AIBU or is my DH being awful?

[CBB2021]

DH and I have had our fair share of problems. DH grew up in an abusive home and we’ve both worked hard to help him work through his issues. I have forgiven a lot.

We have a beautiful DD who is 14 months and I’m current pregnant again, but early days so exhausted and feeling sick. DD is ill again tonight with a bad cough and fast breathing. We’ve been debating since 4 whether to take her to hospital. DH persisting with see how she goes, we can monitor her. In the end I said no she’s going to hospital I know this isn’t right. Only one parent allowed in at the moment so I said, shall I drop you off? He said why wouldn’t you go in?!

I said look I’m trying to keep this baby OK, can you take DD, I’m not sure I can cope with that at the moment. He then goes into a rant how ever since I’ve been pregnant I’m constantly ‘taking the easy option’. We have had three rows on this so far with him basically saying I’m a cop out at the moment.

I’m worried sick about DD and of course worried about this pregnancy. I’m so upset at how he’s treated me too. Perhaps I’m tired and hormonal and being unreasonable. I just feel like a good man wouldn’t of done that to their pregnant wife.

[GrouchyKiwi]

YADNBU. Definitely not.

I can't believe some of these replies. Pack of nonsense.

Hope your DD is OK, and I hope you feel better in your pregnancy soon.

[ThePoisonousMushroom]

@Didiusfalco

God, all these ‘as a mother’ posts are fucking weird. I’ve let dh take our kids to hospital for various reasons, he’s a capable human and a great dad. Why shouldn’t he be the one to do it?

Exactly this. I don’t see why I’d be any better at taking a child to the hospital than DH is?

[Tilltheend99]

This thread is infuriating. People literally telling a pregnant woman to go into a hospital unnecessarily (unnecessary because her husband is perfectly capable) an risk exposure to a serious disease that increases the risk of complications with her pregnancy.

It’s really irrelevant what you did two years ago. Ffs.

[inthehammock]

OP, I think you have done absolutely the right thing; both in ensuring your DD is checked out and in being the parent to stay home to safe guard you and the pregnancy.

Your DH should be concerned for your well being AND that of his DD. Sadly having had many trips to A&E with DC for viral induced wheeze, I know the child can go downhill very quickly and it's best not to wait it out. There have been occasions where my DH wasn't convinced hospital attention was needed but he backed me up when I wanted them checked (and unfortunately I was right each time - I am just better at spotting the early signs of respiratory distress than he is). He took DC on his own many times and stayed overnight when I was pregnant so I could sleep in a proper bed. If you have experience of a child with a track record of respiratory issues you will understand why a parent is anxious to ensure they get seen quickly. I'm appalled people are calling you the bad parent for not prioritising you're child whilst conveniently overlooking that your DH couldn't didn't even want to be bothered to take her to get checked - better safe than sorry. I hope your DD is seen quickly and is back home soon - you should try and get some rest and step away from this thread as there will be twatty posters making you feel like shite when you're already low. When this second baby is here you will have to have one parent at home to look after the other child in these situations any way.

[Chimley]

@Patapouf

It's weird that you don't want to go with DD, your needs don't come first I'm afraid.

You can't pour from an empty cup. Those first few months of pregnancy absolutely wipe you out. The toddler has a father. It's not mother or nothing. The toddler's needs AND the unborn child's needs come first. One parent each.

Mothers don't HAVE to be the default parent for these things if the father is around. Fathers can take the lead and I don't look down on any mother who has an equal partner such that she doesn't bear the burden of all caring responsibilities. OP has explained why she isn't in a fit state to do the hospital trip. Plus the Covid risk.

[AnotherName456]

I feel so sad for your little girl.

[ToykotoLosAngeles]

DS was admitted for 48 hours with viral wheeze this year and it was one parent only. DH took over from me after 12 hours and so on. If he ends up in overnight you'll really have to swap in the morning.

[natwebb79]

This is such a depressing thread. Child needs to be checked at hospital. Child has two equal parents, one who is suffering from horrible early pregnancy symptoms and has been sick a couple of times today, one who has nothing wrong with them. And so many posters saying 'But you're a mother! Of course you should do it despite your suffering. Will nobody think of the poor innocent useless man in this situation?!'. Gah! Mumsnet has changed in the last few years...

[daisypond]

@AnotherName456

I feel so sad for your little girl.

Why?

[mam0918]

Both being unreasonable and awful:

Him for not wanting to go to the hospital if your child is sick

and

You for not wanting to be the one to go to the hospital (pregnancy doesn't stop you at all and I honestly can't understand why you wouldn't want to be with your sick child)

Your poor daughter being argued over like some kind of burden to the both of you.

[AnotherName456]

@daisypond Because both her parents are arguing about who should take to the hospital when she has breathing problems. I do get where the OP is coming from as she isn't well herself but it just makes me feel sad.

[AnotherName456]

@mam0918

Both being unreasonable and awful:

Him for not wanting to go to the hospital if your child is sick

and

You for not wanting to be the one to go to the hospital (pregnancy doesn't stop you at all and I honestly can't understand why you wouldn't want to be with your sick child)

Your poor daughter being argued over like some kind of burden to the both of you.

Yep, my thoughts exactly

[GrouchyKiwi]

I'm sure if OP's husband had been away, or at work then OP would have taken her DD in herself. But he's not. He's there. He's physically well and able to go. He is the child's parent too. He's not exhausted from early pregnancy and throwing up.

WHY THE FUCK should OP be the one to go in those circumstances while he stays at home, feet up presumably, letting his pregnant wife put herself at risk of Covid when he could man the fuck up, take his toddler in and they could both be responsible parents?

[sillysmiles]

Some of the comments on this thread are mad.
The little girl has a parent who is not 1) exhausted 2) feeling crap 3) pregnant and therefore lower immune system and that's the parent that should be in the hospital with her. Not the OP.
Absolutely no reason for the OP to go when a competent adult who is also a parent is there.
Do people just insist on being a martyr?

[MrsSkylerWhite]

SummerBluez

One final thought. I fully expect to see all the outraged mummys to be the same posting moaning about how their DHs are useless and don't do anything with the children and they have to do everything themselves and they don't understand why...there's a link therewink“

To be fair to my husband, nothing but nothing would have stopped me going in with our first, though he would have wanted to. I couldn’t not. Which probably doesn’t make any sense at all, quite prepared to accept that. It would have been a visceral thing.

[aintnousernamelikenousername]

It makes perfect sense for your DH to go and would be the expected thing in this circumstance. It's weird that most people just automatically think mom should go in. It's also weird that dad is arguing that he shouldn't have to go in. Mom and dad should BOTH want to be with their child and whoever goes in is down to what makes practical sense, in this case, your DH

[LibrariesGiveUsPower45321]

What a load of judgy buggers on here tonight.

Logic dictates that both parents in a healthy functional relationship should be equally able to care for child and take them to hospital. Logic & statistics also says that the pregnant woman and unborn child are much more at risk if they caught a virus or COVID at the hospital. Therefore it is far more logical that the father takes the child.

Of course the problem is if the father is a responsibility shrugging jerk then he probably isn’t the best one to fight for correct care should child in hospital require it.

Also just because you’ve been debating whether to take child in it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I debated taking ds in to hospital when he had a cold/virus was 4 months, when we got in they did his stats and stuck a oxygen tube in him straight away. He had RSV and was on tube oxygen and fed for 3 days.

[silkience]

Because both her parents are arguing about who should take to the hospital when she has breathing problems. I do get where the OP is coming from as she isn't well herself but it just makes me feel sad

I know it must be hard to see the screen through your tears bit rest easy, she's been at the hospital with her Dad gift over an hour so nobody is arguing

[NamechangeApril21]

If only one of you can go, you're going to have to decide somehow, and none of the reasons are going to be particularly strong because you're both capable of doing it - you're both parents and its a parent job, not a mum job. What's his reason of why it shouldn't be him?

Obviously if you were on your own and feeling sick you'd suck it up and go, but you're not on your own.

[aintnousernamelikenousername]

@natwebb79

This is such a depressing thread. Child needs to be checked at hospital. Child has two equal parents, one who is suffering from horrible early pregnancy symptoms and has been sick a couple of times today, one who has nothing wrong with them. And so many posters saying 'But you're a mother! Of course you should do it despite your suffering. Will nobody think of the poor innocent useless man in this situation?!'. Gah! Mumsnet has changed in the last few years...

I really can't believe this either!!! Probably the same ones moaning their husbands/partners never do anything. Maybe they need to reconsider their attitudes

[ancientgran]

Maybe he feels like you got your way with her going to hospital when he wanted to wait and then you decided he was the one who had to go with her. I agree it is hard that you can't both go, I understand you want to protect your pregnancy but I can see why he'd be a bit annoyed.

Hope your DD is OK that's the main thing.

[ancientgran]

@NamechangeApril21

If only one of you can go, you're going to have to decide somehow, and none of the reasons are going to be particularly strong because you're both capable of doing it - you're both parents and its a parent job, not a mum job. What's his reason of why it shouldn't be him?

Obviously if you were on your own and feeling sick you'd suck it up and go, but you're not on your own.

Because he was the one who wanted to wait and OP was the one who didn't?

[silkience]

You for not wanting to be the one to go to the hospital (pregnancy doesn't stop you at all and I honestly can't understand why you wouldn't want to be with your sick child

Op has been vomiting. What would your response be if she said her child is ill but husband doesn't want to take her to hospital as he has IBS and is having bad diarrhoea?

[CyclingIsNotOuting]

You’ve been sick twice today, you’re pregnant and then told you’re constantly ‘taking the easy option’ because you asked him to take his child to hospital?
Fuck that.

He needs a massive kick up the arse. Step up and parent!!!

[amter]

OP you have done the right thing. Of course her Dad should take her if you have been feeling unwell. DH and I are equal parents and have both spent time in A&E over the years with our children. I hope she is feeling better soon.