AIBU or is my DH being awful?

[CBB2021]

DH and I have had our fair share of problems. DH grew up in an abusive home and we’ve both worked hard to help him work through his issues. I have forgiven a lot.

We have a beautiful DD who is 14 months and I’m current pregnant again, but early days so exhausted and feeling sick. DD is ill again tonight with a bad cough and fast breathing. We’ve been debating since 4 whether to take her to hospital. DH persisting with see how she goes, we can monitor her. In the end I said no she’s going to hospital I know this isn’t right. Only one parent allowed in at the moment so I said, shall I drop you off? He said why wouldn’t you go in?!

I said look I’m trying to keep this baby OK, can you take DD, I’m not sure I can cope with that at the moment. He then goes into a rant how ever since I’ve been pregnant I’m constantly ‘taking the easy option’. We have had three rows on this so far with him basically saying I’m a cop out at the moment.

I’m worried sick about DD and of course worried about this pregnancy. I’m so upset at how he’s treated me too. Perhaps I’m tired and hormonal and being unreasonable. I just feel like a good man wouldn’t of done that to their pregnant wife.

[Ohsugarhoneyicetea]

You are obviously not only at greater risk were you to pick up anything at the hospital, but also your unborn child is at risk. What was his reason for not wanting to go himself? Is he clinically vulnerable? Disabled?

[Horst]

Yanbu.

Yes you don’t stop being a parent because your pregnant but duh she’s with a parent her father ffs.

Time to let dads actually do parenting.

[Cofifeefee]

Being pregnant and feeling naff doesn't mean you stop parenting your existing children

Oh god you're one of those mum martyrs that think dads can't be trusted to talk to doctors.

OP please ignore stupid opinions like the one above. Hospital probably isn't the best place for a pregnant woman right now so it makes perfect sense that you care for the child growing inside you tonight while dad looks after your other child.

[CBB2021]

@WitchyNameChange but only one of us can go in? it’s not like the one that can’t go in doesn’t care?

DH just trying to prove a point that I’m not pulling my weight I the parenting stakes I guess.

[Patapouf]

[quote gindreams]@Patapouf

What a nasty comment, what do you get out of being so unpleasant?

[/quote]
Perhaps the OP might realise she ought to be prioritising her unwell child???

[HazelandChacha]

OP if you aren’t well and not up to it then it’s fine to stay home, pregnant or not.

DH once had to take a very poorly DS to A & E. I had diarrhoea so absolutely couldn’t have gone! I’m still upset that I wasn’t the one with him but the important thing was he got the help he needed and has absolutely no memory if it.

I hope DD will be okay. You not taking her dies not make you a terrible mum

[HazelandChacha]

DOES not!

[lynntheyresexpeople]

Hmm I don't know. He obviously didn't think she needed to go, so maybe that's why he thought you should go as you're concerned. It would make more sense for you to converse with the doctors if he doesn't see the reason for her being there.
If you're worried sick at home, it would have been better for you to be there.
If you and your DH were on the same page, there's no reason at all why he couldn't be there instead. But in this instance, I think it was possibly better for you to go.

[surreygirl1987]

I'm concerned you are posting on mumsnet instead of taking your daughter to hospital if you truly are concerned about her breathing.

[Theunamedcat]

So mum is vomiting and dad thinks hospital with a sick child is the place to be

Its a no from me

Either he is an equal parent or he isnt

[CBB2021]

@surreygirl1987 read the thread she’s at the hospital with her dad. I’m not sitting on the internet ignoring a poorly child.

@Patapouf who do you think I’m prioritising? Myself?

Thanks for the kind comments. I’m just upset and struggling to trust my judgement at the moment.

[BogRollBOGOF]

It makes sense for the parent who is not pregnant to go. He has equal responsibility for her. Why send the parent who's feeling sick/ exhausted/ pelvic pain/ higher risk of infection/ umpteen other complications of pregnancy when there's an avaliable parent who can go instead?

[Thevoiceofreason2021]

If your daughter is sick - don’t sit there and wait it out. Call 111 or go to hospital. Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick and you do sound a bit precious, sorry OP. One of you needs to be with her. You can go in and he can sit in the car park and wait.

[RandomMess]

I think his attitude is awful, early pregnancy exhaustion and sickness are a very real thing and unless you've experienced how debilitating they are just stop and think before being so nasty to the DP.

I was heavily pregnant and in agony with SPD and it was heatwave so DD1 dad stayed in hospital with her when she had a broken arm.

DD2 was hospitalised with chicken pod when I was 4 months pregnant and I stayed in with her because I was the dreadful exhaustion and vomiting and continually feeling nauseous.

[surreygirl1987]

Yeh I did but I got the impression you had been posting on mumsnet before she went, or at the very least that you delayed going. You said: 'We’ve been debating since 4 whether to take her to hospital' and you posted after 7pm. If you went immediately at 4, I apologise for misunderstanding. It sounded to me like you had a child who was struggling with breathing and that neither of you went immediately at 4pm. Hope she's okay anyway.

[Hothammock]

Has your GP told you to take her to a and e? Coughs in 14 month olds are fairly run of the mill.... Perhaps your DH really doesn't think it's necessary and has already supported you by taking you and your dd there... And perhaps he will be right. You will soon know. In any case, make sure you thank him for seeing through your concerns and I hope your little one is soon better!

[bumblingbovine49]

[quote WitchyNameChange]@bumblingbovine49 That's your opinion. Personally I don't think being pregnant and feeling naff is an excuse to not go to hospital with your child - and I've done it more than once. It was OP who insisted her DD should go, and then voted her husband take her. Of course she'll be ok with her dad, but that's not the point. [/quote]
Well we will have to agree to disagree. I've had to overrule my husband on the severity of my DS' s illness a couple of times in the past . On each occasion I've been right and DS was much more poorly than DH realised that doesn't mean DH would have refused to take him to hospital because it was me who wanted him to be seen.

As it happens I mostly stayed with DS on any hospital visit but that was because DS wanted me when he was ill . If he'd have been happy with DH and only one parent was allowed I'd have let DH go with him like a shot .
The op is not a bad mother for wanting her DH to look after her DD and for wanting to also take care of her other as yet unborn child

[ChimneyPot]

I brought a wheezing child to A&E when pregnant. They needed to get a nurse to bring DD in for a chest x ray as they didn’t allow pregnant women in to x ray.

If your DD is happy with her Dad it is more sensible fir him to bring her.

[wewereliars]

Some bloody weird answers on this.

We are in the middle of a Pandemic so only one parent can go in with the child. The father has responsibilities as well as the pregnant mother who is feeling ill. FFS.

Good luck OP

[cabinfever102]

We often don't agree. I always always always follow my maternal instinct. I would rather be wrong than sorry. Men don't have a maternal instinct. We are designed to be hyper vigilant to our children when they are ill. Go stop deliberating! Pregnant or not, just take her. The bigger question is your relationship and communication over issues which can be discussed another day when you are not point scoring. Covid is everywhere probably safest in a hospital atm.

[toocold54]

I think he is annoyed that you think she should go to the hospital and he doesn’t yet you don’t want to take her and he has to, even though he doesn’t think she needs to go. So I completely see his point.

Most parents would be arguing about who goes in with her because they both want to but neither if you do so I think you’re both being a bit unreasonable.

[SummerBluez]

This is a horrible thread. Absolute vultures gleefully lining up to call OP a selfish bad mother.
If one parent is throwing up and has painful legs then of course it should be the healthy parent taking their child to hospital.

[FairFuming]

@CBB2021

DD has a viral induced wheeze and anything to do with breathing I don’t think you can take any chances. DH wanted to wait but I didn’t. It’s not that I didn’t want to go with her. She’s a daddy’s girl and I know she’ll be fine with her dad.

It should be that both parents are allowed in and then I would be there but I didn’t feel like I could cope tonight on my own. Perhaps that makes me a terrible mum…

Please don't feel like a terrible mother you have done nothing wrong! Some of these comments are awful, the child has TWO parents both are capable of taking her to the hospital and looking after her.

Op your DH is being an arse and if he doesn't start being more supportive tbh I'd be considering whether I want to stay with him.

[Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver]

@Namenic

Totally rational for you to stay home OP. Hospital is indoors with people who are unwell, some with covid. So aside from morning sickness, reducing risk of covid would be another reason for you to stay home. You have both your DD and baby to think about.

Absolutely this.

[GiltEdges]

@MyCatDribbles

I think the thing here is that you’re deciding that she needs to go to hospital, not him, but you decided that he would take her without checking with him, when there’s no real reason it must be him to take her.

This.