AIBU - MIL and newborn baby

[LaraLou99]

First time poster! Looking for some opinions please that I am not being a totally controlling mama bear and unfair on my MIL.

Background: MIL and I have always got along well, partner and I have been together for going on 8 years and our DD is now 11 weeks old. During pregnancy, an incident happened in which we asked DH's parents not to do something (twice), and they went ahead and did it without consulting us. This was a few weeks before I gave birth and it kept me up at night, that I later realised was because I was worried about them overstepping boundaries with our future baby in the same way.

After the birth they stayed locally and were there when we came home. They cooked and were very respectful of not overstaying. That said, MIL did tell me I had to finish my dinner before giving me my crying baby back and said twice that we should go have a sleep for four hours so she could look after DD or take her for a walk. This made me really uncomfortable as DD was only two days old at the time.

Last week they came to stay with us for 2.5 days and in my eyes it was a car crash. I did not hold the baby from when they arrived at 2pm-9.30pm apart from 2 feedings. When DH went to take baby off his mum, she went all frazzled and held onto DD saying 'we're here to help you', to which he replied 'mum just let me hold my baby' and physically took DD off MIL. This same day, we went to a cafe and DD started crying as she was ready for a feed, but it was getting dark and we were ready to leave. I asked DH to carry her home with a finger in her mouth (normally keeps her going), but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

The second day we went to the cafe she walked the pram there, had DD facing her the whole time (so I couldn't see her), so when she ran to the shop before we left I faced DD to me and intended to walk the pram home. Whilst I was standing up she grabbed the pram and ran off again. Then when we got home she sat in the living room with DD, and I sat next to her expecting her to pass DD over as she'd said she was going to make lunch. Instead she immediately stands up and says 'come watch Grandma make lunch' and takes DD out the room with her.

MIL also would not give DD back when she was getting upset. Insisting on soothing her with singing, which would calm DD intermittently, but then she became increasingly more distraught and I was eventually handed back a baby in a terrible state. I tend to just give DD the boob straight away so we rarely have any tears.

This alongside the following comments over the weekend:
-Constantly referring to her as 'my baby', to the point PIL said to MIL 'Where's YOUR baby' when I was holding DD! MIL then laughed and said 'Haha he thinks she's MY baby'.
-PIL: "I think we need to come up with a lease agreement for her (referring to DD)'
-'PIL to me: 'Watch out she (MIL) is running away with your baby'
-MIL holding DD: 'I always wanted a girl'. Insinuating she now had one... and moaning that PIL wouldn't let her have more than one baby.

She also text me before they came saying me and DH should go out for dinner to get some time to ourselves. I ignored this.

It feels like there's an underlying want to create physical distance between me and DD. They don't see DD often so I was trying to be generous giving them plenty of time to hold her, but it feels like a 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' type scenario. I honestly feel physically sick at how terrible I felt because I just had no time to hold my own baby, and when I tried to assert myself she physically took her away from me. I had about four hour sleep over the two nights they were here, and just stayed up holding DD for some connection.

I know I need to lay down the law, it's just hard when you've previously had a good relationship.

Thoughts?

I don't understand mils like this.
Shes had her kids now its your turn.

I have three boys and will be respectful of my dil.

Took me precisely 45 mins to reclaim my baby off MIL the day we arrived from hospital.
I told them to leave the house.
My partner was shocked but didn't say anything. I put my foot down with DS being passed around and held by everyone, as soon as he was awake or upset he was back to me.
I think DP family thought I was mental at the time. But I stood firm and they actually have a nice relationship with DS now. He's our baby and I'm his primary carer and what I say goes. They quickly accepted this and things work ok now.

Stand your ground - you'll not regret it.

As much as I hate them get a sling... Make it very clear where your baby is staying put...

See I was expecting to say YABU, but your MIL sounds like an absolute pain in the arse.

I'd have your DH tell her that you're both unhappy with her grabbing the baby and refusing to hand her back. So, she can have two choices - she can either hand her back when she's asked or she can just not hold her.

He needs to make it clear, politely, that she's upsetting you both and it needs to stop now.

You need to get your DH to deal with this - it's his mother. She sounds very full on. YANBU.

I'd get a sling, and honestly I'd get 'rude' (in her eyes).

She's had her time, she's overstepping completely and not respecting either of your boundaries. You've tried polite and it clearly didn't work, sometimes that push is what people need. If she's a good family member she will get over it, if not then really what have you lost!

I wouldn't have them to stay again and I would definitely be having stern words regarding the fact you guys are the parents and they have to listen to you and that's that.

Eugh yanbu. Honestly put your foot down now or it will only get worse.

You are not unreasonable and she sounds nuts. Nip this in the bud, I agree dh should do it. Don’t let this woman ruin this time with your new addition!!!

Jesus this is making me feel a bit queasy as i am 20 weeks pregnant and this will 100% be my MIL, right down to the "my baby" and desperate desire for a daughter.

Although i can already predict she will hand the baby back immediately when it pees, poops, sicks up as she is the queen of everything "the guest"

Who is PIL?

I'd get a sling too and I would also go feed in the bedroom door shut and then take a nap.

Shocking behavior absolutely shocking.

Given how young your baby is she should be doing everything but the baby stuff

Sling… your MIL out of the house. I mean, yes, get a sling. But also DH needs to run interference, she’s gone batshit. My anxiety spiked reading about 7.5 hours not holding your baby, and all the running off with the pram. Turn down visits for a while, I think: let DH figure out how – you’re busy/isolating/the baby’s poorly, repeat.

Urgh the 'my baby' thing is deliberate and weird. Next time she says it make her super uncomfortable and say 'I made my baby with your DS, its making me cringe when you say it hahaha'.

Yanbu…She sounds a bonkers nightmare 😬

My mil was similar with having to push the pram. Jesus knows how she got a driving licence.. I used to just pluck ds out and leave her with an empty buggy!
She used to take his toys off him and leave him chewing a cup coaster. Very controlling woman.

She sounds crazy! Agree with the sling idea, a Boba wrap or similar is good for a newborn.

Please don't let this anxiety ruin your postpartum time.

It did with my dd1, for 2 years I was depressed thinking of every visit (we visited twice a week)

She tried to get my daughter to call her mama.

It came to a head. We didn't speak for 1 year then everything instantly changed when they realised I wouldn't let her get away with it.
But when I look back at those first years, I look with sadness.

Try not to think about her. Set boundaries. Hold your baby, and know no matter what no distance can be created while you're with her. And make sure she doesn't become a babysitter constantly if at all.

Please for your mental health, don't dwell.

My daughter actually said to her at 3. You ain't my mama. I couldn't stop my face from smirking.

Cold they come round more often? So it’s little bit often. So 2 hours every other weekend or something? Might help dilute it.

I think you and dh need to be firm and fair. Dh Tells her. Give me my baby back. Dh needs to have a chat with her now about how the weekend went for him.

That sounds really awful, I feel so bad for you. I couldn't bear my little one being out of my sight for the first few months, it made me uncomfortable just reading what happened with your MIL. We are designed to want the baby near us all the time, isn't it a survival instinct? You are not being controlling!

Yanbu, she’s massively overstepping.

This is a scenario where your husband has to step in when she is behaving this way and stop it from happening.

You’re not being unreasonable @LaraLou99 - you need to put your foot down very firmly and do it now.
I could have written a very similar post to yours and unfortunately, despite constant confrontation with my MIL, she’s still the same with my DS and he’s now 11months old.
She doesn’t get to see him alone, and she only sees him maybe once a fortnight for about an hour. I’d love to have a better relationship with her but until she respects the fact that I’m Mum and she is Gran then nothing is going to change!

Don't get me wrong, your MIL is totally bonkers and unreasonable, but at the same time I really sympathise with her. It's not unusual for MILs to go mad in this particular way, and I think I was in danger of wobbling that way myself before realising how mad it was.

When you can't have the second child that your arms are yearning for, either because of miscarriage or because of the person you are in a relationship with not wanting the same, it is easy to fall inti tge trap of getting fixated on the idea that eventually there will be grandchildren who will heal that aching longing. If that idea is allowed to take root and grow for decades, then you son's girlfriend/bride is merely a conduit towards that fantasy being fulfilled - and of course you had a lovely relationship before you got pg. In her fantasy, you find motherhood exhausting and overwhelming and are joyfully delighted to share the burden with her. You aren't following the script she has been dreaming fir the last 30+ years so things are going to get very sour, very quickly.

You need firm boundaries, but she probably needs some counselling for the decades-old grief that she has been nursing while awaiting her grandchild who was supposed to fix everything.

I had similar with my DM and mil with my first. Drove me absolutely up the wall when they wouldn't listen to me about giving her back. In the end I got a sling and just refused to take Dd1 off me as she was settled/ feeding/ asleep. Dd1 was combi fed though so I did give them plenty of time with her and not me so that I could sleep (she was absolutely sodding awful at sleeping)- the issue for me was when I was there they both treated me like I wasn't and didn't listen. That said when Dd2 and Ds1 came along neither have really offered to have bonding time with them. I'd give my left arm for a few hours of peace and sleep. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️ The first grandchild is the golden child- they won't care when others come along (if you have more of course).

Still- yanbu. Your DH needs to take the reins here and tell his parents that they need to respect both of you as parents and your wishes. Running off with a baby and refusing to give her back when asked is batshit and they need to pack it in.

Yanbu, she is bonkers. In this situation I think I would say something to her myself but either you or DH need a stern word.

I could have written this 😭.

I have had to stand my ground and I won’t take it anymore.
Hearing my son cry sent my anxiety raging - this is what I told my parents-in-law. They now hand him back when I ask.

The ‘my baby’ started in pregnancy - I told them I wasn’t comfortable with that! Got told I was weird 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I honestly don’t care. I’m not going to bend over backwards to please people!