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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DH being awful?

206 replies

CBB2021 · 19/10/2021 19:35

DH and I have had our fair share of problems. DH grew up in an abusive home and we’ve both worked hard to help him work through his issues. I have forgiven a lot.

We have a beautiful DD who is 14 months and I’m current pregnant again, but early days so exhausted and feeling sick. DD is ill again tonight with a bad cough and fast breathing. We’ve been debating since 4 whether to take her to hospital. DH persisting with see how she goes, we can monitor her. In the end I said no she’s going to hospital I know this isn’t right. Only one parent allowed in at the moment so I said, shall I drop you off? He said why wouldn’t you go in?!

I said look I’m trying to keep this baby OK, can you take DD, I’m not sure I can cope with that at the moment. He then goes into a rant how ever since I’ve been pregnant I’m constantly ‘taking the easy option’. We have had three rows on this so far with him basically saying I’m a cop out at the moment.

I’m worried sick about DD and of course worried about this pregnancy. I’m so upset at how he’s treated me too. Perhaps I’m tired and hormonal and being unreasonable. I just feel like a good man wouldn’t of done that to their pregnant wife.

OP posts:
PurpleOkapi · 20/10/2021 04:18

I feel sorry for everyone of both sexes married to control freaks who think the only opinion that matters is their own, and that it's perfectly fine to order their partner to do things their partner doesn't think should be done based on those feelings. If the sexes were reversed here and Mum thought the child was better off at home, but Dad demanded that Mum take her to hospital, everyone would be calling him an abusive narcissist. They'd be right.

Original poster
CBB2021 · 20/10/2021 07:15

Thanks for all the replies here.

DD is home and is now on a heavy course of her inhaler so hoping she shifts this in the next 24 hours or we’ve been advised to go back.

She’s having a lie in and thankfully her breathing seems calmer.

I appreciate I asked the question on here but what never ceases to amaze me since becoming a mum, is the judgement from other mums.

We both have a full day of work today, and now need to decide who is taking it off. I suspect a lot of the mums on here would expect it to be me, going by the responses here! DH and I usually split parenting responsibilities together, along with everything else. I can see now I made the right decision last night from the more reasonable posters on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
CBB2021 · 20/10/2021 07:16

@PurpleOkapi because one parent is more concerned than the other and isn’t comfortable with the other parents decision - they’re a control freak?!

OP posts:
hotmeatymilk · 20/10/2021 07:22

I see the “pregnancy is not an illness” bullshit has been spouted, nearly got bingo now.

Fullyhuman · 20/10/2021 07:32

I prefer my husband to do the kids’ medical stuff because people tend to take him more seriously. He takes my concerns seriously though and if I were worried about our child that would increase his worry, so he’d be more likely to want to take her to hospital.
OP I hope your daughter has a good day and continues to get well.

Brefugee · 20/10/2021 07:50

Perhaps the OP might realise she ought to be prioritising her unwell child???

every single one of the cool mums here who are saying that of course she should go and of course she can't leave it to the child's other parent and how awful she is as a mummy needs to take a good long look at themselves.

I'm really petty - if i had time I'd be nothing the names and any other time a DH is expected to parent and they agree I'd be reminding them of this thread.

But OP you need to get your relationship on a better footing. Your DP is an arse.

RantyAunty · 20/10/2021 07:57

OP happy to hear your DD got treated and is home resting.
You did the right thing.

LakesideView · 20/10/2021 08:01

OP I’m glad she’s improving and home. I would suggest you take today off, simply because you sound exhausted. I think it would benefit you and DD to have a duvet day, snuggle and watch movies.

Namenic · 20/10/2021 08:02

Purpleokapi - unless there is a clear history of over-reaction (eg multiple visits to hospital when not required); or 1 parent has more experience in health matters; usually the safer option would be to go with the parent who is more concerned - because the potential bad outcome of leaving it too late is likely worse than having child checked.

NormanStangerson · 20/10/2021 08:32

Another insane thread. Some posters are truly bonkers.

I’m sorry OP, your partner sounds wildly unsupportive. I can’t imagine a situation whereby if I believed my baby needed to be in hospital, that my partner would be so obstructive, especially if I was pregnant.

mountbattenbergcake · 20/10/2021 08:45

@NavyNails2

If your daughter is having issues with her breathing so much so that you are contemplating taking her to A&E, please just get her to a hospital rather wasting time arguing with your husband and writing on Mumsnet. I hope she makes a speedy recovery.
@NavyNails2 instead of laying in the attitude, RTFT! DS is at the hospital when and OP was worried sick at home.
Inthehammock · 20/10/2021 08:51

@PurpleOkapi

I feel sorry for everyone of both sexes married to control freaks who think the only opinion that matters is their own, and that it's perfectly fine to order their partner to do things their partner doesn't think should be done based on those feelings. If the sexes were reversed here and Mum thought the child was better off at home, but Dad demanded that Mum take her to hospital, everyone would be calling him an abusive narcissist. They'd be right.
This is about medical emergencies not strong arming someone into doing something pointless for the sake of it. I'm just wondering, PurpleOkapi, if you have any experience of an infant with respiratory distress or viral induced wheeze? Because if you had, I don't think you'd be calling the OP a control freak for wanting to ensure her daughter got seen sooner rather than later. Children of that age go down hill incredibly fast when respiratory distress starts, and waiting it out over night (when breathing often gets worse) would be downright irresponsible and dangerous, and could make the difference between a controlled trip to A&E or a blue light emergency. My own Dc has gone from fine to emergency in a couple of hours and my niece has been dangerously ill on multiple occasions over the first two winters of her life thanks to view induced wheeze.
billy1966 · 20/10/2021 08:55

OP,

Of course it was correct for your daughter's father to take her to hospital.

But you say you have forgiven a lot?

He does not sound like a good man.

Is it really wise to be having another child with a man who is telling you that you are opting out of parenting because you are pregnant and unwell?

Big red flag there IMO.

I would be seriously rethinking this pregnancy and your relationship.

He sounds awful and you sound vulnerable.

Flowers
ancientgran · 20/10/2021 08:59

[quote CBB2021]@PurpleOkapi because one parent is more concerned than the other and isn’t comfortable with the other parents decision - they’re a control freak?![/quote]
I think control freak is a bit strong but how would you feel if it was the other way round? You felt DD was OK, DH said she needs to go to hospital, so reasonable to go with the hospital if there's any doubt but if he then said you have to be the one to go with her. Would you in anyway feel that if he is so insistent that she goes then he should be the one to take her or at the least that there should be a conversation about it and he shouldn't just assume that all his decisions have to be accepted?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/10/2021 08:59

If you've been advised to go back if it gets any worse it sounds like it was the right decision to take her in

Namenic · 20/10/2021 09:53

Ancientgran - in general I would say you shouldn’t ask your partner to do what you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself (under normal circumstances).

But in cases of medical need +/- exceptional circumstances (ie 1 parent is away on a work trip but usually takes care of the area in question or has more expertise), the other parent should do what is asked - especially if the potential negatives are serious (as in this case). In this case there is additionally a reason for her not to sit in a room with potentially lots of covid cases - due to pregnancy. Personally I think the impact on a woman’s body and life of pregnancy is far greater than the man’s and a supportive partner would pull his weight more (obviously Different women have different extents of issues).

WitchyNameChange · 20/10/2021 10:52

Glad your DD has been seen and is home resting, OP, bottom line that's the main thing. My DC have chronic asthma and there have been many late nights trips to a&e for the nebuliser/prednisone. Fingers crossed she shakes this off sharpish now.

Lulu2021 · 20/10/2021 10:57

@hotmeatymilk

I see the “pregnancy is not an illness” bullshit has been spouted, nearly got bingo now.

Anyone who says this has never endure horrors of severe pregnancy sickness/ hyperemesis.

Pregnancy might not be an illness in and of itself. But my god can it make you feel utterly, horribly horrific.... 🤢

Lulu2021 · 20/10/2021 10:57

*endured the horrors of

Toothiehurtie · 20/10/2021 15:10

Exactly this. Pregnancy is an illness for some people.

ancientgran · 20/10/2021 18:08

@Namenic

Ancientgran - in general I would say you shouldn’t ask your partner to do what you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself (under normal circumstances).

But in cases of medical need +/- exceptional circumstances (ie 1 parent is away on a work trip but usually takes care of the area in question or has more expertise), the other parent should do what is asked - especially if the potential negatives are serious (as in this case). In this case there is additionally a reason for her not to sit in a room with potentially lots of covid cases - due to pregnancy. Personally I think the impact on a woman’s body and life of pregnancy is far greater than the man’s and a supportive partner would pull his weight more (obviously Different women have different extents of issues).

Yes that is all fair enough but I still think if my husband decided something had to happen now and I wanted to wait but he got his way and then he announced that I was the one who was going to have to do it I wouldn't be very happy.

I don't think it comes across that he was asked, he was told which is different. Maybe couples work differently but I think communication is important. Fair enough if we both wanted it done and I'm the more appropriate person but when you put both together I can understand him feeling he is being forced to do something. He did it though which was the important bit I just don't think he has to be particularly happy about it.

Ponoka7 · 20/10/2021 18:18

If she needed a chest X ray, you wouldn't be allowed in, so it makes sense for him to go.
I think you've probably made excuses for his behaviour because of his childhood, when it could just be who he is. Which at the moment isn't very caring.

sillysmiles · 20/10/2021 18:22

but I still think if my husband decided something had to happen now and I wanted to wait but he got his way and then he announced that I was the one who was going to have to do it I wouldn't be very happy.

That's all fair and well if all things are equal and both people are fine, but the OP is struggling through shitty aspects of early pregnancy. So regardless of who thinks they should be doing it, the OP isn't the right person to be going into a hospital.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 20/10/2021 19:08

I think this is just the sort of thing that happens when couples don't communicate, as you each had different expectations and neither were really unreasonable.

Have you been shirking? What has made your DP say that?

CanofCant · 20/10/2021 19:49

Some of these responses are fucking embarrassing.

I'm glad your DD is back at home OP, hope she recovers quickly. YANBU in your expectations.