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Original poster

Caught dp in the act, wwyd

215 replies

Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:21

I'll try and make this as short as possible. I had my phone on charge in the kitchen this morning so asked dp if I could use his phone to check the MOT history of my car as I can't for the life of me remember when it is next due, anyway I touched the search bar of Google and up popped a certain chat site (the chat site is dedicated to people that have a certain sexual fantasy) for shame reasons I do not feel comfortable saying what fantasy it is but I clicked on it anyway. Turns out he's been a part of this site for 2 months and people can PM each other etc and he's been direct messaging certain members. He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied. The fact that he has joined this site months before we are due to marry is piss taking but what takes the most piss is he thinks he's done nothing wrong 🙄 I've told him I'm considering ending the relationship over this, in my eyes he's cheated or plans on cheating, to me that tells me I'm not good enough for him, our sex life, our relationship, his son is not good enough 😭 I'm struggling here, wtf do I do 💔💔💔

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 10/10/2021 05:56

While you’ve been sharing your world with him, as well as TTC, your disloyal ‘Partner’ has been a sneaky cheat, and he is now treating you with total contempt.

He is unremorseful. It is ludicrous that he is shifting the blame and wailing ‘You’re emotionally abusing me! What about my feelings?’ when you ask questions about HIS infidelity. This is classic manipulative victimhood. He is hoping his clueless act will make you doubt yourself and back off, so he won’t lose his meal ticket.

This is not about you at all, OP. It is HE who is not enough. He is a selfish, duplicitous user with a sense of entitlement to pursue illicit thrills. He is responsible for his unethical choices.

Honesty and loyalty are not his priorities. He is a terrible role model and father/step-father to your 4 children when treating you with utter disrespect. Has he been cheating while supposedly taking care of the children?

OP, stop sabotaging your life with this faithless man. You and the children deserve an emotionally safe home, but you will never have that with him. Flowers

BubblinTrouble · 10/10/2021 07:50

@Aquamarine1029

If he never chatted to someone he wouldn't have needed to delete his chat history, correct? He's a fucking liar.
This is what I was thinking too. Not good OP. I think if you consider this cheating you have to rethink everything and it you want to marry this guy.
SunLovingMum · 10/10/2021 08:06

We have a friend like this. Of course we had no clue (why should we) about his sexual fantasies. There were a few very strange, odd women he very briefly dated in the past but otherwise had a certain type and all these ladies were lovely. Over the years, watching porn became a habit of his and we first found out his fetish when he stayed with us and used our home computer to watch it, but not log out. He’s a life long friend of my DH so also a very long time friend if mine, closer than some family members

Yes, we were very shocked and DH had to have a word with him as we had young DC at the time. This was back in the day before everyone had mobile phones and before smart phones.

Then he met a lovely lady, more his “type” and they got marred. Turns out his “type” is not actually his sexually compatible type due to his fetish. He drive her crazy as her disappear to watch his porn. Eventually it impacted their sex life where it was almost non existent. But she did t yet know about the porn, just that he spent so much time locked away in his computer. He’d also disappear while at events - he’d be watching porn. Part of this was communicating directly with women who he could watch do this fetish. While we eventually knew he visited worm to have them do this fetish, he never told her, even when he got caught. He blamed her. All her fault, the best thing she did was divorce him. I truly hope she is happy now and knows that there is nothing wrong with her. She did all she could for her marriage. She could never win against this, even after he went for specialist in patient therapy because he’s back at it and still blames her for ending their relationship, that he did no wrong because it wasn't (penetrative) sex.

Run. Run. Run.

I’m so very sorry. It is not you. It is not your fault. For your sense of self, for your sanity, for your happiness please just run.

freudien · 10/10/2021 08:44

OP how are you doing? Have you come to any decisions? Thanks

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/10/2021 08:51

Call the wedding off ASAP then sort everything else out

Branleuse · 10/10/2021 08:52

Since hes clearly got a fetish that youre not into then imo it would be stupid to continue the relationship anyway

QueenBee52 · 10/10/2021 11:54

If you're not ready kick him out 🙄

at the very least Call Off The Wedding ... for your financial securities sake..

AntimonySalts · 10/10/2021 14:20

[quote DrManhattan]@AntimonySalts
Did you read what I wrote? I said if he refuses to leave. He's obviously trying to minimise and manipulate the situation. The op doesn't have to tell the police what he's done just that he won't leave.
Have a night off.[/quote]
@DrManhattan I have no idea what you mean about "have a night off", but it didn't sound very polite.

Anyway. My points remain the same:

OP should not marry this man.

They have a child, and this man is a SAHP. So while he is not entitled to any share in any material goods (thank goodness), he has done nothing to suggest that he is a poor father. As such, he could quite reasonably demand a minimum of 50:50 contact, and he could well achieve more than that. This is a massive thing for the OP to consider.

So before she "kicks him out", she needs to have really solid legal advice on her actual situation. That is the only thing that will be of any use to her. Nothing anyone has said on here is worth sound legal advice.

Until she has this firm legal advice, she should not change anything at all, other than make no further wedding plans.

What she unfortunately can't do is whisk her young child away from his primary caregiver. Imagine what the answers would be on here if a man were proposing to kick his SAHM partner out and take their child too, because she had been trying to arrange fetish sessions with strangers online (which I think we all agree is vile behaviour). No court will ever look kindly on a parent who acts in anything other than the child's best interests.

ChargingBuck · 10/10/2021 14:26

he thinks he's done no wrong because the ladies he messaged never replied

Riiiiight.
So if I went to punch him very hard in the face, but missed, he'd be ok with that because my fist failed to connect?

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 10/10/2021 15:00

I'd end it. The porn wouldn't bother me but messaging other people is too far. For me, if a guy cheats on me, he's history. That is a hard limit, I won't be second best. If I'm not enough, go and find someone who is.

Chocaholic9 · 10/10/2021 15:01

Get rid.

These men with fetishes, in my experience it becomes all consuming. They want their sex life revolving around it. And when it doesn't, they cheat, watch porn and even do stuff like hire sex workers to give them what they want.

I would always avoid a man with a strange fetish. They are mostly degenerates.

ILoveJamaica · 10/10/2021 15:04

Would he be happy for you to message other men about your sexual fantasies?

If not, he's a hypocrite

If yes, clearly you have different boundaries

I wouldn't marry him. You have nothing to gain financially by doing so, and so much to lose.

fuckoffImcounting · 10/10/2021 15:45

So sorry OP. If you keep this loser around he will take it as permission to carry on on the sex sites. Also, sometimes people with a fetish gradually become unable to do anything but the fetish, sex becomes all about them and the fetish. Don't do this to yourself - you are such a sorted strong woman - and what is he? A piddled on wanker.

RealBecca · 22/11/2021 12:22

How are things going OP? Has he decided hes sorry yet or have you decided to try again?

sillysmiles · 22/11/2021 14:06

@Carrottopppp

Thank you for your response, he thinks he's done no wrong because the ladies he messaged never replied 😳, I had no words when he said that. All I can think about right now is why I'm not good enough for him, why he would risk me, his son, the roof over his head, the money in the bank, our entire life for a 5 minute thing. Wtf did I do to deserve this, we have a very active sex life a very loving relationship and now this. Now off to ponder where it all went wrong x
It's not cheating because they didn't respond?? But he had no control over them responding or not. If they responded - in his world then would it have been cheating - or would something else have to happen. That's such an insane argument from him.

Because nothing in the behaviour he has admitted to prevents cheating.

Not even getting into what he hasn't admitted to.

sillysmiles · 22/11/2021 14:08

Sorry I just realised the thread was older than I thought.
Hope you are doing ok Op.

1forAll74 · 22/11/2021 14:10

Can you imagine, if he had got quite a few replies, and then gone to meet up with various women, to participate in his fantasy.. What a way to spend your evenings !! I will send my dog over if he likes.!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2021 14:10

Get out of this relationship now and do not marry this man.

There's nothing wrong with having a fantasy or fetish but the fact he went behind you back and messaged a load of ladies to ask if they were up for it means he is a liar and and untrustworthy bastard.

Please stop crying and questioning 'what you have done wrong'.

You haven't done anything wrong!

For God's sake don't marry him. He'll do it again and again.

HermioneWeasley · 22/11/2021 14:21

Thank goodness you discovered this before you got married and he was entitled to half of everything.

I hope you’ve thrown him out

2bazookas · 22/11/2021 14:45

He won't give up porn sites just because you wore a white dress and married him.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 22/11/2021 15:02

he thinks he's done no wrong because the ladies he messaged never replied

I know someone who attempted to run the defence that hiring webcam sessions wasn't sleazy/any form of infidelity because his preference was for 'young redheads' like 'you used to be' (oddly enough, his wife's hair coloured had softened to chestnut over time from a brighter red).

I'm sorry that this has happened but at least you're not married to him.

ConstanceGracy · 22/11/2021 15:09

Sorry honey but he is not a “good father” if he was he wouldn’t risk splitting up his child’s family because he wants to be pissed on.
Ditch him or he’ll just carry on doing this forever except you’ll be married and he’ll be able to take half of everything.

DeepaBeesKit · 22/11/2021 15:11

LTB.

ChargingBuck · 22/11/2021 15:14

@Carrottopppp

Literally everything is in my name from the house to the bills the only thing that has his name is our son, poor soul, I'm not daft in that sense lol but I'm clearly daft in everything else, if I kicked him out he'd have nothing but the boxers on his behind as I literally own everything, car, house, finances, fucking everything. Sorry for swearing but feels so good to realise I come out on top in all this. WHAT A FUCKING SELF CENTRED, SELFISH FUCKING PRICK 😳 sorry, felt so good to get that off my chest 😳😏
FFS, whatever else you do, do NOT marry this man.

Also, he thinks he's done no wrong because the ladies he messaged never replied - so he admits, if he'd had replies, he'd have acted on them. He's also bullshiting you on this, or why would he need to delete messages? - he said no-one replied!

Why doesn't he work? Protect yourself OP. Don't marry him!

1967buglet · 22/11/2021 15:14

You will always be less important to him than his fetish. Kick him out, otherwise you will work to support him so he can have sexual fantasies with other women. @Motorina had a great check list of things to do. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY. I was in an abusive first marriage, and please, please, please avoid doing this to yourself. And, most importantly, there is nothing wrong with you. It is only when you think there is that people take advantage. Sending good thoughts your way.