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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caught dp in the act, wwyd

215 replies

Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:21

I'll try and make this as short as possible. I had my phone on charge in the kitchen this morning so asked dp if I could use his phone to check the MOT history of my car as I can't for the life of me remember when it is next due, anyway I touched the search bar of Google and up popped a certain chat site (the chat site is dedicated to people that have a certain sexual fantasy) for shame reasons I do not feel comfortable saying what fantasy it is but I clicked on it anyway. Turns out he's been a part of this site for 2 months and people can PM each other etc and he's been direct messaging certain members. He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied. The fact that he has joined this site months before we are due to marry is piss taking but what takes the most piss is he thinks he's done nothing wrong 🙄 I've told him I'm considering ending the relationship over this, in my eyes he's cheated or plans on cheating, to me that tells me I'm not good enough for him, our sex life, our relationship, his son is not good enough 😭 I'm struggling here, wtf do I do 💔💔💔

OP posts:
Redannie118 · 09/10/2021 19:24

Yep cheating. And his utter denial is a huge red flag. Thank god you found out before the wedding.

DowntonCrabby · 09/10/2021 19:25

If you consider it cheating OP, even the intent you have to end the relationship. He won’t change. You deserve someone who respects you 100% and whom you can 100% trust, particularly in a marriage. Flowers

Percypigg · 09/10/2021 19:25

I am so sorry for you. I would leave. He does not understand what the problem is and will therefore make no attempt to make things right.

Leave

QuestionNumberOne · 09/10/2021 19:25

You dump him. Sleazy bullshitting liar.

Confrontayshunme · 09/10/2021 19:26

This sounds a really tough situation. As misogynistic and awful as it is, I'd be asking whether this is a fetish you feel comfortable participating in. If it isn't and you aren't comfortable with him messaging people or viewing porn, then you need to end it.

QuentinBunbury · 09/10/2021 19:26

Finish it Sad
If he's not being honest and trying to make you doubt your entirely reasonable view, rather than apologising profusely, how can you trust him?
Sorry you are going through this

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 19:27

You would have to be insane to marry him. He's a cheat and he will do this again. This is who he is.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 09/10/2021 19:28

I wouldn't go so far as to say this is cheating but it's not looking good just months before you get married.

Original poster
Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:30

Thank you for your response, he thinks he's done no wrong because the ladies he messaged never replied 😳, I had no words when he said that. All I can think about right now is why I'm not good enough for him, why he would risk me, his son, the roof over his head, the money in the bank, our entire life for a 5 minute thing. Wtf did I do to deserve this, we have a very active sex life a very loving relationship and now this. Now off to ponder where it all went wrong x

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 09/10/2021 19:30

Yes he's taking the piss. Im so sorry OP. The ONLY consolation is you found before the wedding x

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 19:31

He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied.

If you believe that I have a bridge to sell you, and this is definitely cheating. He is looking outside of the relationship for sexual gratification. Whether it's in person or virtual, it's cheating. End of.

godmum56 · 09/10/2021 19:32

@Carrottopppp

Thank you for your response, he thinks he's done no wrong because the ladies he messaged never replied 😳, I had no words when he said that. All I can think about right now is why I'm not good enough for him, why he would risk me, his son, the roof over his head, the money in the bank, our entire life for a 5 minute thing. Wtf did I do to deserve this, we have a very active sex life a very loving relationship and now this. Now off to ponder where it all went wrong x
It was never right.
Original poster
Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:32

I have tried participating in his fantasy but nerves got the better of me, he's never acted out his fantasy either but the fact that he's gone to strangers on the Internet instead of me speaks volumes in my opinion.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 19:32

If he never chatted to someone he wouldn't have needed to delete his chat history, correct? He's a fucking liar.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 19:33

If he was doing nothing wrong he wouldn't have deleted the messages.
If they'd responded, would he accept it was cheating then?
If you were messaging other men about your sexual fantasies would he be ok with that?

I agree with the others. The only saving grace is you found out before you married him.
You won't trust him again.

WallaceinAnderland · 09/10/2021 19:35

End it. He's lying.

Snoopy28x · 09/10/2021 19:36

Sorry but his excuse of they didn't reply.. well what was he planning on doing if they did?? Why message if he wasnt expecting to get replies.

I would run for the hills if I was you. Set yourself up a nice life with your son, you dont need to be constantly checking if hes lying to you again. Take care of yourself xxx

honeybuns007 · 09/10/2021 19:39

This is an anonymous forum. Please tell us what the fantasy is as it might be really deviant or it may be kind of vanilla. Not that it matters - his weird attitude is crap either way

unsportyspice · 09/10/2021 19:39

He was willing to cheat he just didn't get the chance.
You deserve better.

HippeePrincess · 09/10/2021 19:40

I’d end it, better to end it now whilst it’s relatively easy than to have to go through the legal process of divorce.

Original poster
Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:41

Thanks everyone, currently sat here with a glass of wine in tears wondering wtf I did wrong why the fuck I'm not good enough, am I just destined to date compete dicks. Inside and outside we have a great relationship and now this but I still can't get it through to him that he's in the wrong been trying since this morning.

OP posts:
MuthaFunka61 · 09/10/2021 19:42

So,so sorry to hear this has happened- you don't deserve it. FlowersCakeBrew

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 19:43

I still can't get it through to him that he's in the wrong been trying since this morning.

Stop wasting your time. He simply doesn't care and will probably try to blame you for it because you wouldn't do what he wanted, whatever that was. He's a scumbag.

CornishTiger · 09/10/2021 19:43

You can’t make him feel sorry.

However he is wrong. It’s cheating. Leave. He’s showing you his standard and if he can do this now then he’ll no care about lying in future or physically cheating.

Raise your standards. End it

kittenkipping · 09/10/2021 19:44

I'm so sorry op. He's as faithful as his opportunity and his opportunity to cheat may not have been granted but that's clearly not for want of trying! Insult to injury he's playing the minimise and deny card. If you do decide to leave him prepare for his "realisation " that he was wrong and didn't realise he risked you and his son and how he'd never do it again and will do anything etc etc. It's a script. It starts where you are now, with his denial and minimising, making out that you are over reacting and the nect stage is over the top apologies and regret. Be wary