fact that op wanted go and dh didn't is relevant.

[JackieChiles]

I’m surprised so many mothers think they absolute must be the one to take their child into A&E. I don’t feel that way and OP if you do not feel up to it you should NOT feel guilty or obligated to go just because you are “the mum”.

I am fortunate that my husband and I have a truly equal parenting partnership so I trust him completely to make good decisions. Our kids are used to it so they would find him and me equally comforting. (One of them is a real daddy’s girl at the moment so she might even be more comforted by him.) In our situation it would actually feel selfish for me and insulting to him if I insisted that because I’m the mum I have some superior right or ability to help our ill child. If I were breastfeeding or my husband wasn’t around much that would be different but my youngest is 5 so we are past that point.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Wishing you and your child well.

[lemmein]

Well, I bet this thread made you feel better didn't it OP?

Some of the replies are ridiculous - you don't need a vagina to care for a sick child, I'm sure her father will do just fine.

Hope your little one is ok OP

[ittakes2]

Your child was fast breathing - you are pregnant - sorry your hubby is being an ass and you have made the right decisions. Hope your daughter is OK.

[1forAll74]

You should definitely be with your daughter. Pregnancy is not an illness.

[JackieChiles]

@MrsSkylerWhite

SummerBluez

One final thought. I fully expect to see all the outraged mummys to be the same posting moaning about how their DHs are useless and don't do anything with the children and they have to do everything themselves and they don't understand why...there's a link therewink“

To be fair to my husband, nothing but nothing would have stopped me going in with our first, though he would have wanted to. I couldn’t not. Which probably doesn’t make any sense at all, quite prepared to accept that. It would have been a visceral thing.

What if your husband felt the same way? Some dads really do have that deep instinctual love doe their children just as much as the mums do, especially if they aren’t tiny babies. Your “visceral” feeling is about you and when you’re a parent you sometimes have to put your needs aside for the health and safety of your children — born and unborn. It’s sad me that so many children don’t have that visceral deep feeling from both parents.

And for every martyr mum who claims their child would only want her, that may be true. But it is a situation that has been created by the adults by the way they parent usually because the dad is never around OR the mum has made motherhood her entire identity and needs to feel validated . Outside of real babyhood/BFing, children don’t instinctively prefer one parent or the other. If they receive equal time and love and attention from both parents they will feel an equal amount of comfort and security from both parents when they are ill.

I don’t understand how the dad’s and often the child’s feelings don’t even get considered because the mum’s feelings are so deep that nobody else matters. If it was really about the children’s best interests the mum would also feel “visceral” about the safety of her unborn child.

[RantyAunty]

Ridiculous replies.

Of course he should take her.
The last thing she needs if for you to be there possibly vomiting or fainting and maybe catching something.

Trust your instinct about whether she should go or not.

Your DH simply can't be arsed to go. He's more concerned about his comfort and being put out when it it comes down to it.

When you feel better, take some time to think about how much of a partner he really is to you.

[JackieChiles]

@1forAll74

You should definitely be with your daughter. Pregnancy is not an illness.

No but Covid is. HTH

[StardewMelons]

@MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly Vaccinated people still spread Covid and get ill with it, but that was more of a side thing. I Mention about the opinion of wether it was an emergency or not because recently one of my close family members child of a similar age had a slight cough and faster breathing. When taken for an examination there were no concerns, a very slight fever.. a few days later the household all had a cold and were a bit snuffly... So while 1 person might see it as an emergency,.. another might remember that colds etc still exist and not panic going to A+E........ In no way saying OP is wrong, go with your instinct with young children.

[HeartvsBrain]

Have you heard anything from them yet OP? Your DD is in exactly the right place, and so are you, being at home. I do hope you hear from your not quite so D,H soon, and I really hope that as soon as she starts having antibiotics (the ear pulling on it's own suggests she needs antibiotics) she starts feeling better.
If your DD has needed any treatment, when she and you are feeling better, will you please consider complaining to your GP's practice manager about your GP, he should have definitely seen her. I am getting really worried by how unprofessional (and just downright lazy and uncaring?) our GP's are becoming.
I hope you hear soon OP, and then that you can get some much needed sleep.

[Mummyof3Me2021]

Yes! Spot on.

[PurpleOkapi]

He disagreed with you about whether she should be in hospital. You decided she should be in hospital, against his wishes. Fine. But then you decided he should be the one to do all the extra work that comes with her being in hospital, when he thought the whole thing was unnecessary in the first place.

Yeah, I don't blame him for being annoyed. You're right that you need to be able to depend on him to pick up some of the slack when you're pregnant. But if you're going to order him to do things based on the belief that it's unsafe for you to do them yourself, then you and he need to be on the same page about whether those things need to be done in the first place. Here, you're not. You've unilaterally decided not only that your opinion should control whether your DD goes to hospital, but also that it should control who stays there with her. That's completely unfair to him.

[octoberfarm]

@ftw163532

From some of these replies you'd think the man in question is a random off the street rather than the child's own bloody father.

This! Genuinely alarmed by all the posters who seem to think the sick, pregnant woman who is clearly (understandably) struggling should be taking her child to hospital and letting the healthy, very much not pregnant man sit at home instead. Why? Where is the logic?

Our eldest was hospitalized when I was 36 weeks pregnant with our second. I made the decision to leave DH at the hospital with him overnight and go home to get some sleep, because I knew I needed to care for both me and the baby I was carrying. I still feel awful about it but in my heart I know that he had his Dad with him, he was safe, and that I needed to do what I had to to keep myself and baby #2 healthy. It wasn't that I thought my responsibilities stopped because I was pregnant. I just knew logically that I didn't have to do it all on my own when I had a perfectly functional (and willing) DH to help. On one hand women are told we don't have to do it all alone, and on the other we're still expected to do it all. It's mad.

OP, I really hope your little one is feeling better and is back home soon. I know how worried you must be feeling. I hand on heart think you're exactly where you need to be right now, and you can catch up on cuddles just as soon as she's back through that door

[CodeMode]

She is his daughter too. She is unwell. You are also feeling unwell, feeling sick and exhausted. Of course he should be the one to take his daughter.

At home, at least you can be on a comfortable sofa and have your own bathroom if you’re sick. Imagine if you needed to be sick when in the hospital waiting area or when your daughter was being seen by a doctor. Meanwhile he thinks he should sit at home in comfort when he’s perfectly well.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a cunt and not the best person to be having children with.

I hope your daughter is feeling better soon and that your pregnancy symptoms settle down.

[Saoirse82]

Totally rational for you to stay home OP, don't let people on here guilt trip you, she has 2 parents and not only do you feel ill but we're in the middle of a pandemic if people haven't forgotten not only that there are a lot of respiratory illnesses going around at the moment. Hope your DD is OK and you're a good mum looking out for both your children

[SillyDoriswithaDangler]

This thread is crazy. I feel sorry for all of the mothers who have useless fucks for partners that cant even be trusted to know basic info about their own kids or manage to take them to hospital.