AIBU or is my DH being awful?

[CBB2021]

DH and I have had our fair share of problems. DH grew up in an abusive home and we’ve both worked hard to help him work through his issues. I have forgiven a lot.

We have a beautiful DD who is 14 months and I’m current pregnant again, but early days so exhausted and feeling sick. DD is ill again tonight with a bad cough and fast breathing. We’ve been debating since 4 whether to take her to hospital. DH persisting with see how she goes, we can monitor her. In the end I said no she’s going to hospital I know this isn’t right. Only one parent allowed in at the moment so I said, shall I drop you off? He said why wouldn’t you go in?!

I said look I’m trying to keep this baby OK, can you take DD, I’m not sure I can cope with that at the moment. He then goes into a rant how ever since I’ve been pregnant I’m constantly ‘taking the easy option’. We have had three rows on this so far with him basically saying I’m a cop out at the moment.

I’m worried sick about DD and of course worried about this pregnancy. I’m so upset at how he’s treated me too. Perhaps I’m tired and hormonal and being unreasonable. I just feel like a good man wouldn’t of done that to their pregnant wife.

@silkience

Because both her parents are arguing about who should take to the hospital when she has breathing problems. I do get where the OP is coming from as she isn't well herself but it just makes me feel sad

I know it must be hard to see the screen through your tears bit rest easy, she's been at the hospital with her Dad gift over an hour so nobody is arguing

Were her parents not arguing over taking her though? Isn't this what this thread is about? Whether she's been at the hospital for over an hour isn't really the point.

There are some incredibly selfish parents on this thread.

It's sickening to read how many parents would prioritise their own desire to be with their child over what would best serve the child (i.e. having a parent with them who isn't struggling physically and being sick).

OP I'm sorry you're having to suffer this sort of irrational criticism and virtue signalling. Your prioritising of both your DD and your unborn child is much better than trying to pretend you are superhuman.

I hear a few things in your post -

1. Your DH does not appreciate what is involved in being pregnant for you at the moment.
2. You may have some unreasonable anxiety about your pregnancy.
3. You fear some of the abusive behaviours he has worked on are coming back.

I think it's difficult for people who haven't suffered in pregnancy, and especially people who haven't been pregnant, to realise how debilitating it can be. You're probably not showing so it looks like all is normal but you are probably asking for DH to pick up some of the slack and he's seeing it as you goofing off while he does "your" work, instead of realising that with you building a whole other person inside you there's just more work being done and he isn't doing any of the building a new person work. Possibly a sit down with him and a talk about biology and what's happening will help. He may not have realised with your first, just how much work you were doing being pregnant because you may not have had as much on your plate externally and needed him to take up the slack then. His world probably didn't change until nearly 9 months later, though yours was affected from day 1.

I don't know if point 2 is a problem or not. It's natural to be concerned about your pregnancy. But morning sickness and aching limbs aren't usually a sign that your pregnancy is at risk. So to frame this as "trying to keep the baby alive" rather than simply being exhausted and less physically able to look after DD seems a little extreme. But maybe there's something going on that you haven't mentioned here. It may be worth a talk with your midwife to put your mind at ease.

The thing that concerns me most, though, is the first paragraph you wrote:
DH and I have had our fair share of problems. DH grew up in an abusive home and we’ve both worked hard to help him work through his issues. I have forgiven a lot.
Since you wrote this first it sounds like you see his behaviour towards you as, at the very least, edging towards abusive. And when you're pregnant that's even more of a red flag than usual. I don't think AIBU is the place to explore that. I suggest contacting Women's Aid or some other organization that has expertise with helping women in abusive relationships to talk about it and get support.

Can’t believe women on this thread equalling you not going into A&E instead of DH means you’re not a good parent. What on Earth!

DH is a parent too and is feeling well so it’s very puzzling to read these sexist responses.

@natwebb79

This is such a depressing thread. Child needs to be checked at hospital. Child has two equal parents, one who is suffering from horrible early pregnancy symptoms and has been sick a couple of times today, one who has nothing wrong with them. And so many posters saying 'But you're a mother! Of course you should do it despite your suffering. Will nobody think of the poor innocent useless man in this situation?!'. Gah! Mumsnet has changed in the last few years...

Not quite right, mother decides child needs to be seen at hospital, mother decides she isn't going to be the one taking her. If my husband decided something had to happen now and I wanted to wait and then he decided that not only did it have to happen now but I had to be the one doing it I'd be less than impressed.

Some odd unnecessary harshness on this thread (I'm noticing that a lot lately)
You have done the right think OP. Your DH was using the moment to score a point. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to be the one with his DD. Neither me nor DH would want to stay at home but if it was a choice between DH or an unwell me, then DH would go without question.
Lord knows how long it will take for your DD to be seen and treated. She doesn't need a parent who is sick, exhausted and perhaps vomiting. It is the far more responsible decision to have your DH go. Obviously you would survive if you had to go,but why make a difficult situation more difficult. I hate people playing the martyr just because they think that's what mothers are supposed to do

I think your in the wrong massively OP. Your DD has been breathing fast and YOU had to be the one to point out that she needs to go to hospital. What does that tell you?

I know it's shit and I can relate to that feeling that everything falls on you BUT your DH doesn't sound like he would be the best option to go in with your DD.

Baby no2 on the way and I agree with @WakeMeUpin22

I'm astounded at some of these comments. No of course it's not unreasonable to ask your DH to parent his child while you focus on feeling better and resting since you are growing the second child. Pregnancy sickness is grim, I'd have done the exact same OP and asked the other parent to step in. Hope your little on is Ok and that you feel better soon

*little one

@CyclingIsNotOuting

You’ve been sick twice today, you’re pregnant and then told you’re constantly ‘taking the easy option’ because you asked him to take his child to hospital? Fuck that.

He needs a massive kick up the arse. Step up and parent!!!

This!!!!

@mam0918

Both being unreasonable and awful:

Him for not wanting to go to the hospital if your child is sick

and

You for not wanting to be the one to go to the hospital (pregnancy doesn't stop you at all and I honestly can't understand why you wouldn't want to be with your sick child)

Your poor daughter being argued over like some kind of burden to the both of you.

But OP doesn't say she 'doesn't want' to be with her child, I'd bet a lot she's worried out of her mind at home (whilst being pulled apart on MN) but they can't both go and suggesting her other, presumably loving and capable parent, takes the child makes the OP sensible and pragmatic, not awful. Why is it better to irrationally insist she goes, despite the obvious reasons the father is the better person to take the child? What should she do, insist to her husband she is the one to go into a germ infested hospital for a probably deeply exhausting and miserable time, even though she's pregnant, feeling ill and higher risk from covid and it could potentially jeopardise her pregnancy? There is an EQUAL parent, who is in full health who can do it instead - would ignoring this prove how much of a loving parent she is? What exactly are mothers meant to do when they have multiple children and one needs to go to hospital? Are they allowed to leave one with the other parent without being painted as callous?

Hang on for all of those reminding people that the dad is an equal parent to their DD, which is undeniably true, why doesn't his opinion that they could monitor her for a a few hours/overnight count then?

OP has taken on the role of alpha parent by overruling her DH and deciding her DD should go to hospital - something I've done countless times. But when you take that stance, you follow it through by accompanying your child not delegating it to the parent you overruled!

I would have gone in because I know I need to talk with doctors first hand to feel reassured, but this is my personal issue.
Do what you feel is the best for you.

@WakeMeUpin22

I would rather go in with my daughter and id still do it if I was pregnant. Your responsibilities don't stop because you are pregnant.

But... he is also being unreasonable because he isn't being supportive

So only the mother is the parent 🤔🙄 We get lumbered with enough don't we 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry but wtf? Parents disagree all the time, meanwhile there is a sick child who needs to be looked at! She feels strongly so should go. She can't force him to agree with her! What she chooses to do about that is entirely separate matter. In the interests of her child she should go. I wouldn't want my DH to take our child if I didn't think he would advocate for them as well as me... especially if I had been the one watching and looking after more closely. OP GET OVER IT. Just go and sort out the drama and epic debate later.

Him saying you're "taking the easy option" isn't fair at all. He's her parent too so it's perfectly reasonable to expect that he would offer to do it. Being pregnant and unwell and having to sit around a hospital for hours would be difficult for anyone. I would prefer to stay with my daughter myself if at all possible, but if it wasn't possible then I know DH is perfectly capable (although like your DH would probably try to get out of it if he could get away with it).

Hope she’s okay op.
She’s with a parent, that’s all that matters.

Wow! Shocked at some of the nasty comments on here. To all of you saying that you took your child to hospital when you were pregnant - had you been sick that day? Feeling unwell? Did Covid exist?

The father sounds perfectly fit and well to take his daughter to hospital so why is it so wrong that he takes her instead?

Op my little one was in for the same issue when he was around that age, we were in there for hours whilst he was getting seen, it made me feel ill and I wasn’t even pregnant. You have done the right thing and I’d be fuming with my DP if he’d acted like yours and I was pregnant.

Some of the replies are fucking surreal.

I guess same martyrs people later post on different threads asking for advice about their totally useless DHs.

OP your husband is in the wrong here and you are right to be annoyed. He’s her parent too.

I was in the same situation but I went in with my daughter who had a raging water infection I was pregnant with ds. I didn't have access to food either until my dh finished work and family came with some food for me at visiting time. Dd wanted me though when she's poorly not her dad.

This thread is depressing, so many women determined to keep the status quo that the woman be the default parent always and put everyone else first, including her dickhead husband.

Im not surprised he expected you to go in as you'd pushed for that course of action.

He shouldnt have spoken too you like that. Maybe he was tired and unfiltered.

Or maybe hes a fucking dickhead. Only you know.

Loads of judgy posts here. Yes it's often mothers who go with small children but that doesn't mean OP has to if she's dead on her feet.

OP the kind thing would have been for your DP to go but don't judge too harshly, as others said if he doesn't see the need for a hospital visit at all it's not surprising he stalls. Hope you'll all be well again soon.

I can't imagine sitting in A&E with a poorly baby whilst I had morning sickness. I vomited so much in early pregnancy I'd have literally been sitting with my head over a bucket the whole time. Not ideal. Clearly I'd have asked the other parent to step in without a second thought.

@SteppedOnBloodyLego the martyrs are out in force tonight. She’s pregnant and not feeling well already, plus needs her sleep more than her husband. COVID is still an issue, particularly for pregnant women. I’m a nurse and her logic is totally sound. Plus l would hardly say advocating for a sick child to go to hospital as not parenting or making any effort

A few years ago a friend of mine had a quite unwell son. Dad went to hospital with him, his mum remained at home with SPD and heavily pregnant. All totally fine and sensible

My husband would 100% offer to go, but I would have to do it myself as I'd be too stressy not to be there.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable here. Your priority should be your daughter.