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AIBU?

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Original poster

Caught dp in the act, wwyd

215 replies

Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:21

I'll try and make this as short as possible. I had my phone on charge in the kitchen this morning so asked dp if I could use his phone to check the MOT history of my car as I can't for the life of me remember when it is next due, anyway I touched the search bar of Google and up popped a certain chat site (the chat site is dedicated to people that have a certain sexual fantasy) for shame reasons I do not feel comfortable saying what fantasy it is but I clicked on it anyway. Turns out he's been a part of this site for 2 months and people can PM each other etc and he's been direct messaging certain members. He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied. The fact that he has joined this site months before we are due to marry is piss taking but what takes the most piss is he thinks he's done nothing wrong 🙄 I've told him I'm considering ending the relationship over this, in my eyes he's cheated or plans on cheating, to me that tells me I'm not good enough for him, our sex life, our relationship, his son is not good enough 😭 I'm struggling here, wtf do I do 💔💔💔

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:46

I'm so ashamed too say this but his fantasy is a golden shower, so he'd like a lady to urinate on him but not urinate on him. He's never done it before but apparently it's been his fantasy for as long as he can remember.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 09/10/2021 19:46

Yeah, he's a big fat liar.

And, probably has questionable sexual proclivities

Dddccc · 09/10/2021 19:46

Sounds like he got cold feet and wanted to do his fantasy before he married you you are not compatible in the bedroom simple really in my eyes talking is not cheating however the fact is he was trying to cheat which is a complete no no ever my dh would be out on his arse if I ever found out

SmallWaistFatFace · 09/10/2021 19:47

Don't bloody marry him. It will happen again. He did receive messages back, hence why he deleted the messages. If you marry him prepare to be cheated on.

RestingPandaFace · 09/10/2021 19:47

to me that tells me I'm not good enough for him, our sex life, our relationship, his son is not good enough

No sweetheart it’s not you, he isn’t good enough for you. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:47

Sorry that meant to say them urinate on him but not him urinate on them if that makes sense

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 19:49

@Carrottopppp

I'm so ashamed too say this but his fantasy is a golden shower, so he'd like a lady to urinate on him but not urinate on him. He's never done it before but apparently it's been his fantasy for as long as he can remember.
Disgusting. Having that fantasy alone would have been a deal breaker for me.
mellicauli · 09/10/2021 19:53

SO he's on a site specializing in his sexual predilection and he's messaging people who are also into it . But somehow no one has got back to him but he deleted his message history anyway.

Well either he's deeply unattractive to every saddo on that site , or more likely..he's a big fat liar as well as cheat. The two tend to go hand in hand,

TaRaLa · 09/10/2021 19:53

He has been messaging people, he wouldn’t have needed to delete his chat history otherwise.
For him it’s this sexual practice or nothing and he’s gone elsewhere to find it and he won’t stop until he’s had sex with someone else if he’s not already done so.
I would get yourself an STI check to be on the safe side.

I would leave my partner for this.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 09/10/2021 19:53

Done nothing wrong... Jesus christ, some men. LTB.

SouthsideSally · 09/10/2021 19:54

You will never get a satisfactory explanation or apology from him. You wish it had never happened in the first place but that's not possible. He is not the person you thought he was. Move on.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/10/2021 19:54

Have you asked him what he would have done if they had replied?

For what it's worth, I think they replied and like a PP said - why did he delete the messages if they never replied?

For me it's cheating and would be the end of the relationship but none of that matters. It's how you feel, if you feel it's cheating then it's cheating for you whether he says it is or isn't

ShepherdMoons · 09/10/2021 19:55

I would leave, I don't think I could get past this. I'm so sorry, I know it must be heartbreaking but it will be even more heartbreaking a few years down the line when you are married.

toolazytothinkofausername · 09/10/2021 19:56

@Carrottopppp

Thank you for your response, he thinks he's done no wrong because the ladies he messaged never replied 😳, I had no words when he said that. All I can think about right now is why I'm not good enough for him, why he would risk me, his son, the roof over his head, the money in the bank, our entire life for a 5 minute thing. Wtf did I do to deserve this, we have a very active sex life a very loving relationship and now this. Now off to ponder where it all went wrong x
He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it

If he insists that the ladies he messaged never replied, why did he then need to delete his chat history?

He is a liar!!!

Biscoffee · 09/10/2021 19:57

Stop trying to convince him he’s in the wrong Op as it will end up with him talking you round so you end up believing you’re mistaken about the whole thing. And it won’t stop there. It will happen again and by then you’ll have wasted many a good year on him.

TheWeeDonkey · 09/10/2021 19:58

The fact he doesn't think hes done anything wrong and doesn't see a problem with it (despite deleting messages) would be the nail in the coffin for me.

It must be devestating for you, but you know what you need to do. Once that ring is on your finger he'll see it as permission to do whatever TF he likes. I'm so sorry you found out like this Flowers

samwitwicky · 09/10/2021 20:00

Do not marry this man.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. If you accept this it won't be long before he takes it further.

Also, he deleted his chat history. Had he not done that he could've proved that no one had replied to his messages.

He's lying.

Scbchl · 09/10/2021 20:00

I'm so sorry. It would be absolute madness to marry someone in these circumstances.

stuckdownahole · 09/10/2021 20:04

@Dddccc

Sounds like he got cold feet and wanted to do his fantasy before he married you you are not compatible in the bedroom simple really in my eyes talking is not cheating however the fact is he was trying to cheat which is a complete no no ever my dh would be out on his arse if I ever found out
Agree with the above. He's obviously not sure whether he wants to be with you, or have opportunities to indulge his particular serial fetish. I can't get upset about his choice of fantasy - it's common enough to have a name so he's clearly not alone - but the fact he would cheat in order to experience it means there's no more mileage in the relationship. Sorry OP.
Lightswitch123 · 09/10/2021 20:04

@girlmom21

If he was doing nothing wrong he wouldn't have deleted the messages. If they'd responded, would he accept it was cheating then? If you were messaging other men about your sexual fantasies would he be ok with that?

I agree with the others. The only saving grace is you found out before you married him.
You won't trust him again.

This sorry OP
GertietheGherkin · 09/10/2021 20:04

@Aquamarine1029

If he never chatted to someone he wouldn't have needed to delete his chat history, correct? He's a fucking liar.
I agree with this! You'd only delete your chat history if it contained chat.
Original poster
Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 20:08

Apparently asking where he expected the messaging to go is me verbally abusing him 😠😠 oh and I've got to listen to him as I'm supposed to care right now how he feels 😠 seems he's a self centred arsehole 😕

OP posts:
Motorina · 09/10/2021 20:09

This is what you do:

  1. You take copies of every financial document you can find, because you might need it later.
  2. You throw him out and change the locks.
  3. You cry.
  4. You tuck your wedding dress away somewhere where you don't have to look about it. Time to think what you do with it down the line, when things are less raw.
  5. You send your guest list to a good friend and ask her to contact and cancel your guests.
  6. You cry.
  7. You take long walks. You try and work out what you did wrong. Hint: you did nothing wrong.
  8. You work out the practicalities to care for your son.
  9. You cry some more.
10. Eventually - in fits and starts - you heal.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Ohpulltheotherone · 09/10/2021 20:11

Personally I couldn’t abide the refusal to admit it was wrong or apologise.
Having a fetish isn’t wrong and he’s perfectly entitled to like whatever consensual sexual acts he likes - but direct messaging other women about them crosses a line.
If he will not see nor admit that then you’ve got nowhere to go from there.
His perspective on monogamy isn’t the same as yours so that really is that. How can you move forward with him knowing that he’s actively seeking out gratification outside of your relationship? I don’t think you can and I know I wouldn’t.

On a second point - please do not do the whole “why aren’t I good enough” thing. This isn’t about you or what you are or are not.
Do not EVER make a mans shortcomings and failures about yourself.
As an adult he has the power of free will and all his decisions are his own, these are no reflection on your worth.
Just don’t go down that road - it’s a useless and honestly, totally incorrect story to tell yourself.
Do not make his decisions about you - they are 100% about him

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 09/10/2021 20:11

Verbally abusing him. That's funny. I hope you see him for what he is and leave him.