Page 5 | Caught dp in the act, wwyd

Amiwronghere · 09/10/2021 21:09

Run op run!!

Graphista · 09/10/2021 21:11

So his supposed excuse is "it's not cheating cos I couldn't successfully arrange it"

Errrr no!

Bullet dodged as this is before the wedding op

Even IF (being very generous) he simply wanted to virtually explore his feelings around this fetish there are literally millions of chat forums he could have done that on that wouldn't have involved direct messaging others

But there's also his attempts at gaslighting you - that's a red flag in itself

In terms of your feelings about how you've been treated by men I get it, I have men in my life who are lovely good men but very few of them. Being single is a valid choice too, one I've made.

Sorry to say it's not just men seem so selfish in relationships these days some women are too, I'm bi and I've yet to meet someone who genuinely behaves like both in the relationship are equals

You're in a difficult situation with your son though as he'd be in a strong position to get residency

DrManhattan · 09/10/2021 21:15

Hes not an amazing father. He wrecks his family through his disrespect for you. Kick him out. Call the police if he refuses to leave. He's a scumbag

AntimonySalts · 09/10/2021 21:18

@DrManhattan

Hes not an amazing father. He wrecks his family through his disrespect for you. Kick him out. Call the police if he refuses to leave. He's a scumbag

This is just silly advice. He has been a SAHP while she has been earning. This gives him rights over the child. Also, you can't seriously expect her to call the police and say "I want to kick my partner out because he tried to message an anonymous woman online to get her to piss on him and she didn't reply, and now he won't go"?

Be sensible and give the OP some advice that's actually useful.

Kneesaregood · 09/10/2021 21:20

Op I'm really sorry. Yes he's got a kink, but the bigger issue is he's a cheating twat.
I'll give you an example for contrariness sake; a close friend of mine has a similar kink. They knew about it from a young age, feeling strange when watching certain videos in science lessons. Something that took a long time for them to understand the link to sex. It is something they have very very tentatively explored with partners who are open to it. It is not something they have insisted on in every relationship, and certainly not a reason for cheating. (I realise it might sound odd that I know so much about it, we were friends in six form and uni, before they really joined the dots and understood what was going on, it was a genuinely tough time for them as logically they had no 'reason' to be anything other than vanilla and we used to talk a lot about it as she found it a really difficult thing to accept about herself)

Having a kink is one thing, using it as a reason for cheating is quite another.

DriftingBlue · 09/10/2021 21:22

People get to set the parameters for cheating in their relationships. For some, the viewing of porn is cheating, for others it is not. Some are ok with the occasional visit to a strip club and some are not.

As you can see from the responses to this thread, interaction with another person or attempting to interact, even virtually, counts as cheating in many relationships. It certainly ly counts as cheating in mine.

EarthSight · 09/10/2021 21:28

@Carrottopppp

Literally everything is in my name from the house to the bills the only thing that has his name is our son, poor soul, I'm not daft in that sense lol but I'm clearly daft in everything else, if I kicked him out he'd have nothing but the boxers on his behind as I literally own everything, car, house, finances, fucking everything. Sorry for swearing but feels so good to realise I come out on top in all this. WHAT A FUCKING SELF CENTRED, SELFISH FUCKING PRICK 😳 sorry, felt so good to get that off my chest 😳😏

Why do you own everything? How did that come to be? It's an unusual situation.

Him wanting women to urinate on him is a degradation & humiliation type fantasy. What has he been like in the rest of your relationship? Sexual fantasies and relationship related behaviour don't always match, but is he a passive person, always taking the back-seat? He he attracted to dominant women?

TillyTopper · 09/10/2021 21:32

From your OP you aren't married but, but soon to be - my advise is to run and fast! You don't need that in your life it'll be a constant worry over who he is talking to, what he's doing and where he is... good luck!

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 21:32

The ONLY person who benefits from this Wedding.. IS HIM ?!

YOU get to hand over half your house etc... to HIM.. if you get married and then you need to kick him out...

Stop using Childcare as an excuse to stay in this relationship... the Childcare can me fixed very quickly..

Do not marry this CLOWN..

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 21:33

Why do you own everything? How did that come to be? It's an unusual situation.

what a ridiculous statement....

Tistheseason17 · 09/10/2021 21:33

^^ This

Tistheseason17 · 09/10/2021 21:34

What @QueenBee52 says

Skyla2005 · 09/10/2021 21:37

I suspect if you had the chance to read the chat history you would be in no doubt you have to leave him.

Glumgal · 09/10/2021 21:43

I think the fact he is minimising his behaviour and trying to gaslight you into thinking you are the one at fault is the biggest indication that there's no future for you as a couple.

Had he profusely apologised and promised that he never intended to act on his fantasies and it was simply curiosity then maybe just maybe you might have been able to get past it even though it was a massive betrayal of your trust.

I think you need to ask yourself if you will ever truly feel able to trust him again and the sad fact is that if he's not even willing to acknowledge that he did anything wrong then the answer surely has to be no.

You can get past this and co-parent your son and he can still be an amazing father, just not one who lives under your roof. I would ask him to go to give you some space and take legal advice as soon as you can.

Big hugs xx

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/10/2021 21:45

He's a fucking liar - no way did he receive no responses to his messages
Do not marry him
Get legal advice as he provides the majority of care for your child

It's awful OP but thank goodness you found out now before you got married

NCBlossom · 09/10/2021 21:45

Another one who says yes take this really seriously.

It is really tempting to minimise this, but I’ve come more and more to the view that any kind of cheating is the mark of abusive behaviour and will only get worse.

Does he see people as worthy of respect, trust and not lying? No. Does he see his most important relationship, namely you, as worthy of him denying sexual liaisons with others? No. Does he feel like he has to be truthful with you? No. Does he feel like he is entitled to get his kicks in as many ways as he likes, whilst vowing to never betray his wife? Yes. Does he love and care for you? No.

If this is what he is doing whilst you are in love, about to get married, supposed to be at the height of your bond and intimacy, then what the hell is he going to do on boring patches? He’s already putting the ground work in.

DroopyClematis · 09/10/2021 21:48

Do you feel that your partner is cheating on you or do you suspect that he might have some unusual desires ( which is quite common, but darent be shared for ridicule or humiliation) that don't fit with your ideas about sex?

GoingOutOutNEVER · 09/10/2021 21:52

Sounds like he thinks saying that although he messaged and no one replied that in his eyes it’s not that bad. It would be bad enough for me to leave the relationship. You have a lot of thinking to do. Wish you well

Feedingthebirds1 · 09/10/2021 21:57

Don't marry him. it gives you financial obligations towards him.

Even if he said he was wrong right now this very minute it's too late. It shouldn't have been this hard to get him to that point.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/10/2021 21:58

Apparently asking where he expected the messaging to go is me verbally abusing him

Off he fucks then.

He sounds like an arsehole. He should recognise that anyone would be upset by this.

He's approached other women for sexually motivated reasons.

Like fuck would he be forgiving if you were messaging loads of guys about the fantasy of them pissing on you - he'd think that was fine and him questioning you about it was abusive would he? I would ask him that and ask him to answer honestly. If he says he wouldn't mind / wouldn't query it / wouldn't be bothered he's a joke as well as being a liar.

Fuck. Him. Off.

NowEvenBetter · 09/10/2021 21:59

On the plus side you can remove him from your property. His uselessness is his issue, but yikes, are you happy for the pissy parasite to be the childs main carer? Would childcare not be more sensible?

Figgygal · 09/10/2021 22:02

What an arsehole
Sorry op

BarraKuda83 · 09/10/2021 22:02

Speaking from experience, this will never stop- and they will always try to justify it because in their mind it's "NoT aCtUaLlY cHeAtInG". Get out before you completely lose every sense of your own worth. Do yourself and your sanity a favour, don't wait 10 years like I did.

thetruthisout · 09/10/2021 22:06

@Carrottopppp

I'll try and make this as short as possible. I had my phone on charge in the kitchen this morning so asked dp if I could use his phone to check the MOT history of my car as I can't for the life of me remember when it is next due, anyway I touched the search bar of Google and up popped a certain chat site (the chat site is dedicated to people that have a certain sexual fantasy) for shame reasons I do not feel comfortable saying what fantasy it is but I clicked on it anyway. Turns out he's been a part of this site for 2 months and people can PM each other etc and he's been direct messaging certain members. He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied. The fact that he has joined this site months before we are due to marry is piss taking but what takes the most piss is he thinks he's done nothing wrong 🙄 I've told him I'm considering ending the relationship over this, in my eyes he's cheated or plans on cheating, to me that tells me I'm not good enough for him, our sex life, our relationship, his son is not good enough 😭 I'm struggling here, wtf do I do 💔💔💔

Have you got proof they've never replied or is that what he says. I have experience of cheating twats so this smells fishy to me. I was in you're position and continued with the relationship but if you don't have kids with him and you're not pregnant I would run for the hills and then pole vault over them and keep going. Get out while you can.

DrManhattan · 09/10/2021 22:06

@AntimonySalts
Did you read what I wrote? I said if he refuses to leave. He's obviously trying to minimise and manipulate the situation. The op doesn't have to tell the police what he's done just that he won't leave.
Have a night off.