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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Caught dp in the act, wwyd

215 replies

Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:21

I'll try and make this as short as possible. I had my phone on charge in the kitchen this morning so asked dp if I could use his phone to check the MOT history of my car as I can't for the life of me remember when it is next due, anyway I touched the search bar of Google and up popped a certain chat site (the chat site is dedicated to people that have a certain sexual fantasy) for shame reasons I do not feel comfortable saying what fantasy it is but I clicked on it anyway. Turns out he's been a part of this site for 2 months and people can PM each other etc and he's been direct messaging certain members. He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied. The fact that he has joined this site months before we are due to marry is piss taking but what takes the most piss is he thinks he's done nothing wrong 🙄 I've told him I'm considering ending the relationship over this, in my eyes he's cheated or plans on cheating, to me that tells me I'm not good enough for him, our sex life, our relationship, his son is not good enough 😭 I'm struggling here, wtf do I do 💔💔💔

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2021 20:41

Sorry, just read your update. You're the 'sole earner'? So what the F does he do all day apart from sign up to sex sites? Wake up lovely. He's taking you for a mug.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2021 20:42

if I kicked him out he'd have nothing but the boxers on his behind

That is entirely of his own doing. Don't feel guilty. Kick him out!

Dirty bastard.

AuntyFungal · 09/10/2021 20:45

Q: Doesn’t work - why?

A: Get’s in the way of his professional cocklodging.

FlatteredFool · 09/10/2021 20:45

Kick him out and chick a bucket of piss

Blackberrycream · 09/10/2021 20:45

It’s a bit of a crossroads situation. Leaving will feel scary and uncertain but that passes. I agree with @RealBecca about this situation. Get out.

Original poster

Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 20:46

Yes I'm sole earner, he's the childcare for our child but I'm on a very good wage so we are more than financially okay with just me working and I love my job so I would hate it if I had to leave because we split up. It would take a very long time in my area to find childcare for my son, apart from what is happening he's an amazing father I can't fault him on that but I know if we split i would be caught between a rock and a hard place 😔

OP posts:

Blackberrycream · 09/10/2021 20:47

Well I have just seen your update Op. All the better.Get out and don’t look back.

FlatteredFool · 09/10/2021 20:47

Ffs
Chuck a bucket of piss on him as he goes. I'd be tempted but wouldn't of course.
Lying, cheating, gaslighting, bastard.

Onwards and upwards now. Thank god you're not married

Blackberrycream · 09/10/2021 20:48

Pay for childcare or go part time.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 09/10/2021 20:53

OP, he's not going to turn around and say, "Do you know what? You're completely right. I'm a useless cheating bastard." He's going to keeping DARVOing you (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) so you need to disengage from him.

Thank your lucky starts you discovered this before you married him, after which he would have a claim on all your assets (on divorce, time spent cohabiting prior to the marriage is counted as part of the length of the marriage, so if you'd lived together for a few years and then got married he would very quickly have a potentially very significant claim).

You don't have to get him to agree that what he's done is wrong. You can just ask him to leave anyway. Good luck.

Learningtobeafeministagain · 09/10/2021 20:53

Is he still there -?call him a cab -and toss him out and change the locks.

Learningtobeafeministagain · 09/10/2021 20:56

@Carrottopppp

So don't ask for emergency leave and get on FB, mumsnet and find a childminder. There will be one who can step in.

When he has his own place etc -then he can have contact. But not with your money, under your roof -ROAR woman ROAR and protect your cub and yourself. Absolute bastard. Get angry.

Do it alone -don't rely on him from childcare -don't give him a nanosecond of control.

VioletVesper · 09/10/2021 20:57

Sorry this is happening to you OP. I agree it is cheating and disrespectful. How old is your son?

IrishMel · 09/10/2021 21:00

That is so horrible and you have done nothing wrong and he is trying to gaslight you into thinking it is ok. For me I would ask him to leave for a few days while I have time to think as cannot clear your head with him there or go stay with your folks or friends if you can for a few days. Only when you are away from him can you think straight. He is on the defensive now so will not admit to anything. He obviously deleted the messages. For me I would be going batshit mad as would feel so angry, sad at the same time. Stop thinking you are not enough, it is him and his fetish and his fetish is not going to go away but will get more obsessed with it. This will eat away at your confidence so you do need to talk to a friend or a professional and not him. How old is he? men seem to get worse as they get older, is sickening that they cannot be happy without having some weird porn issue or fetish. Do not get married whatever you do. You need time to think about what is best for you as this will now fester into all areas of your life which you believed was good and taint it. Take your time no rush but you need time alone to think.

toocold54 · 09/10/2021 21:00

Thank you for your response, he thinks he's done no wrong because the ladies he messaged never replied

So if they had he would have cheated then?

He’s been caught out on the site so there’s every chance he has cheated but deleted the chat.

It also seems like he’s making it your fault/making you feel guilty because you won’t do this particular fantasy.
I don’t know what it is but lots of people have fantasies that they can’t act upon - it doesn’t mean they have to right to find someone else to do it for them.

Viviennemary · 09/10/2021 21:00

How is it cheating? If you think its unacceptable behaviour then it is. Still can't work out what it is he has ' supposed to have done or at least thought about doing. Is it a dating site.

notanothertakeaway · 09/10/2021 21:01

I don't think it matters what strangers on the internet think. If you want to get married, bash on. And if this changes your view of your DP and you no longer feel he's someone you want to marry, that's ok too

Mischance · 09/10/2021 21:01

You keep saying that you are wondering what you did wrong. You did not do anything wrong; HE DID.

Men like this are very good indeed at turning these situations round to make the wronged women in their lives feel bad about themselves - it is a neat way of ditching the blame.

Please do not fall for this crap. Go now.

whynotwhatknot · 09/10/2021 21:02

He can go to his parents or family then cant he and look after his child from there

dont feel trapped just because you feel bad that he has nothing hes done this to himself

flowersmakeitbetter · 09/10/2021 21:02

Well, I think this has happened because you are too good for him and there is someone out there much much better for you.

Please don't settle for this one.

whynotwhatknot · 09/10/2021 21:03

@Viviennemary

How is it cheating? If you think its unacceptable behaviour then it is. Still can't work out what it is he has ' supposed to have done or at least thought about doing. Is it a dating site.

every single time

Buppers · 09/10/2021 21:05

OP, there are a few things here which are potentially tricky - but do not marry this man. Even if you were ultimately willing to overlook him trying to message other women to satisfy his fantasy (which I believe isn't that uncommon, though it wouldn't do it for me - and messaging would be a dealbreaker for me, unlike watching porn, which I wouldn't care about), you really do need not to marry him. If you do marry him, you run the risk of changing the financial balance so that you end up supporting him, for at least some time.

Even if you don't marry him, there would also be a risk that you would end up with a parental arrangement order somewhere along the lines of 50:50 or maybe even worse (given that messaging other women to say that you want them to pee on you is unfortunately not regarded in law as a reason for him to be an unsuitable parent). Any half decent lawyer whom he consulted would tell him that your mutual child still has to be housed, fed, clothed and cared for in the way to which he is accustomed as far as reasonably possible, and by his regular care-giver. So whether you marry him or not, you can't just "kick him out" as the fact that you share a child means that he has rights.

It's hard to know what to do, as you have a child. If you didn't, you could just tell him to bugger off and change the locks. But SAHPs do have some powers. Your partner would be expected to try to get a job once your child reaches a certain age - but what if he just shrugs and says he's tried and there's nothing available? Then what will happen is that you will end up paying for him to look after your child. Maybe that's what you would be happy with, of course, in which case I'm talking rubbish.

It's a horrible situation, OP.

elfies · 09/10/2021 21:07

If he hadn't HAD conversations he wouldn't have needed to delete

Hugoslavia · 09/10/2021 21:07

I think that lots of people,men and women have fantasies about things that they wouldn't actually want in real life and yet online chat allows them to explore their fantasies without necessarily doing any more than chat. It's as though for him it is just an extension of porn and in his mind probably isn't much worse. But the fact that he actually wanted to do it in real life and then has been proactive on a chat room is an issue. He may well have just seen it as a bit of interactive fantasy porn. But for you, you actually don't know whether he would have taken it yet another step forward. The fact that he hasn't apologised and tried his best to reassure you shows that he is very inconsiderate with regard to your feelings. I would try to stop the arguing, have a cooling off period, take a deep breath and then, when you feel less shocked, think about how to proceed. Give yourself some time to process it before having to make any big decisions.

jagoda · 09/10/2021 21:08

He is a disgusting pig and you are well shot of him.

I think you need to go carefully with regards to your son and maybe get legal advice. If he has been SAHP he might go for full residency or a minimum of 50/50.

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