AIBU or is my DH being awful?

[CBB2021]

DH and I have had our fair share of problems. DH grew up in an abusive home and we’ve both worked hard to help him work through his issues. I have forgiven a lot.

We have a beautiful DD who is 14 months and I’m current pregnant again, but early days so exhausted and feeling sick. DD is ill again tonight with a bad cough and fast breathing. We’ve been debating since 4 whether to take her to hospital. DH persisting with see how she goes, we can monitor her. In the end I said no she’s going to hospital I know this isn’t right. Only one parent allowed in at the moment so I said, shall I drop you off? He said why wouldn’t you go in?!

I said look I’m trying to keep this baby OK, can you take DD, I’m not sure I can cope with that at the moment. He then goes into a rant how ever since I’ve been pregnant I’m constantly ‘taking the easy option’. We have had three rows on this so far with him basically saying I’m a cop out at the moment.

I’m worried sick about DD and of course worried about this pregnancy. I’m so upset at how he’s treated me too. Perhaps I’m tired and hormonal and being unreasonable. I just feel like a good man wouldn’t of done that to their pregnant wife.

[daisypond]

I think you were right not to go in to the hospital, but maybe you should have sorted who would have gone in beforehand. You are ill - it’s sensible and right that you go home. Your child has an equally involved parent who can stay with her.

[thecatsarecrazy]

I get that you feel like crap but sometimes you just have to do what you gotta do. I felt like shit when I was pregnant, morning sickness is awful but I was still going to work and looking after my other 2. My son was in hospital for 4 weeks. I had to stay with him the whole time. I would have done anything to have a day break and have dad stay with him. But it never happened.

[RJnomore1]

What a load of shite from some posters.

Your daughter has two parents it’s perfectly reasonable for you to expect the other one to take her to hospital if you are not feeling well. Whether you are pregnant or not doesn’t even come into it.

The mummy martyrs are back out in force I see. The fittest and most able parent is the best one for the child to be there.

[SummerBluez]

Here come the dramatic stories about how someone was pregnant with quads but still took their child to hospital even though they had to walk in the snow because that's what parents do....snooze.

[Marmelace]

So you want the op to suffer like you did! How ridiculous 🙄

[Marmelace]

That was for @thecatsarecrazy

[Auroreforet]

@RJnomore1

What a load of shite from some posters.

Your daughter has two parents it’s perfectly reasonable for you to expect the other one to take her to hospital if you are not feeling well. Whether you are pregnant or not doesn’t even come into it.

The mummy martyrs are back out in force I see. The fittest and most able parent is the best one for the child to be there.

Just what I came on to say,
All the so called feminists on here shaming a mum for asking her dh to be an equal parent.
And then they’ll be complaining about men not stepping up tomorrow.

[MilkywayMonarch22]

Tbh, you're pregnant and he needs to be doing whatever he can to support you all. Even if he doesn't agree she needs hospital, if you think so he could say let's ring 111 for advice or try to help in some way instead of making you feel shit.

I would still want to be with her if I was pregnant , I'm a CF though and would want to know everything first hand and be the one to be there with DD, but there is no reason he can't take her! Mumsnet is weird, too often people slate when women don't make their partners pull their weight but when one does they get some snippy responses.

[SummerBluez]

One final thought. I fully expect to see all the outraged mummys to be the same posting moaning about how their DHs are useless and don't do anything with the children and they have to do everything themselves and they don't understand why...there's a link there

[magicstars]

I've spent many nights in hospital with dc with a wheeze. It's exhausting, lots of waiting around, no where to rest properly, food & drink can be hard to come by plus you have to put so much energy into caring for & entertaining poorly dc. Carrying her spare clothes, meds etc

I 100% support you in thinking her dad should take her in on this occasion if you aren't up to it, provided you are confident that she will be safe & happy with him.

I think those suggesting you should go in perhaps lack experience of actually spending the night in A&E with a poorly toddler.

Well wishes to your Dd.

[Calvinlookingforhobbes]

Sorry OP, these posts always go the same way…
op asked if DP is awful. She is assured he is and then drop feeds more about the misery she lives in. You’re not here to save/fix/parent your partner. Say that over and over and take care of yourself.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

Personally, I would be going in with my child. Sorry, hope all is ok.

[TravelLost]

The fittest and most able parent is the best one for the child to be there.

That

@CBB2021 Seriously your dh is wrong. He couldn’t be bothered to go out again. And he would prefer to see his pregnant wife who is suffering from morning sickness to go out rather than making the effort.
It’s making me wonder if he wanted that second pregnancy tbh

[Tilltheend99]

From what op said it sounds like if there wasn’t a pandemic then she would have taken her daughter. She is most likely aware that pregnant women who catch Covid run a higher risk of still birth and of early labour and is therefore trying to limit her exposure. Perfectly sensible and I would do the same. Especially considering there was another perfectly capable parent able to go if he could have been arsed.

Why is it only ops responsibility to parent?

[Wheelerdeeler]

Your dh is wrong and all these martyr mothers posting need to realise that this child has 2 parents. Absolutely infuriating that in this day and age people still think mum is the parent and dad is a supporting role.

Hope your dad is ok

[Nanny0gg]

Every other thread on here points out that fathers need to/should be allowed to step up as an equal parent.

The OP's DH is being an unsupportive arse.

[ThePoisonousMushroom]

I have 3 children. We have had many a&e trips over the years. I’d say DH has probably done 50% of them. Why wouldn’t he? He’s their parent too. And this is without taking into account pregnancies and Covid.
Even when 2 parents could attend, only 1 of us ever went. Sometimes DH and sometimes me. Why would you have 2 of you sat there?

[Tilltheend99]

There is. Covid could affect the health of her unborn baby. DH should take DD as he is fit and well and not carrying a precious cargo.

[KarmaStar]

You should go with your dd.
Using pregnancy as an excuse is being precious.

[DysmalRadius]

YANBU OP - breathing problems are worth getting checked out and it makes sense for the parent that isn't already feeling like shite to go. If he really thinks that morning sickness isn't a good excuse to take things easy, then he is woefully lacking in compassion!

[ftw163532]

From some of these replies you'd think the man in question is a random off the street rather than the child's own bloody father.

[Didiusfalco]

God, all these ‘as a mother’ posts are fucking weird. I’ve let dh take our kids to hospital for various reasons, he’s a capable human and a great dad. Why shouldn’t he be the one to do it?

[Chimley]

@WakeMeUpin22

I would rather go in with my daughter and id still do it if I was pregnant. Your responsibilities don't stop because you are pregnant.

But... he is also being unreasonable because he isn't being supportive

What about the father's responsibility? The OP looks after the unborn baby whilst he looks after the toddler. Have you forgotten those early pregnancy days where you feel wretched? I know I couldn't have coped with an exhausting hospital trip with a poorly toddler.

[WickedWitchOfTheTrent]

You mention when arguing with your dh that 'you are trying to keep this baby' is the pregnancy high risk? If not then I think you are both being unreasonable. I appreciate you're feeling shattered and sick, but if you're constantly saying things like the above it sounds like emotional blackmail and I'd be pissed in his shoes too.

[ThePoisonousMushroom]

@KarmaStar

You should go with your dd.
Using pregnancy as an excuse is being precious.

Why can’t her DH go?