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AIBU?

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Original poster

Caught dp in the act, wwyd

215 replies

Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:21

I'll try and make this as short as possible. I had my phone on charge in the kitchen this morning so asked dp if I could use his phone to check the MOT history of my car as I can't for the life of me remember when it is next due, anyway I touched the search bar of Google and up popped a certain chat site (the chat site is dedicated to people that have a certain sexual fantasy) for shame reasons I do not feel comfortable saying what fantasy it is but I clicked on it anyway. Turns out he's been a part of this site for 2 months and people can PM each other etc and he's been direct messaging certain members. He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied. The fact that he has joined this site months before we are due to marry is piss taking but what takes the most piss is he thinks he's done nothing wrong 🙄 I've told him I'm considering ending the relationship over this, in my eyes he's cheated or plans on cheating, to me that tells me I'm not good enough for him, our sex life, our relationship, his son is not good enough 😭 I'm struggling here, wtf do I do 💔💔💔

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 09/10/2021 20:12

I thinks he's done nothing wrong because no-one was interested in him? What funny logic. So if you went to the local pub, stood on the bar and offered sex to whoever was interested it would be absolutely fine as long as no-one took you up on it...

If this is the only thing that's happened in your relationship it might be worth trying to talk it out, for the sake of your family. But if he doesn't understand what he did wrong (even though he's being disingenuous and knows full well) how can he tell you it wouldn't happen again? It might be an idea to cancel the wedding so you can process all this without a wedding date hanging over your head.

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/10/2021 20:14

Forget my last message. If he's going to try and deflect this by accusing you of being abusive, you are better off out of it. Or you'll be dealing with this gaslighting for the rest of your life.

Kuachui · 09/10/2021 20:14

I can totally understand looking stuff up and watching stuff BUT messaging people is a line not to be crossed... Your inviting it into real life, and exactly as you say, what did he expect would happen from these exchanges.

FuckYouCorona · 09/10/2021 20:14

Do you have joint assets? Is the home jointly owned? This guy is a nasty piece of work & you need to end it now. Thank f**k you found this out before the wedding! Flowers

Whatinthelord · 09/10/2021 20:15

Sounds like it’s over op. Sorry but the deleted messages show he’s trying to cover his tracks and I don’t believe there isn’t more.

If he was taking responsibility, apologising and showing empathy with you I might see how you could move on from this as a couple. He’s doing none of those things. Seems odd. Maybe he wants you to end it?

RobinsReliant · 09/10/2021 20:16

You didn’t do anything wrong.

He has a lack of boundaries and doesn’t get why this has an impact on you and your relationship.

Run for the hills. Seriously. A lack of boundaries is a killer for any relationship and will get in the way repeatedly if you stay with him.

beigebrownblue · 09/10/2021 20:16

You dodged a bullet hon. Try to be grateful that you found out now.

Tilltheend99 · 09/10/2021 20:19

@Confrontayshunme

This sounds a really tough situation. As misogynistic and awful as it is, I'd be asking whether this is a fetish you feel comfortable participating in. If it isn't and you aren't comfortable with him messaging people or viewing porn, then you need to end it.
Hmm
Nondescriptname · 09/10/2021 20:20

seems he's a self centred arsehole

Unfortunately, yes he is.

It doesn't matter if anyone replied to him or not. He was messaging them and obviously wanted them to reply.

It's just the same as if he was trying to chat up women in the pub and they were all ignoring him.
He's still being a jerk trying to chat them up.

IsThePopeCatholic · 09/10/2021 20:22

He’s a twat. You’ll never be able to trust him if you stay with him, so what’s the point?

romdowa · 09/10/2021 20:23

He is trying to gaslight you by saying that it's not cheating and by accusing you of verbally abusing him 🤣 he has some balls, I wouldn't even engage him on the subject again, I'd be telling him it's finished, that not even the women on the fetishism site want him.

Pastnowfuture · 09/10/2021 20:24

In my 20s I caught my long term partner on sex sites messaging other people. Stayed with him. He did it twice more before I left. I felt ashamed and unlovable. I never felt secure and when I struggled to trust him he told me I was paranoid and controlling. I regret staying after that first time. It took me ages to heal as we had a life and future planned together. Went on to meet the most wonderful man who I trust completely and he treats me great. Been together 11 years. You will get your happy ending but not with this man. I remember the many weeks of crying and hurt when the relationship finally ended. Surround yourself with good friends, keep yourself busy and plan things to look forward to. Xxx

VorpalSword · 09/10/2021 20:26

Please don’t feel ashamed of his fetish, it isn’t you at all.

If, and I think you know you will, call of the wedding don’t come up with some random shite that will protect him. He will manipulate that to make it sound you fault. You don’t need to go into details.

“He was messaging women on a sex site” is clear, truthful and no shame attached to you.

Please tell you real life support, you have no reason to keep this to yourself, you have done NOTHING to be ashamed off. If he isn’t happy about that, tough, according to him it is no big deal anyway!

tootiredtospeak · 09/10/2021 20:26

But what if they had replied...what then. That's what I wouldn't be able to get out of my head.

Original poster
Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 20:28

He said he joined because he was curious, we've done nothing but argue for the last god knows how many hours yet in all of it I seem to come out as the bad guy 😔 seems I'm fighting a losing battle 😔 I must be the most non understanding person on the planet, i don't know where the hell I go from here I have no one I'm the sole earner in the household, I have nobody to talk to, my life has been nothing but men taking advantage of me from as young as 10. Where the hell do i go from here.

OP posts:
ofwarren · 09/10/2021 20:31

You need to leave him OP. Please don't marry this man.
Who owns your house or whos name is it rented in?

AuntyFungal · 09/10/2021 20:33

Don’t feel pressured to go through with the wedding.
Stuff can be cancelled &/or returned.

Tell your parents / close friend - to help you.
No need to lie to save his face. You’ve done nothing to be embarrassed about.

If anyone asks you to go through with the wedding; ask them if they could participate in or allow their partner to contact someone, to piss on them?

Don’t use euphemisms or twee words.

Kinks / fetishises are ok when partners consent and enjoy.
It is ok to say no to the kink.

You said No. He went looking for a kink partner = cheating.

He lies and cheats.

Learningtobeafeministagain · 09/10/2021 20:35

You set up on your own.

You protect your boundaries. You protect your assets, your house, your pension, your earning and DON'T give him a fucking penny.

You raise your son to treat women better.

You WILL find someone who deserves you. You are the victim here and the survivor. You are a strong women who when a man treats her like shit -she drops him like a stone and focuses on herself and her family and protect him like a lioness protecting her cub.

You are enough, You are more then enough -but this twat and idiot is not GOOD ENOUGH for you. Drop him. You clever woman and move on without him in your life. Cut him off, don't engage. Parent yes, friendship and relationship -no. You deserve more.

MrMrsJones · 09/10/2021 20:35

well the hell do I go from here

You dump his lieing, lazy arse and get living your best life

Cryalot2 · 09/10/2021 20:35

So sorry op CakeFlowers and hugs. You did nothing to deserve this.
Do as motorina says. Only give him what he wants , a huge bucket of smelly piss over his head and gaslight him .
You are too good for him .

alreadytaken · 09/10/2021 20:36

He's possibly deleted his chat history because they did reply. It may even have covered arrangements - past or future - to meet up. All you know for sure is that he is a liar, because going on that site means his promises to you were lies.

You are the sole earner so just what does he contribute to your life?

If men have been taking advantage of you it explains your low self-esteem, you are worth so much more than him.

Dont argue, just get him out.

RealBecca · 09/10/2021 20:36

If youre clearly in the right why are you arguing with him? Its clear cut that hes wrong so how on earth can you ever have a happy married life and get through gray areas when he cant even let you be right or admit his shortcomings in such an obvious situation?

Stop talking and fighting over this relationship. Youre right. Hes wrong. He wont even see himself as wrong or doscuss it, fuck marrying a man who will lie and gaslight you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2021 20:39

CHRIST! Just have a bit of self respect and end it.

If he's doing this before you're married...

He's a wanker and you deserve better.

VorpalSword · 09/10/2021 20:39

@Carrottopppp

He said he joined because he was curious, we've done nothing but argue for the last god knows how many hours yet in all of it I seem to come out as the bad guy 😔 seems I'm fighting a losing battle 😔 I must be the most non understanding person on the planet, i don't know where the hell I go from here I have no one I'm the sole earner in the household, I have nobody to talk to, my life has been nothing but men taking advantage of me from as young as 10. Where the hell do i go from here.
You just keep going. It is all anyone can do.

You are not the bad guy, he is just deflecting so you forgive him. Which will be giving him permission.

You will never agree on this, so you just need to state your position and ask to leave to give you some space.

Does he look after your son while you work? Will you need to figure out childcare or is that sorted? Him not working, if he is the main carer might make life a bit more complicated but you can deal with everything.

Original poster
Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 20:41

Literally everything is in my name from the house to the bills the only thing that has his name is our son, poor soul, I'm not daft in that sense lol but I'm clearly daft in everything else, if I kicked him out he'd have nothing but the boxers on his behind as I literally own everything, car, house, finances, fucking everything. Sorry for swearing but feels so good to realise I come out on top in all this. WHAT A FUCKING SELF CENTRED, SELFISH FUCKING PRICK 😳 sorry, felt so good to get that off my chest 😳😏

OP posts:
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