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AIBU?

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Original poster

Caught dp in the act, wwyd

215 replies

Carrottopppp · 09/10/2021 19:21

I'll try and make this as short as possible. I had my phone on charge in the kitchen this morning so asked dp if I could use his phone to check the MOT history of my car as I can't for the life of me remember when it is next due, anyway I touched the search bar of Google and up popped a certain chat site (the chat site is dedicated to people that have a certain sexual fantasy) for shame reasons I do not feel comfortable saying what fantasy it is but I clicked on it anyway. Turns out he's been a part of this site for 2 months and people can PM each other etc and he's been direct messaging certain members. He deleted his chat history before I could have a good look at it and admitted he's messaged people but they have never replied. The fact that he has joined this site months before we are due to marry is piss taking but what takes the most piss is he thinks he's done nothing wrong 🙄 I've told him I'm considering ending the relationship over this, in my eyes he's cheated or plans on cheating, to me that tells me I'm not good enough for him, our sex life, our relationship, his son is not good enough 😭 I'm struggling here, wtf do I do 💔💔💔

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/10/2021 22:10

Do not marry this loser.

Get him out of your home.

Get an au pair to live with you and get his arse out.

He is making an absolute mug out of you.

You deserve better than his loser.

Do not marry him.Flowers

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 09/10/2021 22:15

Have you got proof they've never replied or is that what he says

I don't get why it matters? HE tried to make contact, that's already way across the line for most of us.

If I lie down and spread for another man but he doesn't take me up on the offer, I have still betrayed my husband in an unforgivable way.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 09/10/2021 22:16

Your DP hasn't been a SAHP for long OP, so you've time to change it. Once he is in funded nursery hours or school it all gets easier and healed childcare wise. So stop telling yourself you need to stay with your cowardly lying cheater of a boyfriend. Throw him out. Everything is in your name!!!

You can get vouchers to get tax free in childcare costs

DP doesn't have rights to live in your house as is your partner not husband and has lodger status/guest at behest of his romantic partner status. He isn't on the property ownership. You break up, he leaves.

If you arrange 50:50 equal shared care of child (you can sort childcare for your days- it is possible to arrange quickly) , then off he trots to sort his own housing etc out, AS YOU ARE NOT MARRIED!!- you each sort out your own living costs

Echobelly · 09/10/2021 22:17

Stop thinking about whether you are 'good enough' for him. He is not being good to you by, as you say, risking throwing out your relationship, that with his son and all the other things you mention ovr getting his rocks off with his fetish, and that's his deficiency, not yours.

NB I am not judgemental about fetishes, but it's something one has to either share with one's partner, accept you're not going to get if you're to be with them, or end the relationship if it's a dealbreaker.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 09/10/2021 22:17
  • Cheaper childcare not healed childcare
Justilou1 · 09/10/2021 22:18

He’s had PLENTY of time on his hands for a woman to wee on him @Carrottopppp. This is all about him. First he played innocent “I don’t understand what your problem is…” then he gets angry at YOU for your reaction to HIS behaviour… Classic abuser techniques. Now if he doesn’t think there’s an issue with this, you should tell everyone what he’s been doing. See how quickly he realises that he DID know that he’s been sneaky, pervy, gnome.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/10/2021 22:20

Oh and good DARVO - it's absolutely what he's doing and it's pathetically predictable 🙄

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/10/2021 22:21

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Oh and good DARVO - it's absolutely what he's doing and it's pathetically predictable 🙄
Oh and 'google' DARVO that was meant to say!
Wildheartsease · 09/10/2021 22:21

He knows he is in the wrong... or he wouldn't have deleted the messages.

Yes- he is cheating. (Whether he failed or not ... and you have o only his cheater's word for that...doesn't really matter - since his intention was clear.)

His cheating is his own choice. It is not your fault.

Flowers You will be fine - despite present pain. Wishing you well!
AnnieSnap · 09/10/2021 22:23

@Carrottopppp

Sorry that meant to say them urinate on him but not him urinate on them if that makes sense
It wouldn’t be my thing at all, but if my much loved DH wanted that, I’d do it for him. I would be seriously pissed off about him being on that site, messaging other women and hastily deleting his message history (where there must be something he wants to hide). That would give me pause over marrying him and I’d defer it, maybe for a year or two.

Could you bring yourself to wee on him? Maybe after a couple of drinks? It isn’t an uncommon fantasy. Weird to those of us not into it, but not uncommon or sinister. Maybe he could lie in the bath?

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 09/10/2021 22:23

I'd arrange two weeks off with my boss. Pack his stuff up. Change the locks. (As is your house OP he has no rights to it) Then I'd use those 2 weeks to sort out childcare, there will be a childminder of nursery who can take DS.

I'd tell DP in writing / email not to contact you again, childcare arrangements to be agreed through a third party.

Get a friend to cancel all arrangements for the wedding- you just sign emails/letters and arrange refunds into your bank. Be honest like a PP said- "he was messaging women on a sex site" (let him try to gaslight 50 family and friends out of that!!)

Piggy42 · 09/10/2021 22:26

Even if you’re not sure whether to leave him (and I think you should) don’t marry him. Don’t risk your assets.

Shelby2010 · 09/10/2021 22:28

I would be a bit sneaky & while I would cancel any wedding plans, & sleep in separate rooms, I’d let him think there was a chance of staying together. I’d use that time to find childcare & see a lawyer. Then kick his sorry arse out.

AnnieSnap · 09/10/2021 22:29

My post above only applies if you decide you want to stay with him.

Kittykat93 · 09/10/2021 22:34

She doesn't want to piss on him. We shouldn't have to do anything sexually that we don't want to do just to avoid our partners cheating. Fucks sake

Kittykat93 · 09/10/2021 22:34

My last message was quoting the above post btw.

onelittlefrog · 09/10/2021 22:37

@Carrottopppp

Apparently asking where he expected the messaging to go is me verbally abusing him 😠😠 oh and I've got to listen to him as I'm supposed to care right now how he feels 😠 seems he's a self centred arsehole 😕
He's gaslighting you.
confusionisreal · 09/10/2021 22:38

@WhereIsMumHiding3

I'd arrange two weeks off with my boss. Pack his stuff up. Change the locks. (As is your house OP he has no rights to it) Then I'd use those 2 weeks to sort out childcare, there will be a childminder of nursery who can take DS.

I'd tell DP in writing / email not to contact you again, childcare arrangements to be agreed through a third party.

Get a friend to cancel all arrangements for the wedding- you just sign emails/letters and arrange refunds into your bank. Be honest like a PP said- "he was messaging women on a sex site" (let him try to gaslight 50 family and friends out of that!!)

This is exactly on point
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/10/2021 22:40

@AnnieSnap

Would you say that about any other sex act a woman did not want to do with her partner?

If he was really into anal and OP wasnt, would you say give it a go for his sake? To 'have a few drinks' first?

Fuck me, it's 2021. Do we not now appreciate people should never, ever do anything sexual that they don't want to do?!

Thehop · 09/10/2021 22:42

@Shelby2010

I would be a bit sneaky & while I would cancel any wedding plans, & sleep in separate rooms, I’d let him think there was a chance of staying together. I’d use that time to find childcare & see a lawyer. Then kick his sorry arse out.
I’d probably actually do this too. Gives you time to get sorted.
Wildheartsease · 09/10/2021 22:42

Whatever you decide about the relationship- it would be wise NOT to marry.

How can you trust him?

Sorry OP - this is a tough time it you

RealBecca · 09/10/2021 22:43

You cant take back what he did and he isnt even sorry.

Do you think you will be in a stronger position when married? You wont be. You will be in a weaker one.

If you stay together will your life really be better? Easier, possibly.

There are people with a lot less than you who go it alone. You dont need a man. You'll cope like everyone else does.

What situation would you need to be in to leave? Promotion, more money? Cheaper childcare? If he isn't working he 'owes' 50% of childcare so you only need to find half of full time hours and your entitlement kicks in from 2 or 3 years. You can manage for a little while. Or do you really not think you can? Because if he senses you wont feel able to leave then he has nothing to lose by doing this now and again and again.

Justilou1 · 09/10/2021 22:46

@AnnieSnap - are you a man by any chance? She is working, running the household and doing more than enough for this “beloved DH”. I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire!

Esspee · 09/10/2021 22:48

Haven’t had time to read everyone’s advice so I’m probably repeating but whatever you do do NOT marry him. Half of everything you have worked for becomes his on marriage. The marriage won’t work as you have already seen through him. I would show him the door frankly.

LadyLolaRuben · 09/10/2021 22:49

Terrible situation but, brilliant you hold all the cards in relation to the finances and aren't married so owe him nothing. What a fool throwing everything away. Get him out OP. Im sorry you're going through this x