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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL and newborn baby

213 replies

LaraLou99 · 04/10/2021 19:52

First time poster! Looking for some opinions please that I am not being a totally controlling mama bear and unfair on my MIL.

Background: MIL and I have always got along well, partner and I have been together for going on 8 years and our DD is now 11 weeks old. During pregnancy, an incident happened in which we asked DH's parents not to do something (twice), and they went ahead and did it without consulting us. This was a few weeks before I gave birth and it kept me up at night, that I later realised was because I was worried about them overstepping boundaries with our future baby in the same way.

After the birth they stayed locally and were there when we came home. They cooked and were very respectful of not overstaying. That said, MIL did tell me I had to finish my dinner before giving me my crying baby back and said twice that we should go have a sleep for four hours so she could look after DD or take her for a walk. This made me really uncomfortable as DD was only two days old at the time.

Last week they came to stay with us for 2.5 days and in my eyes it was a car crash. I did not hold the baby from when they arrived at 2pm-9.30pm apart from 2 feedings. When DH went to take baby off his mum, she went all frazzled and held onto DD saying 'we're here to help you', to which he replied 'mum just let me hold my baby' and physically took DD off MIL. This same day, we went to a cafe and DD started crying as she was ready for a feed, but it was getting dark and we were ready to leave. I asked DH to carry her home with a finger in her mouth (normally keeps her going), but MIL grabbed her out of DHs hands, put her in the buggy and ran off towards home with her. I then had to run after her and DD was besides herself when she got home.

The second day we went to the cafe she walked the pram there, had DD facing her the whole time (so I couldn't see her), so when she ran to the shop before we left I faced DD to me and intended to walk the pram home. Whilst I was standing up she grabbed the pram and ran off again. Then when we got home she sat in the living room with DD, and I sat next to her expecting her to pass DD over as she'd said she was going to make lunch. Instead she immediately stands up and says 'come watch Grandma make lunch' and takes DD out the room with her.

MIL also would not give DD back when she was getting upset. Insisting on soothing her with singing, which would calm DD intermittently, but then she became increasingly more distraught and I was eventually handed back a baby in a terrible state. I tend to just give DD the boob straight away so we rarely have any tears.

This alongside the following comments over the weekend:
-Constantly referring to her as 'my baby', to the point PIL said to MIL 'Where's YOUR baby' when I was holding DD! MIL then laughed and said 'Haha he thinks she's MY baby'.
-PIL: "I think we need to come up with a lease agreement for her (referring to DD)'
-'PIL to me: 'Watch out she (MIL) is running away with your baby'
-MIL holding DD: 'I always wanted a girl'. Insinuating she now had one... and moaning that PIL wouldn't let her have more than one baby.

She also text me before they came saying me and DH should go out for dinner to get some time to ourselves. I ignored this.

It feels like there's an underlying want to create physical distance between me and DD. They don't see DD often so I was trying to be generous giving them plenty of time to hold her, but it feels like a 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' type scenario. I honestly feel physically sick at how terrible I felt because I just had no time to hold my own baby, and when I tried to assert myself she physically took her away from me. I had about four hour sleep over the two nights they were here, and just stayed up holding DD for some connection.

I know I need to lay down the law, it's just hard when you've previously had a good relationship.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Thefaceofboe · 04/10/2021 20:26

I could have wrote this exact post after the in laws visited this week, DD is 2 weeks old today. The ‘my baby’ thing made me so angry. Angry

Notaroadrunner · 04/10/2021 20:30

Just don't have her to stay again. They can book in somewhere and visit for an hour when it suits you. I thought initially you must be bottle feeding as I can't believe she would take hold of the baby for so long -surely she'd have needed feeding. Next time they visit just take your dd to the bedroom to feed her and lock the door so she can't get in. And if she dares run off with the pram again I'd be shouting after her to get back. She sounds fucking deranged.

Graphista · 04/10/2021 20:32

I wouldn't have been nearly as polite and understanding as you've been!

Not least because to establish bf especially in these early stages mum and baby need a lot of physical contact

But mil is behaving appallingly! You're dealing with recovering from birth and establishing bf and being a new mum. Your dp needs to lay down the law and but firmly!

All this nonsense needs to stop now!

I'd have been livid at the times she's created situations that have left a newborn so distressed!

The advice to use a sling is good but frankly mil needs told in words of one syllable to cut this crap out!

I'm livid on your behalf just reading the op!

My mil was fine, my dm was a bloody nightmare! In a similar way, within 2 days of our first visit seeing my parents I had to say to her to stop trying to commandeer dd and to stop telling me how to mother her! It was ridiculous!

I know it's a lot easier to "tell off" your own mum hence another reason for advising your dp needs to tell her.

My relationship with dm is complicated anyway and for good reason she was never allowed to babysit or spend time with dd solo when she was a child.

But even aside from that she constantly tried to tell me how to parent dd and how I was doing so much wrong!

I just mostly ignored her

Sounds like you need to very blunt and very insistent and if she continues to be an arse kick her out! Not even kidding sometimes such action is necessary

Bombaloorina · 04/10/2021 20:33

She is being monumentally rude and trampling all over your discomfort without a care in the world.

I’m not saying you should do the same back to her.

But you do need to think about how you’re so concerned about treading on eggshells around her, and not upsetting her - while she couldn’t care less about the same care and consideration of your feelings.

There are plenty of ways for you both (DH included) to be assertive, while not being rude.

MrsMo21 · 04/10/2021 20:34

My MIL would be like this if she could be. She’s only allowed over for 2 hours at a time and i take the baby from her whenever I want to. She tried to cling onto her once but my DH backed me and removed the baby from her. Firm boundaries need to be set - she’s absolutely fine now to be honest and has got the message.

Make sure you have support from your DP x

BatshitBanshee · 04/10/2021 20:35

"She is my child MIL, and I know what's best for her."

"I'm not asking for her back, I am telling you to give me my daughter. Now."

Rinse & repeat.

Grapewrath · 04/10/2021 20:36

My mil was like this and when I made it clear she wasn’t taking tiny dd for the day or being in full control she huffed and didn’t want to see her as there was ‘no point’. It was creepy as fuck her and fil trying to play house with my kid. Really strange. She also kept saying they didn’t have a dd together so as follows had Dds with his previous wife, it was obviously a big thing for mil
Anyway after I said no to her basically stepping in and taking the baby she lost complete interest and didn’t bother.
Mils can be strange

Jmaxx44 · 04/10/2021 20:38

YANBU. My MIL insisted on taking my newborn and even when he started to cry she wouldn’t give him back. I don’t know if it was the hormones etc but I found it extremely stressful to listen to him cry while watching my MIL try to soothe him. She liked to portray herself as a baby expert which I found a bit annoying. After speaking to my DH about how she was making me feel he had a quiet word which helped and I think she was a bit embarrassed that she had come across that way. My advice - put your foot down early!!

WoolyMammoth55 · 04/10/2021 20:39

I agree with PPs that it's up to your DH to handle his nutty mum.

But you are not being unreasonable to not see them again until she's apologised and confirmed to your DH that she's not going to stage a repeat.

Your hormones are crazy right now and you need rest, peace, gentleness. Being a new mum is hard enough without this nonsense. Draw a line and stick to it, and best of luck Flowers

Autumngoldleaf · 04/10/2021 20:40

Dreadful what's wrong with people!

Why so rude, what gives her the thoughtless right to trample all over you? And your new born experience...

Getyourownback · 04/10/2021 20:42

Ideally get your husband to deal with her and lay down the law, but if he’s going to wet, you’re going to have to be brave and be rude. She sounds like a fucking nightmare who is playing mummies again. She’ll probably cry and demonise you but fuck that, you need to need to lay down a clear boundary.

mrssunshinexxx · 04/10/2021 20:42

Running off with the pram?! She sounds unhinged. Get your husband to deal with this and lay some boundaries down ASAP

mrssunshinexxx · 04/10/2021 20:45

I don't understand all these ' my mil wouldn't pass my baby back comments ' just take your baby.

lazyarse123 · 04/10/2021 20:52

This reply has been deleted

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TakeYourFinalPosition · 04/10/2021 20:52

Oh god, I’m worried my MIL has all the markings to be like this when our baby arrives…

I’m genuinely dreading seeing them as a result. I’d rather not see them than risk them not giving our baby back.

darksideofthemooncup · 04/10/2021 20:54

My MIL was just like this, including the 'my baby' and wrestling the pram off me, she was desperate for me to fail at breastfeeding so she could bottle freed my Dd, I breastfed for a year just to spite her 😀

She never really got any better but my Dd finds her overwhelming and as me and h are in the process of divorcing I hope I never have to have much to do with her ever again

QueenLagertha · 04/10/2021 20:55

Oh god reading that sent shivers down my spine. My MIL went batshit when DS (her first GC) was born. I'm having number two next year. Hoping that what people say is true that no one will care about the second.
Don't let her ruin it for you. She's had her time with her own child. Your DH needs to have a word with her.

Notaroadrunner · 04/10/2021 20:55

@TakeYourFinalPosition

Oh god, I’m worried my MIL has all the markings to be like this when our baby arrives…

I’m genuinely dreading seeing them as a result. I’d rather not see them than risk them not giving our baby back.

Well forewarned is forearmed so you'll be ready for her after reading advice here. Best of luck with your pregnancy.
Aria2015 · 04/10/2021 20:56

YANBU. My inlaws can be like this. I'm always made to feel like they'd be much happier if I wasn't around and they just had the baby to themselves. Most new mums don't want to be parted from their baby. It's a primitive type of feeling and I think when someone gets in the way of that, the mama bear feeling comes out. I'm crap at asserting myself so I will tell Dh that I don't like it and ask he steps in. He knows now and he just pushes back in my behalf and it's made it easier. I don't know why some grandparents are like this. I'm lucky that my own mother is super respectful in that way. Also when she offers help, that's usually in the form of doing my washing, making me tea etc... Rather than running off with my baby! I would talk with your dh and get him to step in and assert boundaries if you find it hard. It's worked for me.

samwitwicky · 04/10/2021 20:56

Your DH needs to set some boundaries and make it very clear that if she crosses them she is no longer welcome.

I would also tell him that if he doesn't, you won't hold back from putting his mother in her place. And don't.

That child is yours.

You don't ask for your child back, you take your child back.

You don't tell her not to run away with your child, you make her.

Every time she mentions the baby is 'hers', you call her granny and put her in her place.

Put your foot down and do it now. The longer it's left the worse she'll get and the harder it will be to tell her to 'back the fuck down grandma'.

Daisy4569 · 04/10/2021 20:59

My MIL is exactly the same. I try to be polite but she keeps pushing. Her daughter allows her to take over with her kids (bathing, changing and bottle feeding) so she’s never had boundaries before. I drew the line when she came into my bedroom unannounced in the morning to ask if she could take my baby… Um no and don’t come in my bedroom again thanks!

Hankunamatata · 04/10/2021 21:00

My mother in law was intense. Even more so when they arnt seeing your regularly. Must admit most of it wouldn't bother me. Comments sound like jokey ones. And of course they want loads of cuddles of they are only getting to see you and baby for a couple of days. If its bothering you then you and dh need to speak up

itsallgoingpearshaped · 04/10/2021 21:02

Grow a backbone. Tell your DH to grow a backbone. And tell her to back the hell off.

Anyone who refused to hand back MY baby or took off with MY baby would be given very short shrift and they would be invited to return home.

Peanutsandchilli · 04/10/2021 21:05

Sounds a bit full on but she's smitten. I'm sure the novelty will wear off in time. I'd just grit my teeth and let her get on with it.

iguanadonna · 04/10/2021 21:06

Yanbu. She's gone nuts. Sometimes grandmothers do.

I really hope I don't, especially as my dcs are boys, and it's harder to deal with when a mil than with the mother's own mother.

My MiL was like this - though not as bad - with dc1. Now she's completely disinterested. Maddening. There's a path in the middle that's a nice, loving, supportive grandmother. Fgs it's not that difficult.

If I do go nuts, I hope my son will say 'mum, we're really glad you're poppet's grandma. Grandmas are wonderful things. But please give us some space to be the parents. And think about what you loved in your grandparents, and what it was like when we were born. Cos at the moment we're finding you very intense.' Or something like that. Your DH needs to pull out all his tact and deal with this now.

Some of the mils I've known go nuts over small grandchildren have been the loveliest, kindest, most tactful people in other areas of life. I was astonished at one I know who is a delightful vicar's wife but Utterly Bonkers about her daughter v her DiL. Some crazy defensive competitive thing in her head. Quite distressing to see because out of character and damaging to family. Really her husband and son need to talk to her, but I think they're scared by the raw, primeval, unbalanced emotion of it.