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AIBU?

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Original poster

Caught dp in the act, wwyd

215 replies

Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:21

I'll try and make this as short as possible. I had my phone on charge in the kitchen this morning so asked dp if I could use his phone to check the MOT history of my car as I can't for the life of me remember when it is next due, anyway I touched the search bar of Google and up popped a certain chat site (the chat site is dedicated to people that have a certain sexual fantasy) for shame reasons I do not feel comfortable saying what fantasy it is but I clicked on it anyway. Turns out he's been a part of this site for 2 months and people can PM each other etc and he's been direct messaging certain members. He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied. The fact that he has joined this site months before we are due to marry is piss taking but what takes the most piss is he thinks he's done nothing wrong 🙄 I've told him I'm considering ending the relationship over this, in my eyes he's cheated or plans on cheating, to me that tells me I'm not good enough for him, our sex life, our relationship, his son is not good enough 😭 I'm struggling here, wtf do I do 💔💔💔

OP posts:
candycane222 · 09/10/2021 22:50

OP you say youve been mistreated by men since the age of 10. This would be a great time to seek some support in unpicking the damage basraed men have done to you, distorting your ability to value yourself, stand up for yourself, and set the right boundaries for yourself.

Other posters will know more than me but I have seen the Freedom Programme recommend often on here , and it is free I think?

Frostine · 09/10/2021 22:53

It's not that you are not good enough for him.
You are too good for himFlowers

mantlepiece · 09/10/2021 23:04

Chuck him out then pay him to do childcare.

WhatAShilohPitt · 09/10/2021 23:09

Thank god you can afford to get rid of this cheat. This is an absolutely disgusting lack of respect for you. How dare he try to make sexual contact with women behind your back and then act like the issue is all with you?! This goes beyond curiosity - he could easily find free porn with this kink - but he’s contacting real women in a way that would allow him to connect in reality. It’s totally unacceptable and his lack of proper apology says it all. When was he planning to stop / how far was he willing to go, had you not found out what he was trying to do? Get rid of him as this is the best you’re going to see from him. Hope you’re ok.

NortieTortie · 09/10/2021 23:16

What a vile little prick. Even completely disregarding his objectively gross kink, he's a disgusting little molerat of a human. You and your son are miles and miles better off without him tainting the oxygen around you. Flowers

Faithlulu · 09/10/2021 23:17

@elfies

If he hadn't HAD conversations he wouldn't have needed to delete
This right here 👆🏻
freudien · 09/10/2021 23:30

@Motorina

This is what you do:
  1. You take copies of every financial document you can find, because you might need it later.
  2. You throw him out and change the locks.
  3. You cry.
  4. You tuck your wedding dress away somewhere where you don't have to look about it. Time to think what you do with it down the line, when things are less raw.
  5. You send your guest list to a good friend and ask her to contact and cancel your guests.
  6. You cry.
  7. You take long walks. You try and work out what you did wrong. Hint: you did nothing wrong.
  8. You work out the practicalities to care for your son.
  9. You cry some more.
10. Eventually - in fits and starts - you heal.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

hear hear 👏👏
HarrisonStickle · 09/10/2021 23:42

Don't marry this man, OP. Go through @Motorina's checklist - get the wedding cancelled asap.

He's cheated on you by contacting other women. He's lied because he he deleted his chat history before you could find out what he was really up to. He's a terrible father because he's fucked up his son's life for his sexual fantasy. He also appears to be a total cocklodger living off you and your hard earned salary!!!

Please get rid of him. So what if he has nothing, that's his own fault. No wonder he's trying to make you out to be the baddie, his golden egg doesn't look quite so golden any more!

He wants you to think you're at fault so that he has some leverage over you going forward.

Thank goodness you found out now and not before he managed to marry his own personal cash machine who enables him to do nothing.

Flowers
Fluffmum · 09/10/2021 23:50

Don’t get married! At least now you can walk away. It’s a different ball game when married

Marvellousmadness · 09/10/2021 23:56

"and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied."

And you believe that???stop being naive. He didn't delete his messages for no reason..

He has shown you his true colours. Well actually he didn't show you, you found out by accident.

If you still wanna marry this guy now.. well..don't come complaining 6 months from now about the shitload of other betrayals he committed.

He is online. Talking to strangers. Personally messaging a few. To talk about his sexual fantasies. That is cheating op. Cheating.

And the fact he can't see anything wrong with what he did ??? Ha. That is just another reason not to marry him.

Don't marry this man. You'll regret this. Don't settle for this piece of cardboard. You don't need this in your life.

lisaandalan · 09/10/2021 23:57

Big red flag. X

romany4 · 10/10/2021 00:16

If he hadn't HAD conversations he wouldn't have needed to delete

This^^
He's lying!

AnnieSnap · 10/10/2021 00:29

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@AnnieSnap

Would you say that about any other sex act a woman did not want to do with her partner?

If he was really into anal and OP wasnt, would you say give it a go for his sake? To 'have a few drinks' first?

Fuck me, it's 2021. Do we not now appreciate people should never, ever do anything sexual that they don't want to do?![/quote]
No, I wouldn’t. I think sometimes we can do something that doesn’t turn us on, but turns our partners on in the context of a loving relationship. I think many people would be squeamish about peeing during sex due to feeling shy about it (I know I would), hence the suggestion of a couple of drinks. However, I would suggest someone do something that they really don’t want to do. I’m sorry if my post read that way.

Milliepossum · 10/10/2021 00:39

OP I’m sorry he’s done this to you, this is only the thing you’ve found out about - there’s always more. He seems to be the type that thinks women are just objects for his sexual gratification and is leeching off you financially. Tell people you know and see if he still tells you you’re the problem. Don’t keep this secret as you’ll need real life support. It doesn’t look like you’re compatible and this is your chance for a lucky escape before he can use the security of marriage to ramp up. Good luck 🌸

WhenPushComesToShove · 10/10/2021 00:59

The long and the short of it is you can't trust him and he doesn't own his own shit. Do you really want to marry someone who cannot understand why you're upset about this, is quite clearly is lying to you and is messing with your head to make you think you're over reacting. You're not. Red flags all over the place. If you marry him now knowing this, you need your head seeing to. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this sort of behaviour is acceptable?

twilightermummy · 10/10/2021 01:14

Honestly, as someone who has been with a man with an alternative fetish so to speak, I can only advise that you leave him. Things will escalate. He’s already trying to gaslight your that it all means nothing. The very fact that he’s lied and been secretive should scream red flag territory to you. Don’t put yourself through it. You’ll never trust him and always wonder what he’s up to or what he really thinks deep down. It’s painful.

Geppili · 10/10/2021 01:16

Please do not marry this man.

glitterfarts · 10/10/2021 01:24

Don't marry him. That is a legal contract agreeing to share half your assets with him.
Cancel the wedding and use the time to sort things out.

I see it as:

  1. Get married, forgive him, he cheats again, because he sees nothing wrong with what he's done, and thinks he's ENTITLED to do it. Then in a year or two, you can start to divorce him and give him half your assets.
  1. cancel the wedding, do as someone suggested, get emergency time off, sort child care, see a lawyer, kick him out. Same position, just quicker, and with all your assets intact.
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/10/2021 02:06

He deleted his chat history.
That showed him sending messages and getting no replies

Someone is certainly full of shit.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 10/10/2021 02:15

If you marry him he could claim Cms, keep your dc and get spousal maintenance when he cheats again...
Get rid tomorrow op. Tell your /his family and boot that fucker out of YOUR home..

me4real · 10/10/2021 03:37

YANBU @Carrottopppp , you can't trust him. Sad

He says he's done nothing wrong because no one took him up on it yet 'lol!' Top logic there.

MitheringMytryl · 10/10/2021 04:03

We can argue the toss about whether it's technically cheating or not, but I don't think it really matters. He's been deceptive, end of story.

And he's still lying to you now. His fantasy is for someone to piss on him? Big whoop. Not a reason to go onto a specialist site and start sending people messages. He was either doing roleplay with them or arranging meet ups. Then he deleted it all. No other reasonable explanation.

QueenBee52 · 10/10/2021 05:08

@Brollywasntneededafterall

If you marry him he could claim Cms, keep your dc and get spousal maintenance when he cheats again... Get rid tomorrow op. Tell your /his family and boot that fucker out of YOUR home..
Yip.. don't be a MUG OP...
DogsandCatsB4u · 10/10/2021 05:26

He wanted to cheat but the girls never replied he’s a loser

milkyaqua · 10/10/2021 05:51

It's a fetish. Sex with you will always come second to his fetish.

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